[Actual Play] The Night Watch, Series Two, Thread Three

[SteveD]

I think we're up to the third thread. I'll link the others in soonish. Here's the prologue for episode 2.9 When I Was A Boy


The elegant, athletic figure glowed with restrained rage as he paced the woodland glade. The frost-hardened grass crunched beneath his feet, sounding like gnashing teeth. Poetic observers would have been reminded of a caged tiger. More accurate viewers would have recalled an imminent nuclear explosion.
“You said it yourself, my Lord. Over Midwinter, the Queen’s reach is strong, and the Princess no doubt raised the alarm.”
“Oh yes.”
“So why do we not lie low? Why do we harry?”
“We harry, kinsman, because we can do nothing else. These…vermin…” – he spat the word with such hate it was as if it burned his tongue to voice it - “have my sword.” He paused for a second as visible rage cross his face. “Our sword. They make no obeisance to the Old Ways, nor to us. They insult us with every breath they take. By their very existence, they spit upon us.” He whirled on his interlocutor. “Are you going to let them spit on you, cousin? Can you bear that insult?” The questioned figure was forced to look down under that withering gaze.
“I can not. I will not. True, as you say, we cannot act directly at this moment. But they will be absent over Midwinter. Far away. And we can use an agent that she will never be able to track. A puck perhaps. Yes, a puck. To play games with them. To hurt them. Spill some blood. Make them taste the nature of my displeasure even to the other end of the earth.”
“Yes, a puck would be perfect. Or a neiblung. Or…” and here he broke out laughing. It was a sound without mirth, like steel shattering on stone. “Oh, that is perfect. So perfect. Oh, you mortals, how wonderful you are.”
“Who, my Lord? Who will you send?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he simply stared at the decorated shop window, still visible through the trees to his falcon-vision, and smiled a smile even darker than his black eyes. To himself, he murmured an ancient song of warning – a warning that humans had long since forgotten to heed:


“You better watch out…”

[SteveD]

“Sooty is not a ninja!”

“Your mongoose is extendable?”
“Of course. Isn’t yours?”

The first and last big OOC gags of this session, and it was a session rife with OOC gags. Probably too rife – the plot was too loose, we had five again, and I didn’t have a great character for Scott, and hijinks were in the air because we watched a MST3K episode before we started (Red Zone Cuba). Which was all good fun (I was laughing so hard by the end I hurt my diaphragm) but I think we could use some more focus again. But anyway….

Our heroes:
John: Very posh first-in-line to a lordship. Mourning his cousin Eddie, who is also his half-brother. Turns into a choralisk demon at full moon. Just found out his girlfriend is a fairy princess.
Tom: Lackadaisical American just trying to drift through Watcherhood and Oxford, but now possesses a magical demon-slaying sword and a kind of possessive magical girlfriend
Eirion: Poor Welsh farm boy who escaped from a demonic past and wants to be more than just poor or demonic. Getting quite good at magic, much to his teacher’s disapproval.
Charlie: The new girl, Indian, gorgeous, bright, but still trying to fit into this boy’s club and their old wounds. Has variable telekinesis, an Electra complex and a problematic love life.
Pru: Their Invigilator.

2.9 When I Was A Boy…

Cutscene intro as above, then...


We join our heroes lounging in Pru’s flat in London on a late December morn, still recouperating from arresting Jack the Ripper and letting an evil succubus get away - and reading their post. John’s father writes to tell his son that things aren’t good for him to come this Christmas, but his present is attached (“My present is an attachment? I hate the modern age!”). Charlie’s mum calls to say she can’t come as there’s a sudden fashion show going on in Milan. Eirion gets a letter from Charity and Terrence (including a didgeridoo). Tom gets a letter from his parents inviting him to come over if he wants, as it will be good frequent flier miles for his business account. Of course, the gang were planning to spend Christmas with Pru…but a second later she bundles in with her cases, empties them and starts filling them again. Turns out there’s an emergency Watcher symposium in Stockholm because Mr Giles has reported that the CIA are meddling with watcher business again, in Sunnydale. Big conference needed to decide on new policy. So no Christmas with Pru. Or, as Tom put it:

“The CIA ruined Christmas!”

CREDITS!

[SteveD]

Without much choice, the gang decide to saddle up and head to Tom’s family estate in Maine. At the Bangor airport, Tom’s older, tougher brother Mark (Mark Wahlberg) greets them with a sign saying “British Dudes”. On the way to the big house, they get to arguing about the best way to go, and don’t see Stephen King walking his dog. There’s a crunch as he is comically run over.

The place is a lavish Edwardian house build in the early 18th century and reclaimed in the last thirty years or so. The massive entry and lounge are bedecked in wreaths and banners and candles, and Bing Crosby croons A Winter Wonderland from the stereo. They get rushed in and hugged by Tom’s mother Margaret (Stockard Channing) and introduce themselves to her, and to his father Robert (Gene Hackman), and then to everybody else – there’s about 25 relatives in the house (and I made a random table to see who they encountered). John starts by talking to Kortney (15), Tom’s cousin on his dad’s side, who just wants to talk rapid-fire about everything, particularly if it is true whether “English guys are all like, really horny”. Eirion gets faith-healed by crazy cousin Joshua, the Jesus-Freak. Charlie gets bailed up by Duncan (age 10) and his playstation, then intercepted by bitch-queen Grandma Lauren (Lauren Bacall):

Lauren: So, are you dating my grandson?
Charlie: uh…no. He’s dating my roommate.
Lauren: So where is she?
Charlie: She couldn’t come…
Lauren: Ah, so you’re the second-stringer, then? The reserve?
Charlie: uh…
Lauren: So why aren’t you dating my grandson?
Charlie: uh…
Lauren: What’s wrong with him? Handsome young lad, I would have thought.
C: Nothing
L: So why aren’t you dating him?
C: uh, I have a boyfriend, I’m dating Alan Lourdes, the actor
L: Hmm. And he doesn’t mind you being a half-caste?
C: Actually, I’m Indian.
L: Oh, wonderful. If we get attacked by cowboys, you’ll know just what to do!

Clinton (age four) grabs Charlie and wipes jam all over his pants, but John scoops him up and plays Spiderman with him. Meanwhile, Mark and Duncan are throwing the pigskin and having a heated argument about who would win in a fight, Spiderman or Superman:

Mark: He would throw him into the sun!
Duncan: No, no, cos he would use his webs and stop from falling in!
Mark: What’s he gonna do? Web up the SUN?

Eirion is now being bored by Robert about how good the trucking business is, and how he built the old family name up from nothing. The old family were here back in the 18th century, when Mad Uncle Rupert built the house, quite the eccentric he was, but then the family fell on bad times. John ends up with mad Aunt Dot, Robert’s aunt, Jim’s sister. Jim is deaf (Tom is shouting to him about Oxford in the corner) and Dot is doddering and John has to explain many times who he is.

Aunt Dot: I’m not related to you, am I?
John (very patiently): No, I’m Tom’s friend
Dot: Tom Evelyn’s eldest or Tom Robert’s son?
Col, breaking character: I don’t know, you’ve got the family tree!

Eventually, Tom excuses himself from his smothering mother and pulls his friends to safety outside. They move their stuff into the servants quarters. Mark follows, talking about Tom’s “football” scholarship and generally being a macho superior asshole.

Charlie: Is there something wrong with your brother?
Tom: Yeah, he had a football accident in high school
Mark: Hey, my pecker’s working just fine now, thanks!

They head back in for presents – for the very first time, Tom is being allowed to stay up for “grown-up presents” on Christmas Eve (kid presents are done the following morning), despite his mother’s protestations that he’s still her little boy. As they march into the lounge under the mistletoe, Charlie kisses Tom, and John, and Eirion, and then spots Mark on the end of the line. She smiles and ducks inside quickly. He is deflated. Especially since Tom’s not dating her, so he has a clean shot, as he already said quite loudly.

As gifts are exchanged among the group, and to the parents (only Charlie remembered to bring a gift for Tom’s parents, the others quickly go “oh, those are from all of us”), Santa arrives (Brian Blessed). He’s terribly jolly and a little drunk, having a quick feel of Dallas and even young Kortney who is naughtily out of bed. He hands out lollies and sweets to all, making jokes all the while, and asking everyone if they’ve been naughty or nice. It’s all good fun.

The gang then retire to their rooms, and spend a while looking for the secret compartments:
Eirion: Where are all the hidden weapons?
John: No, this is America. All the weapons are out in the open.

Eventually, the boys go to bed. Early next morning, the sun rises over the soft white snowy landscape and a very excited Eirion leaps out of bed. Of course he’s excited! It’s Christmas day, he’s sleeping over at Tom’s and he’s eleven years old!

COMMERCIAL! Coming soon: Maggie Smith, Miriam Margoyles and Jane Horrocks in Terry Pratchett’s Witches Three: the live-action series! Lawks!

[SteveD]

Eirion wakes his friends (also aged eleven), and they get into their snow gear and run outside for a snowball fight. Charlie watches and throws a few – why did Tom’s mom make him invite a gurl anyway? – and John is dismissive:

John: That is SO immature...
(He gets hits square in the face with a snowball. He looks cross. Then he immediately starts building a fort and stockpiling ammo)

Tom gets snowzored by his older brother Mark (15) – he is pinned down and snow is shovelled into his pants. At which point his mother comes out and yells at him not to ruin his pants. Tom blames Mark. Mark parries by suggesting Tom has wet his pants. John busts up. Charlie busts up. Mrs Brooks just shakes her head and tells them to get inside for presents.

As they move to go, John gets a quizzical look in his eye.
John: Hang on….does something about this seem a little odd?
Tom: Nope
John: Cool. Let’s go get presents!

John gets a complete set of Tolkein, his very first (sort of). Charlie gets a new bridle and a new rifle, so she can go hunting with daddy. Tom gets a new sled, Mark a new football helmet. Eirion gets…a puppy. Patches Mark 2. Mrs Brooks tells them to share. Charlie happens to be pointing the gun at the dog when she says “Oh, sure, I’ll share MY toys”

Then Mrs Brooks sends them out to play while she gets every else off to church – but they are not allowed to get dirty before they leave! Which leads Tom and Eirion to have the kewlest idea – if they get dirty, they won’t have to go to church at all!

The four boys and Charlie race through the woods, yelling and shouting and re-enacting the War of Independence, only with mud bombs and stick muskets. None of them notice the half-crippled form of Stephen King shuffing through the woods quietly calling for help – until a mud bomb hits him in the face and knocks him down a sharp incline into a deep gully, screaming all the way. After a while, the fun wanes:

John: “I’m bored, can we play the Falklands now?”

But they do indeed get out of going to church. Everyone is going to be punished, except Charlie, because she smiles her smile and is such a good girl. But Mrs Brooks has things to do, because Mrs Willis from down the way has just arrived, distraught – her two children didn’t come back from carolling last night. So Mark is left in charge again (despite Tom’s protests) and the boys are told to stay close and NOT GO IN THE WOODS. But as soon as she’s gone, they play up again, with John and Mark trying to Stink Palm each other. So Charlie asks Mark to show her the gun collection, and Tom and Eirion ditch stupid nerdy John and go back to the woods. John goes and reads a book.

(One nice thing about this group is it splits so nicely into pairs for dramatic conversations and splitting off to do cool things. In the first series, we started with a Tom/Eirion group (both outsiders) and a John/Eddie group (they were cousins). Then, for no clear reason, Eddie and Eirion bonded (the two rebels) and John and Tom linked up a lot (the two clowns, and the two romantics). This series, we’ve had – although a bit skewed with the five for a while, and Miranda and Fay but we returned to the steady state - Eirion and Charlie bonding (both rebellious, both magical) and Tom and John (both dating, not each other), but now we’re getting a whole new John and Charlie link (both had unhappy childhoods and are ignored by their parents still, more on this later) in contrast to Tom and Eirion (both had fairly happy childhoods), something which came out of this ep, completely unexpectedly. There’s also an emerging John/Eirion bond now as both of them want revenge for Eddie….)

Somewhere in the middle of everyone punching each other and calling people gaybos, Tom and Eirion stumble onto something cool in the woods. They pick it up and poke at it and then realised it’s a child’s arm, recently severed and still in the parka sleeve.

COMMERCIAL!


(This is all I got done at work today - 2000 words is a lot! - more to come tonight I hope)

[thenewgirl]

Good so far!!
:D


(Except the getting dirty to miss out on church was Charlie's idea!)

[happyelf]

YAYYYYYY

[dalziel_86]

I had so much fun remembering the kind of insults I used when I was eleven that I didn't want to stop. There's a gift for combining rude words in completely absurd but still insulting ways that you somehow lose at a certain age.

I think 'rodmuncher' was my favourite, though remembering that once upon a time calling someone a 'gaybo' was a common insult was nostalgia-tastic. :)

[Craig Oxbrow]

Gladness.

[Gavin Lucan]

YAY!!!! More TNW!!!!!! WOO!!!!!!!

[Burgonet]

The actual conversation between Mark and the brat was a little longer, with one of those lovely wind ups of escalation.

And raising of voices. I kept referring to Marcus as 'Marky Mark' (hence giving the character a decent and believable first name ;) ) but I was more trying voicewise for Chet from Weird Science.

Being 15 and infantile was fun again.
As opposed to being 33 and infantile.

;)

PS. Fear me Bakula! I am coming for j00!!

[dalziel_86]

Originally posted by SALette
PS. Fear me Bakula! I am coming for j00!!
Count Bakula has nothing to fear from j00!

[Burgonet]

Originally posted by dalziel_86
Count Bakula has nothing to fear from j00!

I'll hurl you into the Sun, Spiderman!!

joo cannot web ALL of the Sun!!!

[Jody Macgregor]

Originally posted by SteveD
Or, as Tom put it:

“The CIA ruined Christmas!”

That was Eirion's joke. Grrrrrrr!

[SteveD]

Look, just assume every quote is misattributed, okay? It's just easier.

From now on: I write down who said what, I promise.

[Craig Oxbrow]

I find putting the PC's initials next to the quote helps. Of course, after a while all the Ms and Zs get rather sloppy. :)

[SteveD]

Yeah, I'm just glad that we no longer have Eddie and Eirion...

And you Backula Street Boys - stop making such a racket!

We return to find Tom and Eirion arguing about what to do with the arm. Eirion gives it to Patches and goes “Seek!”. Patches thinks the bone tastes pretty good and starts eating it. Mark, meanwhile, has left the house to go fishing and is spying on them, and nabs the arm with his fishing rod. The boys and dog give chase. The combination of dog and fishing rod snaps the arm in a few places, prompting Tom to utter the immortal line: “What did you do to it, you rodmuncher?”

Back at the house, Charlie is grabbing as many guns as she can carry. Then she finds John and they go looking for the others – they’ll probably be with Patches.

Charlie: Whistle for the dog.
John: (after many failed attempts) How about I hum for the dog?

Eventually they stumble onto the boys arguing about who is and isn’t a rodmuncher and poking the arm. John asks what they’re looking at. He massively fails his fear roll and goes running screaming and crying into the woods, the others running after him. John’s random steps bring him out into a clearing, surprising Tom’s dad who hides something behind his back. Five hysterical children babble about what’s going on.

John: It’s an arm an arm ewww I wanna go home!!
Tom: I didn’t do it! Mark did it!
Mark: No, it was that weird little Welsh guy! His dog ate it!

Then a few of them try to explain that they are Watchers and can help out. This makes even less sense and causes others to shush them and tell them not to talk about their secret crime club. Tom’s dad keeps desperately trying to get them to leave the clearing and go back to the house, but they keep refusing and babbling on and on. So finally he shoves his bundle under a tree, shoves the arm under his arm and drags them all back to the house. In the chaos, Charlie slips back and examines the bundle – candles, robes, powder, and an amulet, the last of which she nicks.

Charlie grabs Eirion and they head to the library. Charlie has remembered that something isn’t right and starts looking up magic which turns people into children. Eirion thinks she’s a bit thick because he’s looking up spooky amulets. Tom and John lock themselves in Tom’s room to get away from Mark, who is being a total jerk. John is twigging, and digs out Tom’s Oxford enrolment papers. Tom doesn’t care because he is shouting through the door about how gay Mark is, how he can’t come in and how he’s telling. Mark bashes open the door anyway but before he can do anything, Tom’s mother calls from downstairs:

Mrs Brooks: Tom, there’s someone on the phone for you! It’s a girl…
Tom: Coming!
John: Oh I bet it’s your GIRLFRIEND
Mark: You have a girlfriend? That is SO gay!

(yeah, we stole it, shoot us)

Tom’s brain is somewhat addled and decides his girl Miranda must be 11 like him, since they go to school together. But then the woman on the phone doesn’t sound anything like her.

Miranda: How’s your Christmas? Mine’s –
Tom: Who are you?
M: Miranda, Tom. Your girlfriend.
T: You don’t sound like my girlfriend.
M: You sound funny too, is the line bad?
T: Are you sure you’re my girlfriend?
M: Yes, dammit, Tom, I actually really need to talk to you -
T: You sound like a grown-up. Who are you?
M: Tom, what are you doing? Is this some kind of game?
T: No! I just don’t know who you are
M: God, you just don’t get it, do you?
T: NO! Exactly!
M: Look, just forget it, okay? Just forget it. <slam>

The strangeness of gurls does not weigh heavily on Tom’s mind, so he rejoins the gang in the library and resumes his argument with Mark.

T: You suck so much!
M: You ultra suck!
T: You ultra mega suck!
John: Call him a singularity!
M: You suck like a vacuum!
T: You suck so hard your ass is in your own mouth!
John: Yeah, you singularity! Singularity!
M: Dude, that is so gay!

Eirion has found out that the amulet is from an ancient witch cult from the 17th century, thought lost since the Salem witch trials. Strangely, there are lots and lots of books on this cult in this small library. Charlie finds a turn-of-the-century poem about adults turning into children on Christmas Day, but it’s very cheesy. Somewhere in this, they also start arguing about whose family is cooler. This is just an approximation of these arguments because I really couldn’t tell what was going on in all the yelling

Charlie: My family is the richest of all and we have lots of horses and -
John: I have a horse too And my daddy is a lord. My family is the most noblest in England.
Charlie: Well my daddy is a lord too and he loves me, he’s just busy!
John: We have grounds and a huuuge house!
Charlie: We have three houses, one in London and one in Paris and -
John: We have servants and everything and land and -
Eirion: Hey, my family owns like a whole village!
John: SHUT UP! Your family KILLED EDDIE!

Throughout this, Charlie has been trying to get everyone to look at the stuff she and Eirion have found out, but nobody will listen. So she drags Eirion into the corridor outside the library, pushes him up against the wall and gives him his first kiss. Then something clicks in Eirion’s mind as he realises that wasn’t actually his first kiss at all.

Of course, all this chaos brings Mr Brooks into the library. He immediately starts lecturing everybody because they’re not allowed in the library and look at all the mess they’ve made. Needing more time to research, and knowing they’re about to be totally grounded, Charlie takes a drastic action. She picks up a priceless wedgewood vase and smashes it over Mr Brooks’ head. He’s out cold.


There is a pause.

Then Tom (John?) says “Wow, that was so cool!”

COMMERCIAL! Buy the new Eirion doll, complete with Hellhound Patches! With real black-pupil action! Horse sold separately.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Originally posted by SteveD
Tom’s brain is somewhat addled and decides his girl Miranda must be 11 like him, since they go to school together. But then the woman on the phone doesn’t sound anything like her.
...
M: God, you just don’t get it, do you?
T: NO! Exactly!
M: Look, just forget it, okay? Just forget it. (slam)
Oh dear.

And now I have to make the Ziggy action figure with black-eye action too...

[SteveD]

The gang compare notes. John goes through Mr Brooks’ pockets and finds a piece of paper describing a ritual. A quick read reveals that the ritual in the woods is designed to make the rivers give up their fish in great numbers. It’s a fishing spell. It’s got nothing to do with turning into kids. They turn back to the poem, which tells of some boring old mean adults who meet a mischeivous winter elf who turns them into kids. They go iceskating and learn to hold their childhoods in their hearts each christmas. Eirion keeps pointing out that Santa is an elf, but nobody listens. Charlie decides to go to the source, and rings Pru in Stockholm.

Pru: How’s your Christmas?
Charlie: Oh, just great. We’re stuck in the middle of nowhere, a million miles from home, and I’m ELEVEN.

Pru’s a bit tiddly (a common factor at Watcher dinners) but says it’s probably some kind of elven enchantment or trick, laid upon them during the night. It would make sense given their recent activities, and it fits with Santa legends. She happens to be on a table with an expert in solstice myths, will call back.

The gang reconvene, taking care to lock Mark out. So the spell-casting stuff was a red herring, and everything is about the poem. John tries to hold childhood in his heart, first by sighing a lot, then by encouraging everyone to be really immature, and so more insult slinging and slap fights ensue. This doesn’t work (but is fun). Someone points out that if it has something to do with Santa, it might have something to do with the Santa from last night, who gave them all something to eat. So was it? Tom, getting his memory back and enjoying the Agatha Christiness, declares “Aha! Let us go to the accusing room!”. John’s photographic memory clicks in – who was absent when Santa arrived?

Answer: nobody.

They go ask Mrs Brooks who hired the Santa. She is desperately trying to run the house and get Eirion to talk to the police, and is currently dealing with Mark who is complaining about Tom locking him out, which leads to this exchange:

Mrs Brooks: Where’s Eirion?
Mark: Who?
Mrs Brooks: You know. The weird little Welsh guy.

Mrs Brooks doesn’t know who hired the Santa, obviously her husband got someone from the village. As John helps Mr Brooks come to (and Mark goes round outside) he also confesses not to know who hired Santa, presumably his wife arranged it. Mark bangs on the window and tells them he’s gonna get them. Everyone distracts Mr Brooks and leads him into the hallway. He demands to know what’s going on.

So John cries. He cries like an expert. He screams and blubs and makes everybody desperately want him to shut up. He earns a DP. He runs and clings to Mrs Brooks and explains that a burglar is in the house and he knocked Mr Brooks on his head and even now is probably escaping through the window. At just that moment, Mark breaks the library window to get to Tom. The ruse works perfectly. Charlie suggests that the way the burglar got in and learnt the layout was sneaking in as Santa last night. The adults realise it wasn’t someone they knew. The cops (there for the arm) immediately give chase. They spring through to the library, out the window and spread out across the grounds, hunting down the rogue Santa.

All of which empties the house nicely so the gang can go to the study and call Pru on the speaker phone. They explain things:

John: Tom’s father was using magic to improve his fortunes and prosperity…
Mark: Was not!
John: Was too!

Mark butts in
Pru: Who am I talking to?
Mark: I’m Mark, I’m Tom’s elder brother!
Tom: Also, he’s a dickwad.

Pru explains that her source is very knowledgable about the poem. Apparently, it’s based on a true incident.

Charlie: Who is your source?
Pru: He’s one of the few people in the world who knows the truth about Santa.

(and the whole group busts up. I wish I could give myself drama points…)

Turns out Santa is a nasty little elf who loves to play tricks on people. When not turning adults into kids, he (as he did when he was an old winter god) demands tribute or he devours children. Weaknesses? Apparently he can be killed by the sound of church bells. Charlie asks if a recording will work. Pru verbally rolls her eyes and explains that this is just legend, not scientific rigour.

But now they have a shot. And it’s time to equip. They raid Mr Brooks’ desk. John already has his keys from when he picked his pockets. Tom grabs his gun from the drawer. Charlie looks around and says

“We’re gonna need more guns to kill Santa”

Begin a wonderful kitting-up montage. All the pistols and rifles from the gun club. Tom and his sword. Eirion brings Patches. Charlie brings walkie-talkies. The guys are convinced cookies and milk tribute will also help them, so Tom loads a bandolier with Oreos (and only snacking on a few) while John fills his waterpistols with milk.

(Which prompts an OOC conversation:
Me: Waterpistols with milk? Haven’t we done this before?
Jody: That was cream.
Col: And supersoakers
Ade: Yes! Supersoakers and cream – waterpistols and milk – they’re COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS!
Me: Oh yeah. It’s a whole new genre.)

For similar reasons, Mark brings beer. For violence reasons, he wears his grid iron armour and carries a baseball – the symbolic raiment of the American Warrior. Tom puts on his bike helmet. Finally, the five stand proud in the hall – loaded down with armour, guns, swords, knives, walkie talkies, grappling hooks, a telescope, some sandwiches, a compass, some lucky rabbits feet and more. There is a heroic pause for the camera. Tom utters a battle cry: “Let’s Get Santa”. Then slowly but surely, they all topple over from the weight.

COMMERCIAL! Buy New Ninja Shower Gel! Stabs your pores without you feeling a thing!

[Peter LaCara]

Glee!

[SteveD]

Forgot to say: Charlie tapes a CD player to her chest, running a constant repeat of a lead-in to Ding Dong Merrily on High. And John takes a cooler bin, for reasons unexplained as yet.

The gang push past the chaos of the house (past Kortney who is being faith-healed by Uncle Joshua, and Dallas and Felyce with colic and mad auntie Dot) and go steal Tom’s dad’s SUV. They all get in. John assures them he remembers how to drive. Then he bunny hops everywhere. As he manages to roar it out the driveway, Mr Brooks stumbles from the house and presumes the worst:

Mr Brooks: Hey! Call the cops! Santa’s stealing my car!

The gang drive into the woods, arguing about strategy – do they go to church or simply cruise the woods? Do they hunt the Santa or build an elaborate Santa trap using milk and cookies? Charlie throws Oreos out the window in the hope of luring him out. They don’t notice one hit Stephen King in the face, just as he climbs out of the gully. He falls the other way, slides down a rise and lands on a rough track. He smiles with triumph – has he finally found a way out of the woods? Nope – the SUV runs him over a second later.

John: What was that?

Then Charlie spots it – smoke rising in the distance. They close in on a small cottage, its chimney smoking. They step out of the car. Tom cocks his dad’s Tom Clancy gun-nut special optional extra automatic and looks scowly and tough.

Tom: Time to find out who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

Eirion bravely knocks on the door…then runs away. Santa opens the door – the same jolly old fellow from last night.

Santa: Hmm, I though I heard something. Mayhap some neighbourhood children playing a merry jape on –
Ade: I shoot him. I put a cap in his jolly ass.

Unfortunately, despite all the extras on his gun (or because of them), he fires wild and almost breaks his hand. The bullet goes pinging off into the stratosphere. Somewhere in the distance, Stephen King has flagged down a passing car…when he gets shot in the back.

Charlie presses play, revealing the real santa – a disgustingly obese goblin-faced old man, with reindeer antlers and hooves and a beard stained with blood and gravy – and big honking claws for hands.

The others step up. John opens his cooler and starts throwing snowballs. Mark goes for a rush but gets slammed to the ground, unconcious. Eirion rushes up with his knife but stays low, out of the way of those claws. Tom switches weapons and charges – “This is for Jingle Bells!”. Santa is slow, and can’t block the sword much, but his fat frame allows him to take a lot of licking. The damage and the snowballs pile around him, driving him back into the house. He dives in and slams the door, dragging Eirion (who is holding his leg) with him. Inside, Eirion sees a plate full of bones and a child roasting on a spit. Santa hefts Eirion up with one hand and wonders if he should have him with parsnips.

Then John crashes the SUV through the wall. Santa is thrown to the ground. Eirion uses the moment to stab Santa deep in the neck with his dagger, shouting “I wanted a bike, you bastard!”. Charlie advances on the stricken figure, and as she does so, the music causes his body to turn to snow. She backs off and demands to be turned back.

Santa: Damn children! Should be steamed and not heard!
Charlie: Turn us back!
Santa: I knew I should have eaten you last night. Lord Talon said you’d be trouble.
Charlie: Are you going to turn us back?
Santa: Certainly, if that’s what you want.
Charlie: What do you mean?
Santa: Well, if you’re adults again, you’re back in his world. You’ll have to face him. And my little games are nothing compared to the pain he will bring down on you.
Charlie: We’ll take our chances. Now change us back.

He touches his nose and gives with a nod, and there is a shimmer. Our heroes look around at their friends, stunned to see them back to their old selves. The moment is so disorienting they don’t notice Santa roll into his fireplace and vanish in the flames. They rush outside, but are too late. Above the hut, in the dusk sky, there is a wash of sparkling lights, and a sense of a sleigh. Far away comes the call “and to all a good night!” and a very deep, evil laugh.

Tom puts his hands on his hips and says wistfully “And the joker got away…”

Mark comes to, believing himself drunk and having destroyed his dad’s car. He makes some bad attempt to blame Tom. Tom rolls his eyes and remarks “You’re so immature”.

John: Call him a rodmuncher again.
Tom: But I’m no longer eleven
John: PHYSICALLY.

Tom: You’re a….dick…wad. Yeah, it’s just not funny any more.
Eirion: I guess we really are back

Charlie: God, what a Christmas
Eirion: At least it was better than last year
Charlie: It was?
John: Oh god yes.
Charlie: Dear god.

And the boys share a moment of old wounds and head back to the house. They tell the cops they found the house but the guy was long gone. They clean up and wonder if anything of Christmas can still be saved. John looks at Tom and gets a wicked smile.

John: So…it seems that nobody was organised to do Santa. So…
Tom: Yeah! Let’s get Uncle Joshua!
John: I had another idea. (nods to Eirion, who moves closer to Tom. So does Charlie)
Tom: Mark! Get Mark!
Charlie: Nah…

And they jump him in a big pile-on. A few seconds later, they let him up, dressed in a full santa costume. Tom is not amused. Close up on his face as he sighs and rolls his eyes at the big joke.

Tom: (sarcastically) Ho ho ho.

CREDITS! GRR! ARG! Play Let It Snow instead of usual end credits music. Zombie rides a sleigh!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Yay!

With added "eww!" and "oh dear".

[SteveD]

I should have probably let them free the child on the spit, to reduce the eww factor.

Also, I can't believe not a single one of my players knows about Virginia (There Really Is A Santa Claus). I so wanted a gag on that.

Steve

[Craig Oxbrow]

Originally posted by SteveD
I should have probably let them free the child on the spit, to reduce the eww factor.
That, my good fellow, is what reshoots are for.

[SteveD]

Okay, need more feedback!

Also, next week....

VO: (Toby Stephens?) The winter....

Oxford from the air - the winter floods. Merton Fields completely under ice. Whytham Woods snowcovered and dark.

...draws us in.

The four huddling into their coats as they cross the quad and running into the library.

...wraps us up...

In the library, the gang silently gather closer, listening to Pru and doing work.

...keeps us safe...

The gang are backed up against a wood wall, weapons in hand

...keeps things hidden

Fay stands in the snow, looking up at the college with worry and fear

...keep things secret

Somewhere, a door slams with shame and surprise

...but what happens

Fay saying "you need to be told..."

...when the secrets

Charlie gasping with shock and rage

...come out?

Tom going "WHAT?"

Cut to Miranda crying. Cut to Charlie yelling. Cut to John trying not to hulk out. Cut to everyone desperately trying to hold back a door as a gargantuanly strong force slams into it again and again and again....

Cut back to Fay. She says "You are in far more danger than you have ever dreamed"

Cut to somebody screaming.

Cut to the snow pouring down on Whytham Woods.

VO: Next week, on The Night Watch:

"The Hunt"

Cut to a patch of snow. Something heavy steps on it. As it rises again, the snow is burned black.

[SteveD]

i hate you all

[Craig Oxbrow]

I don't feel I can fairly comment. Nasty Smeagol.

[Burgonet]

Where's the write-up, by Mitra?

[Gavin Lucan]

Originally posted by SALette
Where's the write-up, by Mitra?

Seconded, with added prayers to Crom and Ymir.:D

[SteveD]

Crom helps those who help themselves.

The GM helps those who get the fuck off his back already, dammit.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Scott worships Rhona Mitra?

[Burgonet]

Originally posted by Craig Oxbrow
Scott worships Rhona Mitra?

Doctorb WHO???

[Craig Oxbrow]

Rhona Mitra, worksafe IMDb version (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0593961/)

The original live-action Lara Croft at the likes of E3.

[colbabe]

Originally posted by SteveD
John: That is SO immature...
(He gets hits square in the face with a snowball. He looks cross. Then he immediately starts building a fort and stockpiling ammo)
There was also a lovely moment here where Eirion and John got into fisticuffs and wrestling, and this dialogue popped out between blows as the boys reverted to class struggle:

John: Filthy commoner! -whack-
Eirion: Posh git! -slam-

(Sorry I'm so behind on the posts, but unlike TWH, we don't get e-mails when new show-based threads pop up. Hint hint.)

[colbabe]

Originally posted by SteveD
Eirion: Hey, my family owns like a whole village!
John: SHUT UP! Your family KILLED EDDIE!
I remember that there was a nice shocked silence after this remark. Yep, that's John's pent up feelings released after being turned into an adolescent. I'd imagined he'd have apologised to Eirion for that remark once he was back to normal.

[SteveD]

Sorry, will try to notify.

[SteveD]

I remember that there was a nice shocked silence after this remark

I enjoyed it. And it sets up 2.11 so nicely....

Ah, the subtext! Ah the foreshadowing!

[SteveD]

For my players to see: stats for the bad you bested two weeks back.

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=125322&highlight=Buffy

[dalziel_86]

And when do we get the write-up from Sunday's game? :p

[colbabe]

Oooh! Such impatience!

[Burgonet]

I know.

What a rude bastard.

....

Crom is a useless, mascara smeared Depression agony aunt that's too busy at the Faux club to give a rats about me.

Where's my write-up?

;)

(The Dead live vicariously through the living. Or is that the other way around?)

[dalziel_86]

The Dead live vicariously through the living...
I know, I know, tell me about it. Jerry Garcia's always bugging me to tell him what's happening. He reads my LiveJournal, and sends me e-mail when I don't update often enough.

[SteveD]

To the west of Oxford lies Whytham Woods, one of the largest and oldest forests in the south. Its elms and larches grow close together, quickly blotting out the roads in the distance, protecting secluded groves of mossy logs and scattered leaves. In winter, the bare branches are no less obscuring, and many are the foolish hikers who are unable to find the road again before the sudden darkness of night falls down on the land.

Oxford rarely gets a snowfall, but in the woods this January there was a dusting, turning the winter flood plains to icefields, sticking hard to the branches like cake frosting, painting the forest floor like a creeping fungus devouring the land. Against the grey sky, the white snow and the black trees merged into a wet, washed-out wasteland, so much so that when the sleet began to fall, it did little to change the vista. Like a trickle hitting a puddle, it simply caused the forest to ripple and become wetter, and colder, and more sodden.

Then something moved, like a sharp reflection off the snow, like a bolt of pure sun turned white against the frozen ground. Its sharp, unnatural colouring was perhaps the most obvious sign that it was alien to this world, but not the only one. It moved too well, too perfectly, and the woods seem to ripple and tear around it. As its put its weight onto the snow, the ice steamed, then bubbled black as it froze again.

Inside its mind, it too knew that it did not belong. It had walked this world before, long long ago, but then it had been different. Like the home it had just left behind, not changed and twisted like this pathetic shadow world. It was confused by unknown scents and incomprehensible gravity. It was tired and it was afraid and it was suffering. And it was angry.

But beneath all of that was a deeper instinct, a hunger built into its creation. Its nostrils flared and caught the scent of blood and sweat, and its head turned to find it. Then it was moving, changing from stillness to full speed without anything between. And the faster it ran, the better it felt. Purpose rushed through it again; ancient memories came flooding back. This is what it was made for: to seek, and to rush - and to kill…

[SteveD]

2.10 The Hunt

Oxford rarely gets a snowfall but this January a wet dusting turned into a mushy cloak of drab white and grey, shrouding the streets with mist and the kind of cold that soaks into everything. Our heroes shuffle down the empty High, a light dusting of snow on their big black coats. They snuggle down into their scarves. Charlie sports a very stylish bobble hat. Eirion has a huge furry hat with floppy ears that makes him look like a great dane. They swing in through the huge iron gates of Magdelen, under the arch and into the quad. Around them, other students bustle, equally huddled into their coats. The twins swish past in stylish swiss snow gear, Rebecca somehow seems to still not need neither hat nor ear muffs.

Running upstairs, they sigh as they enter the warmth of the library. A fire crackles and Pru pushes warm tea into their hands. She seems in a good mood - Hilary, she explains, is her favourite term. The kinks of the first term worked out, but free from exam pressure, people can really learn things. And they do indeed need to catch up with their studies. Pru hands them a massive pile of notes from the conference in Stockholm, asking for a precis in a few days. Tom thinks this is a waste of time, seeing how it could have valuable information. Pru explains that as well as fighting evil, they are also here to LEARN, and that means homework. Being a Watcher is hardly ever about saving the world, and very often about doing paper work. So get cracking!

She also explains that the CIA have set up an initiative to do the Watcher's job, but the Council have formulated a policy of observance and staying out of their way. Mr Giles will report. She also tells the boys that the Slayer quit - somehow it slipped her mind to tell them after summer hols. She has been busy keeping up with everything. Speaking of that, it seems that Santa was sent by a "Lord Talon" or something. Pru suggests they meet this evening for cocoa and a council of war to see what they can find about this chappie. For the meantime, though, Eirion and Charlie need to report for TK training.

As those two practise bouncing a ball back and forth to each other, John walks over to the stacks and pulls out a copy of Midsummer Night's Dream. He flicks through it, looking pensive, like he's on the verge of a great discovery. Then a tennis ball hits him hard on back of the head. From off screen Eirion shouts "Sorry!"

Roll credits!

[SteveD]

Eirion is very good at throwing the ball, but Charlie lacks control. So she concentrates very hard…and knocks it flying out through the window. Down in the quad, the Master (Robert Lindsay) who catches it effortlessly. Good timing, though, as the twins swan into the library. One of them (Elizabeth, or possibly Jessica) asks John for some help with English literature cos he’s so smart and clever and everything. John ends up with a study date to watch Midsummer that night. Meanwhile, Pru tells the others quietly that things have been quiet on the eldritch front – the only thing remotely suspicious are a few hikers found dead in Whytham Woods, but the police are handling it.

As the twins leave, Eirion goes long and backs into the Master who has entered silently. Eirion yelps in surprise. The Master says nothing, just stands there holding a tennis ball. Then he proceeds to say somethings which for some reason Eirion and Charlie find very amusing.

“I believe before Christmas break, there was a bit of a scuffle in the library”
Charlie snorts.


The Master explains that the Watcher’s council is a guest at Magdalen, and while they are happy with this ancient arrangement, he’s getting sick of paying to fix the library. Charlie sasses the Master back, saying she’s so sorry that people tried to kill them and that next time they’d just fall over and die. Eirion keeps elbowing her to get her to shut up but she’s in a bad mood. The Master just sniffs and tells them he wants no more shenanigans in the stacks. Unable to hold in the laughter, Charlie points and says “I have to go study now!” and runs off. Eirion points after her, and follows, without a word.

Meanwhile, Tom and Miranda have met up. Mir is very happy to see him, and very cross about the phone call. Tom explains: “Sorry – I was eleven at the time.” She believes Tom’s explanation, and explains herself – her mother was in a bad car accident on Christmas Eve and she needed someone to talk to. (Ade’s repsonse was quite funny: “Gee, that’s not funny AT ALL!”) Mir says they need to talk, but before they can the twins come along and start pestering Tom for info about John, about who he’s seeing now Fay dropped out.

Miranda goes back to her room. Charlie is already there, opening her belated Christmas present from Alan Lourdes, to discover it is a very salacious nightgown, with a rather forward note. She puts it away as Miranda comes in. A this point, Miranda and Charlie proceed to have an absolutely fantastic cold-hearted bitch fight that I knew I would never remember nor be able to write down. Curse you, Mr Oxbrow, for doing the freaking impossible and making me feel so damn inadequate. Especially since this episode was inspired by your game.

Anyway, basically Charlie is too angry to be nice to Miranda and points out that all her problems are ALL HER FAULT. She isn’t being clear to Tom about what she wants. Miranda, stung, tells Charlie to stop being such a bitch, because she has it easy being so beautiful and adored while she is so plain. Charlie says that Miranda is the bitch, from the very first moment they met. And she hit on her boyfriend. Miranda says she didn’t. Finally, it breaks up when Charlie gets a phone call:

“There’s been another killing in the woods?”
“To whom am I speaking?”

Charlie says she has to go and without planning it, me (as Miranda) and thenewgirl (as Charlie) both try to leave the room in a huff, and shout in unison “I’m going first!”. They both barge out.

Charlie calls Tom.

“I’ll meet you at the morgue, okay?”
“Who is this?”

She tells him he should talk to his girl. He says they plan to.
“Yeah, well, you should get on to that quick”
“But right now we have to go to the morgue, don’t we?”

Oh that’s enough for now. COMMERCIAL!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Curse you, Mr Oxbrow, for doing the freaking impossible and making me feel so damn inadequate. Especially since this episode was inspired by your game.
Sorry about that...

[colbabe]

...Rebecca somehow seems to still not need neither hat nor ear muffs.
She's unnatural! Someone cast a spell to send her back to her dimension of origin!

Sorry, been feeling a little on burnt side lately. Oh, and have been watching Buffy Season 7 finally, and, after seeing 7.14 First Date (http://www.upn.com/shows/buffy/episodes/season07/show_14.shtml), am not pleased to see that Xander still has that Tragic Love flaw after seven goddamn years. Will John ever shake it?

[Craig Oxbrow]

Nah. :D

[SteveD]

As I have said before, Rebecca is the one person who is exactly as she seems.

Which, in this show, makes her very odd indeed.

- might be lying D

[SteveD]

BTW, the way it was inspired by Craig's game is that I kept the monster hunting very simple so that people could talk more. It worked very well for this ep, cos it was a big talking one...and other things. So much to see...coming soon! As soon as my work stops cracking the whip and I have five seconds to do anything again....

Steve

[Craig Oxbrow]

Promises, promises, precious...

[dalziel_86]

BTW, the way it was inspired by Craig's game is that I kept the monster hunting very simple so that people could talk more. It worked very well for this ep, cos it was a big talking one...and other things.
It worked just as well when you did it off your own bat last season too. :p

[SteveD]

(You know, I realised one reason why I was feeling a bit down and bored at the end of this episode. It's because that's what the characters were feeling - things are kinda bleak, and kinda in a rut. Which is kinda cool, to be broadcasting those waves so strongly.)

Charlie stands in the grey snow morning outside the Radcliffe Hospital building. John comes riding up on his bicycle, followed by Eirion on his moped (a gift from John for Xmas). John looks at Eirion's earflaps and grins supportively. "I'm sure mod fashion is very flexible.". Eirion lifts an earflap. "What?" John: "I said...oh never mind..."

It is a sense of rut-stuckitude that pervades things as once again the four gather at the morgue. A different four from the beginning, but a four starting to become just as familiar, and an experience they all know by rote. Without even discussing it, Charlie goes back to seducing the fat geeky guy behind the counter, allowing John and Eirion to sneak into the shelves and find their man. It's nothing very astounding - he was killed by something very sharp being thrust through his heart with incredible strength. He was staked to death. However, curiously, no slivers of wood are in the wound.

As they search, John and Eirion discuss John's theories. Basically, he's concluded that since the Watchers know almost nothing about fairies beyond what is fiction (which Pru reported from the conference), they should LOOK to fiction for information. And where better to start than Midsummer?

John: You see, all [Shakespeare's] fairies are WELSH!
Eirion: Hey, it's not MY fault!

The gang head back to college and John runs into the twins again. Elizabeth (or Jessica) asks for help with her "Plantagonists". John suggests a viewing of Richard the III. He confesses to Eirion: "I think I'm being hit on..." Eirion returns his trademark sarcasm: "Oh how AWFUL for you..."

Meanwhile, Tom and Miranda have finally arranged their chat. They walk through Magdelen woods. Miranda seems to want to say something. She keeps talking about how Tom isn't there for her, there's always something that needs doing, the world needs saving. Tom says it's part of the job. Mir says she knows, but she needs more. She seems to be dancing around something. She says maybe they need a break or something. She's confused. And not sure where things are going.

Miranda: So yeah, I think maybe we should have a break
Tom: (patiently and kindly) Well, I suppose - WHAT? HAVE A BREAK?
Miranda: Just for a while, so I can figure out where things are going etc
Tom: (patiently again) Well if that's what you want.
Miranda: And maybe see other people.
Tom: (still patient) well, if you think - WHAAA? SEE OTHER PEOPLE?!?!?!
Miranda: Well, you know, if we want to.
Tom: Where did this come from?
Miranda: (very sadly) Oh, Tom....you never understand....
Tom: No, exactly. I don't understand. I don't understand AT ALL.

And Mir runs off in tears. John comes up and invites him to come and see Richard III that night. Tom: "Richard the third? Did Charlie get ANOTHER boyfriend?"

Cut to Charlie watching Miranda run away from the window of her room. She's pensive. She looks down at the nightie Alan gave her, and looks sad, but as if she's realised something. She takes out a pen and paper and writes a note. She puts it and the nightie on Miranda's bed, packs her things in a case, strips the bed and walks out.

Her face tense with held back tears, she finds herself walking to the library in search of Pru. But when she gets there, she finds the door shut, and Percy Shelley intercedes before she can open the door. Pru's in there with the "friend" she mentioned would be calling earlier, and shouldn't be disturbed. Charlie sighs and Percy sees he can be of help - especially in matters of the heart. "Sit down", he says, "and tell Uncle Percy all about it...Opium?"

The boys while away the afternoon on their studies, desperately trying to read the conference notes and get their precis and essays done. It's hard work to be back, especially when you have things on your mind. Gazes wander from books to windows, and the gray bleakness. Probably, Leonard Cohen plays.

Eventually, the boys gather at the library door to find Percy and Charlie still talking.

Percy: And so I gave everyone in the room syphillis by the end of it! Hahahahaa!
And Charlie joins in.

Then the door is thrown open and they meet a man in full hunting pink. He introduces himself as Mycroft Spencer-Churchill (Jonathon Pryce), president of the Hunt Club. Old friends of the Watchers, don't you know, only less with the books and more with the shooting the beasties. Ran into Pru again in Stockholm, hunting trolls. Knew her back in college, eh what. He knows them by the praise Pru has heaped on them, and wishes them well.

Tom demands to know from Pru why they've never heard of The Hunt Club before. Pru rolls her eyes.

Pru: Thomas, there are a vast array of ocult oragnisations in England -
Charlie: - Richard and Judy -
Pru: - to name one.

And so the gang sit down with cocoa and marshmallows and talk turkey. Lord Talon is their enemy, presumably some kind of powerful faerie. The sword is definitely fairy in origin, might be Excalibur, and everyone seems to want it. The redcaps came back because of timing, but were they working for someone? The scisovore tried to eat the sword. The Japanese sword-spirit was drawn to it. What the hell is it? Why is Alan Lourdes interested - is he in on this too? Or are there more parties? If Talon wants the sword, why does he want it? And should we give it to him?

Tom: Nooo....I think that would be a bad idea.
John: But why? What would he do with it if he had it?
Fay: (appearing at the door) He'd kill you all.

COMMERCIAL! Cary Elwes of TV's "The Night Watch" recommends CRELM TOOTHPASTE! It's CRELMIER! Put the bite back into life with Crelm!

(edit: I sleep now, more tomorrow)

[Craig Oxbrow]

"Sit down", he says, "and tell Uncle Percy all about it...Opium?"
Oh, I needed a laugh today. Thank you.

More! Sleep is for the weak! I've had less than four hours! Rar! Must read more! Must be entertained!... Ooh, Crelm!

[thenewgirl]

Good write up!

Go you!

Go us!

:D

I am le tired...

[SteveD]

And so Fay begins to tell her story…

Once upon a time, as the Watcher’s records tell, the world was ruled by The Old Ones – powerful demons who made it their personal hell. Then they faded and only vestiges and magics remain. The REASON they faded is because the elves killed them all, and created this paradise instead. Then there came a mortal, animal spirit called humans. First, the elves kept them as pets but when it became clear they had souls, they were set free. But they were unruly and destructive and before too long the elves were killing them all the time to keep them under control. Blood flowed deep and red.

A solution was needed, so a deal was struck. Lord Talon, a good friend of humans, gave a special dragon-blooded warlord – a Romano-Briton called Arturo - a sword of dragon’s tooth. He was to use it to unite humans and give them a purpose and nobility. At the same time, the elves would promise not to harm a human unless they broke the laws of this Concordance, and were marked for the Hunt. The experiment didn’t work. Arturo destoryed his dream with selfishness, and threw the sword away. Elves were angry and Talon was particularly slighted. But the Concordance bound them, and so the elves Withdrew to ponder their foolishness.

Since then, humans have spawned like cockroaches. With each passing century, they kill each other more and poison the earth further. And because this world is but a shadow of Arcadia, Arcadia dies with it. Humans have also recently stolen earth treasures, and spell casters have poisoned the Other Realms. Worst of all, elves discovered that humans are demon-tainted, and can be inhabited by demon spirits (and become vampires), and thus are as bad as their ancient enemies. Many elves believe the time has come to bring humans back under elven domination, or wipe them out altogether. However, other elves believe humans are worth saving. To assess the situation, should battle occur, scouts were sent to the world of shadow. Fay is one of them.

Talon is not one of them. Talon is Master of the High Hunt and High Lord of the Warmark and he wants his sword back and he wants a war. He believes that getting the sword back will remove the last symbol of the Concordance and give him the war he wants. He also knows that humans hurting (or worse, killing) elves – particularly with an elven blade – is great support for his campaign. Talon wants them to do something stupid, so he can get his excuse. On the other hand, if they just give him the sword, he’ll be able to sunder the Concordance and get his war that way.

This “don’t kill any elves” worries the PCs a lot.

John: Did you kill Santa with the sword?
Tom:I kinda poked him a bit. Was Santa an elf?
Eirion: That’s how the song goes.

Fay says that because Santa is an escaped prisoner, and just a puck, and because the scissovore was just a beast, they’ve been okay so far. They’re just lucky Tom didn’t hit any of the high elves in the library.

More questions:
Tom: So why are we demon-tainted?
John: Because we can turn into vampires.
Eirion: We can? Neat.

They ask a lot of questions, and Fay tries to answer them. She says she is trying to figure out Talon’s plan but he’s hard to track, his gift with glamour is unmatched. Tom thinks on this, and realises that it means he (or his men) could be absolutely anyone. So basically, they can’t injure anybody at all on the small chance they might end the world. This is not good.

Fay also announces that she knows what is loose in the woods – Talon let a unicorn loose, and it is angry and it is very dangerous. She will need their help in capturing it and sending it back. Best they ride out, as the snow has clogged the roads. She will collect them at dawn.

As she goes to leave, she steps closer to John.

Fay: Could I have a word?
John: Not now. I can’t keep Jessica waiting…(John turns to leave, stops, and turns back)…or it could be Elizabeth, I’m not sure.

(And more tomorrow. I also have a quote here that I don’t know who it is about:
Fay: Is something wrong with your friend?
John: (correcting) _Colleague_

Thoughts?)

[colbabe]

Hrm... Can't quite remember. Actually, I think this might have been later when Alan was around. I can't think of anyone else that John would have insulted this way. Unless it was a comeback - did any of the others insult John during that exchange?

[dalziel_86]

Arturo destoryed his dream with selfishness, and threw the sword away.
I don't think 'destoryed' is a word, but perhaps it should be.

It also bears noting that at few points was the beast referred to as anything but a 'unicr0n'. Many Orson Wellles jokes were made that day.

Come on Steve! Get to the good bit, with the complicated game of musical bedrooms!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Yes! Do!

[SteveD]

(I almost got this damn thing finished, but I apparently have to work for a living, and now that I've joined a gym, no longer have my lunch times. Tonight, the end, I promise)

With Fay gone, the gang begin to plan.

Pru: The classic method of catching a unicorn is fascinating them with a virgin.
(there is a pause. Nobody says anything)
Pru: So no luck there then…

But then they remember a certain morgue guy who loves to tell Charlie about his Dr Who collection. Could he be a virgin? Charlie knows how to find out. She immediately trots off to the morgue to invite Huw (for tis his name) to the video night. He agrees so fast he almost chokes himself.

Meanwhile, John is picking up Jessica. He thinks. He keeps asking questions to try and figure out which one is which, but she just keeps saying “my sister” or “my twin”. They go back to his place and start watching Richard III.

John: Now, see, in this scene, Richard is trying to woo the queen even as they stand over her husband’s grave. Now what does that tell you?
Jessica/Elizabeth: (in her best valley girl) That Richard is very horny?

Huw and Charlie arrive. Charlie does the introductions: John, Jessica.
John: (sotto voce, regarding her identification of the twins) How DOES she do that?
Charlie: (rolling her eyes and explaining kindly) One wears pink, the other orange.

Meanwhile, Eirion and Tom are still in the library. They’re talking about Fay.

Eirion: You think she might have called him or something.
Tom: I don’t think they have phones in the elven kingdoms.

As the night wears on, John and Charlie excuse themselves to get more snacks. John’s confused, why are they leaving him alone with a promiscuous virgin?

Charlie: To see if he’s a virgin, dummy.
John: Um…he might not be a virgin for very long!

Charlie’s plan is simple. If he’s a virgin, he’ll be too nervous to make a move. If he’s not, he’ll go for it.

Back in the library, Pru is lamenting to the boys about the tempora and the mores.

Pru: I can’t believe you all…I mean, in my day, it was much more, well…we didn’t…
Tom: Oh come on, Pru, you saying you and Colonel X never…?
Pru: (blushing) That doesn’t count, it was fictional!
Eirion: So Pru lost her virginity between chapters?

And here the bedroom farce begins in earnest. Watch carefully, as the players move around the board…

John and Charlie return to the room to find Jessica has left to get some sleep. Charlie uses herself as a test and lies in Huw’s lap. Then she carefully positions her body so she can fall asleep on both Huw and John. She’s sleeping on Huw so he doesn’t leave, and John so Huw doesn’t try anything.

Huw says something crass to John.
Players: Ewww. Who is this guy?
The Player Of Charlie: Haven’t you noticed how Charlie gets all the good ones?
The Player of Eirion: Hey!

Tom meanwhile runs into Jessica or possibly Elizabeth in the halls. She says she hears he’s having trouble with Miranda, and maybe he’d like to go to the spring ball with her? Tom smiles broadly and they walk off, their minds full of country matters. Which is why, when Eirion leaves the library and returns to his room, he finds the sock on the door, which means Do Not Enter.

Exasperated, Eirion goes to see if he can bunk in Pru’s room. Unfortunately, he finds Shelley (Colin Firth) guarding the door. Seems Pru’s friend Mycroft came back for a nightcap.

Eirion: So you’re Pru’s sock?
Shelley: Am I? How fascinating!
Eirion: Well, I better go then.
Shelley: No, stay, I think I’m going to compose a poem about being a sock. Now, what rhymes with sock? Lock? Hock? Knock? C- **Jump cut**

Eirion, out of options and knowing that Tom is with Miranda (because of the sock) goes to Charlie and Mir’s room to wait for Charlie. Cut back to Huw grimacing with muscle pain as Charlie’s head rests gently in his crotch. Charlie snores heavily. Eirion eventually gets bored, turns the light off and curls up under the blanket (the college blanket left behind when Charlie moved out).

A bit later, he wakes up as he hears someone coming in. He’s about to pull back the blanket when he hears Miranda’s voice. And someone else’s. Alan’s. He hides, and listens…

They come in, Alan being very polite and caring. Miranda finds the present on the bed. For me? She asks. Of course, says Alan. Inside is a skimpy black nightie. Miranda reads the card.

Miranda: “Maybe you can wear this next time…my darling CHARLOTTE???”
Alan: Oh, yes…well, I gave that to her at Christmas, when I was still suffering from that silly infatuation. Forgot to remove the card.
Miranda: You gave me a used present?
Alan: It was never worn.
Miranda: At Christmas? How long had you been dating then?
Alan: Oh, I forget…
Eirion: (throwing off the covers) You’d had TWO dates, you slimy sleazeball!
Miranda: AHHHH!
Alan: Yes, well, I’m a very passionate lover.
Miranda: What are you doing here?
Eirion: I was waiting for Charlie
Miranda: But it’s MY room!
Eirion: Well, I figured you were with Tom, because of the sock, and I needed somewhere to sleep, and there was no one here, so…
Miranda: But you were listening…wait a minute…the sock? (suddenly deathly serious) WHO IS WITH TOM???
Eirion: How should I know?

And Miranda runs out of the room at top speed. The really beautiful part about this is that we were playing it for all we were worth (John’s player was doing Alan, and I’ve forgotten some of his dialogue) and I, playing Miranda, had forgotten what the sock would mean to her. So when I reacted to Eirion’s lines, I was actually reacting as myself. Perfection.

Alan smiles at Eirion.
Alan: Women, eh?
Eirion: (sighing) You know, just because you’ve got money doesn’t mean you’ve got class.

And he pushes past him and chases after Mir.

Mir pounds on Tom’s door. There’s some clunking and shhing and then he lets her in. He’s in his PJs, lying at a strange angle on his bed. The audience can see he is concealing a human form.

Miranda: Why do you have your sock on? Who’s in here!
Tom: Nobody. I just…wanted some time alone. To get used to this idea. Of seeing other people.
Mir: (chagrined) oh. Sorry. I just. I didn’t want…
Tom: I understand.
Mir: (suspicious) Are you hiding something?
Tom: No. (shifts elbow) Nothing.
Mir: Okay. Sorry.

And she leaves. As she shuts the door, she distinctly hears a female giggle. And her eyes go dark (metaphorically, that is). She thinks for a moment, then goes running down the stairs into the quad. She leaps the fence and catches Alan before he can leave, and they drive off together.

Eirion, now very confused, and with nowhere to sleep, goes and curls up in the library and has a very cold night. He falls asleep shivering near dawn, and but a few minutes later he is rudely awakened by someone pulling him to his feet. He looks bleary eyed at Fay…who is now wearing some kind of daughter-of-Freya-via-Xena-and-Errol-Flynn leather armour, jerkin and forestcloth hunting gear, complete with knee high boots, long bow and helm.

Fay: The Hunt is called! We must ride!
Eirion: (blearily) …jus’ another five minutes…

COMMERCIAL: Do you hate somebody enough to give them your last Pot Noodle?

[Craig Oxbrow]

Alan smiles at Eirion.
Alan: Women, eh?
Eirion: (sighing) You know, just because you’ve got money doesn’t mean you’ve got class.
Had I been in Eirion's position, I'd have decked Alan.

Actually, had I been in Miranda's position I'd have decked Alan.

In fact, just about everybody should have decked Alan by now...

[Mengtzu]

Had I been in Eirion's position, I'd have decked Alan.

Actually, had I been in Miranda's position I'd have decked Alan.

In fact, just about everybody should have decked Alan by now...



*I* want to deck Alan, and I've only known him for three posts' worth of reading backwards on this thread.

[colbabe]

Don't worry kiddoes, Alan gets fairly pwn3d in the last scene. Stay tuned.

And yes, Kasumi, Alan has been a royal pain-in-the-rear for all of us for most of the season.* Check out Thread 1 (http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=97116) and Thread 2 (http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=109898) for the whole story.

* Of course, it being a Buffy game, there is bound to be some future usefulness in the annoying characters. Just look at Cordelia.

[colbabe]

Y'know Steve, to capture all the dialogue, we should either do as TWH do and write it retrospectively, or we'll all have to note down our own dialogue (we can't have you doing the lot), or we're gonna have to invest in some sort of audio-recording gear. Honestly, it's gold, and we need to preserve it.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Why don't my players worry about me having to write it all down? My poor handses...

[dalziel_86]

Don't worry kiddoes, Alan gets fairly pwn3d in the last scene. Stay tuned.[/SIZE]
In fact, one proposed title for this episode was 'Alan Gets Pwn3d'. :)

[thenewgirl]

He does indeed get pwn3d. Read on:

Fay has even less luck rousing John’s enthusiasm. Stupid mortals, trying to sleep (why do they do that?) when there’s a deadly beast to catch and the Call of the Hunt has gone up. Eventually, though, she gets all five of them (Huw included) down to the stables. Huw is very confused, he’s never really had a date like this before. Charlie flirts mercilessly to get him to acquiesce.

Charlie: Don’t you like to _ride_, Huw? I know I do.
Huw: Er, well, I’ve never really ridden before..uh, er, I mean…
Eirion: (coming up with the saddles and keeping his trademark deadpan) Ah, so you’ll be the virgin then.

Eirion mounts his horse Tuesday, and Charlie swings onto Agatha. Tom and Huw wobble on rentals. As John readies Eorl, Fay brings out her huge pitch-black Arabian stallion, Midnight. She looks tenderly and sadly at John for a moment.

Fay: John. You know how I said I get dizzy on horses?
John: Yes.
Fay: I lied. (and without saddle, bridle or stirrups, she leaps onto her horse like a consummate pro)
John: (unimpressed and swinging up easily himself) Yes, well, we’ve both lied about a lot of things, haven’t we?

Tom interrupts by rearing his horse up and humming Bonanza! And they ride out! Charlie and Fay are exceptional horsewomen, Eirion is not far behind and John has been learning well. Leading the others, they are a mighty sight. In a homage to Branagh’s Much Ado and various cowboy films, we watch them ride at full canter towards the camera, the grey snow churning beneath their hooves, the winter dawn sparkling behind their flowing hair and shirts.

Soon enough, they find themselves away from the farms and roads and deep in Whytham Woods. Eirion’s farm skills and late night research make it very easy for him to locate the tracks – like a giant horse, only with a cleft-hoof.

Eirion: Yup. It’s either a unicorn, or a really big goat.

Around this time, Fay says something odd.

Fay: Once we control it, I can bring it home. Is the Sacrifice ready?

Picking out the trail through the now again-falling snow, they come past a hiker’s cabin. Smoke from the chimney indicates it is occupied. Most of the gang ignore it, but Charlie can’t resist checking in. One look through the windows reveals two figures by the fire. A second look reveals them to be Alan and Miranda. Disgusted, she rides to catch up.

Suddenly, Eirion, scouting ahead, stumbles into a clearing and there it is. Twenty hands high, not an ounce of fat, its muscles rippling and straining under its diamond hair. It seems to hang in space, too large, too white, too intense for this world. And it knows it. And it is scared and angry.

Everything goes quiet. People move…very……slowly.

Then bam! Charlie throws the net over the beast and John moves Huw forward. Huw gibbers. The beast whinnies in rage, rips the net to shreds and breaks through the woods. Charlie charges after it. Pulling level, she reaches out with her mind, and feels its galloping rage. Then she says simply “Stop”.

The sound is horrible – four thin legs suddenly stop and take the full momentum of a clydesdale moving at the speed of a racehorse. It’s front leg snaps at the knee, and the splintered bone breaks the skin. Blood spurts everywhere. The beast crumbles to the ground and starts writing and frothing at the mouth. Charlie lifts it off the ground to ease its pain, but it doesn’t stop striving against the TK barrier. Charlie breaks into a sweat. People are screaming at Huw and Fay to do their thing. Transfixed, somewhere in Charlie’s mind a door opens, and she sees inside the unicorn’s head. And she realises why it ran, and where it was going – where it is still, desperately trying to get.

The unicorn hates impure lovers. It’s trying to get to the cottage. And it’s feeding directly off Charlie’s own jealousy and anger, like a source of power running into it. Giving it strength. Healing its leg.

Finally they get Huw into its eye range and the unicorn suddenly goes still. The connection broken, Charlie staggers back, her nose bleeding. The unicorn still shivers but cannot help but stare at Huw. Eventually, it lowers its head in obedience. At which point Fay touches its hide, and there is a sudden sharp glow of pure white, as the forest seems to suddenly be as perfect as the unicorn. And then both of them are gone.

The gang stare at each other for a moment. Then they look at Huw. They’ve told him it was all a bit of a prank, but he’s having trouble buying it. This time, the Crime Club excuse wont’ cut it…

Charlie: Welcome to the Fantasy Crime Club!
John: Oh, can we NOT be the FCC?

The alarums and excursions have drawn attention – Alan is loping over, and Miranda. Tom rides up to Miranda. She stutters, trying to apologise. He cuts her off.

Miranda: I’m sorry, I didn’t –
Tom: Miranda, I’ve moved on. I’ve put it behind me. I hope you can do the same. (and he rides past)

Tom then encounters Alan, who tries to wave hello but Tom turns up his nose as he rides past. Alan shrugs, then looks to the next rider – Charlie.

Alan: Sorry about all this, eh, darling?
Charlie: I should say you should be. You made quite a mess of things.
Alan: In another life, maybe we could –
Charlie: Well, not unless you lift your game. I hope next time you date a girl, you actually have some idea how to do it. Face it, you’re not very experienced at dating, are you? And a girl has to have SOME standards.
(she rides off)
Alan: (put out) Damn. I had a really cutting remark ready there.

Snubbed by everyone he passes, Alan sidles up to the remaining person he knows, John and tries once again to make conversation and appear not completely superfluous.

Alan: So, yes, it seems you have everything well in hand –
John: (cutting him off) EXCUSE ME please – I’m talking to my FRIEND (and he turns and puts his arm around Huw).

And as Alan is excluded for the fat SF geek, for once his ever-besmirked face cracks and falls. And on that, we cut to black and roll CREDITS. Grr Arg!


Hence the alternative title to this episode: “Everyone PWN3Z Alan”. And given that things were less hunty and less romanticy then I thought (was planning on using the unicorn hunt as a metaphor for budding romance, and its rage for the screaming fits which never happened), I’ve changed the title to simply “Fair”.

And kudos to my players for taking a tiny character I made up on the spur of the moment in 2.6 and bringing him to the forefront. Now he’ll get stats and everything! Tis the wonder of RPGs!

Oh, and thank the lord – I finally got Charlie showing off her abilities – her +4 Attractiveness, her riding skills and her powerful (but oft uncontrolled) TK. You know, we know what anger does to sorcerers…I wonder what it does to psychics…

[SteveD]

Sorry, that was me. And thanks for the offer Col - any and all help is most graciously accepted. I've been thinking about taping for a while, but I don't own a mike.

Also, preview for next episode! 2.11 Best Served Cold.

The polished tones of Aishwarya Rai (Charlie) do this voice over:

(over the logo) “Next week, on The Night Watch”

Cut to Pru, sipping tea and tilting her head reflectively.
“You tend to make a lot of enemies as a Watcher. (sip, smile) If you outlive them all - you win!”

Cut to Tom cutting some vamps down with his sword.
VO: In the last two years, our heroes have done a lot of good…

Cut to Charlie passing the twins around the quad. They are looking over their shoulder at Miranda and giggle maliciously. Miranda looks downcast.
VO: And made their share of mistakes.

Cut to John hulking out in a wintry forest (series one or new shot?)
VO: And done their share of damage on the way.

Cut to Miranda sinking sadly to the ground against her door. Cut to Charlie standing lonely by her suitcases. Cut to Eirion staring at the sunset on a cold, empty hill top. Cut to John staring intently at a TV screen.
VO: And there are always consequences.

Cut to Tom jumping up and yelling in protest. Cut to Pru looking stern. Cut to Quentin Travers with his arms crossed. Cut to Eirion’s eyes flashing black.
VO: And there is always revenge.

Cut to Eirion and John standing on a lonely hilltop. John has his shirt off. Eirion chambers a round in a VERY large rifle and works the loader. Without looking up he hefts it and says grimly. “Okay. Let’s do this.” And they walk down the hill, ala Witness.

Cut to night view of Magdalen Tower, run title “The Night Watch” across it.
VO: Next, on The Night Watch is “Best Served Cold”

Sudden cut to the tall figure of Lord Talon, wearing a dark cowl that hides most of his face (ala the Emperor). His musical tones are touched with a deep darkness. He talks like Vin Diesel in Pitch Black, only with a RSC accent.

Talon: You know, there’s a lot of hate in this room. (perfectly timed pause, then under the cowl a wide smile breaks out) I like that.

Sudden LOUD NOISE and VERY quick flashes of sword fighting, with one shot in there of somebody being stabbed right through with a huge sword, then back to blackness.

Sudden cut to Uncle Dennis (David Jason). He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
Dennis: Gordon Bennett, what a bloody shambles.

Blackout.

Caption: Thursdays, 9pm, on BBC2.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Great stuff.

I still would have decked Alan, though.

[SteveD]

At the end of last series, Scott (Eddie's player) mentioned that all my NPCs and villains were sympathetic, and they wanted instead somebody they could hate. I didn't know how to do that, but I set out to do what I could.

So the fact that Alan is pissing everybody off is a big A+ on my report card. It means I'm getting the job done. And that makes me feel very good.

Steve

[Craig Oxbrow]

A bit of proper loathing gets the blood up, doesn't it?

Wish I'd featured Victoria more in TWH...

[Doctor Oakenrod]

To quote my favourite eco-lovin', steak tartare servin' Michelin-starred outlet of foam-packed goodness:

"I'm lovin' it."

:D

[colbabe]

To quote my favourite eco-lovin', steak tartare servin' Michelin-starred outlet of foam-packed goodness
Whoa. Either I don't pay attention to enough modern media, or the cultural gap between Australia and Scotland is wider than I thought it was.

[Burgonet]

At the end of last series, Scott (Eddie's player) mentioned that all my NPCs and villains were sympathetic, and they wanted instead somebody they could hate. I didn't know how to do that, but I set out to do what I could.

So the fact that Alan is pissing everybody off is a big A+ on my report card. It means I'm getting the job done. And that makes me feel very good.

Steve

I did.

I felt very sorry for the King of Pain. He only wanted to save his daughter.
If he'd asked nicely, I could easily have seen Eddie soul searching, then trying to find a way whereby we could concoct a way to save his 'daughter'.

It seems that whomever the villain is for this season (I'm pretty damned Alan sure who the villain is, looking on with my talons from the outside of the game sessions by reading this board), they seem less sympathetic.

Personally, I do arsehole villains fairly well. But it can be a bit of work; you have to forget that you have friends at the gaming table and set about deliberately pissing off your players. In a good way, of course.

-From the Deck near the Beach, probably for the last Friday, Scott.

[SteveD]

"But it can be a bit of work; you have to forget that you have friends at the gaming table and set about deliberately pissing off your players"

I'm still having trouble with that, in general. I don't like the story to hurt them. But Alan being a dick I can do. And he's teaching me to be evil.

- always learning D

PS Last friday? :( :( :( Inspires my next thread...

[SteveD]

For fun and kayfabe shennanigans, come join the OMGWTFBBQ in Tang:

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?p=2618314#post2618314

[Burgonet]

PS Last friday? :( :( :( Inspires my next thread...

Yes, I'll be in Brissie next Friday, and Cairns the Friday after that.

Assuming I don't end up driving Prue and myself into my own novel.
Mind you, that would actually be an amazing experience, one that I'd relish.

But that's not even remotely likely. I write fiction both as allegory and escapism. Have to keep reminding myself that the coupling between the two is purely a human cultural arteface.

:)

[SteveD]

Next Friday - party at my house. Yes?

[colbabe]

Confused now. Scott, are you going to be in Brissie on Friday the 16th of July?

[Burgonet]

Yes, I'm going to be in town.

I have a friend's wedding on the Saturday (it's Ashley, if you remember him from my playing group from the old Haven series/Mekton II gaming days of 91 and 92); so probably busy that day.

Prue's flying in Friday night late, as she's at a conference (to which she is speaking and running a seminar on her thesis paper) on Wed - Fri.

But yes, I'll be around. But not much in a party mood for late Friday, as I've got an early start Saturday for the wedding.

I've been avoiding having a send off. Didn't you notice??

;)

[colbabe]

Well, Sarah Michelle Gellar didn't even go to the BtVS wrap party, so having you even for a brief moment at a TNW "cast party" will be welcome.

[Burgonet]

Well, Sarah Michelle Gellar didn't even go to the BtVS wrap party, so having you even for a brief moment at a TNW "cast party" will be welcome.

Which is ironic, as that leaving that particular show was probably the most notable end to her career.

;)

[dalziel_86]

I've been avoiding having a send off. Didn't you notice??
Yes. Yes I did. :)

[SteveD]

While I've got you all here:

Alan needs a theme song.

Huw needs an actor.

Ideas welcome.

[colbabe]

Dunno about a song. For some reason, I keep thinking of stupid ballads from Four Weddings and a Funeral and whatnot. The man has undeniable charm, it's true.

I reckon Huw could be played by Josh Herdman (aka Goyle from Harry Potter).

[thenewgirl]

What about the guy from Crossing Jordan? The tall weird looking one with black hair and that really bad hair cut!?

I always pictured him as some what awkward, skinny and gangly. With a kind of hungry look on his face. We should make him less one-dimensional, Charlie has treated him appallingly. I feel guilty!

Also, I think at least a mini-party is important for you Scott- don't weasel out of it! We can have less of a shin-dig or hoot-en-anny and more of a smelly cheese night if you prefer?
Or I could just get drunk again and you all could giggle at me!
;)

[SteveD]

Goyle was my first thought, too, but he's a bit young. I might make Huw less portly so as to expand actor choices.

And now....

Stock footage: Fiery meteors rain from the sky. Some large building becomes a raging inferno. For a second, we don’t know what the hell is going on. Then over it, a crisp newsreader voice finishes her sentence.

VO: …is no cause for alarm.

Freeze frame. The explosion becomes a graphic behind a woman sitting a news desk. The graphic then changes to an aerial shot of a crop circle. As she talks, this becomes full screen and becomes a moving helicopter shot. As it pans across fields, we see more crop circles. We also note that England is more snow-bound than usual.

VO: And in the News of the Weird this week, crop circles are once again appearing all over England. Despite the continuing frost and snowfall in some parts of the country, crop circle enthusiasts have been out and about recording these strange phenomena. (The image now shows people in anoraks with tape measures and cameras). Apparently, it is the largest appearance of these circles since 1992.

(image cuts to Glastonbury, centre of town. The Tor is visible over houses. The streets are full of bunting, stalls and people).

And this occurrence also coincides with another event on the supernatural calendar, as hundreds of people are flocking to Glastonbury for their annual celebrations of the ancient Celtic holiday of Imbolc. (the image shows people building bonfires) This fire ceremony was originally invented to hasten the end of winter and the coming of spring, and probably inspired the use of fireworks on New Years’ Eve. (the image shows people lighting bangers and laughing)

Although no stranger to occult festivities, the occasion only began to be officially celebrated in Glastonbury in 1992. This year is special, however, as Deputy PM John Prescott will be in attendance. (the image shows a big black government car pulling up and a smiling Prescott getting out and waving) A long-time fan of Celtic traditions, Prescott says he is attending in a private capacity, but will be speaking briefly at the lighting of the bonfires this evening. (cut to Prescott shaking hands with people in the pub. There is much joviality and slapping of backs and downing pints.)

(we cut back to the studio)

And now, in celebrity news: the British star of the moment, Alan Lourdes is back in England to promote his new film, a remake of Oh What A Lovely War. (the image cuts to Alan in sunglasses getting out of a limo in front of a club) He was seen this weekend enjoying the London nightlife with yet another new beau on his –

(the image freezes as the second person is getting out of the car. Then it rewinds. It’s on video – and we zoom out to confirm this. John and Eirion are watching, in the same studio they used to look at the security camera from St Johns (to see the Widdershins). John holds the remote. Eirion sits back a little. Throughout the scene, both of them seem very distracted, and deep in thought, particularly Eirion.)

John: (pressing play) Okay. Watch. (he moves it forward over the pub scene. Then he pauses and points) There. (Eirion leans in. A figure enjoying a pint on the edge of frame is very definitely Uncle Dennis.)

Eirion: Damn. You were right.

John: I knew it was him. It caught my eye and – (darkly) well, I’ll never forget that face.

Eirion: (much darker) Me neither.

John: God knows what he’s up to, with –

Eirion: Doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, we’ll stop it.

John: (nodding sagely) Of course.

Eirion: We’ll still need your nose…(finally taking his face from the screen and turning to John) When do you change?

John: Tonight is the first night.

Eirion: Right. Then we don’t have much time. (he bends down to pick something up)

John: You know, with all those people…it’s still not going to be easy.

Eirion: (rising with a shotgun, which he is casually pointing at the screen. Then he says with bitter irony:) Family’s always difficult, isn’t it?

(we look down the barrel of the gun. It’s aimed right at Uncle Dennis’s head. Extreme close up (to the pixellation level) of that face. The pixels distort it, making it look twisted, evil. There is a bang as we immediately cut to black – and then roll credits. Cue Pulp’s Common People, the familiar strains of which breaks the tension like a cricket ball through a window.)

[colbabe]

And when I read this first time, I thought, "Hey, surely we're not up to Angel Season 4 yet..." And then I thought, "Hey, it's Signs! We'll just not breathe, and leave glasses of flouridated water everywhere around the college to deal with those ugly aliens!"

...

:confused:

It's been a weird night. Too much Mel Gibson and Danny Glover on the teev, what with Channel 9 showing Chicken Run then Lethal Weapon, and when I switched over to Channel 7 to see Predator 2 on, my gf wisely told me to "get that shit off [her] screen". Oh dear, it's going to be a kooky game today.

[SteveD]

Excerpt from The Evil Fairy Diary:

Step 1. Crop circles!
Step 2. ????
Step 3. Conquer the world!

I got to reveal what the tower on Glastonbury Tor was really for last night. Interested? Stay tuned...

[Craig Oxbrow]

If it's the silo for a secret International Rescue rocket, I shall be rather surprised.

[Burgonet]

My guest role in this episode was akin to Marcel Marceau appearing in Mel Brook's Silent Movie.

:)

[SteveD]

2.11 Best Served Cold.

I don’t know. You tell your players they can do whatever they want, and this is the time for big, sweeping gestures and kick-starting long plot-arcs…and they BELIEVE you…

Dramatis Personae:

John Chetwynd-Talbot (Cary Elwes): High born Watcher-to-be who discovered his cousin Eddie, was really his half-brother, just after he was killed by a giant. Also, turns into a Choralisk demon at full moon.
Eirion Lewis (Paul McGann): Saved by the Council from his family cult, only to have them recontact him earlier this year and ask him to help in a ritual. It went wrong, a giant arrived and Eddie, his best friend, died.
Charlotte Brigsley (Aishwarya Rai): The new girl on campus is sick of being screwed over by the patriarchal Council, and sick of being dumped on by loser guys.
Tom Brooks (Eddie Kaye Thomas): This quiet American is perfectly cool with the fact that he’s now almost certainly inherited Excalibur, and uses it to whack baseballs on the common.

Major NPCs:
Prudence Pryce (Prunella Scales): Their mother-hen invigilator. Firm, but perhaps far too nice.
Alan Lourdes (Toby Stephens): The next Hugh Grant. Was dating Charlie, but dumped her for Miranda.
Miranda Watson (Charlotte Hatherley from Ash): Bookish, shy magically gifted girl who dumped Tom for the smooth tongue and large wallet of Alan.
Uncle Dennis (David Jason): Eirion’s long-lost uncle, head of an earth-magic cult and always looking for an angle, cos he’s a bit dodgy, guvnor.

TEASER: As above.

ACT ONE:
The hood of Susan (that’s Eddie’s car) slams shut and John and Eirion leap in and drive away. We follow them briefly down the High, then sweep back to Magdalen and through the arch to find Charlie lumbering her bags along the quad and up a Staircase, looking for her new room. She seems confused, and is justified in this when she opens the door to discover Eric Walker (Ben Miles) inside. A clerical error has occurred, it seems. But Eric seems nice enough about it, and it means Charlie’s room is now one floor above Tom and Eirion’s – and as she passes his door she finds Elizabeth about to knock. Elizabeth says Pru is looking for Charlie, and they make plans for a girly evening that night. But then Elizabeth makes plans with Tom for dinner – clearly these girls have the attention spans of gnats.

(OOC stuff regarding the twins:

TPO Charlie: This is Elizabeth?
Me: Yes.
TPOC: But it was Jessica who slept over after the video night?
Me: I know it was Jessica who went to the video night, but I’m not sure who went to Tom’s room after that.
Them: You don’t know?
Me: I can’t keep track of them!)

The girl night causes people to speculate on the sexual preferences of the twins. Which makes it particularly apt when Charlie says
Charlie: I’m just going down for a hotdog.
Elizabeth: Huh. Been THERE.

Charlie goes to the kitchen and cooks herself a hotdog. Miranda comes in, ignoring her, staring at her shoes. As she leaves, she passes Rebecca, who smirks at her. Charlie decides to take a hotdog up to her new roommate, or as her player put it:

“I’ll take the hotdog back up…and give Eric one.”

Eventually, Tom and Charlie arrive in the library. Pru is fretting and flapping: she’s just got last-minute advance warning of a surprise inspection. The Watchers are coming out, a phrase Tom enjoys immensely, to inspect the quality of the students and also the security risks regarding this fair folk incursion. Pru is well aware that with elves and conferences, things are a bit out of whack and now John and Eirion are nowhere to be found. She calls them.

Cut to John and Eirion in the car. Eirion is driving. John’s phone rings and John sees who is calling. The boys do rock, paper, scissors to see who will pick up. Finally, John’s honourable nature kicks in and he picks up. Pru wants to know where they are.

John: We’re uh, following up a lead.
Pru: Are you still in Oxford?
John: (watching the “You are now leaving Oxford sign whip past”) Yeeees…
Pru: Well, can you come back quickly?
John: (as they merge onto the M4) Oh, absolutely. We’ll be back…soon as we can.
Pru: But when? It’s terribly important you –
(and Eirion hangs John up, and throws the phone in the back)

Pru: (staring at her phone) Damn contraptions. They broke up.
Tom: (very confused) They broke up? They were dating?

Meanwhile, Pru realises it’s that time of the month again.
Pru: I hope John’s taking precautions!
John: (throwing some condoms out of the car) Won’t be needing those…

Pru is equally fretting about Eirion – he’s such a rebellious lad.

Pru: That tearaway Eirion…he never tells me where he’s going…

Eirion: We can’t tell them where we’re going. They’d just try to stop us.
John: True.

Pru: He’s always off magicking something up without my permission! It’s a bad business!
Charlie: I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be bad.

Eirion: We mean to be bad.
John: Are you sure about this?
Eirion: Yes. Are you?
John: Yes.

They talk about what Dennis told Eirion about the Watcher raid.

Eirion: I’ve looked it up – the Council records contradict each other.
John: So what really happened?
Eirion: I don’t know. I just know they did lie to me.

They discuss their plans.

John: You tried a locator spell? It didn’t work?
Eirion: I tried everything in the library.
John: Everything?
Eirion: Everything.
John: Even the stuff in the locked section?
Eirion: Even the stuff in the locked section.
John: (pause, then thoughtful) What’s IN the locked section?
Eirion: You can have a look if you like. I’ve got half of it in the boot.

Pru: (walking out of the stacks, stressed out) Has anyone been poking around the locked section?

Pru decides that looks are going to be important.
Pru: Tom, go and put on a suit. Charlie, go and put on a nice skirt.
Charlie: But I’m in very presentable trousers!
Pru: I know, but these are Watchers – very traditional.
Charlie: (huffy) I’m trying to be judged for my abilities, not for my gen…I’ll go put on a skirt.

While running off to change, Charlie passes Miranda in the courtyard. The twins pass her, and start gossiping. Miranda sags. Charlie remembers Pru saying something about Mir missing classes. Charlie grabs her and pulls her into a cloister. She asks her what’s wrong. Mir explains she feels guilty, and Alan, meanwhile, hasn’t called in a week. Charlie explains that Alan is one of those guys who just wants to conquer territory then move on – an asshole. Mir is depressed. She asks if Tom is okay. Charlie says he’s fine. Mir is more depressed. She’s also being excluded by her classmates.

Mir: Now everyone in the college thinks I’m a slut.
Charlie: Why, because you slept with two guys in one year? My God, dear, you’re the Whore of Babylon.

She invites Mir to the girl’s night that night to cheer her up, then goes back and tells Pru they should be nice to Mir because she’s feeling down. And you know – magic user getting sad or angry = bad news. Pru agrees, but for now they’ll keep that under their hats because the Watchers are here.

In walk Quentin Travers (from Buffy) and Lord Jusitce Montgomery Danville (Paul Schofield). Danville is, for those who’ve forgotten, Master of the Prentices, the man in charge of whether they pass or not. Last time he was in Oxford, he was sleeping with the dead (literally) and needed the boys to help him get rid of the corpse. Eirion and Eddie didn’t do this, and instead called the cops and the media. Danville has spent the last year fighting charges of lewd conduct and sexual assault. He stands behind Travers, saying little, but his eyes are very cold.

Travers greets Tom and asks about the sword.
Travers: Safely squared away?
Tom: Yes sir.
Travers: Good. But we need to have a look at it. No doubt you can obtain it easily?
Tom: Yes sir.
Travers: Good. Dismissed.
Tom runs out, and goes to the kitchen for a snack. To himself: “Wow, thank goodness they didn’t ask me to get it…”

COMMERCIAL! It’s a man’s life in today’s Watchers’ Council…

[SteveD]

DAMMIT! I finally take the trouble to get the write-up done in advance and now the formatting fucks me over.

*cries*

Is it readable, or do you want me to edit?

[SteveD]

While they wait for Tom, they put Charlie through her paces, making sure she’s caught up. Danville gives her three references to find as quickly as possible. She fails miserably, partly because half the books are gone. Danville tuts and marks her down. Charlie says its not her fault if the books aren’t there. Danville responds that resource management is an important skill of a Watcher…and your Invigilator should keep a better eye on things. Pru cowers. Charlie speaks her mind about Danville’s methods. Danville tuts even more. Pru is making the “death death” sign over his shoulder, but Charlie barrels on, demanding actual help in their battle, and sick and tired of not being told anything. Danville makes notes. Finally, Danville and Travers excuse themselves to go and examine the shield.

Charlie storms off. Pru follows her and demands to know what the hell she thinks she is doing. Her tenure can be taken away at any time, and Charlie can be easily kicked out. Charlie says she didn’t know who Danville was because nobody told her. Pru apologises, once again feeling the sting of her poor teaching.

Meanwhile, Tom has encountered Rebecca. Last time she asked him to the dance he knocked her back, but she is not to be denied.

Rebecca: So I was thinking – now that you’ve seen the light about the nerdy little dyke, perhaps you’d like to go to the dance with me?
Tom: Er, no, I’m seeing, um…Jessica.
Rebecca: Oh, the little blonde tart? (sighs) You have no taste, you do know that right? (and she sashays off)

Next, Tom goes to get his sword (hidden very well in the study hall – where nobody ever comes) to make sure the Watchers don’t get it and finds it missing. He panics, and runs to the chapel where they found it – not there. He crosses the quad again and runs into Pru and Charlie. He explains the problem. Pru panics. Charlie calms everyone down by explaining she took it.

Tom: Why did you do that?
Pru: Yes! Mr Travers needs to see it!
Charlie: He wants to take it away!
Tom: I know! That’s why *I* want it!

Charlie assures Tom it is safe. Tom keeps asking for hints. As they sit and wonder what’s going to happen, Danville and Travers approach, say they can’t wait any longer and are retiring for dinner. They will be back in the morning – expecting to see a sword.

Meanwhile, John and Eirion have parked their car and walked into the centre of Glastonbury. They stop in for a pint at the pub where they saw Uncle Dennis – the Hedgehog – but see him nowhere. Until, that is, he slaps them both on the back, buys them drinks and introduces them to his lovely wife Leslie (Mrs Weasley in the Harry Potter films). Leslie is so happy to meet the prodigal son, and invites him to come to the cottage any time. They both express regret at what happened the last time they met – they would have sent flowers but they didn’t want to intrude. It was a terrible accident, and they hope it hasn’t prejudiced Eirion against his birthright. Eirion is, not surprisingly, a bit taken aback by this.

John is also angry, and his knuckles start to get hairy. He gets even tenser when Dennis enquires if Eirion is still seeing “that bindi bint”. As he gets more and more sickened by Dennis’ “sorry bout that” attitude, Eirion has to get a grip on him. Not now – they need to find out what he’s up to. Eirion drags him outside…and as soon as he sees the moon he loses it. Pity, as he’s in the centre of town, surrounded by party-goers. But they’re celtic party-goers, so John tries to blend as he runs to the edge of town – he tears off his clothes and keeps screaming about being skyclad for the spirits of imbolc! Some people cheer him as he goes. Eirion follows patiently, collecting his clothes.

By the time John hits the woods around town, he’s his demonic form – a huge, loping muscular beast. He runs galloping up the Tor as if drawn by a powerful force. Slowly, Eirion follows. He places a backpack nearby with clothes in it, and brings out his rifle. He walks into the tower – John’s not there. He looks up, to see him wedged above him, growling, whining, tense. He drops down into a crouch, ala The Hulk. Something is agitating him, more than just the transformation. From John’s perspective, we hear it – a screaming noise, on the edge of hearing, coming from the Tor. Oblivious, Eirion simply raises his rifle, says sorry and shoots John in the flank. He runs for a while, then falls. Eirion looks at him and nods bitterly. Then he re-loads the rifle, shoulders it and walks back to town…

COMMERCIAL: Next on BBC1: Parky and Graham Norton fight bare-knuckled and bare-assed in jelly for the title of Best Interviewer!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Seems readable here.

Love the crosscutting chat.

And, well:

John: (pause, then thoughtful) What’s IN the locked section?
Eirion: You can have a look if you like. I’ve got half of it in the boot.

:D

And my lot complain when one or two books go missing...

[SteveD]

ACT THREE:

Tom, Miranda and Pru sit in the library trying to work out what to do. Charlie and Tom are adamant that they not give the sword to the Council, as it will leave them defenceless – not that they can injure anyone now anyway (which is why Charlie hid it). Pru is falling apart at the idea of defying the Council.

Pru: But…the Coucil…my calling…Travers…Oh GOD I need a cup of tea! (falls into chair)

Tom keeps trying to guess where it is. He’s pretty sure it’s under Charlie’s bed, but she’s keeping mum. Eventually, Tom leaves and goes on his date with Jessica, or maybe Elizabeth (I’ve forgotten now which one it was, but Tom was sure it was Elizabeth. Or maybe Jessica.)

Charlie keeps working on Pru, trying to convince her that they can’t give the sword away. Pru sees her points, but she points out that the Watchers will actually know what to do with it, and from then on, the elves will go elsewhere, seeking the sword. Charlie isn’t convinced on either point. Pru points out that if they don’t hand it over, the Watchers will just expel her students and take the sword. Pru is still falling apart, and needs LOTS of tea…and eventually beer to calm her down. Over beer, though, Charlie has an idea at a solution to the impasse.

Charlie: I’m having an idea! We need to find Miranda!
Pru: (sarcastically) Oh yes, THAT’S a perfectly good inclusion to all this chaos.
But she’s right – the uncontrolled spell-caster might be just what they need – to make a REPLICA of the sword, good enough to fool the Watchers.

Charlie: Is that possible, with magic?
Pru: Certainly, I’m sure there’s some sort of…what am I saying?

Charlie goes for the hilt, telling Pru that she shouldn’t feel the need to obey the Watchers because they are a bunch of bad eggs. In fact, she says, it’s about time they started their own group. Something full of women. As she pointed out to Danville earlier, and says here again, all the slayers are women and the Council doesn’t know how to treat them. Not modern women. Evidence? The current two slayers both went rogue. Frankly, the society needs a woman’s touch, or a new society. One the Slayer might want to join.

Charlie: Think about it. Wouldn’t you like to start a new council? One made up of sane people, and women? Wait, that didn’t come out right….
(Ade: Dude! You just pwned yourself!)

Pru can’t handle this sedition, and descends into some kind of tut-tutting stupor over her beer, so Charlie goes to find Miranda herself.

Meanwhile, Tom is having dinner at the Goose, a rather nice pub near Gloucester Green. It’s made less nice by the fact that Danville and Travers are sharing notes four tables away, but he hides behind the menu successfully, although this confuses his date (whomever she is).

Back at college, Charlie has found Miranda and told her the plan. Miranda isn’t keen, until Charlie suggests using it to play a trick on Alan. They can make two replica swords, give one to the council and then shatter the other one in front of Alan. Miranda likes that because he seems to pay more attention to swords than her, so it would make him notice her a lot if it was destroyed – and teach him to pay more attention to her.

Miranda says the spell will be easier if they had the sword – not Charlie’s favourite idea – or a picture of it. Charlie suddenly remembers the picture they found in the book, which she hid in the library four episodes ago. She runs off to get it. See? A tiny plot hook by me, a small action by a player and YET IT ALL COMES TOGETHER like Jenny Calendar’s disk. Only WE didn’t plan it. We’re even cleverer than that.

They scurry off to Miranda’s room. As Mir prepares the spell to enchant two broomsticks with a glamour, Charlie puts two socks on the door (TWO socks? Is that a three way or a four way? we wondered. We decided two socks is a four way, and one and a half is a ménage-a-troi, and half a sock is “Don’t open the door! Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!”)… she shuts the door, locks it and rams a chair up against. A few seconds later, there’s a knock, and Miranda glibly opens the door, much to Charlie’s annoyance. There stands Huw (Press Gang’s Paul Reynolds) looking for Charlie.

Mir: (looking behind door at Charlie shaking her head) She’s….not here right now.
Huw: Oh, well, I was…do you think…you could maybe…I mean, when are you expecting me back? HER back. When are you expecting it?
(meanwhile Charlie is writing furiously)
Mir: (brightly) Um, she left you (sticks hand behind door, grabs note from Charlie, pulls hand back) this note!

And Huw goes off pleased, with dinner plans for tomorrow. The girls settle back to the spell, form a magic circle, sprinkle crystal dust onto a mirror and begin to chant. Soon power crackles between them, and the air sparkles and wafts. With a flash of the eyes, a burst of colour and light bursts from the illustration, forms into a trail of blinding, rippling gold, arcs to the ceiling, then shoots down at the two sticks in the centre of the circle. When their vision clears, two perfect replicas of Tom’s sword lie there instead.

And speaking of magic: still on that same night, Eirion walks down into town and up to the bonfire site for Imbolc, but finds no sign of Uncle Dennis. Then, finally, he hears it – a buzzing, like static feedback, in his head, in his blood. And then comes the first small shudder, like a tiny earthquake. He retraces his steps and figures out it’s coming from the Tor end of town. Another shudder happens, and storm clouds seem to be gathering. He walks back and starts to climb again (this time he doesn’t drive up) – and the force gets stronger. The buzzing is getting louder, more annoying, more derailing of thought, like an itch in the brain that you can’t scratch. The clouds get blacker. Sleet begins to fall. The earth shudders again. Eirion stands in the tower, waiting, watching. Thunder rolls. Lightning crackles. The air is electric.

Further down the hill, John’s demonic form trembles at the sleet splatters on hima and at the pulses of pure magic wash over him, and his mind wakes up. The magic is antithetical to him, it burns his demonic nature and forces him to react – even if his body has been tranqed. With a titanic effort, he pulls himself up, and swats the dart from his forelock. He looks around in time to see Eirion standing in the tower, and dark clouds boiling and churning overhead. He runs, his mighty sinews bursting with the effort.

Eirion looks up, and feels as much as sees the vortex in the clouds, feeling it link to the shaking of the earth beneath him. He manages a “oh shi…” before the sky cracks open and a gigantic lightning bolt surges out of the sky at the same time as the earth heaves from below. But in a bolt of black fur and spines, John leaps through the archway, snatches Eirion and rolls down the hill – just in time. The tower almost leaps up from the ground to meet the bolt and it shatters at the impact. 1200 year old mortar shatters like glass and huge ancient stones rain down onto the earth. Great furrows in the soil zigzag down the hill – and with a sound like a million people saying ZING a white wave of magic zips out from the hill and out over the town. John bellows in pain, desperately holding Eirion beneath him, trying to shield him from the effects.

COMMERCIAL! Marmite! Most people hate it. What’s wrong with you, you sick fuck?

[Craig Oxbrow]

Charlie goes for the hilt, telling Pru that she shouldn’t feel the need to obey the Watchers because they are a bunch of bad eggs. In fact, she says, it’s about time they started their own group. Something full of women. As she pointed out to Danville earlier, and says here again, all the slayers are women and the Council doesn’t know how to treat them. Not modern women. Evidence? The current two slayers both went rogue. Frankly, the society needs a woman’s touch, or a new society. One the Slayer might want to join.

Charlie: Think about it. Wouldn’t you like to start a new council? One made up of sane people, and women? Wait, that didn’t come out right….
(Ade: Dude! You just pwned yourself!)
Shocking behaviour!

Of course, the group in Cambridge would agree with her, but still... :D

[SteveD]

I do like it when my PCs decide to fight the largest, oldest and most powerful secret society in the world, armed only with a spoon and both hands tied behind their backs. :)

[colbabe]

...to find Charlie lumbering her bags along the quad and up a Staircase, looking for her new room. She seems confused, and is justified in this when she opens the door to discover Eric Walker (Ben Miles) inside. A clerical error has occurred, it seems.
I love it when androgynous names and bureaucratic stupidity lead to comedic hijinks. I look forward to more of this.
“I’ll take the hotdog back up…and give Eric one.”
Which certainly seemed like a highly naughty thing to say at the time. Or maybe it was the way that Helga said it. Priceless.
Pru: I hope John’s taking precautions!
John: (throwing some condoms out of the car) Won’t be needing those…
Sorry folks, that one just slipped out. I was thinking about John and Fay's failed relationship at the time.

[SteveD]

Thing is, Eric's not that interesting a character. He could be, but...

So I was thinking...Charlie complains about the room she's been put in. So the porter's go, ah, okay, we'll sort it out. Obviously, this Charlie wants a room with a bath...and they move her into John's room.

Now THAT would be hijinks. :)

Meanwhile - the stunning conclusion which I KNOW you're all desperately awaiting will be posted tomorrow.

Steve

[SteveD]

ACT FOUR:
John comes to – to discover his demonic appearance stripped – burned – off him, and back in his human form. Eirion slowly wakes up too – to discover his vision is gone, he sees nothing but blurs. John asks him if he’s okay.

Eirion: It’s all blurry…but you’re naked, aren’t you?

John looks down and realises he is. Sheepishly he climbs the hill to try and find the clothes Eirion left out for him. All he finds is a pair of pants…burned off at the knee so they resemble the Hulk’s pants. He gets dressed and the two climb the hill to inspect the damage. The entire tower is destroyed, and what was left of its foundations have been completely ripped from the soil. The holes left are quite deep – and they can both feel the magic pouring out. They dig down for a bit, but find nothing that their hands can reach. Then they hear the sirens from the town, so they turn and descend, looking for answers.

Police cars fill the street. People are panicking. There is the sound of breaking glass. It doesn’t take long for them to realise why: NOBODY CAN SEE. The entire town of a few thousand people – all blind. Cars have crashed into lampposts, people run screaming up the street or fall over in the gutter. Some types wail of persecution by God for their pagan rites. Others gibber of doomsday or the apocalypse. The boys stand helpless for a while, agape at the scale of horror and danger. Then they see something – a man moving very determinedly through the crowd, clearly able to see. It’s Uncle Dennis.

The boys move into the shadows, needing to know what’s going on. They follow him back the way they came, all the way back up to the Tor. Dennis kneels at the hole in the ground, running the dirt through his fingers. He seems very worried, muttering to himself about how it’s all gone pear-shaped now. Suddenly, his head whips around, sensing something unseen. He stares down the hill, directly at John and Eirion. Thinking quickly, John goes “Is this my house?” and falls over, tripping Eirion as well. (“Waaah!”). Dennis turns back, their cover maintained. Then he heads back to town, and is just winding his way into it when Eirion roars up behind him in Susan and bounces him off the hood.

John: (getting out of the car, angry) So sorry. Didn’t SEE you there. Get it? SEE YOU?

“See?” says Charlie, lifting the replica sword – “it’s perfect.” Then she scurries off to hide them. They put one sword under Miranda’s bed, and the other under John’s bed. Then she goes to Tom’s room and writes him a note telling him to talk to Miranda…and to check his dirty laundry under his bed. Tom is coming back from his date as she leaves his room, and the penny drops. The sword isn’t under HER bed, it’s under HIS bed. Where he’d never ever think to look. Charlie fills Tom in on some of her plan, and Tom says he’s had an idea of his own…

Next, Charlie runs off and calls her Aunt Constance (Maggie Smith) for moral support. She says she’ll be there in an hour. She hangs up.

Dennis lies in the road with a broken leg, cursing a blue streak and demanding to know what’s going on. John tussles with him, yanking off his toupe in the process. He slams it back on his head, poorly and gets even madder. He tells them they’re stupid crazy buggers and he’ll do them one. Enraged, John grabs the man and drags him into a nearby doorway, away from the crowds.

Swearing some more, Dennis puts his hands on his knee and heals himself – and about the same time, Eirion’s vision clears. And the confrontation begins.

Dennis understands them bearing a grudge. He admits to lying, because they had to do that ritual right away, before the giant went crazy. But the giant went crazy, and somebody died. It happens. Look, he says, you think this is a kiddy game? Or something safe? Not. This is a big boy’s game. You meddle with the occult, you gotta be prepared for some blood to be spilt. It always is. You just gotta make sure it’s not your own.

They’re not impressed, and John squeezes Dennis’ knee and demands to know what’s going on in town. Dennis smiles, finding his bargaining chip and realising they think he did it. Chortling, he explains he’s on their side. The tower in the Tor has been, for the last hundred years, a lynch pin. A giant iron and stone rod stuck into the hill to KEEP IT CLOSED. Whatever’s in there just shook it out – which means what is in there is coming out. Which probably means the fair folk are coming back, and the green man and the giant under the snow, and the end of the world. He’d sensed something coming so was here to check it out (and was sitting in a protective ward when the explosion happened) but even he didn’t think it would be this bad. It’s all over red rover – and he’s the only one who can tell them how to stop it.

Can he reverse the blindness? Course he can – simple spell, yeah. Bit of a chant, bit of blood, bit of a snake eating its own tail, bob’s your auntie’s live-in lover, you got a reversal spell. Course, you need someone of his level of power to cast it, see – if you wanna get the whole town. John runs off to find a snake skin at a freaky hippy store. Eirion releases his grip on his uncle. His face seems to acquiesce. He asks Dennis if he will teach him. Dennis agrees – and guesses rightly that the Council are still not letting him learn. He apologises again for Eddie’s death, but promises to make it up to him, because he’s blood and he’ll always be welcome. Eirion’s desire to learn is visible on his face, and when John comes back, Eirion sends him away. Dennis nods, saying that yeah, John’s got no power, this is Lewis business. John nods, and goes back to the car. Eirion’s face is unreadable.

(Somewhere around here, Dennis made a bad pun about John’s demon blood. John looked at him witheringly and said “You know, wit doesn’t suit you, Dennis. You should give it up.”)

Back at Oxford, Aunt Constance has driven up in her old open top car and taken Charlie into the kitchen for a very late night conference. She explains to Charlie that her plans are somewhat unfeasible, but she likes her spunk and her ideas. She’ll do what she can to support her, and can certainly help by throwing her support in Charlie’s corner and stopping the Council from sending her down (that means kicking her out) – which appears very likely now. She also says she will talk to Pru and convince her to follow the fake sword plan, which seems a good one.

Back in Glastonbury, Eirion and Uncle Dennis walk out of town again. They go up the track towards the Tor and find a dirt patch in the woods near it – but not too close, lest their be a power overload. Dennis draws a circle in the dirt, cuts his hand, drips some blood on the snakeskin and starts the ritual. Eirion stands opposite him, concentrating and following his lead. Dennis throws his hands up and calls to the earth spirits to give him their power, so that he might turn back what was done and set right what was wronged. Power crackles across the circle. Eirion stares at his Uncle, learning. Power surges up from the soil, the trees, the hill, into the sorcerer, filling him with magical essence on a huge magnitude, ready to cast the spell.

And then in one sudden move, Eirion pulls Eddie’s cavalry sabre from his belt, and stabs Uncle Dennis in the heart.

Dennis doesn’t fall, the magic keeping him alive. He manages to stutter something:

Dennis: Gah…Eirion! My own flesh and blood! No!
Eirion: (deathly tones) He was my friend. And I don’t have a lot of them.

Then Eirion begins to suck the magic out of his Uncle, into himself. Lightning and flame course down the sword, surging into Eirion, bubbling out of Dennis’ body, making him froth and burn. When Eirion has it all, what’s left of Dennis is no longer human, just a charred black corpse that collapses to the ground. Eirion’s eyes go dark black.

He sheathes the sword. Then, with a wave of his hand, the townsfolk get their eyesight back. The screaming stops. The military vehicles attend to the injured. There were no fatalities. Next, Eirion turns to the Tor, and with another wave of his hand (plus a DP and a massive roll, our highest ever), turns back that, too – the tower bricks and mortal leaping into the air and rebuilding themselves (somewhat akin to what Magento did with the fake Cerebro in X2), and then the whole thing slamming back into the ground and the earth closing around it again.

Smiling quietly, his hands and eyes still crackling with magic, Eirion walks back to the car park.

[SteveD]

EPILOGUE:

It is the next morning. In the Magdalen library, Tom hands over the fake sword to Quentin Travers, in the sheath he was given for last Christmas. Travers and Danville nod, knowingly, approving that Tom has come round promptly – although not promptly enough to avoid a scolding. Charlie gets the brunt of the looks, but in general the speech is directed at all of them. Lax grades, insufficient study, pathetic discipline, and a whole general attitude of disrespect, particularly from SOME members of the group. And such attitude problems must be cut out before they can fester, especially in such growing minds.

Danville and Travers wonder if they should tell them. They hum and har, and then decide they will. It’s not official quite yet, but their decision is final. Prudence Pryce is dismissed from her duties as Invigilator of the Prentices, indefinitely.

Prudence falls into her chair. The Watchers assure the students that a more suitable teacher will be provided next week. Someone to clean out the cobwebs and the dead wood. A real ball-breaker, is the phrase Danville uses, his face twisted into a sickly, smug smile, the look of one who is tasting sweet, cold revenge.

They leave. Pru is still speechless, completely in shock. Charlie looks at Tom and says that at least they got to keep the sword. And Tom nods. She asks him if he hid it. He nods again – “It’s done.”

And we cut back to Eirion and John driving through the dawn back to Oxford. Eirion rubs his eyes and stretches, then turns to John.

Eirion: It’s done. I did it.
John: Done?
Eirion: Yeah. I finished it.
John: And buried?
Eirion: hmmm…gotten rid off. He’ll never be found.
John: (smiling and looking wistfully at a photo of the four boys at last Christmas taped to the dash) He’ll be happy, I think.
Eirion: (also smiling) Yeah.
John: By the way, I’m sorry about what I said to you at Tom’s house – about you killing Eddie.
Eirion: It’s okay. You were eleven at the time.
John: Yeah.
Eirion: (pause, then thoughtful) We’re all grown up now…

And they drive off towards the horizon of rolling snow-flecked hills, glistening in the sun. We drift back to the library in time to hear Charlie ask Tom:

Charlie: So where DID you hide it?
Tom: Somewhere where no-one will ever be able to get it – except me.

And we swoop away again, away from Oxford, out into the Cotswolds, into the forest, up a hillside, into a small cave, barely big enough to stand up in, and there, buried almost to the hilt, is the sword – in a stone. Hold that image. Fade out. Slow, sombre music plays over the credits.

[colbabe]

Obviously, this Charlie wants a room with a bath...and they move her into John's room.

Now THAT would be hijinks. :)
:eek: Egads!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Smiling quietly, his hands and eyes still crackling with magic, Eirion walks back to the car park.
Uh-oh.

Prudence Pryce is dismissed from her duties as Invigilator of the Prentices, indefinitely.
Uh-oh.

:eek:

[SteveD]

One reply?

I shake the TNW universe to its core and I get one reply?

[happyelf]

dun dun DUN!

(sorry, it's all I could think to say)

[Elemental]

These updates always make my day. Thanks.

Oh, and :eek: . Grim times indeed....

[FromTheGrave]

Don't make me come back from the Dead to lecture you on the error of your ways, boys!

[thePill]

Wow. Eirion went all Dark Willow-y. City of the blind. And dead Uncle Dennis. And is that the real Excalibur in the cave?

[dalziel_86]

And is that the real Excalibur in the cave?
So far as we know...

[colbabe]

The big implication is this: with Excalibur out of the picture, Tom is no longer the heavy-hitter in the group.

Which leaves it up to Darth Eirion...

[From the Grave]

William Shatner covers Common People.

You must play this at your next session.

Eddie's dead but restless spirit of Camp DEMANDS it!

:)

[SteveD]

Excalibur's gone, but not forgotten. Tom can get it OUT of the stone if he wants it.

It'll just take an hour to drive and walk to the cave, and then an hour back...

[colbabe]

Ah. Most convenient in the middle of a pitched battle for which we haven't prepared.

[Lee Casebolt]

One reply?

I shake the TNW universe to its core and I get one reply?


Jeez, give a guy a little while to stop thinking "well.... DAMN!" to himself and type, willya?

[SteveD]

If you're speechless, you shout POST that you're speechless.

Wait...

[I am Speechless]

...

Feeling better?

:)

[Burgonet]

It's 4am, I've just had breakfast.

And no Nightwatch!

I'm going to have to write a stern letter to the editor UNLESS! I get to read the next episode soon.
Don't make me enlist the help of MATLOCK!

;)

(When are you lot playing next?)

[SteveD]

This Sunday. Or maybe Saturday.

And I have no plot to speak of! :eek:

[Burgonet]

This Sunday. Or maybe Saturday.

And I have no plot to speak of! :eek:

Oh.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Oh.
Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah, she was takin' me over
And oh yeah, it was the start of the summer...

[SteveD]

Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah, she was takin' me over
And oh yeah, it was the start of the summer...

It's okay, I got a plot coming along now. No need for karaoke!

Email coming to ya Scott, in a bit.

Steve

[Burgonet]

It's okay, I got a plot coming along now. No need for karaoke!

Email coming to ya Scott, in a bit.

Steve

Understood.

[SteveD]

2.12 One Last Chance

We open on Magdalen tower, thrusting up against a grey sky. It’s STILL snowing – most unusual for England – VERY unusual for Oxford. And we swoop in through the window. Pru is giving a lecture to her four students.

"…and that’s the REAL reason we won the second world war"

Everyone reacts. Pru calmly closes her text and sits down. She announces that the Council graciously let her work up to the end of Hilary term, but their replacement will be arriving for Trinity. She, Charlie and John talk about getting Mr Giles on side, but Pru is more interested in her charges’ welfare. She doesn’t want her dismissal to reflect badly on them – which is why it was so bad John and Eirion were absent for the inspection. Pru asks what they were up to; John explains that he somehow heard about the inspection and wanted to safely sequester himself a long way from Oxford for his change.

Charlie gets some tea for everyone and Pru drinks it down angrily. Charlie says she doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong. John says they didn’t follow procedure.

Charlie: Is this the same procedure that makes it okay to sleep with dead girls?
John: (in perfect BBC voice) Ah. Pwned.

John tries to talk to Charlie – beginning by apologising formally, for some reason, then going on to discussing Fay. Charlie and John argue. Charlie accuses John of not being her friend because he didn’t tell her where she went. Charlie runs off. John says he wants to complain to the council. Pru suggests he write a letter (so John immediately starts writing one on Eddie’s laptop)…but it’s a shame Eddie isn’t here, because his family had such influence. There’s an Eddie moment between them. John stops typing. Pru says she blames herself. John says quickly, under his breath: "It’s been handled."

Meanwhile, Eirion has been shuffling around the library trying to locate a sound it seems only he can hear – sort of a sing-song wail that seems terribly familiar. He walks back into the stacks. Curious at his strange posture, Tom follows. Around a corner, they see some books levitating, switching shelves. The singing gets louder. The books fall to the ground, and seem to lead around the corner. Ghostbusters is quoted.

Outside, Charlie has run into the porter, who informs her they have a visitor: Sir Charles Hunton-Smythe, Eddie’s father. Charlie greets him and uses her TK (unobtrusively) to get him up the stairs without his wheelchair. He’s looking quite ill, and he can’t stop coughing. He’s also embarrassed by having one of the weaker sex help him like this.

John hears the boys yelp in the stacks and charges off to see what they’re looking at. He turns the corner and stops. On the opposite wall, between two windows, about 30 books have been imbedded into the wood. They spell out a word:

L O S T

Far behind them, Charlie pushes open the door and politely calls out "Uh, boys? We have a visitor!"
John: (staring at the books) Indeed we do….

CREDITS!

Which now include Fay dropping her glamour (oo-er) and Charlie and Miranda casting the spell to duplicate the sword. Also Tom hiding a twin under his blankets, John dropping down in beast form inside Glastonbury Tower and Eirion shouldering the rifle.

[SteveD]

ACT ONE:

Shelley tells them he caught a glimpse of the ghost – pretty girl, red hair. But he can say no more. Charlie asks what’s going on.

Eirion: We’ve got two ghosts in the library…because one just wasn’t enough!

Seeing no immediate solution, they come back out of the stacks and greet their visitor. Sir Charles has three reasons for this visit.

Firstly, he explains that the signs and portents are clear – the fair folk are coming back and the Council is preparing for at least a minor apocalypse. They are decidedly unhappy about the fact that this apocalypse seems to involve these four simple students – four unruly, unpredictable and undisciplined students. Thankfully, they’ve got the sword from them now, but the Council is trying to decide if they should include them or not in their plans to save the world. Basically, they have one last chance. If, when the new invigilator arrives, they quickly prove first-class and turn their reputation around, then they will probably let them in on their plans.

If they pull away from the Council however – such as Charlie’s ridiculous little revolution which he’s heard of – the Council will simply turn their back on them. They cannot have an X factor in their plans. They’ll probably also send them down or keep them back a year as well.

His final message is that they shouldn’t pull away from the Council because although it has its flaws, it is very old and very powerful. That’s not a threat, it is an opportunity. They haven’t seen the Watchers at their best of late, but they are the only group with the knowledge and capacity to stop the demons. Toe the line and that power is theirs to command. Learn the rules, and then they can break them. Go rogue, and they’ll quickly find themselves in a harsh, lonely world. It is an ivory tower in the Watch, yes. But that tower is a guard tower, and you can see a lot further from it than you can on the ground.

During all this, Charlie protests about her behaviour being unsatisfactory. John mentions again the procedure. Sir Charles mentions the handbook of Watcher procedure.

Charlie: If someone just SHOWED me this handbook –
*THUMP* Sir Charles dumps a copy in front of her.

Next, Sir Charles discusses the fairie situation with John. I think the boys are trying to shift the lecture away from them onto John, who apologises for fraternising with the enemy. Sir Charles tuts, and asks if there were any clues.

John: Well, a few. Animals were spooked by her presence, she knew something about redcaps when she shouldn’t have…
Charlie: She never took her gloves off
Tom: Plus her name was FAY.

Sir Charles asks if there was any, you know, FRATERNISATION. John says yes. Sir Charles looks worried. Again, John protests.

John: I had no way of knowing!
Tom: Except her name was Fay.
John: Yes, thank you Tom. Did you work out two years ago that I was a toilet demon?
Tom: What?
John: You know, ‘John’.

Charlie is fidgeting in her seat with barely contained outrage about all this stuff. She doesn’t think the Watchers can help at all, even if they did cleave to them. She begins:

Charlie: Sir, I don’t mean any disrespect –
(and Tom laughs at this lie)

Sir Charles assures her that the Council is far more than she imagines. She points out that two Slayers have gone rogue. Sir Charles dismisses it as an aberration, not necessarily a need for tradition to change. Charlie returns effortlessly by asking him what would be the point of a Watchers Council without a Slayer to Watch, then goes off to make more angry tea. John turns back to Sir Charles and remarks that making tea is really all she’s good for (sarcastically, but she hears him and doesn’t know he’s being sarcastic).

Sir Charles declines a cup and decides to take his leave, needing to visit the Master – but he says he will return later in the day because he needs to talk to John and Eirion separately. As he leaves, Eirion hears the sad song in his head again. Charlie, warming to the gent despite his out-dated morality, helps him to the Master’s office. After they’re gone, John and Eirion question Sir Charles’ motives. John thinks him a weakling, a distant general, perfectly willing to send his troops into battle while he stays at the back slinging (forbidden) magic like a warlock. Pru says he mustn’t dismiss Sir Charles as an office boy. She rummages and finds a picture of Sir Charles and Lord Talbot, both in safari suits, standing over a massive, dead demon.

Pru: That was taken in Laos, in the 60s. Those two were legends when I was at school. They were very much the front line.
John: (aghast) But…my father…
Pru: Mmm?
John: He’s SMILING!

Meanwhile, Eirion and Tom look up ghosts. Eirion is worried he brought something back from Glastonbury, but soon discovers that as a magical sink, manifestations hardly ever leave the place. And yet, he’s now realised that the strange dreams he’s been having since that night have featured that same sing-song lament, every night. Tom looks up ghosts in Magdelen and finds a few mad dons and poets, but no red-haired women.

Sir Charles is once again embarrassed to be helped by Charlie.

Sir Charles: Never thought I’d - you know…have to depend on the fairer sex.
Charlie: Well, I’ve never seen myself as being very fair, sir.
Sir Charles: Yes. Well, still, chin up – you’re not too dark-skinned…

Charlie drops him off, and as she does so, tells Sir Charles he can write to her if he ever feels lonely.
Sir Charles: She is the strangest girl…
The Master: Yes. Yes she is….

Charlie heads back to her room to see Miranda. Before she gets close, however, she sees Fay. Fay rides into the courtyard, dismounts and marches towards the library. Charlie catches up to her. As they walk, Fay asks if John has said anything yet. Or is seeing anyone. It seems an odd question given her seeming pressing business.

As soon as she arrives in the library, John goes to leave. Charlie stops him, tells him to make the tea, and Fay can help him. He strongly resists. There is a stern battle of wills. Eventually, he curses Charlie and capitulates, and goes to make very angry tea. Angry tea is rapidly becoming a theme, and the tiny library kitchenette becoming the scene of the biggest dramatic moments in the show.

After some painfully stilted tea-making small talk, Fay gets down to business – her full regal manner has returned, and she talks with an expectation of response. She explains that she still has feelings for John, and was only wearing a glamour. She wants him to see past this and continue their relationship. John is hesitant and hedging, explaining that it’s very confusing.

Fay tells him that she’s risked a lot for him. She was supposed to just scout out England. When she found the sword, she should have reported back. She hints she even went AWOL for them, to protect them.

Fay: My orders were to scout and return. I didn’t expect to find so many reasons to remain here. (pause) I didn’t expect to fall in love.



COMMERCIAL! Samuel L Jackson talks crap to a bull! It’s an ad for a bank! What the fuck were we smoking?

[SteveD]

ACT TWO:

We’re back. Exactly the same scene. Fay is waiting for a reaction. John is quiet for a while. Then he says he’s been fooled by a fake Fay before, and doesn’t want to be hurt again. He also says he needs to know the Fay he fell for still existed.

Fay: But of course. My mask was really just a costume, easily discarded -
John: Then why the pretence?
Fay: I had to hide my true image from mortal eyes, naturally, in both looks and manner, so I -
John: (upset) Take it off. NOW.

Fay demures and releases her glamour. She grows an inch taller, her freckles fade into perfect ivory skin, her hair uncurls and lightens into a golden stream, blown by unseen winds as if she’s on a shampoo commercial. Her ears sharpen to a point, her eyes turn to a gorgeous almond shape, her face changes into perfect symmetrical beauty. There is a moment…then John sighs.

John: I’m sorry. But I fell in love with someone else.
Fay: (after a beat, angry) Yes, well. Typical of you mortals really – you only ever see the surface.
John: Excuse me? "Mortals"? I thought we were going to keep this on a level playing field but if you’re going to play the elven card..
Fay: Hmph. Well, shall we get down to business? I do in fact have important news.

And she storms out.

Angry, angry tea.

Fay returns to the group and explains things.

Fay: I have been back to Arcadia-
Tom: You’ve been to Ikea?

Fay says that the Court is beginning to worry about Talon, but he has yet to break the Concordance. She approves of the sword in the stone solution – Talon could break the earth-bond but not without breaking an even older pact and drawing way too much attention to himself. It certainly worked for Uthar.

The gang asks lots of questions about the past. Fay explains that long, long ago, humans were prey to elves – little more than cattle for the slaughter. Then they decided to call humans elf-friends, and Talon gave Arturo the sword as a symbol of this great pact. It was supposed to unite humanity into an age of great prosperity, an eternal empire of justice and wisdom.

Charlie: Yeah, you really don’t know much about human nature, do you?

The sword was rejected, first by Uthar, then by Arthur. It was Talon’s sword, and he has never forgiven this insult. After two thousand years, the insult has turned to rage and all he wants to do is turn humans back into the cattle they once were. He just needs political power to do that. If he reclaimed the sword, he might get it. If a human injured him or one of his men, he would almost certainly get it.

Charlie says they need to get rid of Talon somehow – flush him out, make him make a mistake, get him sent home. Someone asked what that would accomplish:

Charlie: Well, I think not being eaten or ridden around like a cow is a plus…
Eirion: Who rides around on a cow?

And Charlie looks witheringly at Eirion

Somewhere in this, Fay also lets slip that she once dated Talon. God knows why, now – she was only a few thousand years old, and foolish. It was clearly a bad break-up, too.

Meanwhile, Charlie has had a brilliant idea. Given that Fay’s glamour only hides her true beauty, rather than change her appearance, and given Talon’s colossal arrogance, wouldn’t Fay know what he might look like? Fay agrees again that it’s quite likely. John points out that they know a cop, and they rush Fay down to the Abingdon Rd police station. Inspector Harker (Samantha Bond) greets them and agrees to let them borrow a sketch artist, even though John’s story about a con-artist isn’t quite convincing. The sketching begins…

Meanwhile, John, Tom and Eirion return to the library and hit the books again. Sir Charles arrives and asks to speak to Eirion alone. He tells him he knows Pru has problems with magic, and that the official line of the Council is that magic is too unpredictable…but the unofficial line is quite different. He gives Eirion an old copper key and tells him to try the door behind the third pillar at the back of the undercroft, past the kitchen. What he’s looking for will be in there. Eirion asks him why he’s giving him this. He says that he would have perhaps given it to Eddie…and he is repaying old debts. He knows he was a good friend to his son, and perhaps Eddie would like him to have it.

Next, he sends Eirion away and calls in John. He tells John that he’s proud of him; that of all the team, he has easily the most potential, the most drive and the most ability, he will certainly be a great Watcher one day. The only thing that could hold him back is his family name – it is not a name well respected in the Council. Whereas, the Hunton-Smythe name is VERY respected, and he has no heir –

And John cuts him off. He throws his chair back and yells “I KNEW you’d try this!” And how dare he suggest it. Sir Charles says that he is dying, not in months but in days – he doesn’t have time to be subtle. He also has a vast fortune, a massive library, resources that should not go to waste. John says Eddie has already made him rich. Sir Charles says that much of that will depends on stipulations in his own will. John tells him in no uncertain terms where he can stick that crap. Sir Charles returns to his trump about the Council, and John tells him he’d prefer his own name to being tied to the Hunton-Smythe line. Sir Charles winces, and makes a comment about that being his rebellious father talking.

John: Yes, maybe it is. Because I HAVE a father, you know.

And Sir Charles sags, beaten. He says he will leave his possessions to the Council and not bother him again. But as he leaves, Eirion comes back into the library, and sees a shimmering presence over his shoulder, and hears the sad sing-song music in his head again…

Meanwhile, back at the police station, the sketch artist has finished.

Artist: So, he should look something like this (turns around card)

The features are unmistakeable. It’s the face of Alan Lourdes. Charlie reacts.

COMMERCIAL! Like OH MY GAWD!!!

[SteveD]

ACT THREE:

Walking back to the college, the girls talk. It all makes sense. The snooty attitude, the obsession with the sword…and Charlie has an idea. She is correct in assuming, Fay says, that there are more agents than just Fay on earth, scouting out humanity (Fay is there to decide if they are worthy of staying as they are – Talon wants the revolution to start early). Charlie points out that if they could get Talon angry, make him harm a mortal – one who is protected so she could survive it – and get a scout to see it, then they’d report back and Talon would be taken out of the picture, dragged back to the Court to be bated by the rabble’s curse and kiss the ground before his King’s feet.

Fay says this is indeed feasible. Charlie asks if they can trap Talon with his True Name (she’s been reading too). Fay says that the power of true names is nowhere near as strong as it was, but it would certainly get his attention, make him pause. His name is Lord Talonus Vallanim Oberus, Master of the High Hunt, Heir to the Throne of Thorns, Prince of Grass, Master of the Sword, First Lookout, Chief Marshall of the Southern Armies, Master of the Beasts, Wind’s Tooth, Dagger’s Sting, Hawk’s Eye and Friend to Man. The last title is of course, part of the irony of his current hatred.

Finally, Charlie asks Fay if she had any success with John. Fay thins her lips and says no.

Fay: I fear his gaze has already fallen elsewhere..
Charlie: (disbelieving) John?

Cut to John and Eirion prowling through the undercroft (1. a crypt, especially under a church; 2. a subterranean room of any kind, especially under a church, or one used as a chapel, the burial of the dead or for any sacred purpose – in Magdalen it is under the chapel and used to be used to store the wine barrels, now is just an old furniture storage place). Behind the third pillar, there it is – an old, narrow wooden door cut into the bricks.

John: Hmm. I wonder if it is the way into Hogsmeade?

They push it open and descend down some stairs into darkness. Then Eirion finds a lightswitch. A single bulb illuminates a room about 15’ square, with every wall covered in bookshelves. There’s a moment of shock.

Meanwhile, back in the library, Pru comes in. There’s a sense of great emptiness and quiet, as Tom sits pouring over books on ghosts, learning how to exorcise them. Pru stands there for a moment, frowning. Tom looks up.

Pru: Er, is everyone out and about then?
Tom: Yeah.
Pru: Well, um…just…just tell them I popped in, will you? I’ll…I’ll catch up with them later.

Tom nods and goes back to his book.

Back in the hidden room, the boys have explored a little. Besides the books, there is also a pallet bed, some chairs, and an old 19th century school desk. Every book seems to be a spell book – there is powerful magic here, and plenty of black magic too. But the desk is more interesting. On it is a very dusty copy of Colonel X Comes Too Early and a 1955 Magdalen diary, belonging to Charles Hunton-Smythe. Tucked inside the diary is a picture of a beautiful red-haired woman. The reverse, in a practised orthographical script, reads "Elizabeth".

Elizabeth is featured many times in diary entries, usually with a time. By the end of the book, she’s mentioned almost every day. Searching the desk reveals nothing else (except some initials carved into it). John meanwhile knew he had seen the woman somewhere before…in a photo….in his father’s desk?

Back in the library, Miranda has shuffled in. Tom looks up from his book again, distant. She sighs, and looks at her feet.

Mir: Tom…I just wanted to say…I –
Tom: Yes?
Mir: I’m sorry, okay. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for it to happen this way. You’re a good man, and, well, I just thought you should know that.
Tom: Right. Fine. Bye then.

And Tom goes back to his book.

Miranda cringes and runs – running into Fay and Charlie as they are heading to Charlie and Eric’s room. The girls, all of them spurned by the very same man (or rather, elf), start to plan a great revenge…

Meanwhile, John and Eirion have burst into the library and called John’s house. His younger brother Timothy (Daniel Radcliffe, who just had to be in this episode) answers. John gets him to go and raid daddy’s study.

John: I need a favour
Tim: (rubbing his fingers together) How much?

Tim finds a photo album, and a picture tucked into the very back, folded up. It is of a pretty red-haired woman, wearing bathing togs, on the pier at Brighton. The back reads simply, "Elizabeth, 1968". At the same time, Eirion remembers that the dreams he’s been having since Glastonbury have featured her face too.

But who is she?

Once Eric has been sent off on an errand so that the girls can have some "girl talk" Miranda and Charlie show Fay the sword. And she smiles. A clumsy copy, but there is potential…

COMMERCIAL! WOAH! Major stuff happening! Quick, bathroom break, bathroom break now!

[SteveD]

ACT FOUR:

Charlie’s plan is simple – break the sword in front of Talon, make him angry and get him to attack Miranda, after placing a protective spell on her. Then Fay can witness it all, and report back to the King, Talon’s father, and big spanks will be delivered from high. Miranda is definitely into it, but something about her tone sounds off. When she explains that Alan just called and is coming up right now to see her, Charlie spots it.

Charlie: He’s coming to see you?
Miranda: Well, yes. He said he was sorry, and I thought – well, maybe, once I taught him a lesson –
Charlie: I’m sorry – you want to go back to this jerk?
Miranda: Well, he’s always been very nice to me, he just didn’t call for a while, and then –
Charlie: (yelling) What’s wrong with you?
Miranda: (yelling more) Hey, you’re the one barging in here telling me he’s a fairy and evil and trying to destroy the world and all this crazy stuff. I just had a minor tiff with my boyfriend.
Charlie: (sick of it) Oh God, FINE. If he’s so precious to you, you keep him.

And she storms off.. Sigh. Miranda is SO jealous of Charlie, it’s painful.

Charlie meets the boys in the library as they discuss who this Elizabeth person is and why she might be haunting them, or Sir Charles. They speculate that it could have something to do with his coming death, or as someone put it, maybe he has to do something before the old boy pops off. Alternatively, perhaps it is the angel of death?

Charlie: I’m pretty sure nobody ever spoke of the Angel of Death as a singing red-head.
Eirion: What about banshees?

Just then the chalk picks up at the blackboard and writes out L O S T. Eirion hears it in his head, too, the same desperately sad whisper. He tries to talk to it, and it seems to get stronger when he thinks about Sir Charles. Clearly, he is a key factor in this….and he’s about to leave town.

The four run like mad down the old stone stairs, crash through the quad, tumble through the parking lot, completely oblivious to the silver porsche that pulls up behind them. Alan Lourdes looks askance at them as they run past, smirks his little smirk and charges up the stairs with a bunch of roses.

The team reach Sir Charles as he is getting into his taxi. They don’t know what to say, then John takes a gamble:

John: It’s Elizabeth sir – she’s trying to contact us.

And Sir Charles almost dies right there. His face drains of all colour, his body starts, he begins to cough up blood. He asks them to take him back inside. Dear God, if it is true…

Back in the library, the boys suggest a séance – with Percy to help. Sir Charles nods, still barely able to speak. Charlie decides that maybe Miranda could help, with her magical power. She runs down the stairs, along the quad, up her staircase, and pushes open the door to her room.

And stops dead.

Fay kneels, cradling the prone form of Miranda, a look of confusion and helplessness on her face. Miranda lies in a quickly expanding pool of her own blood, from the gigantic sword wound that goes right through her body. Fay looks up, her eyes now wide with terror. She whispers, her voice choked with fear:

"Talon!"

BLACKOUT

Grr Arg zombie chuckles evilly in Talon’s voice. Which is very creepy coming right at the end there…

[SteveD]

Comments

When John said “I have a father”, it was pretty much the key turning point for his arc, for the whole last two series. John’s story has always been about finding his identity; right there he claimed his title, once and for all. He might not like it, but that’s who he is and he’s going to have to make it work.

It was also probably the most amazing moment in my gaming life. Thanks, Col.

Also, the players were so worried about their plans for Talon, they wanted a save point before they put them into action. Ah, but life isn’t like that…

A cliffhanger, a crashing arc climax and a whole new meme – “Angry tea”. What more could you ask for?

And oh yes – we’ll open the next ep by showing the Miranda-Talon confrontation in full.

[happyelf]

yayyyyy!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Comments

When John said “I have a father”, it was pretty much the key turning point for his arc, for the whole last two series. John’s story has always been about finding his identity; right there he claimed his title, once and for all. He might not like it, but that’s who he is and he’s going to have to make it work.

It was also probably the most amazing moment in my gaming life. Thanks, Col.

Also, the players were so worried about their plans for Talon, they wanted a save point before they put them into action. Ah, but life isn’t like that…

A cliffhanger, a crashing arc climax and a whole new meme – “Angry tea”. What more could you ask for?

And oh yes – we’ll open the next ep by showing the Miranda-Talon confrontation in full.
*whimper*

In other news, rocking good stuff.

[colbabe]

Cut to John and Eirion prowling through the undercroft (1. a crypt, especially under a church; 2. a subterranean room of any kind, especially under a church, or one used as a chapel, the burial of the dead or for any sacred purpose – in Magdalen it is under the chapel and used to be used to store the wine barrels, now is just an old furniture storage place).
And if you've ever been to Griffith University (http://www.gu.edu.au)'s Nathan campus, there's a third definition: an otherwise open-to-the-air area, "covered" by a garish yellow sunsail that someone acquired from Brisbane's 1988 World Expo. My fellow students and I were wondering for quite a while if the sunsail was the 'croft'.
Meanwhile, John and Eirion have burst into the library and called John’s house. His younger brother Timothy (Daniel Radcliffe, who just had to be in this episode) answers.
My idea. After the Hogsmeade reference, I just couldn't get Potter out of my head. Blame my girlfriend for being a Pottermaniac.

[SteveD]

My mother's school has an above ground undercroft too, but at least it is under a building.

[colbabe]

When John said “I have a father”, it was pretty much the key turning point for his arc, for the whole last two series. John’s story has always been about finding his identity; right there he claimed his title, once and for all. He might not like it, but that’s who he is and he’s going to have to make it work.

It was also probably the most amazing moment in my gaming life. Thanks, Col.
Steve's been piling on the praise for my playing lately. I'm feeling all shy now. :o

Thanks muchly, but it helps a lot that you're the best games writer I've encountered. Yes, better than Kevin Powe. Even better than Eric Wujcik. And while Patrick O'Duffy's Winter Of Our Discontent was a superb game, TNW has me more rapt as far as being involved with my character goes - I don't think I've ever had a stronger characterisation in a game before, and I believe it's all due to the writing.

And this turn in John's arc is well-timed, right in the middle of the series. Hopefully you'll see him go from strength to strength in the coming episodes. Although, I can think of at least one more major hurdle...

[Burgonet]

Good games, folks.

Colin, am surprised to hear that you feel that this is your best game/campaign yet.
But pleased you feel/observe that.

If Lord Talon wears an Elf version of the Nintendo Death Suit (tm), I'm going to die laughing, Mister Bond.

[SteveD]

Thanks Col. Tis always a pleasure to write for you.

Unfortunately, while all is going well with you and Eirion, I think the current plot arc is leaving the other heroes (and their players) a bit out in the cold.

We need to put our heads together and refocus the vision and contract.

Unfortunately again, that might FURTHER delay our games. Sigh.

[Heronymus]

I knew I couldn't stay away forever.

Damn, Steve. You and your players make some great game...

[SteveD]

Thanks. We got game, Hero. We got game.

- don't know what that means D

[Craig Oxbrow]

Thanks. We got game, Hero. We got game.

- don't know what that means D
Well, there's this game, and you have it. Clearly.

Also, you got over 25,000 posts.

I think we should have a party.

[SteveD]

whups, I do too. And I was meaning on causing a small fuss beforehand as well.

[Burgonet]

whups, I do too. And I was meaning on causing a small fuss beforehand as well.

This post was post 25,025 for you when I read it.

So it begs the question.

Is Mankind still alive?

;)

[Craig Oxbrow]

This post was post 25,025 for you when I read it.

So it begs the question.

Is Mankind still alive?

;)
Barely...

[SteveD]

I'm back. Let's rock.

2.13 Last Chance

We swoop down from a overhead shot of the college into Charlie and Eric’s room. It’s almost as it was last ep, but the camera angle is slightly different: now Miranda is in the centre, and Charlie and Fay off to the side. They are in a heated conversation that sounds familiar.

Miranda: Alan just called – he’s just coming into Oxford!
Charlie: He’s coming to see you?
Miranda: Well, yes. He said he was sorry, and I thought – well, maybe, once I taught him a lesson –
Charlie: I’m sorry – you want to go back to this jerk?
Miranda: Well, he’s always been very nice to me, he just didn’t call for a while, and then-
Charlie: (yelling) What’s wrong with you?
Miranda: (yelling more) Hey, you’re the one barging in here telling me he’s a fairy and evil and trying to destroy the world and all this crazy stuff. I just had a minor tiff with my boyfriend.
Charlie: (sick of it) Oh God, FINE. If he’s so precious to you, you keep him.

The door shuts. Miranda glares after Charlie, her face red with anger. Then she turns to Fay, who is very confused.

Miranda: And you’re a fairy too.
Fay: I am afraid so.
Miranda: God. I have enough trouble with human girls being prettier than me.
Fay: And yet (confused) Talon chose you over her…

Miranda thinks, trying to decide if that was an insult or a compliment. Then there is a knock at the door. She pushes Fay behind the screen dividing the room (erected by Eric in 2.11) and turns back, trying to comb her hair out and smooth her shirt out.

Miranda: Come in.
Alan: (stepping in, looking askance as if he can sense something is odd) Are we alone? (but he still says it foppishly)
Miranda: Yes. Sorry, I was just…talking with Charlie.
Alan: (making a dismissive gesture) Piffle. That silly little girl is beneath you, my dear. Why do you think I tossed her aside? For you. (and he hands her the roses)
Miranda: (slightly overcome by the compliment and the roses) Oh, uh, thank you. (there is a pause. She stares at the roses, then at Alan, as if she is seeing them for the first time. Something in Miranda seems to change.) She’s not though, you know.
Alan: I’m sorry?
Miranda: She’s not beneath me. She might not be my friend, exactly, but I’ve just realised that she’s the only person who hasn’t lied to me.
Alan: (dropping rakishly into a chair, doing big wide honest eyes) My dear, have I ever lied to you? Could you ever doubt the depth of my feelings –

Miranda turns around and picks up a copy of the Sun. The headline is something about Alan Hotting It Up In the Snow. Alan doesn’t blink.

Alan: A mere floosie of the slopes who needed help with her lessons. The papers made it all up. You know how they get.
Miranda: (still seemingly caught between disbelief and wanting to believe) And your overnight marriage to Jordan?
Alan: A complete fabrication. Never even met the gel.
Miranda: (biting her lip and turning to put the roses in a vase) Hmm. So you’ve been completely straight with me, then?
Alan: Of course, my darling.
Miranda: Your promise you’re not hiding anything?
Alan: Well, maybe a few dirty secrets in my past – just enough to make me interesting. (she doesn’t laugh at his joke)
Miranda: So…you wouldn’t say you were a fairy then?

There is a long pause. Alan’s eyes fix on the curtain, and he sighs over-dramatically.

Alan: Ah.
Miranda: (sinking onto her bed. Part of her still wanted it to be a lie). Oh god.
Alan: (hopping onto his knees) My sweet, it doesn’t have to be the end of us. Don’t listen to whatever my foul cousin has told you. I have fallen for you, madly. I want to carry you off to my elven kingdom and let you know my love for a thousand millennia. Won’t you be mine, forever?

At first, Miranda is listening, biting her lip and confused. But as he’s leaning there, she notices something in his pocket. By its design, it clearly was once attached to the roses. She grabs it like a snake, and reads it before he can stop her.

Miranda: (reading) What’s - ‘To my darling Beatrice’. (she stares daggers at him, and her voice goes cold and sad) You told me you were arriving at five today. You came two hours early.
Alan says nothing.
Miranda: Out, was she?
Alan: (trying a half smile) She’s my aunt?

And Miranda snaps. She leaps from her bed, grabs the flower vase and throws them at his head. He ducks.

Miranda: ARGH! You total complete bastard!
Alan: Darling, please!
Miranda: Don’t you darling me, I trusted you. ARG! (and she throws a binder) I slept with you! I LEFT TOM FOR YOU!
Alan: Well, he was hardly a prize, darling –
Miranda: (throwing a mirror, then a hair dryer, then a tennis racket) Shut up! SHUT UP! You don’t know anything! And you lied to me the whole time, the whole damn time, you son of a bitch! (screaming now) You ASSHOLE!

Even Miranda is shocked by the level of that outburst. The room goes silent. Fay hesitates, behind the curtain, unsure to reveal herself or not.

Alan: (smirking mockingly and dusting himself off) Oh well, if that’s how you feel. (he turns to go and looks back over his shoulder disdainfully as he leaves) You were a pretty dead fuck anyway. No wonder Tom moved on so quickly. In fact, (and now he can no longer contain his chuckles) I imagine he was very thankful for the excuse…

Miranda’s hands drop. Her eyes are cold and dead. Not with shock, but with an angry so fierce it doesn’t burn. A hate so pure it doesn’t rage. In one move, she sweeps her hand under the bed and brings out the sword. And she screams his name.

Miranda: ALAN!
Alan stops and comes back to stand in the door. Just in time to see –
Miranda: You know…I could make a joke about this compensating for your penis, but really, (and she glances mockingly at his crotch) you need all the help you can get. (and she smiles and snaps the sword in half over he knee)

For a second, a wave of emotions spill over Alan’s face, shock, dismay, fear, insult, anger and then realisation and his own cold, bitter hatred, wreathed with that same mocking smile he never, ever drops.

Alan: Oh, I see. Well done, cousin (he calls to the curtain). What a JOLLY jape. How funny. A very good trick indeed. (he pauses, and his eyes meet Mir’s. She stands defiant, puffing with rage). Want to see another good trick? (and he raises an eyebrow).

Miranda relaxes for a second, about to say something. Then Talon whirls around in a huge arc, his glamour dropping, his street clothes falling to reveal his green and gold tunic and shimmering silver armour, his hands bringing forth his huge elven longsword and the motion ends without any sense of force or violence. Just a sword clean through Miranda. Blood dripping off the blade sticking ten inches out of her back. Her face registering nothing but total shock. For good measure, he pushes it in harder and leans close into Miranda’s face so she can smell his breath. And for the very very first time ever, his smile drops.

Talon: Now THAT’S funny, you stinking whore.

He pulls his sword out in another arc of his arm and Miranda drops to the floor. With his free hand, he tears down the curtain. It reveals Fay with her sword drawn and armour on, but her mouth agape and her body frozen at the unbelievable act of bond-breaking she has just witnessed.

Talon: And YOU should have kept your nose out of it, my dear cousin.

With a swish of metal, he sheathes the blade, and with a blur of movement, dances out the door. It still takes two seconds for Fay to stop shaking, drop her sword to the floor and run to Miranda’s side. She struggles to get Miranda’s head in her lap. Blood is running everywhere. About ten seconds later, Charlie comes in the door. She takes in the scene, her mouth open in shock. Fay looks up, swallows and manages to say one word:

“Talon!”

CREDITS.

[SteveD]

Charlie puts on her game face. She tells Fay to take Miranda to Pru and runs straight after Talon. Down the stairs, she passes her roommate, Eric. Talon has snapped his neck without a thought as he descended.

Incensed, Charlie pours on the speed. She catches up to Talon as he crosses the courtyard. Dropping all glamour, he is now revealed in his true livery: ivory, gold and green, a shining armour that makes no sound nor carries any weight. He points his keys at his Porsche and pushes the unlock button, and it turns into a gigantic silver destrier. He is about to mount up when Charlie arrives.

She holds him with her TK. He struggles, cursing her and her whole whorish sex and species; she points out that it was him who had to lower himself to their level, to consort with “cattle” just to get what he wanted – and he couldn’t even do that very well. He rages, and gets a hand around her throat. She slams him back against the college wall, and for a moment, the two are locked in a titanic struggle of wills. But Talon glances to his right, and his horse rears and kicks Charlie in the head. Bleeding and confused, she falls, and Talon draws his sword. She raises her TK but isn't strong enough to stop the sword blow - but Talon stops himself and curses her again. He tells her he could have given her everything - made her his fairy princess, she would have lived forever, been more beautiful than she could have imagined, had everything she ever wanted. Charlie just rolls her eyes and tells him he still has no idea about women – and wonders what’s the point of being immortal if you have to spend it with you? He screams in rage again but still doesn't kill her. Instead, he tosses her across the courtyard and rides out into the street, crushing cars and bicycles under the hooves of his gigantic horse. As he goes, he yells that he will be back in an hour to collect his sword: have it ready, and only a few will die. Fail to provide it, and he will put the entire country to fire and the sword.

(This paragraph doesn’t nearly do justice to the cool dialogue and combat these two had, because we can’t remember it all! But trust us, it was way cool.)

Meanwhile, Fay has rushed into the library with Miranda and tried to fill everyone in. Eirion runs down to check on Charlie. John tries to stop the blood flow but Mir is a mess. Tom holds her hand tight. Eirion helps the bleeding Charlie back upstairs. The Master comes in and demands to know what's going on.

Tom: Miranda got stabbed by elves. Charlie got hit by elves. Elves left.
Eirion: (after a beat) Succinct.

They call an ambulance and the cops come too. Suddenly there are heaps of people in the room - ambulance men push through the crowd, cops are asking all sorts of questions, and nobody notices when Tom slips away. Soon, Inspector Harker arrives and takes charge. Since Fay is the only witness to the attack, she has to be taken into custody. Fay is not happy with this (cold iron on the wrists?) and looks to John for support. John offers none and she is taken away. And just as suddenly, the room is empty. And Eirion looks around:

Eirion: Where the hell is Tom?
Cut to: Tom in Susan, driving off like a bat out of hell, heading for the cotswold hills.

COMMERCIAL! Pot noodle is a metaphor for fetish sex!

[SteveD]

Back in the library, John remembers the séance. Declaring that it could be very important to the elven situation, he starts it up again. After all, he says, Miranda is just a casualty of war, and there may be many more lives at stake. He, Eirion, Sir Charles and Shelley sit down and try to reach the spirits. Charlie doesn't join in, running off to look after Fay. It isn't difficult to contact the spirit who is so close to Sir Charles and it is quickly revealed it is indeed Elizabeth, Charles' dead wife. Her message is oblique but it seems the person who is lost is Sir Charles. She says he is lost and alone and needs help. Sir Charles blusters that this is a lie - but almost cries at the sight of his lost wife, the only thing he ever loved.

Eirion is angry that this isn’t very relevant, and yells “I don’t have time for this family shit” and runs off to get ready for battle.

At the police station, Charlie gives Fay a cover story, saying that Fay was lying, that it was Charlie who saw everything. Fay is released and Charlie tells her in veiled words to go and prepare for an attack. Charlie is taken in and gives a statement. She tells them that the killer on the loose is Alan Lourdes. Everyone stares at her blankly - nobody in the station has heard of him, which is odd for someone as famous as Hugh Grant.

Back at the library, Sir Charles says that he can't worry about such things and the séance breaks up. John turns to him for advice and he tells him they need to prepare for war - a war he is too weak to join. He tells them that steel can't hurt the elves, conventional weapons just bounce off. Only wych-wood or earth-stone can hurt them - weapons made from the most primal forms of wood and stone. Without them.the only person who can hurt the elves is…Eirion.

Cut to Eirion, who is down in the Hogsmeade cellar, raiding books full of attack spells. Then he runs back to the library, and begins to arm up for battle. Helmet. Breastplate. Sword (just normal iron). He saddles his> horse, Tuesday. Then he goes to find Pru, who's been missing since lunchtime. He goes to her room and finds it bare. On the bed is a letter and four> horsehoes. The letter reads:

John, Tom, Eirion and Charlie:

My mother always said that the iron isn’t a shield - only a canary. But maybe it can help.

Best of British, and my love to you all. Keep safe, and make me proud.

- Prudence

Standing shocked, in his (slightly dicky looking) armour, he doesn't notice Charlie run up next to him. He hands her the note. She reads it. Then she asks him why he's dressed like that.


John's disappeared as well, with Sir Charles. We cut to him briefly, calling people in a very professional manner. In a small room, he points to a map and discusses tactics with men in suits. And we cut to Tom, hiking up a hill. Choices are being made. Weapons are being chosen. Over it all plays Radiohead’s “You and Whose Army?”.

Eirion and Charlie are also looking at a map: one of Oxford and using the horseshoes and a scrying spell, Eirion locates elves in the direction of Broad Street. They run out of Magdelen, down the High, up Catte street into Radcliffe Square and then left into the Broad (leading Tuesday all the way). They barely have time to notice the cops filling the streets, trying to regain order from the chaos Talon left in his wake. As they walk further up, past Blackwells, the horseshoes begin to vibrate. They're pulling towards the pub - their pub. The While Horse.

Charlie remembers something Fay said about Talon - that if there was trouble, he would go to the White Horse – not the pub, the carving, that in old times was their stable. Inside the pub, the horseshoes go crazy as they walk through the bar, twisting and stretching out into thin long lines of metal, and unable to go into the back room at all. And on the back wall, the light flickers and shimmers. It seems pretty clear that there's something there. Some kind of entrance. So there’s only one thing to do.

They go outside. Eirion swings into the saddle and Charlie gets on behind. Then they ride through the bar. The barman calls out to stop them, but it's too late. They hit the back room and ZANG!


And there's only a pile of bent horseshoes left behind.

COMMERCIAL! Prunella Scales wants you to shop at Sainsbury’s, or she’ll put a cap in your ass!

[SteveD]

Eirion and Charlie find themselves standing on the frost-covered, barren hillside of Uffington. Beneath them is the huge chalk horse, twenty metres high, and across from that is the hill known as Dragon Hill, where St George's blood was spilled and still causes red flowers to grow. This is a magical place. A special place.

And barely fifty yards away, Talon is raising a small cohort of elves. Maybe a dozen, a rather small number and they are uneasy on their mounts, and in his anger, Talon seems rushed and nervous. But he is also bombastic and inspiring, calling his troops up for battle, filling them with murderous zeal against the mortal vermin. And then, inexplicably, he starts to move backwards. He fights it, but Charlie won't stop. She drags him off his horse and back towards Eirion, who draws his sword.

Talon smiles mockingly at the size of their army – one witch and one psychic. He utters one word to Charlie, and her eyes go dark. Blinded, her TK drops. With another word, his men fire their elfshot. Eirion dives off his horse and uses it for cover, and Tuesday is thudded with arrows and falls to the ground, screaming.

Talon is on top of Eirion immediately, and swings his sword back, but Charlie - still blind - charges and grabs him, trying to get the TK on him again. This gives Eirion a moment to erect a barrier spell. With a snarl, Talon shakes her off and throws her down the hill. Then he pushes his sword down into the barrier. Sparks fly. The barrier begins to give and the swordpoint heads towards Eirion's throats. Talon cackles: "Time to die, little mage".

And then a sword clangs against his. And there's Tom, with Excalibur in hand. "Why don't you try me instead?" he says.

And Talon smiles like a snake.

He orders his men to let him have this one, and the two begin to circle. But, he says, his men are free to kill the others. And they draw their bows to fire the deadly elf-shot - then stop as they hear the sound of helicopters. From the sky drop a dozen highly trained Watcher Sentinels, armed with earth-blood blades and machine guns. They charge into
the fray like the SAS. On the hill above, Quentin Travers nods to John, approving of his tactics. John nods back, and cocks his submachine gun.

Let the battle begin!

COMMERCIAL! Next on BBC2: David Starkey presents “What the people from last week did for us”.

[SteveD]

Eirion yells a word in the ancient tongue and blasts off a fireball at the elves heading for
him. He scrambles over to the fallen Charlie. He pulls her up and removes her blindness with a spell, although the effort exhausts him. Meanwhile, Tom and Eirion engage. At first, Talon goes easy….then realises his mistake when Tom cuts his shoulder. He is more shocked than hurt though - it has been more than 2000 years since a human dared to shed high elven blood, let alone his. He yells this to Tom, and demands satisfaction. He pushes forward, slicing Tom's chest and arms open with cut after cut. Blood pours down his shirt and Tom falls to the ground. (Losing 60 hit points in two rounds will do that)

Talon makes ready to finish the job, but a barrage of bullets knocks him off balance. John is advancing into the fray. The bullets stop in front of Talon and fall to the ground, but the impact distracted him long enough for Charlie to tackle him, punching and kicking.

Behind this, the Watchers are fighting well against the elves, but their numbers are falling quickly against the master swordsmen. John turns to help, but it is only a matter of seconds before this fray is over and Talon’s men can join him again…

Talon fights her off, no longer pulling his punches like he was before (because he couldn’t bring himself to hurt Charlie badly). He gets a hand around her neck and lifts her off the ground and tells her her silly little race is all going to die, and she’ll be first. At which point she calmly and coldly kicks him square in the nuts. There is a terrible moment of realisation and shock, and then Talon hisses:

“Well, THAT’S a design flaw of this universe…”

Although doubling up in pain, he slaps Charlie across the face, knocking her down, bleedingg. But the distraction has worked – Tom is on his feet again. He charges again. Talon tries to meet strength for strength, instead of out-thinking his opponent – Talon always underestimates humans. But now Tom is fighting like a tiger and he surprises Talon. Talon gets in another slash to Tom’s abdomen, but Tom simply shrugs it off, slips his wrist past the sword and stabs his blade deep into Talon's thigh. Talon drops to one knee. Talon brings his sword up to parry, but after a few blows, Tom knocks it out of his hand.

Talon tries to get up, but Tom slashes him again, across the ribs and tearing his lungs. Talon’s eyes dart for his sword – it’s a long way away but he’ll be damned if he’ll dodge a human. Tom sights it up. Talon reaches. Tom swings back. Talon screams as the blade comes round.

And Talon’s head rolls down the hill.


The few remaining elves have slaughtered the Watchers, but seeing their leader dead, they turn to flee. They don't go far however when dragon hill ripples and shudders and suddenly resembles a face of an old man (Peter O'Toole). He says in a voice like the trembling of a mountain sliding into the sea, that his son is dead and he will take him home now - and that he is sorry for his breaking of the covenant. There is an exhalation, and he's gone. The other elves begin to fade. Fay is there, having brought her father. She looks at John and stutters something about needing to go be with her family now, and deal with things. John nods curtly and simply says “I understand, thank you.”

Travers comes up and shakes John's hand and takes off in his helicopter, and suddenly, they're alone again on the barren hillside. Eirion goes and cradles the head of Tuesday. Charlie holds her wounds and tries to smile at the victory…then she just sags and cries, long loud sobs which echo down the hill.

And Tom? Tom's gone.

We see Susan screeching off down the road again, at top speed. And then, late at night, Tom runs into a hospital room, where Miranda is lying on the bed, in intensive care, on a respirator. He gently takes her hand and holds it very tight.

CREDITS.

GRR! ARG!

[SteveD]

This is the episode which led to me going on and on about narrative truth, and committing the ultimate sin in GMing.

So we had a long break before the next one. I'll give you guys a day or two to digest this before the denoument.

Steve

[Burgonet]

Eirion: Where the hell is Tom?
Cut to: Tom in Susan...

I always knew someday that those whacky pair of Americans would get together...

;)

[Eddie did call his last car 'Susan' for a reason, you know...]

[Craig Oxbrow]

Go Charlie!

[SteveD]

Nobody gets to see part 14 until I hear more applause. :D

[Burgonet]

So, is this the end of Season 2 now?

[SteveD]

Episode 14 is the final ep of the series.

And you get to see Colin explode.

[Burgonet]

Episode 14 is the final ep of the series.

And you get to see Colin explode.

Much like Meatloaf in Formula 51?

;)

[thenewgirl]

*applause*

Much fun was had. :D

[colbabe]

-standing ovation-

I'm exploding now? :confused: Or are you talking about the season finalé moment... Hooo boy...

[Varyar]

Episode 14 is the final ep of the series.

And you get to see Colin explode.

Cool. Well done to all involved in this!

[SteveD]

Cool. Well done to all involved in this!

Varyar, I just posted episode 13. 14 is still to come, and involves Col exploding.

Think Restless and you're on the right track.

[SteveD]

Hokay, here we gooooo.....

2.14 Loose Ends

We drop back into the same dimly-lit hospital room, only now there is more than just Tom on the vigil. Charlie is there, her arm bandaged, John and Eirion stand protectively near the door. Tom is also heavily bandaged, his ribs and shoulder tightly bound. Miranda remains in a coma, machines keeping her alive, their soft ping the only sound in the muted atmosphere.

Quentin Travers is also present, debriefing them. He tells them everything’s been cleaned up. They’ll pay for a new horse for Eirion even. He says the Council was very impressed with how they handled the situation and watched with great interest. Their performance will be kept in mind for the future.

He closes with some bad news: Sir Charles is dead. Suicide, with his own revolver, but it looks like he only had a few weeks left to live anyway. John asks about the will (given the events of Parting Gestures), Travers is evasive saying that the Council lawyers are still looking into it.

Travers leaves, and the night wears on for the four watching over Mir. Sometime in the middle of the night, John shuffles down the corridor to get some coffee. He spots two armed policemen in the hallway, and in the foyer brushes past a swarthy man with something heavy under his long coat. Heading back around the corner, he sees the two cops have vanished. Reaching the door, he can see through the crack they are lying dead on the floor. Thrusting open the door, he sees Tony Blair being strangled with his own drip tube by the swarthy man!

John leaps across the room and judo chops the man in the neck. He turns and grapples John, and they wrestle across the room, smashing hospital equipment to the floor. Eventually though, John gets the upper hand. He grabs his attackers head, rams it hard into the ECG machine, and then throws him out the window. John looks down at the dead man and chuckles to himself: “well, that was a missed window of opportunity”. Meanwhile, the other three have heard the noise and rushed to the room and witnessed the end of proceedings. As Tony Blair thanks John for saving his life, John’s phone goes off. He answers it deftly, saying:

“Bond”

CREDITS

[SteveD]

A few minutes later, the four of them are in the back of a limousine, headed to London. Tom, Charlie and Eirion are looking at each other, confused but not knowing what to do. Clearly John’s gone nuts but aren’t you supposed to not wake sleepwalkers?

Eirion: Pinch John!
Charlie: No, you pinch John!
Eirion: ….but it might be a bit weird….

A few minutes later they seem to arrive at the MI5 building and head inside. John walks into M’s office, throws his hat effortlessly onto the hook and crosses to Moneypenny, who is now Pru. After a lot of disturbing flirting, John goes into see M, who is now the Master.

John introduces his fellows to M: Carlotta Zloty, Russian agent and cryptography genius, Steele, his Welsh manservant and Felix Leiter, over from the CIA. This is news to Charlie, Eirion and Tom, of course. They’re all here because a group of cyber-terrorists are planning something big, something that could cripple the entire internet and with it, the security of every defence force in the world. Right now, British Intelligence believes their next move will be to kidnap or steal the work of famous Oxford cryptographer, Dr Grace Miracle. M passes over photos – she is the spitting image of Miranda. Dr Miracle is giving a talk at a world probability symposium in Monte Carlo tonight. Bond’s mission is to find her and stay close to her, making sure she’s not harmed.

John/Bond: “Well, M, I’d say the chances of me being on top of her are very good”

It was about this point it became clear that John was very much a Roger Moore bond (and his skin slowly turned a puce colour and he got very wrinkly).

Suddenly they’re seeing Q, who is being played by the Clockmaker now (heh heh heh). He gives Bond a pen with a very powerful grappling hook in it, and he gives Carlotta a laser-beam lipstick (‘aim away from face’). There is also, of course, an Austin Martin, complete with missiles, lasers, an ejector seat, and it turns into a helicopter – but don’t use the ejector seat when it’s a helicopter. Bond promises not to “lose his head” and do so.

A moment later and the foursome are in the Aston Martin, driving up the hills of Monte Carlo the Grand Casino. Time clearly has no meaning in this dream, or story, or whatever it is. Ahead of them, they see a fat man in a fez debarking from his car: it is the infamous arms dealer Caglisotro! Played here by Uncle Dennis – you what?

The gang check in. Eirion stays in Mr Bond’s room and begins a terrible struggle with the creases in his shirts. The others go down to the casino. Tom checks out the exits while Carlotta gets the drinks for James and his target – the lovely Dr Miracle. James turns on the charm and the puns:

James/John: What are the odds of such a chance meeting?
Tom: Ow. I think I broke my pun bone.

Charlie gets the drinks up. She’s about to go give them to John but thinks better of it.

Charlie: No. I want to give the drinks to someone who isn’t congenitally insane. (walks over to Tom)
Tom: (with his gun out and grinning like a loon) I’m looking for spies!!
Charlie: Oh dear.

At this point, Peter Lorre walks up to Charlie and invites her to join his boss, Mr Cagliostro for a game of Baccarat. She acquiesces, saying she doesn’t know how to play but is just dying to learn. Before she goes to the table though, she grabs Tom and makes things clear:

Charlie: Look, it looks like I’m going to be oh-so-surprisingly kidnapped soon, so keep a watch for me okay?

Caglisotro dismisses his servant, Piccolo (a name I made up on the spot, but it worked so well) and he tries to distract Tom (who is now looking for spies behind the potted palms). James needs no distracting as the lovely Dr Miracle is very keen to show Bond her thesis. Ooh and possibly even err. Upstairs, the ironing is almost done when a sound alerts Eirion to a presence in the bedroom. He hides behind the door and clocks an assassin with the iron as he enters the room. But then another grabs him from behind and tries to garrotte him. A terrible struggle ensues, destroying the room and the ironing. Finally though Eirion kicks his assailant in the goolies, sticks his head in the ironing boards’ legs and smacks him into unconsciousness. Then the folds up the board and the goon into the cupboard and runs down to warn Bond.

Tom gets there at the same time, having noticed Charlie’s disappearance. Bond doesn’t want to be interrupted seeing how he’s close to getting his leg over but his request for five more minutes is denied. Bond rushes to the balcony in time to see her being bundled into Cagliostro’s car which then speeds off. Losing no time, he fires his pen grapple at the back of the limo, grabs a nearby drinks table and leaps off the balcony. A moment later, he is casually table-skiing behind the car as it whips furiously down the steep and winding cliffs of Monte Carlo. Tom looks on in wonder and then does his best Felix Leiter impersonation as he says:

Tom: Damn that Bond!

Then Tom turns back to the party and winks at Dr Miracle…

Bond meanwhile, is dodging machine gun fire, shooting his pistol and climbing up his rope. He leaps onto the back of the car and the table spins off the cliff edge behind him, shattering into a thousand pieces. He judo chops the goon shooting out of the sunroof and drops down into the limo. But Cagliostro has a gun to Ms Zloty’s chest and says “Not so fast, Mr Bond.” Trapped, Bond drops his weapon and raises his hands. A jazz sting plays!

COMMERCIAL! If you had BBC3, you’d be bored by now.

[Varyar]

Varyar, I just posted episode 13. 14 is still to come, and involves Col exploding.

I did notice the lack of explosions :)

Think Restless and you're on the right track.

Will there be cheese?

No, I kid. I can't wait to read the finale.

Wow, that timing worked out well ;)

[SteveD]

We come back to see Bond and Charlie being forced into a dungeon at the bottom of an old Moorish fortress on the cliffs. Cagliostro says he knows all about Mr Bond and he wants him out of the way while he performs his little business arrangement. He locks them in the cell and explains that as the tide comes in, the cell will fill with water and drown them. Then he leaves.

Charlie: (at three times the legal sarcasm limit) Oh dear. James, how ever will we escape.

Of course, it is a simple matter to cut the bars of the cell with Zloty’s laser, run up the cliffs, knock a passing Frenchman off his bike and head back to the casino full speed, the Frenchman waving his baguette and beret at the thieves in impotent fury.

Meanwhile, back at the casino, it’s been left up to Tom/Felix to protect Dr Miracle and is hiding with her in a closet. Also, Eirion/Steele is interrogating the suspect in the closet. Possibly the same closet.

Swarthy Mook: Capitalist pigdog! I will tell you nothing!
(Steele bonks him with the iron)
Swarthy Mook: Ow! Okay, I will tell you everything!

The plan, he reveals, is not to kidnap Dr Miracle, but to assassinate her publically to show that the internet is the tool of the evil west, or some gibberish.

Clearly Dr Miracle can’t go on stage until her assassins are foiled, but the symposium is starting and Bond isn’t back yet! Thinking quickly, Eirion cuts the power, throwing things into confusion. Felix, being in the CIA puts on his night goggles in time to see Piccolo running backstage in the auditorium. It buys them a few minutes, in which time Bond and Charlie/Carlotta come wheeling in at top speed on their bike. Bond and Charlie charge up the stairs and into the lobby. Charlie runs into the seating area and spots Cagliostro. She draws her gun and looks for a way to conceal it.

Charlie: If I have a gun, I probably have a shawl too.

And indeed she does. She walks up behind Cagliostro and demands he surrender. He tells her its already too late, so being a scary Russian agent, she kills him and leaves him slumped in his seat. Meanwhile, Bond has charged up to the lighting rig and spies Piccolo in position with a sniper rifle. The audience is taking their seats and the compere is introducing Dr Miracle. There’s no time left.

Bond shoots his pen-grapple around a beam and swings out to meet Piccolo. They clash in mid air. Punches fly. Bond gets knocked back and Piccolo tries to get his gun again, but Bond swings back and knocks it away. Then he punches Piccolo and the assassin rolls and slips, until he is only hanging by his fingers, fifty feet above the stage. Below, the audience has noticed and are screaming and looking up.

Piccolo begs for his life as only Peter Lorre can. Bond smiles.

Bond: Piccolo, when I play this kind of game, I always come up trumps.

And stomps on Piccolo’s fingers. He screams and plummets and lands head-first in a tuba. A fat Austrian musician gasps and yells “MEINEN TOOBA!”

Police agents, hotel staff and security forces flood the auditorium, and surround Dr Miracle, making sure she’s okay. Bond congratulates everyone on a job well done – looks like they were her saving grace. And then the screams start. The crowd around Dr Miracle/Miranda fades back to reveal she’s been stabbed. A dagger protrudes from her stomach. Is it a dagger? No, it’s…it’s a sword. A very familiar sword. Bond begins to panic: “But I won. We won….”

His phone beeps. It’s M. Or rather the Master. Holding a teddy-bear.

M: Ah Bond. Don’t worry about Dr Miracle – we’ve just been informed she was a decoy. The real Dr Miracle was kidnapped before her flight left England. You’ll have to search for her…in the enchanted forest.
Bond: The enchanted forest? What do you mean? We’re nowhere near an (he looks up)….enchanted…forest…

The auditorium has faded. The seats and curtains are now large oak trees, hiding the sun. Bond blinks, shakes his head and seems to visibly lose some poise. Felix loses his suit and Carlotta her red dress. Back in their normal clothes (except for Bond), they look around the group for explanation. And spot Eirion. He looks…different.

Jody: I have a robe on.
thenewgirl: What sort of robe?
Jody: One with stars and stuff on it. Hey, do I have a beard?
Steve: Of course you do.
Jody: But I don’t want a beard.
Steve: Fair enough. No beard. You can be Sam Neill’s Merlin.
Jody: Oh God. GIVE ME A BEARD!

COMMERCIAL! New this summer from New Line Cinema and Richard Curtis: Gosh, Absolutely Everything About England Is Super and Pretty, Isn’t It? Starring Hugh Grant and nobody with any self respect.

[SteveD]

Back to the forest. And Eirion explains:

Eirion: You are King Arthur, and this your knight Lancelot. And here, the sorceress Morgana Le Fay.
John: And who are you?
Eirion: I am Merlin the Wise, and you have been slumbering in this elven wood. But we must hurry. Mordred has captured the Lady Guinevere!
Tom: Mordred?
Charlie: That naughty son of mine.
Tom: I thought he was a He-Man villain….

John is terribly confused, having only scattered memories of the previous fantasy.

John: Why was I in a casino? Why am I wearing a suit?
Charlie: (smiling, seeing her chance for revenge for John not telling her anything) Never mind, John. Just some witchery.

And indeed, as they journey on, slowly their clothes are replaced with armour (or robes for Charlie)…although for some reason, John keeps the bow tie. Once again, Tom throws himself into the part and is completely unsurprised when they must cross a bridge guarded by a two-headed troll. Although it is a bit strange that one head is Sir Charles and the other is Lord Talbot.

Tom: ‘Ask me your questions, bridgekeeper, I am not afraid.’
Head One: If the other side you wish to see
Head Two: You must answer our riddles three!
Tom: Wow. That was the most awful poem I have ever heard.
Head One: Hey, we just made it up.
Head Two: Yeah, smartass.

I won’t mention the riddles. They were an attempt to be surrealist and amusing. They might have been the first but they weren’t the latter.

A little while later, they fought a dragon. It was terribly exciting but I’m too tried to retell it. Arthur/Tom and Lancelot/John hacked away at the mighty beast, while Merlin threw fireballs and Charlie used her TK. Soon, they have slain the dragon of Dragon Peak and rode up to the gates of Mordred’s castle. On the way, they discuss how they will gain entry to the mighty keep.

John: I know! Why don’t we make the forest attack the castle?
Merlin: It’s been done.

Then Charlie has an idea. Merlin, Tom and John hid in a nearby grove while Charlie approached the castle alone. Mordred/Talon let his mother enter the gates and she convinced him she had come to join his efforts – and straighten them out for him. Then she used her TK to break the chains on the portcullis, so her fellows could easily get in. Next, she distracted him in his dining hall, trying to poison his drink, while the others knocked out some guards, put on their uniforms and crept in along the battlements – Arthurian ninjas if you will. There was some discussion of the Chewbacca Gambit, which was quite amusing. They got inside the keep before the noise of battle gives them away, and Mordred/Talon dashes his drink in the fire and declares:

Mordred: Damn it, I’m going to kill the queen now!
Tom: (leaping in) No, I don’t think you’ll be doing that.

They have a massive sword fight across the tables, but Mordred/Talon is too slow and too drugged and it isn’t long before Tom cuts his head off. Again. The other three charge downstairs to try and find Miranda, or Guinivere, or whoever. As they run, the castle begins to quake around them, about to collapse. They charge into the dungeon to see a horrible hairy troll (that looks a bit like John’s demon form) manhandling the queen. John charges to the rescue and stabs the beast clean through…at which point the glamour fades and there lies Miranda, with a sword clean through her, dead. Tom comes downstairs and sees John cradling her in his arms, but there’s no time to grieve – the castle is falling down around them! A rock fall closes their way in, but then another cracks the cell wall. They run through and find themselves sliding down the hillside to a lonely beach.

By the time they get there, Miranda isn’t Miranda any more – she’s a serving girl, judging by her apron. On the beach are other slain men, looking vaguely 18th century by their garb. The suits of armour fade – although Eirion still has a robe on. He blinks and looks confused. So do John and Tom. Then Charlie steps forward – red bandanna tight around her head, gold hoop earings dangling, a bright red sash holding her pistol, and a cutlass in her hand.

Charlie: Arr, they got away with the girl. But they’ll rue the day they crossed Captain Scarlett!

A moment later, she spies her ship, the Phoenix, coming into the beach to pick them up. They are, she explains, in pursuit of the blackguard Captain Talon, who has kidnapped Lady Mirabelle, your Lordship’s daughter, and young Master Thomas’ love. But she has sworn to get her back, and she will do so. Talon’s ship has disappeared but once on board Captain Scarlett puts the crew in order, throws three sheets to the wind and heads off in hot pursuit. She also retrieves her monkey, Hebe-Jebe, and puts him back on her shoulder.

Meanwhile, John and Eirion are trying to catch up.

John: Hang on…our fantasies made sense.
Eirion: What do you mean, OUR fantasies? And you were James Bond!
John: I was what?
Captain Scarlett: Angus! Get these men into shape!
There is a pause.
Eirion: Okay, am I Angus or are you Angus?
John: She was looking at both of us.
Eirion: I know.
John: I’ve got an idea. On three, we’ll both say “aye-aye”, together
Eirion: Okay. One, two three:
Together: Aye-aye sir!
Captain Scarlett: What? Lord Talbot, you should best go below.
John: Oh…yes. Of course. I guess you're Angus.
Eirion: (with a sigh) Guess so.

With the privateer vessel cutting through the water at many knots, and skilfully avoiding reconnoitring with a British vessel by raising the plague flag, John and Eirion have a moment to talk again.

John: Is this a dream? Who’s dreaming it?
Eirion: I’ve already pinched Charlie and Charlie’s pinched me…shut up, it just happened!

They wonder if it is Miranda’s dream, and if so, how to wake her. The previous two times they have failed and she was lost again – but what condition do they need to meet to keep her safe? They swear not to let Talon harm her this time. And they will soon have to test that promise, as the lookout (The King of Pain) announces he has spied Talon’s ship, the Phantom, caught in some reefs near yonder island. The Phoenix moves in for the kill.

With some skilful tacking and brilliant seamanship from her captain, the Phoenix takes out the Phantom’s sails. The cannons roar! Wood splinters into sawdust! The cry of dying men fills the air! The Phantom crippled, the boarding hooks soon do the work and a furious sword battle begins. Captain Scarlett is everywhere in the fray, slaying everyone she can reach. Pistols fire and steel clashes. Meanwhile Lord Talbot runs down to the captain’s cabin before Talon can reach the brig. While Eirion grabs the keys to the brig, John engages the enemy – they both draw and square off.

John: (looking at his sword and remember he can’t really sword fight nearly as well as Talon, even if he is a naval captain now) Hmm. How about we settle this in a more manly fashion? With our bare hands?
Talon: What?
John: What’s the matter? Chicken? CHICKEN! Buck buck buck! Plblbblblbt!
Talon: (scowling) RIGHT then (and he drops his sword)

Talon, surprisingly, agrees. Or perhaps not that surprisingly – he immediately punches John in the stomach, throws him over the desk and starts smacking his head over and over into the wooden top. He reaches for his sword to finish the job when Captain Scarlett crashes through the door.

Scarlett: Out of the way, my lord – this is man’s work.

They fight. Talon is the better swordsman however, because Charlie’s natural abilities just aren’t compensating enough. Indeed, it seems at times that the dream blurs and the prentice replaces the pirate. Beaten back against the wall, Talon disarms her. He smiles that snake-like smile they know so well.

Talon: And now it ends, Captain.

COMMERCIAL! Tonight, on the shopping channel: Darrin Brown – Bladder Control.

[SteveD]

Talon: And now it ends, Captain.
John: (stabbing him from behind) Yes, yes it does.

Charlie retrieves her sword and pistol and smiles at Lord Talbot/John.

Charlie: Well done, sir. You fight like a pirate!
John: Er, thank you. Mind if I faint here? (clunk)

Meanwhile, Eirion has reached the brig to find a huge hole blown through the wood, and the ocean washing in. But Eirion spots a figure floating in the water and takes off after her. When the others see him in the ocean, Scarlett immediately loads the longboat and they head off to shore.

By the time they get there, the long boat has become four surfboards. John immediately falls off in spectacular fashion. Tom effortlessly pulls his into the beach, complete with some nice moves. They quickly discover from the beachgoers that Miranda was saved from drowning by resident bad-boy Erick “Talon” Taylor, and went off riding with them. But some people aren’t paying attention yet.

Eirion: (to Charlie) Are you still a pirate?
Charlie: A pirate?
Eirion: (quickly) Never mind.

Tommy puts his letterman jacket back on and runs down to get the others.

Tommy: Erick’s got my best girl Mindy! (to Eirion) Come on, Bull!
John: (realisation finally dawning) Oh God. OH GOD!

As the four leap into Tommy’s keen-o T-Bird, the horror becomes complete. Johnny’s wearing thick glasses and a pocket protector, Bull seems to be getting more muscly and CC is suddenly a lot plainer. They drive off to the local Milk Bar. Girls in rollerskates come out to take their order. Tommy addresses them by name. The others are finding it hard to resist their roles.

Cindy: (flirty) Hiya there, Bull. What kin I gitchya?
Eirion: “Duh, I’ll have a cherry coke” (back to English accent) – what the hell?!?

Cindy tells Tommy that Erick and his gang – the Swords – have taken Miranda up to Dead Man’s Plunge to drag race and make out. But before Tommy can give chase, he is waylaid by Charity – or rather Dee Dee, his little sister. She connives her way into coming along to Dead Man’s Plunge, and the gang take off. Along the way, Tommy is bobbing his head in true 1950’s beach movie fashion (and you’ll just have to imagine that but Ade did it BRILLIANTLY).

In the back, the other three swap notes. They fill each other in on their fantasies and realise they’ve all previously had dreams, and this is Tom’s. But what is the point? What do they need to do?

Charlie: Why are we here?
Tommy: That’s a silly question. We’re here cos our families moved here when our dads got jobs at the nuclear power plant!

It seems that every time, Miranda is in danger, but whatever they do, she dies. Last time they kept her well out of things, but she was carried away anyway. Maybe, they posture, to break the cycle she has to actually rescue herself?

All too soon they’re at Dead Man’s Plunge. While Talon and Tommy bluster, Charlie tries her theory of convincing Mindy to stand up for herself, but Mindy seems kind of dumb.

Charlie: Oh great, Mindy’s an airhead.
Eirion: Of course she is, it’s Tom’s fantasy!

But something she says seems to get through. The boys are fighting over who gets Mindy, but, says Charlie, surely Mindy gets to make that choice? And Mindy bites her lip the way Miranda always does and defiance starts to creep across her face. But it’s too late, because Talon has dared Tommy to a race for the girl. He goes to grab Mindy to take her with him, but she pulls away. So he simply gives her what he thinks is a dashing look, and leaps into a black T-Bird. And the race is ON!

The two cars hurtle down the dusty hillside towards the hair-pin bend that will swing them back towards the leap over Dead Man’s Plunge, to the finish line on the other side. Lots of cars make it, they say. But you gotta be going fast. Rubber burns. Meanwhile, the others comfort Mindy who realises this is all her fault and they’ve got to stop before somebody gets hurt – especially Tommy. And if Tommy dies in the dream, while they’re in it…and even if he lives, this might be their only chance to stop the dream from iterating again. Miranda might be able to save the day.

But how, they wonder as they rush down the slope to get in front of the cars as they roar at top speed towards Dead Man’s Plunge – how can they make Tommy stop? He’d have to stop, says Eirion, if Dee Dee was still in the car. And what do you know, suddenly she IS still in the car, curled up asleep on some jackets.

The five friends stand at the side of the road, screaming for Tommy to stop, that Dee Dee is in the car. The cars get closer and closer, screaming towards that deadly jump. They are neck and neck – Tommy would be winning if Talon hadn’t cut up his car with his wheel spikes – and jostling for position. Talon smirks at Tommy, assured of victory. Tommy slams down the accelerator – then spies Miranda yelling to him about Dee Dee. Behind her, the others are waving two letterman jackets, each of which luckily have a big D on them (for Dune Hills High School).

He jerks his head around and sees his sister, and realises all this racing is dangerous and stupid. He slams on the brakes hard. The car skids and screeches, churning up dust, until finally stopping with one tire hanging over the edge of Dead Man’s Plunge. A moment later, Talon’s car hits the jump, with Talon braying with mocking laughter. But only for a moment, for he fails to make the jump and his T-bird crashed into the rocks below and explodes. A moment later, a hubcap rolls out of the explosion.

Mindy rushes to Tommy’s side and they have a tearful reunion.

Mindy: Oh Tommy! I should never have let you do this!
Tommy: Oh Mindy, I’ll never let you go again!

And everyone looks for the barf bags.

But things aren’t over. Suddenly, the figure of Talon – leather jacket smoking – comes rising up the hill, a fiery anger in his eyes. The leather jacket drops to reveal Talon in his silver armour, a sword replacing the switchblade. The gang are too stunned to move. But then the expression changes to petulance and the image fades again, to reveal a smaller, hairier horned figure – Robin Goodfellow, himself, it would seem. Here being played by Gary Oldman.

“Fie!” he says, angrily. “It’s no fun if you will not play the game! If you do not try and fight and die!”

They demand to know what he wants with them. He smiles and says oh nothing, he just a few offending shadows to gain a little revenge on them for killing his master – to let them suffer failure after failure, forever, in their dreams. But it won’t work if they don’t try to succeed, or the maiden doesn’t need to be saved any more. Puck promises them, however, that they have not seen the last of him – he will return again to further make amends ere long – else Puck a liar call. For now though, he must be going – goodnight unto you all!

And in a puff of smoke and a echoing laugh, he is gone.

John: Wow. Talon was his master? Talon was Oberon?
Fay: Yes.

For she is indeed there, at the hand of her father, The King of Grass (Peter O’Toole) and with half the summer court. Only her father is wearing a business shirt and smoking a pipe, and Fay looks like Sandra Dee, complete with domestic apron, which doesn’t really sit on her very well.

Her father steps forward and says that he hopes you kids have learnt a valuable lesson from all this. But nobody got hurt, so we’ll say no more about it – although he will have a long talk with that Robin boy when he gets his hands on him. Eventually, though, the 1950’s dialect gives way to the king’s more traditional way of speaking. He explains that Talon’s body has been laid to rest, and his servant will be rounded up and punished suitably. And with that, he hopes that the fighting between mortals and elves will come to an end. Those who followed Talon’s violent movement have been quelled and appeased. The elves promise to fade from the world without breaking their covenant.

King of Grass: And to make a new covenant…I believe you mortals have a new gesture….

And he extends his hand. Tom takes it, and they shake firmly. The King smiles and the court cheers. Then the King continues, motioning his daughter to step forward.

King of Grass: And to further cement this new covenant between our blood, I hereby give my blessing to the wedding of my daughter, to this mortal male, who bears the name of John. (Fay takes John’s arm and smiles)
John: What?
King of Grass: May their union be a symbol of the goodwill between our worlds. May their love blossom as our friendship does, and may all our blessings fall on the child they have created.

And Fay drops her other arm, revealing a very pregnant stomach. John’s mouth gapes open. Only a tiny squeak of shock comes out.

BLACK OUT.

Credits.

GRR ARG zombie goes “dadda dadda” in a baby voice.

[SteveD]

How this effect was achieved:

In each dream, the "dreamer" was handed a piece of paper explaining who they thought they were. Everybody else had to just infer it from what was going on.

It was a lot of fun, and I got to do a lot of genres I'd been itching to do for years.

And Col never saw that ending coming. He was sitting still for at least five minutes, just staring.

I feel validated by that. :)

[Craig Oxbrow]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Ahahahahaaaaa!

[Varyar]

And Fay drops her other arm, revealing a very pregnant stomach. John’s mouth gapes open. Only a tiny squeak of shock comes out.

BLACK OUT.

Credits.

GRR ARG zombie goes “dadda dadda” in a baby voice.

:eek:

Damn.

[happyelf]

Hooray!

I was going to tape this but I decided to wait for the dvd.

[Burgonet]

Anohter young life destroyed by the horrors of teenage pregnancy.

The moral of the story: Even it's with a faery, use a condom.

[Mengtzu]

Capital!

[colbabe]

And they will soon have to test that promise, as the lookout (The King of Pain) announces he has spied Talon’s ship, the Phantom, caught in some reefs near yonder island.
And that was the cheapest guest appearance evar. Do you realise how much it costs to get Sam Elliott for even five seconds these days? Goddamn agents and their royalties... :mad:
The cannons roar! Wood splinters into sawdust! The cry of dying men fills the air!
Steve showed us a portion of Master and Commander to back up his narrative. Truly awesome.
John: (looking at his sword and remember he can’t really sword fight nearly as well as Talon, even if he is a naval captain now) Hmm. How about we settle this in a more manly fashion? With our bare hands?
I remember now - I also wanted all bladed weapons far, far away from Miranda, just in case there was a repeat episode of her getting run through. I knew there was another reason for it...

[colbabe]

And Col never saw that ending coming. He was sitting still for at least five minutes, just staring.

I feel validated by that. :)
Y'know, it was one of those moments where I reflected back on the events of 2.6 Keeping Up Appearances (http://forum.rpg.net/showpost.php?p=2186102&postcount=54), and I'd actually thought at the time, "Did we use protection, I wonder? Oh well, doesn't matter." Ah, such bittersweet irony. Thoroughly, thoroughly pwn3d.

Plus, my mind was projecting forward, trying to think of all the really cool stuff that would be happening in Series 3 as a result. :D

Thanks again Steve for such an excellent game.

[SteveD]

I thought I'd given the game away when Sir Charles asked about "fraternisation".

And yes, kids at home: ALWAYS wear a condom! Especially when bedding fairy princesses.

[colbabe]

Nah, that wasn't clue enough for me. I just thought that the Oxford walls might have had better ears than I originally thought.

[SteveD]

Neat.

Bumped for Peter LaCara and other fans. In case they missed it.

[thePill]

Wowee Zowee! I really liked that wrap-up, do I have to read the last episode again for symbolic stuff that may appear in future installments of the program?

[SteveD]

Yeah, there IS symbolism hidden in that episode. A few little hints of some secrets which may or may not come out.

[SteveD]

Yeah, there IS symbolism hidden in that episode. A few little hints of some secrets which may or may not come out.

Cripes, I forgot that. I better go back and remind myself what they are.

And by the way....I'm necroing this thread cos, well...TNW is coming back.

Oh yes.

[dalziel_86]

Ooh, be sure to PM me when the thread for the 'off-season special' goes up. :D

[Craig Oxbrow]

Ooh, be sure to PM me when the thread for the 'off-season special' goes up. :D
/me whistles

[dalziel_86]

/me whistles
/me pokes you with an irate koala tied to a stick :p

[eirionlewis]

Hello all

Daft as it sounds, who is Eirion? what inspired his genesis?

I am the daft Welsh country boy (albeit 40 years old now).

I'd love to know more.

Thanks in advance

Croeso

Eirion

[eirionlewis]

Oh and I realise it's about 5 years since anyone posted on this

[colbabe]

Holy crap, it's been five years. Wow. So much has happened in between the end of that and now. We've been obsessing with WHFRP and D&D3.0 since then...

[Craig Oxbrow]

Holy crap, it's been five years. Wow. So much has happened in between the end of that and now. We've been obsessing with WHFRP and D&D3.0 since then...

Yeah. My visit in 2005 was meant to be the start of season three. You slackers! :p

[colbabe]

I'll say. Although the WHFRP game was awesome. :)

[Craig Oxbrow]

I'll say. Although the WHFRP game was awesome. :)

So you say. We've seen scant evidence of its awesomeness in Actual Play form. :p

[colbabe]

Oooh... OK then. Here's the Empire In Flames (http://au.geocities.com/colinwsmith/eif/) raw session transcriptions for episodes 3 and 4, plus the draft comic covers for the first four eps. Knock yourself out. ;)

And yes, one day I'll get around to transcribing (and comic covering) the other eps.

[Jody Macgregor]

Hello all

Daft as it sounds, who is Eirion? what inspired his genesis?

I am the daft Welsh country boy (albeit 40 years old now).

I'd love to know more.

Thanks in advance

Croeso

Eirion
I played Eirion. The name came from a Phil Rickman book called A Crown Of Lights and the basic idea for him was inspired by Buffy-ising Phil Rickman's stories about spooky villages on the Welsh border like Crybbe. Being Australian, we were probably all mispronouncing your name horribly, for which I apologise.

[Craig Oxbrow]

My work here is done. :)

(And I probably got the pronunciation wrong too.)

[SteveD]

Like Batman, this topic is just too big to think about.

[dalziel_86]

Like Batman, this topic is just too big to think about.
Like Batman, Eirion's parents are dead. Perhaps this is a connection we should have explored more.