[Actual Play] The Night Watch, Series Two, Thread Three

[SteveD]

I think we're up to the third thread. I'll link the others in soonish. Here's the prologue for episode 2.9 When I Was A Boy


The elegant, athletic figure glowed with restrained rage as he paced the woodland glade. The frost-hardened grass crunched beneath his feet, sounding like gnashing teeth. Poetic observers would have been reminded of a caged tiger. More accurate viewers would have recalled an imminent nuclear explosion.
“You said it yourself, my Lord. Over Midwinter, the Queen’s reach is strong, and the Princess no doubt raised the alarm.”
“Oh yes.”
“So why do we not lie low? Why do we harry?”
“We harry, kinsman, because we can do nothing else. These…vermin…” – he spat the word with such hate it was as if it burned his tongue to voice it - “have my sword.” He paused for a second as visible rage cross his face. “Our sword. They make no obeisance to the Old Ways, nor to us. They insult us with every breath they take. By their very existence, they spit upon us.” He whirled on his interlocutor. “Are you going to let them spit on you, cousin? Can you bear that insult?” The questioned figure was forced to look down under that withering gaze.
“I can not. I will not. True, as you say, we cannot act directly at this moment. But they will be absent over Midwinter. Far away. And we can use an agent that she will never be able to track. A puck perhaps. Yes, a puck. To play games with them. To hurt them. Spill some blood. Make them taste the nature of my displeasure even to the other end of the earth.”
“Yes, a puck would be perfect. Or a neiblung. Or…” and here he broke out laughing. It was a sound without mirth, like steel shattering on stone. “Oh, that is perfect. So perfect. Oh, you mortals, how wonderful you are.”
“Who, my Lord? Who will you send?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he simply stared at the decorated shop window, still visible through the trees to his falcon-vision, and smiled a smile even darker than his black eyes. To himself, he murmured an ancient song of warning – a warning that humans had long since forgotten to heed:


“You better watch out…”

[SteveD]

“Sooty is not a ninja!”

“Your mongoose is extendable?”
“Of course. Isn’t yours?”

The first and last big OOC gags of this session, and it was a session rife with OOC gags. Probably too rife – the plot was too loose, we had five again, and I didn’t have a great character for Scott, and hijinks were in the air because we watched a MST3K episode before we started (Red Zone Cuba). Which was all good fun (I was laughing so hard by the end I hurt my diaphragm) but I think we could use some more focus again. But anyway….

Our heroes:
John: Very posh first-in-line to a lordship. Mourning his cousin Eddie, who is also his half-brother. Turns into a choralisk demon at full moon. Just found out his girlfriend is a fairy princess.
Tom: Lackadaisical American just trying to drift through Watcherhood and Oxford, but now possesses a magical demon-slaying sword and a kind of possessive magical girlfriend
Eirion: Poor Welsh farm boy who escaped from a demonic past and wants to be more than just poor or demonic. Getting quite good at magic, much to his teacher’s disapproval.
Charlie: The new girl, Indian, gorgeous, bright, but still trying to fit into this boy’s club and their old wounds. Has variable telekinesis, an Electra complex and a problematic love life.
Pru: Their Invigilator.

2.9 When I Was A Boy…

Cutscene intro as above, then...


We join our heroes lounging in Pru’s flat in London on a late December morn, still recouperating from arresting Jack the Ripper and letting an evil succubus get away - and reading their post. John’s father writes to tell his son that things aren’t good for him to come this Christmas, but his present is attached (“My present is an attachment? I hate the modern age!”). Charlie’s mum calls to say she can’t come as there’s a sudden fashion show going on in Milan. Eirion gets a letter from Charity and Terrence (including a didgeridoo). Tom gets a letter from his parents inviting him to come over if he wants, as it will be good frequent flier miles for his business account. Of course, the gang were planning to spend Christmas with Pru…but a second later she bundles in with her cases, empties them and starts filling them again. Turns out there’s an emergency Watcher symposium in Stockholm because Mr Giles has reported that the CIA are meddling with watcher business again, in Sunnydale. Big conference needed to decide on new policy. So no Christmas with Pru. Or, as Tom put it:

“The CIA ruined Christmas!”

CREDITS!

[SteveD]

Without much choice, the gang decide to saddle up and head to Tom’s family estate in Maine. At the Bangor airport, Tom’s older, tougher brother Mark (Mark Wahlberg) greets them with a sign saying “British Dudes”. On the way to the big house, they get to arguing about the best way to go, and don’t see Stephen King walking his dog. There’s a crunch as he is comically run over.

The place is a lavish Edwardian house build in the early 18th century and reclaimed in the last thirty years or so. The massive entry and lounge are bedecked in wreaths and banners and candles, and Bing Crosby croons A Winter Wonderland from the stereo. They get rushed in and hugged by Tom’s mother Margaret (Stockard Channing) and introduce themselves to her, and to his father Robert (Gene Hackman), and then to everybody else – there’s about 25 relatives in the house (and I made a random table to see who they encountered). John starts by talking to Kortney (15), Tom’s cousin on his dad’s side, who just wants to talk rapid-fire about everything, particularly if it is true whether “English guys are all like, really horny”. Eirion gets faith-healed by crazy cousin Joshua, the Jesus-Freak. Charlie gets bailed up by Duncan (age 10) and his playstation, then intercepted by bitch-queen Grandma Lauren (Lauren Bacall):

Lauren: So, are you dating my grandson?
Charlie: uh…no. He’s dating my roommate.
Lauren: So where is she?
Charlie: She couldn’t come…
Lauren: Ah, so you’re the second-stringer, then? The reserve?
Charlie: uh…
Lauren: So why aren’t you dating my grandson?
Charlie: uh…
Lauren: What’s wrong with him? Handsome young lad, I would have thought.
C: Nothing
L: So why aren’t you dating him?
C: uh, I have a boyfriend, I’m dating Alan Lourdes, the actor
L: Hmm. And he doesn’t mind you being a half-caste?
C: Actually, I’m Indian.
L: Oh, wonderful. If we get attacked by cowboys, you’ll know just what to do!

Clinton (age four) grabs Charlie and wipes jam all over his pants, but John scoops him up and plays Spiderman with him. Meanwhile, Mark and Duncan are throwing the pigskin and having a heated argument about who would win in a fight, Spiderman or Superman:

Mark: He would throw him into the sun!
Duncan: No, no, cos he would use his webs and stop from falling in!
Mark: What’s he gonna do? Web up the SUN?

Eirion is now being bored by Robert about how good the trucking business is, and how he built the old family name up from nothing. The old family were here back in the 18th century, when Mad Uncle Rupert built the house, quite the eccentric he was, but then the family fell on bad times. John ends up with mad Aunt Dot, Robert’s aunt, Jim’s sister. Jim is deaf (Tom is shouting to him about Oxford in the corner) and Dot is doddering and John has to explain many times who he is.

Aunt Dot: I’m not related to you, am I?
John (very patiently): No, I’m Tom’s friend
Dot: Tom Evelyn’s eldest or Tom Robert’s son?
Col, breaking character: I don’t know, you’ve got the family tree!

Eventually, Tom excuses himself from his smothering mother and pulls his friends to safety outside. They move their stuff into the servants quarters. Mark follows, talking about Tom’s “football” scholarship and generally being a macho superior asshole.

Charlie: Is there something wrong with your brother?
Tom: Yeah, he had a football accident in high school
Mark: Hey, my pecker’s working just fine now, thanks!

They head back in for presents – for the very first time, Tom is being allowed to stay up for “grown-up presents” on Christmas Eve (kid presents are done the following morning), despite his mother’s protestations that he’s still her little boy. As they march into the lounge under the mistletoe, Charlie kisses Tom, and John, and Eirion, and then spots Mark on the end of the line. She smiles and ducks inside quickly. He is deflated. Especially since Tom’s not dating her, so he has a clean shot, as he already said quite loudly.

As gifts are exchanged among the group, and to the parents (only Charlie remembered to bring a gift for Tom’s parents, the others quickly go “oh, those are from all of us”), Santa arrives (Brian Blessed). He’s terribly jolly and a little drunk, having a quick feel of Dallas and even young Kortney who is naughtily out of bed. He hands out lollies and sweets to all, making jokes all the while, and asking everyone if they’ve been naughty or nice. It’s all good fun.

The gang then retire to their rooms, and spend a while looking for the secret compartments:
Eirion: Where are all the hidden weapons?
John: No, this is America. All the weapons are out in the open.

Eventually, the boys go to bed. Early next morning, the sun rises over the soft white snowy landscape and a very excited Eirion leaps out of bed. Of course he’s excited! It’s Christmas day, he’s sleeping over at Tom’s and he’s eleven years old!

COMMERCIAL! Coming soon: Maggie Smith, Miriam Margoyles and Jane Horrocks in Terry Pratchett’s Witches Three: the live-action series! Lawks!

[SteveD]

Eirion wakes his friends (also aged eleven), and they get into their snow gear and run outside for a snowball fight. Charlie watches and throws a few – why did Tom’s mom make him invite a gurl anyway? – and John is dismissive:

John: That is SO immature...
(He gets hits square in the face with a snowball. He looks cross. Then he immediately starts building a fort and stockpiling ammo)

Tom gets snowzored by his older brother Mark (15) – he is pinned down and snow is shovelled into his pants. At which point his mother comes out and yells at him not to ruin his pants. Tom blames Mark. Mark parries by suggesting Tom has wet his pants. John busts up. Charlie busts up. Mrs Brooks just shakes her head and tells them to get inside for presents.

As they move to go, John gets a quizzical look in his eye.
John: Hang on….does something about this seem a little odd?
Tom: Nope
John: Cool. Let’s go get presents!

John gets a complete set of Tolkein, his very first (sort of). Charlie gets a new bridle and a new rifle, so she can go hunting with daddy. Tom gets a new sled, Mark a new football helmet. Eirion gets…a puppy. Patches Mark 2. Mrs Brooks tells them to share. Charlie happens to be pointing the gun at the dog when she says “Oh, sure, I’ll share MY toys”

Then Mrs Brooks sends them out to play while she gets every else off to church – but they are not allowed to get dirty before they leave! Which leads Tom and Eirion to have the kewlest idea – if they get dirty, they won’t have to go to church at all!

The four boys and Charlie race through the woods, yelling and shouting and re-enacting the War of Independence, only with mud bombs and stick muskets. None of them notice the half-crippled form of Stephen King shuffing through the woods quietly calling for help – until a mud bomb hits him in the face and knocks him down a sharp incline into a deep gully, screaming all the way. After a while, the fun wanes:

John: “I’m bored, can we play the Falklands now?”

But they do indeed get out of going to church. Everyone is going to be punished, except Charlie, because she smiles her smile and is such a good girl. But Mrs Brooks has things to do, because Mrs Willis from down the way has just arrived, distraught – her two children didn’t come back from carolling last night. So Mark is left in charge again (despite Tom’s protests) and the boys are told to stay close and NOT GO IN THE WOODS. But as soon as she’s gone, they play up again, with John and Mark trying to Stink Palm each other. So Charlie asks Mark to show her the gun collection, and Tom and Eirion ditch stupid nerdy John and go back to the woods. John goes and reads a book.

(One nice thing about this group is it splits so nicely into pairs for dramatic conversations and splitting off to do cool things. In the first series, we started with a Tom/Eirion group (both outsiders) and a John/Eddie group (they were cousins). Then, for no clear reason, Eddie and Eirion bonded (the two rebels) and John and Tom linked up a lot (the two clowns, and the two romantics). This series, we’ve had – although a bit skewed with the five for a while, and Miranda and Fay but we returned to the steady state - Eirion and Charlie bonding (both rebellious, both magical) and Tom and John (both dating, not each other), but now we’re getting a whole new John and Charlie link (both had unhappy childhoods and are ignored by their parents still, more on this later) in contrast to Tom and Eirion (both had fairly happy childhoods), something which came out of this ep, completely unexpectedly. There’s also an emerging John/Eirion bond now as both of them want revenge for Eddie….)

Somewhere in the middle of everyone punching each other and calling people gaybos, Tom and Eirion stumble onto something cool in the woods. They pick it up and poke at it and then realised it’s a child’s arm, recently severed and still in the parka sleeve.

COMMERCIAL!


(This is all I got done at work today - 2000 words is a lot! - more to come tonight I hope)

[thenewgirl]

Good so far!!
:D


(Except the getting dirty to miss out on church was Charlie's idea!)

[happyelf]

YAYYYYYY

[dalziel_86]

I had so much fun remembering the kind of insults I used when I was eleven that I didn't want to stop. There's a gift for combining rude words in completely absurd but still insulting ways that you somehow lose at a certain age.

I think 'rodmuncher' was my favourite, though remembering that once upon a time calling someone a 'gaybo' was a common insult was nostalgia-tastic. :)

[Craig Oxbrow]

Gladness.

[Gavin Lucan]

YAY!!!! More TNW!!!!!! WOO!!!!!!!

[Burgonet]

The actual conversation between Mark and the brat was a little longer, with one of those lovely wind ups of escalation.

And raising of voices. I kept referring to Marcus as 'Marky Mark' (hence giving the character a decent and believable first name ;) ) but I was more trying voicewise for Chet from Weird Science.

Being 15 and infantile was fun again.
As opposed to being 33 and infantile.

;)

PS. Fear me Bakula! I am coming for j00!!

[dalziel_86]

Originally posted by SALette
PS. Fear me Bakula! I am coming for j00!!
Count Bakula has nothing to fear from j00!

[Burgonet]

Originally posted by dalziel_86
Count Bakula has nothing to fear from j00!

I'll hurl you into the Sun, Spiderman!!

joo cannot web ALL of the Sun!!!

[Jody Macgregor]

Originally posted by SteveD
Or, as Tom put it:

“The CIA ruined Christmas!”

That was Eirion's joke. Grrrrrrr!

[SteveD]

Look, just assume every quote is misattributed, okay? It's just easier.

From now on: I write down who said what, I promise.

[Craig Oxbrow]

I find putting the PC's initials next to the quote helps. Of course, after a while all the Ms and Zs get rather sloppy. :)

[SteveD]

Yeah, I'm just glad that we no longer have Eddie and Eirion...

And you Backula Street Boys - stop making such a racket!

We return to find Tom and Eirion arguing about what to do with the arm. Eirion gives it to Patches and goes “Seek!”. Patches thinks the bone tastes pretty good and starts eating it. Mark, meanwhile, has left the house to go fishing and is spying on them, and nabs the arm with his fishing rod. The boys and dog give chase. The combination of dog and fishing rod snaps the arm in a few places, prompting Tom to utter the immortal line: “What did you do to it, you rodmuncher?”

Back at the house, Charlie is grabbing as many guns as she can carry. Then she finds John and they go looking for the others – they’ll probably be with Patches.

Charlie: Whistle for the dog.
John: (after many failed attempts) How about I hum for the dog?

Eventually they stumble onto the boys arguing about who is and isn’t a rodmuncher and poking the arm. John asks what they’re looking at. He massively fails his fear roll and goes running screaming and crying into the woods, the others running after him. John’s random steps bring him out into a clearing, surprising Tom’s dad who hides something behind his back. Five hysterical children babble about what’s going on.

John: It’s an arm an arm ewww I wanna go home!!
Tom: I didn’t do it! Mark did it!
Mark: No, it was that weird little Welsh guy! His dog ate it!

Then a few of them try to explain that they are Watchers and can help out. This makes even less sense and causes others to shush them and tell them not to talk about their secret crime club. Tom’s dad keeps desperately trying to get them to leave the clearing and go back to the house, but they keep refusing and babbling on and on. So finally he shoves his bundle under a tree, shoves the arm under his arm and drags them all back to the house. In the chaos, Charlie slips back and examines the bundle – candles, robes, powder, and an amulet, the last of which she nicks.

Charlie grabs Eirion and they head to the library. Charlie has remembered that something isn’t right and starts looking up magic which turns people into children. Eirion thinks she’s a bit thick because he’s looking up spooky amulets. Tom and John lock themselves in Tom’s room to get away from Mark, who is being a total jerk. John is twigging, and digs out Tom’s Oxford enrolment papers. Tom doesn’t care because he is shouting through the door about how gay Mark is, how he can’t come in and how he’s telling. Mark bashes open the door anyway but before he can do anything, Tom’s mother calls from downstairs:

Mrs Brooks: Tom, there’s someone on the phone for you! It’s a girl…
Tom: Coming!
John: Oh I bet it’s your GIRLFRIEND
Mark: You have a girlfriend? That is SO gay!

(yeah, we stole it, shoot us)

Tom’s brain is somewhat addled and decides his girl Miranda must be 11 like him, since they go to school together. But then the woman on the phone doesn’t sound anything like her.

Miranda: How’s your Christmas? Mine’s –
Tom: Who are you?
M: Miranda, Tom. Your girlfriend.
T: You don’t sound like my girlfriend.
M: You sound funny too, is the line bad?
T: Are you sure you’re my girlfriend?
M: Yes, dammit, Tom, I actually really need to talk to you -
T: You sound like a grown-up. Who are you?
M: Tom, what are you doing? Is this some kind of game?
T: No! I just don’t know who you are
M: God, you just don’t get it, do you?
T: NO! Exactly!
M: Look, just forget it, okay? Just forget it. <slam>

The strangeness of gurls does not weigh heavily on Tom’s mind, so he rejoins the gang in the library and resumes his argument with Mark.

T: You suck so much!
M: You ultra suck!
T: You ultra mega suck!
John: Call him a singularity!
M: You suck like a vacuum!
T: You suck so hard your ass is in your own mouth!
John: Yeah, you singularity! Singularity!
M: Dude, that is so gay!

Eirion has found out that the amulet is from an ancient witch cult from the 17th century, thought lost since the Salem witch trials. Strangely, there are lots and lots of books on this cult in this small library. Charlie finds a turn-of-the-century poem about adults turning into children on Christmas Day, but it’s very cheesy. Somewhere in this, they also start arguing about whose family is cooler. This is just an approximation of these arguments because I really couldn’t tell what was going on in all the yelling

Charlie: My family is the richest of all and we have lots of horses and -
John: I have a horse too And my daddy is a lord. My family is the most noblest in England.
Charlie: Well my daddy is a lord too and he loves me, he’s just busy!
John: We have grounds and a huuuge house!
Charlie: We have three houses, one in London and one in Paris and -
John: We have servants and everything and land and -
Eirion: Hey, my family owns like a whole village!
John: SHUT UP! Your family KILLED EDDIE!

Throughout this, Charlie has been trying to get everyone to look at the stuff she and Eirion have found out, but nobody will listen. So she drags Eirion into the corridor outside the library, pushes him up against the wall and gives him his first kiss. Then something clicks in Eirion’s mind as he realises that wasn’t actually his first kiss at all.

Of course, all this chaos brings Mr Brooks into the library. He immediately starts lecturing everybody because they’re not allowed in the library and look at all the mess they’ve made. Needing more time to research, and knowing they’re about to be totally grounded, Charlie takes a drastic action. She picks up a priceless wedgewood vase and smashes it over Mr Brooks’ head. He’s out cold.


There is a pause.

Then Tom (John?) says “Wow, that was so cool!”

COMMERCIAL! Buy the new Eirion doll, complete with Hellhound Patches! With real black-pupil action! Horse sold separately.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Originally posted by SteveD
Tom’s brain is somewhat addled and decides his girl Miranda must be 11 like him, since they go to school together. But then the woman on the phone doesn’t sound anything like her.
...
M: God, you just don’t get it, do you?
T: NO! Exactly!
M: Look, just forget it, okay? Just forget it. (slam)
Oh dear.

And now I have to make the Ziggy action figure with black-eye action too...

[SteveD]

The gang compare notes. John goes through Mr Brooks’ pockets and finds a piece of paper describing a ritual. A quick read reveals that the ritual in the woods is designed to make the rivers give up their fish in great numbers. It’s a fishing spell. It’s got nothing to do with turning into kids. They turn back to the poem, which tells of some boring old mean adults who meet a mischeivous winter elf who turns them into kids. They go iceskating and learn to hold their childhoods in their hearts each christmas. Eirion keeps pointing out that Santa is an elf, but nobody listens. Charlie decides to go to the source, and rings Pru in Stockholm.

Pru: How’s your Christmas?
Charlie: Oh, just great. We’re stuck in the middle of nowhere, a million miles from home, and I’m ELEVEN.

Pru’s a bit tiddly (a common factor at Watcher dinners) but says it’s probably some kind of elven enchantment or trick, laid upon them during the night. It would make sense given their recent activities, and it fits with Santa legends. She happens to be on a table with an expert in solstice myths, will call back.

The gang reconvene, taking care to lock Mark out. So the spell-casting stuff was a red herring, and everything is about the poem. John tries to hold childhood in his heart, first by sighing a lot, then by encouraging everyone to be really immature, and so more insult slinging and slap fights ensue. This doesn’t work (but is fun). Someone points out that if it has something to do with Santa, it might have something to do with the Santa from last night, who gave them all something to eat. So was it? Tom, getting his memory back and enjoying the Agatha Christiness, declares “Aha! Let us go to the accusing room!”. John’s photographic memory clicks in – who was absent when Santa arrived?

Answer: nobody.

They go ask Mrs Brooks who hired the Santa. She is desperately trying to run the house and get Eirion to talk to the police, and is currently dealing with Mark who is complaining about Tom locking him out, which leads to this exchange:

Mrs Brooks: Where’s Eirion?
Mark: Who?
Mrs Brooks: You know. The weird little Welsh guy.

Mrs Brooks doesn’t know who hired the Santa, obviously her husband got someone from the village. As John helps Mr Brooks come to (and Mark goes round outside) he also confesses not to know who hired Santa, presumably his wife arranged it. Mark bangs on the window and tells them he’s gonna get them. Everyone distracts Mr Brooks and leads him into the hallway. He demands to know what’s going on.

So John cries. He cries like an expert. He screams and blubs and makes everybody desperately want him to shut up. He earns a DP. He runs and clings to Mrs Brooks and explains that a burglar is in the house and he knocked Mr Brooks on his head and even now is probably escaping through the window. At just that moment, Mark breaks the library window to get to Tom. The ruse works perfectly. Charlie suggests that the way the burglar got in and learnt the layout was sneaking in as Santa last night. The adults realise it wasn’t someone they knew. The cops (there for the arm) immediately give chase. They spring through to the library, out the window and spread out across the grounds, hunting down the rogue Santa.

All of which empties the house nicely so the gang can go to the study and call Pru on the speaker phone. They explain things:

John: Tom’s father was using magic to improve his fortunes and prosperity…
Mark: Was not!
John: Was too!

Mark butts in
Pru: Who am I talking to?
Mark: I’m Mark, I’m Tom’s elder brother!
Tom: Also, he’s a dickwad.

Pru explains that her source is very knowledgable about the poem. Apparently, it’s based on a true incident.

Charlie: Who is your source?
Pru: He’s one of the few people in the world who knows the truth about Santa.

(and the whole group busts up. I wish I could give myself drama points…)

Turns out Santa is a nasty little elf who loves to play tricks on people. When not turning adults into kids, he (as he did when he was an old winter god) demands tribute or he devours children. Weaknesses? Apparently he can be killed by the sound of church bells. Charlie asks if a recording will work. Pru verbally rolls her eyes and explains that this is just legend, not scientific rigour.

But now they have a shot. And it’s time to equip. They raid Mr Brooks’ desk. John already has his keys from when he picked his pockets. Tom grabs his gun from the drawer. Charlie looks around and says

“We’re gonna need more guns to kill Santa”

Begin a wonderful kitting-up montage. All the pistols and rifles from the gun club. Tom and his sword. Eirion brings Patches. Charlie brings walkie-talkies. The guys are convinced cookies and milk tribute will also help them, so Tom loads a bandolier with Oreos (and only snacking on a few) while John fills his waterpistols with milk.

(Which prompts an OOC conversation:
Me: Waterpistols with milk? Haven’t we done this before?
Jody: That was cream.
Col: And supersoakers
Ade: Yes! Supersoakers and cream – waterpistols and milk – they’re COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS!
Me: Oh yeah. It’s a whole new genre.)

For similar reasons, Mark brings beer. For violence reasons, he wears his grid iron armour and carries a baseball – the symbolic raiment of the American Warrior. Tom puts on his bike helmet. Finally, the five stand proud in the hall – loaded down with armour, guns, swords, knives, walkie talkies, grappling hooks, a telescope, some sandwiches, a compass, some lucky rabbits feet and more. There is a heroic pause for the camera. Tom utters a battle cry: “Let’s Get Santa”. Then slowly but surely, they all topple over from the weight.

COMMERCIAL! Buy New Ninja Shower Gel! Stabs your pores without you feeling a thing!

[Peter LaCara]

Glee!

[SteveD]

Forgot to say: Charlie tapes a CD player to her chest, running a constant repeat of a lead-in to Ding Dong Merrily on High. And John takes a cooler bin, for reasons unexplained as yet.

The gang push past the chaos of the house (past Kortney who is being faith-healed by Uncle Joshua, and Dallas and Felyce with colic and mad auntie Dot) and go steal Tom’s dad’s SUV. They all get in. John assures them he remembers how to drive. Then he bunny hops everywhere. As he manages to roar it out the driveway, Mr Brooks stumbles from the house and presumes the worst:

Mr Brooks: Hey! Call the cops! Santa’s stealing my car!

The gang drive into the woods, arguing about strategy – do they go to church or simply cruise the woods? Do they hunt the Santa or build an elaborate Santa trap using milk and cookies? Charlie throws Oreos out the window in the hope of luring him out. They don’t notice one hit Stephen King in the face, just as he climbs out of the gully. He falls the other way, slides down a rise and lands on a rough track. He smiles with triumph – has he finally found a way out of the woods? Nope – the SUV runs him over a second later.

John: What was that?

Then Charlie spots it – smoke rising in the distance. They close in on a small cottage, its chimney smoking. They step out of the car. Tom cocks his dad’s Tom Clancy gun-nut special optional extra automatic and looks scowly and tough.

Tom: Time to find out who’s been naughty and who’s been nice.

Eirion bravely knocks on the door…then runs away. Santa opens the door – the same jolly old fellow from last night.

Santa: Hmm, I though I heard something. Mayhap some neighbourhood children playing a merry jape on –
Ade: I shoot him. I put a cap in his jolly ass.

Unfortunately, despite all the extras on his gun (or because of them), he fires wild and almost breaks his hand. The bullet goes pinging off into the stratosphere. Somewhere in the distance, Stephen King has flagged down a passing car…when he gets shot in the back.

Charlie presses play, revealing the real santa – a disgustingly obese goblin-faced old man, with reindeer antlers and hooves and a beard stained with blood and gravy – and big honking claws for hands.

The others step up. John opens his cooler and starts throwing snowballs. Mark goes for a rush but gets slammed to the ground, unconcious. Eirion rushes up with his knife but stays low, out of the way of those claws. Tom switches weapons and charges – “This is for Jingle Bells!”. Santa is slow, and can’t block the sword much, but his fat frame allows him to take a lot of licking. The damage and the snowballs pile around him, driving him back into the house. He dives in and slams the door, dragging Eirion (who is holding his leg) with him. Inside, Eirion sees a plate full of bones and a child roasting on a spit. Santa hefts Eirion up with one hand and wonders if he should have him with parsnips.

Then John crashes the SUV through the wall. Santa is thrown to the ground. Eirion uses the moment to stab Santa deep in the neck with his dagger, shouting “I wanted a bike, you bastard!”. Charlie advances on the stricken figure, and as she does so, the music causes his body to turn to snow. She backs off and demands to be turned back.

Santa: Damn children! Should be steamed and not heard!
Charlie: Turn us back!
Santa: I knew I should have eaten you last night. Lord Talon said you’d be trouble.
Charlie: Are you going to turn us back?
Santa: Certainly, if that’s what you want.
Charlie: What do you mean?
Santa: Well, if you’re adults again, you’re back in his world. You’ll have to face him. And my little games are nothing compared to the pain he will bring down on you.
Charlie: We’ll take our chances. Now change us back.

He touches his nose and gives with a nod, and there is a shimmer. Our heroes look around at their friends, stunned to see them back to their old selves. The moment is so disorienting they don’t notice Santa roll into his fireplace and vanish in the flames. They rush outside, but are too late. Above the hut, in the dusk sky, there is a wash of sparkling lights, and a sense of a sleigh. Far away comes the call “and to all a good night!” and a very deep, evil laugh.

Tom puts his hands on his hips and says wistfully “And the joker got away…”

Mark comes to, believing himself drunk and having destroyed his dad’s car. He makes some bad attempt to blame Tom. Tom rolls his eyes and remarks “You’re so immature”.

John: Call him a rodmuncher again.
Tom: But I’m no longer eleven
John: PHYSICALLY.

Tom: You’re a….dick…wad. Yeah, it’s just not funny any more.
Eirion: I guess we really are back

Charlie: God, what a Christmas
Eirion: At least it was better than last year
Charlie: It was?
John: Oh god yes.
Charlie: Dear god.

And the boys share a moment of old wounds and head back to the house. They tell the cops they found the house but the guy was long gone. They clean up and wonder if anything of Christmas can still be saved. John looks at Tom and gets a wicked smile.

John: So…it seems that nobody was organised to do Santa. So…
Tom: Yeah! Let’s get Uncle Joshua!
John: I had another idea. (nods to Eirion, who moves closer to Tom. So does Charlie)
Tom: Mark! Get Mark!
Charlie: Nah…

And they jump him in a big pile-on. A few seconds later, they let him up, dressed in a full santa costume. Tom is not amused. Close up on his face as he sighs and rolls his eyes at the big joke.

Tom: (sarcastically) Ho ho ho.

CREDITS! GRR! ARG! Play Let It Snow instead of usual end credits music. Zombie rides a sleigh!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Yay!

With added "eww!" and "oh dear".

[SteveD]

I should have probably let them free the child on the spit, to reduce the eww factor.

Also, I can't believe not a single one of my players knows about Virginia (There Really Is A Santa Claus). I so wanted a gag on that.

Steve

[Craig Oxbrow]

Originally posted by SteveD
I should have probably let them free the child on the spit, to reduce the eww factor.
That, my good fellow, is what reshoots are for.

[SteveD]

Okay, need more feedback!

Also, next week....

VO: (Toby Stephens?) The winter....

Oxford from the air - the winter floods. Merton Fields completely under ice. Whytham Woods snowcovered and dark.

...draws us in.

The four huddling into their coats as they cross the quad and running into the library.

...wraps us up...

In the library, the gang silently gather closer, listening to Pru and doing work.

...keeps us safe...

The gang are backed up against a wood wall, weapons in hand

...keeps things hidden

Fay stands in the snow, looking up at the college with worry and fear

...keep things secret

Somewhere, a door slams with shame and surprise

...but what happens

Fay saying "you need to be told..."

...when the secrets

Charlie gasping with shock and rage

...come out?

Tom going "WHAT?"

Cut to Miranda crying. Cut to Charlie yelling. Cut to John trying not to hulk out. Cut to everyone desperately trying to hold back a door as a gargantuanly strong force slams into it again and again and again....

Cut back to Fay. She says "You are in far more danger than you have ever dreamed"

Cut to somebody screaming.

Cut to the snow pouring down on Whytham Woods.

VO: Next week, on The Night Watch:

"The Hunt"

Cut to a patch of snow. Something heavy steps on it. As it rises again, the snow is burned black.

[SteveD]

i hate you all

[Craig Oxbrow]

I don't feel I can fairly comment. Nasty Smeagol.

[Burgonet]

Where's the write-up, by Mitra?

[Gavin Lucan]

Originally posted by SALette
Where's the write-up, by Mitra?

Seconded, with added prayers to Crom and Ymir.:D

[SteveD]

Crom helps those who help themselves.

The GM helps those who get the fuck off his back already, dammit.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Scott worships Rhona Mitra?

[Burgonet]

Originally posted by Craig Oxbrow
Scott worships Rhona Mitra?

Doctorb WHO???

[Craig Oxbrow]

Rhona Mitra, worksafe IMDb version (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0593961/)

The original live-action Lara Croft at the likes of E3.

[colbabe]

Originally posted by SteveD
John: That is SO immature...
(He gets hits square in the face with a snowball. He looks cross. Then he immediately starts building a fort and stockpiling ammo)
There was also a lovely moment here where Eirion and John got into fisticuffs and wrestling, and this dialogue popped out between blows as the boys reverted to class struggle:

John: Filthy commoner! -whack-
Eirion: Posh git! -slam-

(Sorry I'm so behind on the posts, but unlike TWH, we don't get e-mails when new show-based threads pop up. Hint hint.)

[colbabe]

Originally posted by SteveD
Eirion: Hey, my family owns like a whole village!
John: SHUT UP! Your family KILLED EDDIE!
I remember that there was a nice shocked silence after this remark. Yep, that's John's pent up feelings released after being turned into an adolescent. I'd imagined he'd have apologised to Eirion for that remark once he was back to normal.

[SteveD]

Sorry, will try to notify.

[SteveD]

I remember that there was a nice shocked silence after this remark

I enjoyed it. And it sets up 2.11 so nicely....

Ah, the subtext! Ah the foreshadowing!

[SteveD]

For my players to see: stats for the bad you bested two weeks back.

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=125322&highlight=Buffy

[dalziel_86]

And when do we get the write-up from Sunday's game? :p

[colbabe]

Oooh! Such impatience!

[Burgonet]

I know.

What a rude bastard.

....

Crom is a useless, mascara smeared Depression agony aunt that's too busy at the Faux club to give a rats about me.

Where's my write-up?

;)

(The Dead live vicariously through the living. Or is that the other way around?)

[dalziel_86]

The Dead live vicariously through the living...
I know, I know, tell me about it. Jerry Garcia's always bugging me to tell him what's happening. He reads my LiveJournal, and sends me e-mail when I don't update often enough.

[SteveD]

To the west of Oxford lies Whytham Woods, one of the largest and oldest forests in the south. Its elms and larches grow close together, quickly blotting out the roads in the distance, protecting secluded groves of mossy logs and scattered leaves. In winter, the bare branches are no less obscuring, and many are the foolish hikers who are unable to find the road again before the sudden darkness of night falls down on the land.

Oxford rarely gets a snowfall, but in the woods this January there was a dusting, turning the winter flood plains to icefields, sticking hard to the branches like cake frosting, painting the forest floor like a creeping fungus devouring the land. Against the grey sky, the white snow and the black trees merged into a wet, washed-out wasteland, so much so that when the sleet began to fall, it did little to change the vista. Like a trickle hitting a puddle, it simply caused the forest to ripple and become wetter, and colder, and more sodden.

Then something moved, like a sharp reflection off the snow, like a bolt of pure sun turned white against the frozen ground. Its sharp, unnatural colouring was perhaps the most obvious sign that it was alien to this world, but not the only one. It moved too well, too perfectly, and the woods seem to ripple and tear around it. As its put its weight onto the snow, the ice steamed, then bubbled black as it froze again.

Inside its mind, it too knew that it did not belong. It had walked this world before, long long ago, but then it had been different. Like the home it had just left behind, not changed and twisted like this pathetic shadow world. It was confused by unknown scents and incomprehensible gravity. It was tired and it was afraid and it was suffering. And it was angry.

But beneath all of that was a deeper instinct, a hunger built into its creation. Its nostrils flared and caught the scent of blood and sweat, and its head turned to find it. Then it was moving, changing from stillness to full speed without anything between. And the faster it ran, the better it felt. Purpose rushed through it again; ancient memories came flooding back. This is what it was made for: to seek, and to rush - and to kill…

[SteveD]

2.10 The Hunt

Oxford rarely gets a snowfall but this January a wet dusting turned into a mushy cloak of drab white and grey, shrouding the streets with mist and the kind of cold that soaks into everything. Our heroes shuffle down the empty High, a light dusting of snow on their big black coats. They snuggle down into their scarves. Charlie sports a very stylish bobble hat. Eirion has a huge furry hat with floppy ears that makes him look like a great dane. They swing in through the huge iron gates of Magdelen, under the arch and into the quad. Around them, other students bustle, equally huddled into their coats. The twins swish past in stylish swiss snow gear, Rebecca somehow seems to still not need neither hat nor ear muffs.

Running upstairs, they sigh as they enter the warmth of the library. A fire crackles and Pru pushes warm tea into their hands. She seems in a good mood - Hilary, she explains, is her favourite term. The kinks of the first term worked out, but free from exam pressure, people can really learn things. And they do indeed need to catch up with their studies. Pru hands them a massive pile of notes from the conference in Stockholm, asking for a precis in a few days. Tom thinks this is a waste of time, seeing how it could have valuable information. Pru explains that as well as fighting evil, they are also here to LEARN, and that means homework. Being a Watcher is hardly ever about saving the world, and very often about doing paper work. So get cracking!

She also explains that the CIA have set up an initiative to do the Watcher's job, but the Council have formulated a policy of observance and staying out of their way. Mr Giles will report. She also tells the boys that the Slayer quit - somehow it slipped her mind to tell them after summer hols. She has been busy keeping up with everything. Speaking of that, it seems that Santa was sent by a "Lord Talon" or something. Pru suggests they meet this evening for cocoa and a council of war to see what they can find about this chappie. For the meantime, though, Eirion and Charlie need to report for TK training.

As those two practise bouncing a ball back and forth to each other, John walks over to the stacks and pulls out a copy of Midsummer Night's Dream. He flicks through it, looking pensive, like he's on the verge of a great discovery. Then a tennis ball hits him hard on back of the head. From off screen Eirion shouts "Sorry!"

Roll credits!

[SteveD]

Eirion is very good at throwing the ball, but Charlie lacks control. So she concentrates very hard…and knocks it flying out through the window. Down in the quad, the Master (Robert Lindsay) who catches it effortlessly. Good timing, though, as the twins swan into the library. One of them (Elizabeth, or possibly Jessica) asks John for some help with English literature cos he’s so smart and clever and everything. John ends up with a study date to watch Midsummer that night. Meanwhile, Pru tells the others quietly that things have been quiet on the eldritch front – the only thing remotely suspicious are a few hikers found dead in Whytham Woods, but the police are handling it.

As the twins leave, Eirion goes long and backs into the Master who has entered silently. Eirion yelps in surprise. The Master says nothing, just stands there holding a tennis ball. Then he proceeds to say somethings which for some reason Eirion and Charlie find very amusing.

“I believe before Christmas break, there was a bit of a scuffle in the library”
Charlie snorts.


The Master explains that the Watcher’s council is a guest at Magdalen, and while they are happy with this ancient arrangement, he’s getting sick of paying to fix the library. Charlie sasses the Master back, saying she’s so sorry that people tried to kill them and that next time they’d just fall over and die. Eirion keeps elbowing her to get her to shut up but she’s in a bad mood. The Master just sniffs and tells them he wants no more shenanigans in the stacks. Unable to hold in the laughter, Charlie points and says “I have to go study now!” and runs off. Eirion points after her, and follows, without a word.

Meanwhile, Tom and Miranda have met up. Mir is very happy to see him, and very cross about the phone call. Tom explains: “Sorry – I was eleven at the time.” She believes Tom’s explanation, and explains herself – her mother was in a bad car accident on Christmas Eve and she needed someone to talk to. (Ade’s repsonse was quite funny: “Gee, that’s not funny AT ALL!”) Mir says they need to talk, but before they can the twins come along and start pestering Tom for info about John, about who he’s seeing now Fay dropped out.

Miranda goes back to her room. Charlie is already there, opening her belated Christmas present from Alan Lourdes, to discover it is a very salacious nightgown, with a rather forward note. She puts it away as Miranda comes in. A this point, Miranda and Charlie proceed to have an absolutely fantastic cold-hearted bitch fight that I knew I would never remember nor be able to write down. Curse you, Mr Oxbrow, for doing the freaking impossible and making me feel so damn inadequate. Especially since this episode was inspired by your game.

Anyway, basically Charlie is too angry to be nice to Miranda and points out that all her problems are ALL HER FAULT. She isn’t being clear to Tom about what she wants. Miranda, stung, tells Charlie to stop being such a bitch, because she has it easy being so beautiful and adored while she is so plain. Charlie says that Miranda is the bitch, from the very first moment they met. And she hit on her boyfriend. Miranda says she didn’t. Finally, it breaks up when Charlie gets a phone call:

“There’s been another killing in the woods?”
“To whom am I speaking?”

Charlie says she has to go and without planning it, me (as Miranda) and thenewgirl (as Charlie) both try to leave the room in a huff, and shout in unison “I’m going first!”. They both barge out.

Charlie calls Tom.

“I’ll meet you at the morgue, okay?”
“Who is this?”

She tells him he should talk to his girl. He says they plan to.
“Yeah, well, you should get on to that quick”
“But right now we have to go to the morgue, don’t we?”

Oh that’s enough for now. COMMERCIAL!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Curse you, Mr Oxbrow, for doing the freaking impossible and making me feel so damn inadequate. Especially since this episode was inspired by your game.
Sorry about that...

[colbabe]

...Rebecca somehow seems to still not need neither hat nor ear muffs.
She's unnatural! Someone cast a spell to send her back to her dimension of origin!

Sorry, been feeling a little on burnt side lately. Oh, and have been watching Buffy Season 7 finally, and, after seeing 7.14 First Date (http://www.upn.com/shows/buffy/episodes/season07/show_14.shtml), am not pleased to see that Xander still has that Tragic Love flaw after seven goddamn years. Will John ever shake it?

[Craig Oxbrow]

Nah. :D

[SteveD]

As I have said before, Rebecca is the one person who is exactly as she seems.

Which, in this show, makes her very odd indeed.

- might be lying D

[SteveD]

BTW, the way it was inspired by Craig's game is that I kept the monster hunting very simple so that people could talk more. It worked very well for this ep, cos it was a big talking one...and other things. So much to see...coming soon! As soon as my work stops cracking the whip and I have five seconds to do anything again....

Steve

[Craig Oxbrow]

Promises, promises, precious...

[dalziel_86]

BTW, the way it was inspired by Craig's game is that I kept the monster hunting very simple so that people could talk more. It worked very well for this ep, cos it was a big talking one...and other things.
It worked just as well when you did it off your own bat last season too. :p

[SteveD]

(You know, I realised one reason why I was feeling a bit down and bored at the end of this episode. It's because that's what the characters were feeling - things are kinda bleak, and kinda in a rut. Which is kinda cool, to be broadcasting those waves so strongly.)

Charlie stands in the grey snow morning outside the Radcliffe Hospital building. John comes riding up on his bicycle, followed by Eirion on his moped (a gift from John for Xmas). John looks at Eirion's earflaps and grins supportively. "I'm sure mod fashion is very flexible.". Eirion lifts an earflap. "What?" John: "I said...oh never mind..."

It is a sense of rut-stuckitude that pervades things as once again the four gather at the morgue. A different four from the beginning, but a four starting to become just as familiar, and an experience they all know by rote. Without even discussing it, Charlie goes back to seducing the fat geeky guy behind the counter, allowing John and Eirion to sneak into the shelves and find their man. It's nothing very astounding - he was killed by something very sharp being thrust through his heart with incredible strength. He was staked to death. However, curiously, no slivers of wood are in the wound.

As they search, John and Eirion discuss John's theories. Basically, he's concluded that since the Watchers know almost nothing about fairies beyond what is fiction (which Pru reported from the conference), they should LOOK to fiction for information. And where better to start than Midsummer?

John: You see, all [Shakespeare's] fairies are WELSH!
Eirion: Hey, it's not MY fault!

The gang head back to college and John runs into the twins again. Elizabeth (or Jessica) asks for help with her "Plantagonists". John suggests a viewing of Richard the III. He confesses to Eirion: "I think I'm being hit on..." Eirion returns his trademark sarcasm: "Oh how AWFUL for you..."

Meanwhile, Tom and Miranda have finally arranged their chat. They walk through Magdelen woods. Miranda seems to want to say something. She keeps talking about how Tom isn't there for her, there's always something that needs doing, the world needs saving. Tom says it's part of the job. Mir says she knows, but she needs more. She seems to be dancing around something. She says maybe they need a break or something. She's confused. And not sure where things are going.

Miranda: So yeah, I think maybe we should have a break
Tom: (patiently and kindly) Well, I suppose - WHAT? HAVE A BREAK?
Miranda: Just for a while, so I can figure out where things are going etc
Tom: (patiently again) Well if that's what you want.
Miranda: And maybe see other people.
Tom: (still patient) well, if you think - WHAAA? SEE OTHER PEOPLE?!?!?!
Miranda: Well, you know, if we want to.
Tom: Where did this come from?
Miranda: (very sadly) Oh, Tom....you never understand....
Tom: No, exactly. I don't understand. I don't understand AT ALL.

And Mir runs off in tears. John comes up and invites him to come and see Richard III that night. Tom: "Richard the third? Did Charlie get ANOTHER boyfriend?"

Cut to Charlie watching Miranda run away from the window of her room. She's pensive. She looks down at the nightie Alan gave her, and looks sad, but as if she's realised something. She takes out a pen and paper and writes a note. She puts it and the nightie on Miranda's bed, packs her things in a case, strips the bed and walks out.

Her face tense with held back tears, she finds herself walking to the library in search of Pru. But when she gets there, she finds the door shut, and Percy Shelley intercedes before she can open the door. Pru's in there with the "friend" she mentioned would be calling earlier, and shouldn't be disturbed. Charlie sighs and Percy sees he can be of help - especially in matters of the heart. "Sit down", he says, "and tell Uncle Percy all about it...Opium?"

The boys while away the afternoon on their studies, desperately trying to read the conference notes and get their precis and essays done. It's hard work to be back, especially when you have things on your mind. Gazes wander from books to windows, and the gray bleakness. Probably, Leonard Cohen plays.

Eventually, the boys gather at the library door to find Percy and Charlie still talking.

Percy: And so I gave everyone in the room syphillis by the end of it! Hahahahaa!
And Charlie joins in.

Then the door is thrown open and they meet a man in full hunting pink. He introduces himself as Mycroft Spencer-Churchill (Jonathon Pryce), president of the Hunt Club. Old friends of the Watchers, don't you know, only less with the books and more with the shooting the beasties. Ran into Pru again in Stockholm, hunting trolls. Knew her back in college, eh what. He knows them by the praise Pru has heaped on them, and wishes them well.

Tom demands to know from Pru why they've never heard of The Hunt Club before. Pru rolls her eyes.

Pru: Thomas, there are a vast array of ocult oragnisations in England -
Charlie: - Richard and Judy -
Pru: - to name one.

And so the gang sit down with cocoa and marshmallows and talk turkey. Lord Talon is their enemy, presumably some kind of powerful faerie. The sword is definitely fairy in origin, might be Excalibur, and everyone seems to want it. The redcaps came back because of timing, but were they working for someone? The scisovore tried to eat the sword. The Japanese sword-spirit was drawn to it. What the hell is it? Why is Alan Lourdes interested - is he in on this too? Or are there more parties? If Talon wants the sword, why does he want it? And should we give it to him?

Tom: Nooo....I think that would be a bad idea.
John: But why? What would he do with it if he had it?
Fay: (appearing at the door) He'd kill you all.

COMMERCIAL! Cary Elwes of TV's "The Night Watch" recommends CRELM TOOTHPASTE! It's CRELMIER! Put the bite back into life with Crelm!

(edit: I sleep now, more tomorrow)

[Craig Oxbrow]

"Sit down", he says, "and tell Uncle Percy all about it...Opium?"
Oh, I needed a laugh today. Thank you.

More! Sleep is for the weak! I've had less than four hours! Rar! Must read more! Must be entertained!... Ooh, Crelm!

[thenewgirl]

Good write up!

Go you!

Go us!

:D

I am le tired...

[SteveD]

And so Fay begins to tell her story…

Once upon a time, as the Watcher’s records tell, the world was ruled by The Old Ones – powerful demons who made it their personal hell. Then they faded and only vestiges and magics remain. The REASON they faded is because the elves killed them all, and created this paradise instead. Then there came a mortal, animal spirit called humans. First, the elves kept them as pets but when it became clear they had souls, they were set free. But they were unruly and destructive and before too long the elves were killing them all the time to keep them under control. Blood flowed deep and red.

A solution was needed, so a deal was struck. Lord Talon, a good friend of humans, gave a special dragon-blooded warlord – a Romano-Briton called Arturo - a sword of dragon’s tooth. He was to use it to unite humans and give them a purpose and nobility. At the same time, the elves would promise not to harm a human unless they broke the laws of this Concordance, and were marked for the Hunt. The experiment didn’t work. Arturo destoryed his dream with selfishness, and threw the sword away. Elves were angry and Talon was particularly slighted. But the Concordance bound them, and so the elves Withdrew to ponder their foolishness.

Since then, humans have spawned like cockroaches. With each passing century, they kill each other more and poison the earth further. And because this world is but a shadow of Arcadia, Arcadia dies with it. Humans have also recently stolen earth treasures, and spell casters have poisoned the Other Realms. Worst of all, elves discovered that humans are demon-tainted, and can be inhabited by demon spirits (and become vampires), and thus are as bad as their ancient enemies. Many elves believe the time has come to bring humans back under elven domination, or wipe them out altogether. However, other elves believe humans are worth saving. To assess the situation, should battle occur, scouts were sent to the world of shadow. Fay is one of them.

Talon is not one of them. Talon is Master of the High Hunt and High Lord of the Warmark and he wants his sword back and he wants a war. He believes that getting the sword back will remove the last symbol of the Concordance and give him the war he wants. He also knows that humans hurting (or worse, killing) elves – particularly with an elven blade – is great support for his campaign. Talon wants them to do something stupid, so he can get his excuse. On the other hand, if they just give him the sword, he’ll be able to sunder the Concordance and get his war that way.

This “don’t kill any elves” worries the PCs a lot.

John: Did you kill Santa with the sword?
Tom:I kinda poked him a bit. Was Santa an elf?
Eirion: That’s how the song goes.

Fay says that because Santa is an escaped prisoner, and just a puck, and because the scissovore was just a beast, they’ve been okay so far. They’re just lucky Tom didn’t hit any of the high elves in the library.

More questions:
Tom: So why are we demon-tainted?
John: Because we can turn into vampires.
Eirion: We can? Neat.

They ask a lot of questions, and Fay tries to answer them. She says she is trying to figure out Talon’s plan but he’s hard to track, his gift with glamour is unmatched. Tom thinks on this, and realises that it means he (or his men) could be absolutely anyone. So basically, they can’t injure anybody at all on the small chance they might end the world. This is not good.

Fay also announces that she knows what is loose in the woods – Talon let a unicorn loose, and it is angry and it is very dangerous. She will need their help in capturing it and sending it back. Best they ride out, as the snow has clogged the roads. She will collect them at dawn.

As she goes to leave, she steps closer to John.

Fay: Could I have a word?
John: Not now. I can’t keep Jessica waiting…(John turns to leave, stops, and turns back)…or it could be Elizabeth, I’m not sure.

(And more tomorrow. I also have a quote here that I don’t know who it is about:
Fay: Is something wrong with your friend?
John: (correcting) _Colleague_

Thoughts?)

[colbabe]

Hrm... Can't quite remember. Actually, I think this might have been later when Alan was around. I can't think of anyone else that John would have insulted this way. Unless it was a comeback - did any of the others insult John during that exchange?

[dalziel_86]

Arturo destoryed his dream with selfishness, and threw the sword away.
I don't think 'destoryed' is a word, but perhaps it should be.

It also bears noting that at few points was the beast referred to as anything but a 'unicr0n'. Many Orson Wellles jokes were made that day.

Come on Steve! Get to the good bit, with the complicated game of musical bedrooms!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Yes! Do!

[SteveD]

(I almost got this damn thing finished, but I apparently have to work for a living, and now that I've joined a gym, no longer have my lunch times. Tonight, the end, I promise)

With Fay gone, the gang begin to plan.

Pru: The classic method of catching a unicorn is fascinating them with a virgin.
(there is a pause. Nobody says anything)
Pru: So no luck there then…

But then they remember a certain morgue guy who loves to tell Charlie about his Dr Who collection. Could he be a virgin? Charlie knows how to find out. She immediately trots off to the morgue to invite Huw (for tis his name) to the video night. He agrees so fast he almost chokes himself.

Meanwhile, John is picking up Jessica. He thinks. He keeps asking questions to try and figure out which one is which, but she just keeps saying “my sister” or “my twin”. They go back to his place and start watching Richard III.

John: Now, see, in this scene, Richard is trying to woo the queen even as they stand over her husband’s grave. Now what does that tell you?
Jessica/Elizabeth: (in her best valley girl) That Richard is very horny?

Huw and Charlie arrive. Charlie does the introductions: John, Jessica.
John: (sotto voce, regarding her identification of the twins) How DOES she do that?
Charlie: (rolling her eyes and explaining kindly) One wears pink, the other orange.

Meanwhile, Eirion and Tom are still in the library. They’re talking about Fay.

Eirion: You think she might have called him or something.
Tom: I don’t think they have phones in the elven kingdoms.

As the night wears on, John and Charlie excuse themselves to get more snacks. John’s confused, why are they leaving him alone with a promiscuous virgin?

Charlie: To see if he’s a virgin, dummy.
John: Um…he might not be a virgin for very long!

Charlie’s plan is simple. If he’s a virgin, he’ll be too nervous to make a move. If he’s not, he’ll go for it.

Back in the library, Pru is lamenting to the boys about the tempora and the mores.

Pru: I can’t believe you all…I mean, in my day, it was much more, well…we didn’t…
Tom: Oh come on, Pru, you saying you and Colonel X never…?
Pru: (blushing) That doesn’t count, it was fictional!
Eirion: So Pru lost her virginity between chapters?

And here the bedroom farce begins in earnest. Watch carefully, as the players move around the board…

John and Charlie return to the room to find Jessica has left to get some sleep. Charlie uses herself as a test and lies in Huw’s lap. Then she carefully positions her body so she can fall asleep on both Huw and John. She’s sleeping on Huw so he doesn’t leave, and John so Huw doesn’t try anything.

Huw says something crass to John.
Players: Ewww. Who is this guy?
The Player Of Charlie: Haven’t you noticed how Charlie gets all the good ones?
The Player of Eirion: Hey!

Tom meanwhile runs into Jessica or possibly Elizabeth in the halls. She says she hears he’s having trouble with Miranda, and maybe he’d like to go to the spring ball with her? Tom smiles broadly and they walk off, their minds full of country matters. Which is why, when Eirion leaves the library and returns to his room, he finds the sock on the door, which means Do Not Enter.

Exasperated, Eirion goes to see if he can bunk in Pru’s room. Unfortunately, he finds Shelley (Colin Firth) guarding the door. Seems Pru’s friend Mycroft came back for a nightcap.

Eirion: So you’re Pru’s sock?
Shelley: Am I? How fascinating!
Eirion: Well, I better go then.
Shelley: No, stay, I think I’m going to compose a poem about being a sock. Now, what rhymes with sock? Lock? Hock? Knock? C- **Jump cut**

Eirion, out of options and knowing that Tom is with Miranda (because of the sock) goes to Charlie and Mir’s room to wait for Charlie. Cut back to Huw grimacing with muscle pain as Charlie’s head rests gently in his crotch. Charlie snores heavily. Eirion eventually gets bored, turns the light off and curls up under the blanket (the college blanket left behind when Charlie moved out).

A bit later, he wakes up as he hears someone coming in. He’s about to pull back the blanket when he hears Miranda’s voice. And someone else’s. Alan’s. He hides, and listens…

They come in, Alan being very polite and caring. Miranda finds the present on the bed. For me? She asks. Of course, says Alan. Inside is a skimpy black nightie. Miranda reads the card.

Miranda: “Maybe you can wear this next time…my darling CHARLOTTE???”
Alan: Oh, yes…well, I gave that to her at Christmas, when I was still suffering from that silly infatuation. Forgot to remove the card.
Miranda: You gave me a used present?
Alan: It was never worn.
Miranda: At Christmas? How long had you been dating then?
Alan: Oh, I forget…
Eirion: (throwing off the covers) You’d had TWO dates, you slimy sleazeball!
Miranda: AHHHH!
Alan: Yes, well, I’m a very passionate lover.
Miranda: What are you doing here?
Eirion: I was waiting for Charlie
Miranda: But it’s MY room!
Eirion: Well, I figured you were with Tom, because of the sock, and I needed somewhere to sleep, and there was no one here, so…
Miranda: But you were listening…wait a minute…the sock? (suddenly deathly serious) WHO IS WITH TOM???
Eirion: How should I know?

And Miranda runs out of the room at top speed. The really beautiful part about this is that we were playing it for all we were worth (John’s player was doing Alan, and I’ve forgotten some of his dialogue) and I, playing Miranda, had forgotten what the sock would mean to her. So when I reacted to Eirion’s lines, I was actually reacting as myself. Perfection.

Alan smiles at Eirion.
Alan: Women, eh?
Eirion: (sighing) You know, just because you’ve got money doesn’t mean you’ve got class.

And he pushes past him and chases after Mir.

Mir pounds on Tom’s door. There’s some clunking and shhing and then he lets her in. He’s in his PJs, lying at a strange angle on his bed. The audience can see he is concealing a human form.

Miranda: Why do you have your sock on? Who’s in here!
Tom: Nobody. I just…wanted some time alone. To get used to this idea. Of seeing other people.
Mir: (chagrined) oh. Sorry. I just. I didn’t want…
Tom: I understand.
Mir: (suspicious) Are you hiding something?
Tom: No. (shifts elbow) Nothing.
Mir: Okay. Sorry.

And she leaves. As she shuts the door, she distinctly hears a female giggle. And her eyes go dark (metaphorically, that is). She thinks for a moment, then goes running down the stairs into the quad. She leaps the fence and catches Alan before he can leave, and they drive off together.

Eirion, now very confused, and with nowhere to sleep, goes and curls up in the library and has a very cold night. He falls asleep shivering near dawn, and but a few minutes later he is rudely awakened by someone pulling him to his feet. He looks bleary eyed at Fay…who is now wearing some kind of daughter-of-Freya-via-Xena-and-Errol-Flynn leather armour, jerkin and forestcloth hunting gear, complete with knee high boots, long bow and helm.

Fay: The Hunt is called! We must ride!
Eirion: (blearily) …jus’ another five minutes…

COMMERCIAL: Do you hate somebody enough to give them your last Pot Noodle?

[Craig Oxbrow]

Alan smiles at Eirion.
Alan: Women, eh?
Eirion: (sighing) You know, just because you’ve got money doesn’t mean you’ve got class.
Had I been in Eirion's position, I'd have decked Alan.

Actually, had I been in Miranda's position I'd have decked Alan.

In fact, just about everybody should have decked Alan by now...

[Kasumi]

Had I been in Eirion's position, I'd have decked Alan.

Actually, had I been in Miranda's position I'd have decked Alan.

In fact, just about everybody should have decked Alan by now...



*I* want to deck Alan, and I've only known him for three posts' worth of reading backwards on this thread.

[colbabe]

Don't worry kiddoes, Alan gets fairly pwn3d in the last scene. Stay tuned.

And yes, Kasumi, Alan has been a royal pain-in-the-rear for all of us for most of the season.* Check out Thread 1 (http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=97116) and Thread 2 (http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=109898) for the whole story.

* Of course, it being a Buffy game, there is bound to be some future usefulness in the annoying characters. Just look at Cordelia.

[colbabe]

Y'know Steve, to capture all the dialogue, we should either do as TWH do and write it retrospectively, or we'll all have to note down our own dialogue (we can't have you doing the lot), or we're gonna have to invest in some sort of audio-recording gear. Honestly, it's gold, and we need to preserve it.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Why don't my players worry about me having to write it all down? My poor handses...

[dalziel_86]

Don't worry kiddoes, Alan gets fairly pwn3d in the last scene. Stay tuned.[/SIZE]
In fact, one proposed title for this episode was 'Alan Gets Pwn3d'. :)

[thenewgirl]

He does indeed get pwn3d. Read on:

Fay has even less luck rousing John’s enthusiasm. Stupid mortals, trying to sleep (why do they do that?) when there’s a deadly beast to catch and the Call of the Hunt has gone up. Eventually, though, she gets all five of them (Huw included) down to the stables. Huw is very confused, he’s never really had a date like this before. Charlie flirts mercilessly to get him to acquiesce.

Charlie: Don’t you like to _ride_, Huw? I know I do.
Huw: Er, well, I’ve never really ridden before..uh, er, I mean…
Eirion: (coming up with the saddles and keeping his trademark deadpan) Ah, so you’ll be the virgin then.

Eirion mounts his horse Tuesday, and Charlie swings onto Agatha. Tom and Huw wobble on rentals. As John readies Eorl, Fay brings out her huge pitch-black Arabian stallion, Midnight. She looks tenderly and sadly at John for a moment.

Fay: John. You know how I said I get dizzy on horses?
John: Yes.
Fay: I lied. (and without saddle, bridle or stirrups, she leaps onto her horse like a consummate pro)
John: (unimpressed and swinging up easily himself) Yes, well, we’ve both lied about a lot of things, haven’t we?

Tom interrupts by rearing his horse up and humming Bonanza! And they ride out! Charlie and Fay are exceptional horsewomen, Eirion is not far behind and John has been learning well. Leading the others, they are a mighty sight. In a homage to Branagh’s Much Ado and various cowboy films, we watch them ride at full canter towards the camera, the grey snow churning beneath their hooves, the winter dawn sparkling behind their flowing hair and shirts.

Soon enough, they find themselves away from the farms and roads and deep in Whytham Woods. Eirion’s farm skills and late night research make it very easy for him to locate the tracks – like a giant horse, only with a cleft-hoof.

Eirion: Yup. It’s either a unicorn, or a really big goat.

Around this time, Fay says something odd.

Fay: Once we control it, I can bring it home. Is the Sacrifice ready?

Picking out the trail through the now again-falling snow, they come past a hiker’s cabin. Smoke from the chimney indicates it is occupied. Most of the gang ignore it, but Charlie can’t resist checking in. One look through the windows reveals two figures by the fire. A second look reveals them to be Alan and Miranda. Disgusted, she rides to catch up.

Suddenly, Eirion, scouting ahead, stumbles into a clearing and there it is. Twenty hands high, not an ounce of fat, its muscles rippling and straining under its diamond hair. It seems to hang in space, too large, too white, too intense for this world. And it knows it. And it is scared and angry.

Everything goes quiet. People move…very……slowly.

Then bam! Charlie throws the net over the beast and John moves Huw forward. Huw gibbers. The beast whinnies in rage, rips the net to shreds and breaks through the woods. Charlie charges after it. Pulling level, she reaches out with her mind, and feels its galloping rage. Then she says simply “Stop”.

The sound is horrible – four thin legs suddenly stop and take the full momentum of a clydesdale moving at the speed of a racehorse. It’s front leg snaps at the knee, and the splintered bone breaks the skin. Blood spurts everywhere. The beast crumbles to the ground and starts writing and frothing at the mouth. Charlie lifts it off the ground to ease its pain, but it doesn’t stop striving against the TK barrier. Charlie breaks into a sweat. People are screaming at Huw and Fay to do their thing. Transfixed, somewhere in Charlie’s mind a door opens, and she sees inside the unicorn’s head. And she realises why it ran, and where it was going – where it is still, desperately trying to get.

The unicorn hates impure lovers. It’s trying to get to the cottage. And it’s feeding directly off Charlie’s own jealousy and anger, like a source of power running into it. Giving it strength. Healing its leg.

Finally they get Huw into its eye range and the unicorn suddenly goes still. The connection broken, Charlie staggers back, her nose bleeding. The unicorn still shivers but cannot help but stare at Huw. Eventually, it lowers its head in obedience. At which point Fay touches its hide, and there is a sudden sharp glow of pure white, as the forest seems to suddenly be as perfect as the unicorn. And then both of them are gone.

The gang stare at each other for a moment. Then they look at Huw. They’ve told him it was all a bit of a prank, but he’s having trouble buying it. This time, the Crime Club excuse wont’ cut it…

Charlie: Welcome to the Fantasy Crime Club!
John: Oh, can we NOT be the FCC?

The alarums and excursions have drawn attention – Alan is loping over, and Miranda. Tom rides up to Miranda. She stutters, trying to apologise. He cuts her off.

Miranda: I’m sorry, I didn’t –
Tom: Miranda, I’ve moved on. I’ve put it behind me. I hope you can do the same. (and he rides past)

Tom then encounters Alan, who tries to wave hello but Tom turns up his nose as he rides past. Alan shrugs, then looks to the next rider – Charlie.

Alan: Sorry about all this, eh, darling?
Charlie: I should say you should be. You made quite a mess of things.
Alan: In another life, maybe we could –
Charlie: Well, not unless you lift your game. I hope next time you date a girl, you actually have some idea how to do it. Face it, you’re not very experienced at dating, are you? And a girl has to have SOME standards.
(she rides off)
Alan: (put out) Damn. I had a really cutting remark ready there.

Snubbed by everyone he passes, Alan sidles up to the remaining person he knows, John and tries once again to make conversation and appear not completely superfluous.

Alan: So, yes, it seems you have everything well in hand –
John: (cutting him off) EXCUSE ME please – I’m talking to my FRIEND (and he turns and puts his arm around Huw).

And as Alan is excluded for the fat SF geek, for once his ever-besmirked face cracks and falls. And on that, we cut to black and roll CREDITS. Grr Arg!


Hence the alternative title to this episode: “Everyone PWN3Z Alan”. And given that things were less hunty and less romanticy then I thought (was planning on using the unicorn hunt as a metaphor for budding romance, and its rage for the screaming fits which never happened), I’ve changed the title to simply “Fair”.

And kudos to my players for taking a tiny character I made up on the spur of the moment in 2.6 and bringing him to the forefront. Now he’ll get stats and everything! Tis the wonder of RPGs!

Oh, and thank the lord – I finally got Charlie showing off her abilities – her +4 Attractiveness, her riding skills and her powerful (but oft uncontrolled) TK. You know, we know what anger does to sorcerers…I wonder what it does to psychics…

[SteveD]

Sorry, that was me. And thanks for the offer Col - any and all help is most graciously accepted. I've been thinking about taping for a while, but I don't own a mike.

Also, preview for next episode! 2.11 Best Served Cold.

The polished tones of Aishwarya Rai (Charlie) do this voice over:

(over the logo) “Next week, on The Night Watch”

Cut to Pru, sipping tea and tilting her head reflectively.
“You tend to make a lot of enemies as a Watcher. (sip, smile) If you outlive them all - you win!”

Cut to Tom cutting some vamps down with his sword.
VO: In the last two years, our heroes have done a lot of good…

Cut to Charlie passing the twins around the quad. They are looking over their shoulder at Miranda and giggle maliciously. Miranda looks downcast.
VO: And made their share of mistakes.

Cut to John hulking out in a wintry forest (series one or new shot?)
VO: And done their share of damage on the way.

Cut to Miranda sinking sadly to the ground against her door. Cut to Charlie standing lonely by her suitcases. Cut to Eirion staring at the sunset on a cold, empty hill top. Cut to John staring intently at a TV screen.
VO: And there are always consequences.

Cut to Tom jumping up and yelling in protest. Cut to Pru looking stern. Cut to Quentin Travers with his arms crossed. Cut to Eirion’s eyes flashing black.
VO: And there is always revenge.

Cut to Eirion and John standing on a lonely hilltop. John has his shirt off. Eirion chambers a round in a VERY large rifle and works the loader. Without looking up he hefts it and says grimly. “Okay. Let’s do this.” And they walk down the hill, ala Witness.

Cut to night view of Magdalen Tower, run title “The Night Watch” across it.
VO: Next, on The Night Watch is “Best Served Cold”

Sudden cut to the tall figure of Lord Talon, wearing a dark cowl that hides most of his face (ala the Emperor). His musical tones are touched with a deep darkness. He talks like Vin Diesel in Pitch Black, only with a RSC accent.

Talon: You know, there’s a lot of hate in this room. (perfectly timed pause, then under the cowl a wide smile breaks out) I like that.

Sudden LOUD NOISE and VERY quick flashes of sword fighting, with one shot in there of somebody being stabbed right through with a huge sword, then back to blackness.

Sudden cut to Uncle Dennis (David Jason). He shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
Dennis: Gordon Bennett, what a bloody shambles.

Blackout.

Caption: Thursdays, 9pm, on BBC2.

[Craig Oxbrow]

Great stuff.

I still would have decked Alan, though.

[SteveD]

At the end of last series, Scott (Eddie's player) mentioned that all my NPCs and villains were sympathetic, and they wanted instead somebody they could hate. I didn't know how to do that, but I set out to do what I could.

So the fact that Alan is pissing everybody off is a big A+ on my report card. It means I'm getting the job done. And that makes me feel very good.

Steve

[Craig Oxbrow]

A bit of proper loathing gets the blood up, doesn't it?

Wish I'd featured Victoria more in TWH...

[Doctor Oakenrod]

To quote my favourite eco-lovin', steak tartare servin' Michelin-starred outlet of foam-packed goodness:

"I'm lovin' it."

:D

[colbabe]

To quote my favourite eco-lovin', steak tartare servin' Michelin-starred outlet of foam-packed goodness
Whoa. Either I don't pay attention to enough modern media, or the cultural gap between Australia and Scotland is wider than I thought it was.

[Burgonet]

At the end of last series, Scott (Eddie's player) mentioned that all my NPCs and villains were sympathetic, and they wanted instead somebody they could hate. I didn't know how to do that, but I set out to do what I could.

So the fact that Alan is pissing everybody off is a big A+ on my report card. It means I'm getting the job done. And that makes me feel very good.

Steve

I did.

I felt very sorry for the King of Pain. He only wanted to save his daughter.
If he'd asked nicely, I could easily have seen Eddie soul searching, then trying to find a way whereby we could concoct a way to save his 'daughter'.

It seems that whomever the villain is for this season (I'm pretty damned Alan sure who the villain is, looking on with my talons from the outside of the game sessions by reading this board), they seem less sympathetic.

Personally, I do arsehole villains fairly well. But it can be a bit of work; you have to forget that you have friends at the gaming table and set about deliberately pissing off your players. In a good way, of course.

-From the Deck near the Beach, probably for the last Friday, Scott.

[SteveD]

"But it can be a bit of work; you have to forget that you have friends at the gaming table and set about deliberately pissing off your players"

I'm still having trouble with that, in general. I don't like the story to hurt them. But Alan being a dick I can do. And he's teaching me to be evil.

- always learning D

PS Last friday? :( :( :( Inspires my next thread...

[SteveD]

For fun and kayfabe shennanigans, come join the OMGWTFBBQ in Tang:

http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?p=2618314#post2618314

[Burgonet]

PS Last friday? :( :( :( Inspires my next thread...

Yes, I'll be in Brissie next Friday, and Cairns the Friday after that.

Assuming I don't end up driving Prue and myself into my own novel.
Mind you, that would actually be an amazing experience, one that I'd relish.

But that's not even remotely likely. I write fiction both as allegory and escapism. Have to keep reminding myself that the coupling between the two is purely a human cultural arteface.

:)

[SteveD]

Next Friday - party at my house. Yes?

[colbabe]

Confused now. Scott, are you going to be in Brissie on Friday the 16th of July?

[Burgonet]

Yes, I'm going to be in town.

I have a friend's wedding on the Saturday (it's Ashley, if you remember him from my playing group from the old Haven series/Mekton II gaming days of 91 and 92); so probably busy that day.

Prue's flying in Friday night late, as she's at a conference (to which she is speaking and running a seminar on her thesis paper) on Wed - Fri.

But yes, I'll be around. But not much in a party mood for late Friday, as I've got an early start Saturday for the wedding.

I've been avoiding having a send off. Didn't you notice??

;)

[colbabe]

Well, Sarah Michelle Gellar didn't even go to the BtVS wrap party, so having you even for a brief moment at a TNW "cast party" will be welcome.

[Burgonet]

Well, Sarah Michelle Gellar didn't even go to the BtVS wrap party, so having you even for a brief moment at a TNW "cast party" will be welcome.

Which is ironic, as that leaving that particular show was probably the most notable end to her career.

;)

[dalziel_86]

I've been avoiding having a send off. Didn't you notice??
Yes. Yes I did. :)

[SteveD]

While I've got you all here:

Alan needs a theme song.

Huw needs an actor.

Ideas welcome.

[colbabe]

Dunno about a song. For some reason, I keep thinking of stupid ballads from Four Weddings and a Funeral and whatnot. The man has undeniable charm, it's true.

I reckon Huw could be played by Josh Herdman (aka Goyle from Harry Potter).

[thenewgirl]

What about the guy from Crossing Jordan? The tall weird looking one with black hair and that really bad hair cut!?

I always pictured him as some what awkward, skinny and gangly. With a kind of hungry look on his face. We should make him less one-dimensional, Charlie has treated him appallingly. I feel guilty!

Also, I think at least a mini-party is important for you Scott- don't weasel out of it! We can have less of a shin-dig or hoot-en-anny and more of a smelly cheese night if you prefer?
Or I could just get drunk again and you all could giggle at me!
;)

[SteveD]

Goyle was my first thought, too, but he's a bit young. I might make Huw less portly so as to expand actor choices.

And now....

Stock footage: Fiery meteors rain from the sky. Some large building becomes a raging inferno. For a second, we don’t know what the hell is going on. Then over it, a crisp newsreader voice finishes her sentence.

VO: …is no cause for alarm.

Freeze frame. The explosion becomes a graphic behind a woman sitting a news desk. The graphic then changes to an aerial shot of a crop circle. As she talks, this becomes full screen and becomes a moving helicopter shot. As it pans across fields, we see more crop circles. We also note that England is more snow-bound than usual.

VO: And in the News of the Weird this week, crop circles are once again appearing all over England. Despite the continuing frost and snowfall in some parts of the country, crop circle enthusiasts have been out and about recording these strange phenomena. (The image now shows people in anoraks with tape measures and cameras). Apparently, it is the largest appearance of these circles since 1992.

(image cuts to Glastonbury, centre of town. The Tor is visible over houses. The streets are full of bunting, stalls and people).

And this occurrence also coincides with another event on the supernatural calendar, as hundreds of people are flocking to Glastonbury for their annual celebrations of the ancient Celtic holiday of Imbolc. (the image shows people building bonfires) This fire ceremony was originally invented to hasten the end of winter and the coming of spring, and probably inspired the use of fireworks on New Years’ Eve. (the image shows people lighting bangers and laughing)

Although no stranger to occult festivities, the occasion only began to be officially celebrated in Glastonbury in 1992. This year is special, however, as Deputy PM John Prescott will be in attendance. (the image shows a big black government car pulling up and a smiling Prescott getting out and waving) A long-time fan of Celtic traditions, Prescott says he is attending in a private capacity, but will be speaking briefly at the lighting of the bonfires this evening. (cut to Prescott shaking hands with people in the pub. There is much joviality and slapping of backs and downing pints.)

(we cut back to the studio)

And now, in celebrity news: the British star of the moment, Alan Lourdes is back in England to promote his new film, a remake of Oh What A Lovely War. (the image cuts to Alan in sunglasses getting out of a limo in front of a club) He was seen this weekend enjoying the London nightlife with yet another new beau on his –

(the image freezes as the second person is getting out of the car. Then it rewinds. It’s on video – and we zoom out to confirm this. John and Eirion are watching, in the same studio they used to look at the security camera from St Johns (to see the Widdershins). John holds the remote. Eirion sits back a little. Throughout the scene, both of them seem very distracted, and deep in thought, particularly Eirion.)

John: (pressing play) Okay. Watch. (he moves it forward over the pub scene. Then he pauses and points) There. (Eirion leans in. A figure enjoying a pint on the edge of frame is very definitely Uncle Dennis.)

Eirion: Damn. You were right.

John: I knew it was him. It caught my eye and – (darkly) well, I’ll never forget that face.

Eirion: (much darker) Me neither.

John: God knows what he’s up to, with –

Eirion: Doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, we’ll stop it.

John: (nodding sagely) Of course.

Eirion: We’ll still need your nose…(finally taking his face from the screen and turning to John) When do you change?

John: Tonight is the first night.

Eirion: Right. Then we don’t have much time. (he bends down to pick something up)

John: You know, with all those people…it’s still not going to be easy.

Eirion: (rising with a shotgun, which he is casually pointing at the screen. Then he says with bitter irony:) Family’s always difficult, isn’t it?

(we look down the barrel of the gun. It’s aimed right at Uncle Dennis’s head. Extreme close up (to the pixellation level) of that face. The pixels distort it, making it look twisted, evil. There is a bang as we immediately cut to black – and then roll credits. Cue Pulp’s Common People, the familiar strains of which breaks the tension like a cricket ball through a window.)

[colbabe]

And when I read this first time, I thought, "Hey, surely we're not up to Angel Season 4 yet..." And then I thought, "Hey, it's Signs! We'll just not breathe, and leave glasses of flouridated water everywhere around the college to deal with those ugly aliens!"

...

:confused:

It's been a weird night. Too much Mel Gibson and Danny Glover on the teev, what with Channel 9 showing Chicken Run then Lethal Weapon, and when I switched over to Channel 7 to see Predator 2 on, my gf wisely told me to "get that shit off [her] screen". Oh dear, it's going to be a kooky game today.

[SteveD]

Excerpt from The Evil Fairy Diary:

Step 1. Crop circles!
Step 2. ????
Step 3. Conquer the world!

I got to reveal what the tower on Glastonbury Tor was really for last night. Interested? Stay tuned...

[Craig Oxbrow]

If it's the silo for a secret International Rescue rocket, I shall be rather surprised.

[Burgonet]

My guest role in this episode was akin to Marcel Marceau appearing in Mel Brook's Silent Movie.

:)

[SteveD]

2.11 Best Served Cold.

I don’t know. You tell your players they can do whatever they want, and this is the time for big, sweeping gestures and kick-starting long plot-arcs…and they BELIEVE you…

Dramatis Personae:

John Chetwynd-Talbot (Cary Elwes): High born Watcher-to-be who discovered his cousin Eddie, was really his half-brother, just after he was killed by a giant. Also, turns into a Choralisk demon at full moon.
Eirion Lewis (Paul McGann): Saved by the Council from his family cult, only to have them recontact him earlier this year and ask him to help in a ritual. It went wrong, a giant arrived and Eddie, his best friend, died.
Charlotte Brigsley (Aishwarya Rai): The new girl on campus is sick of being screwed over by the patriarchal Council, and sick of being dumped on by loser guys.
Tom Brooks (Eddie Kaye Thomas): This quiet American is perfectly cool with the fact that he’s now almost certainly inherited Excalibur, and uses it to whack baseballs on the common.

Major NPCs:
Prudence Pryce (Prunella Scales): Their mother-hen invigilator. Firm, but perhaps far too nice.
Alan Lourdes (Toby Stephens): The next Hugh Grant. Was dating Charlie, but dumped her for Miranda.
Miranda Watson (Charlotte Hatherley from Ash): Bookish, shy magically gifted girl who dumped Tom for the smooth tongue and large wallet of Alan.
Uncle Dennis (David Jason): Eirion’s long-lost uncle, head of an earth-magic cult and always looking for an angle, cos he’s a bit dodgy, guvnor.

TEASER: As above.

ACT ONE:
The hood of Susan (that’s Eddie’s car) slams shut and John and Eirion leap in and drive away. We follow them briefly down the High, then sweep back to Magdalen and through the arch to find Charlie lumbering her bags along the quad and up a Staircase, looking for her new room. She seems confused, and is justified in this when she opens the door to discover Eric Walker (Ben Miles) inside. A clerical error has occurred, it seems. But Eric seems nice enough about it, and it means Charlie’s room is now one floor above Tom and Eirion’s – and as she passes his door she finds Elizabeth about to knock. Elizabeth says Pru is looking for Charlie, and they make plans for a girly evening that night. But then Elizabeth makes plans with Tom for dinner – clearly these girls have the attention spans of gnats.

(OOC stuff regarding the twins:

TPO Charlie: This is Elizabeth?
Me: Yes.
TPOC: But it was Jessica who slept over after the video night?
Me: I know it was Jessica who went to the video night, but I’m not sure who went to Tom’s room after that.
Them: You don’t know?
Me: I can’t keep track of them!)

The girl night causes people to speculate on the sexual preferences of the twins. Which makes it particularly apt when Charlie says
Charlie: I’m just going down for a hotdog.
Elizabeth: Huh. Been THERE.

Charlie goes to the kitchen and cooks herself a hotdog. Miranda comes in, ignoring her, staring at her shoes. As she leaves, she passes Rebecca, who smirks at her. Charlie decides to take a hotdog up to her new roommate, or as her player put it:

“I’ll take the hotdog back up…and give Eric one.”

Eventually, Tom and Charlie arrive in the library. Pru is fretting and flapping: she’s just got last-minute advance warning of a surprise inspection. The Watchers are coming out, a phrase Tom enjoys immensely, to inspect the quality of the students and also the security risks regarding this fair folk incursion. Pru is well aware that with elves and conferences, things are a bit out of whack and now John and Eirion are nowhere to be found. She calls them.

Cut to John and Eirion in the car. Eirion is driving. John’s phone rings and John sees who is calling. The boys do rock, paper, scissors to see who will pick up. Finally, John’s honourable nature kicks in and he picks up. Pru wants to know where they are.

John: We’re uh, following up a lead.
Pru: Are you still in Oxford?
John: (watching the “You are now leaving Oxford sign whip past”) Yeeees…
Pru: Well, can you come back quickly?
John: (as they merge onto the M4) Oh, absolutely. We’ll be back…soon as we can.
Pru: But when? It’s terribly important you –
(and Eirion hangs John up, and throws the phone in the back)

Pru: (staring at her phone) Damn contraptions. They broke up.
Tom: (very confused) They broke up? They were dating?

Meanwhile, Pru realises it’s that time of the month again.
Pru: I hope John’s taking precautions!
John: (throwing some condoms out of the car) Won’t be needing those…

Pru is equally fretting about Eirion – he’s such a rebellious lad.

Pru: That tearaway Eirion…he never tells me where he’s going…

Eirion: We can’t tell them where we’re going. They’d just try to stop us.
John: True.

Pru: He’s always off magicking something up without my permission! It’s a bad business!
Charlie: I’m sure he doesn’t mean to be bad.

Eirion: We mean to be bad.
John: Are you sure about this?
Eirion: Yes. Are you?
John: Yes.

They talk about what Dennis told Eirion about the Watcher raid.

Eirion: I’ve looked it up – the Council records contradict each other.
John: So what really happened?
Eirion: I don’t know. I just know they did lie to me.

They discuss their plans.

John: You tried a locator spell? It didn’t work?
Eirion: I tried everything in the library.
John: Everything?
Eirion: Everything.
John: Even the stuff in the locked section?
Eirion: Even the stuff in the locked section.
John: (pause, then thoughtful) What’s IN the locked section?
Eirion: You can have a look if you like. I’ve got half of it in the boot.

Pru: (walking out of the stacks, stressed out) Has anyone been poking around the locked section?

Pru decides that looks are going to be important.
Pru: Tom, go and put on a suit. Charlie, go and put on a nice skirt.
Charlie: But I’m in very presentable trousers!
Pru: I know, but these are Watchers – very traditional.
Charlie: (huffy) I’m trying to be judged for my abilities, not for my gen…I’ll go put on a skirt.

While running off to change, Charlie passes Miranda in the courtyard. The twins pass her, and start gossiping. Miranda sags. Charlie remembers Pru saying something about Mir missing classes. Charlie grabs her and pulls her into a cloister. She asks her what’s wrong. Mir explains she feels guilty, and Alan, meanwhile, hasn’t called in a week. Charlie explains that Alan is one of those guys who just wants to conquer territory then move on – an asshole. Mir is depressed. She asks if Tom is okay. Charlie says he’s fine. Mir is more depressed. She’s also being excluded by her classmates.

Mir: Now everyone in the college thinks I’m a slut.
Charlie: Why, because you slept with two guys in one year? My God, dear, you’re the Whore of Babylon.

She invites Mir to the girl’s night that night to cheer her up, then goes back and tells Pru they should be nice to Mir because she’s feeling down. And you know – magic user getting sad or angry = bad news. Pru agrees, but for now they’ll keep that under their hats because the Watchers are here.

In walk Quentin Travers (from Buffy) and Lord Jusitce Montgomery Danville (Paul Schofield). Danville is, for those who’ve forgotten, Master of the Prentices, the man in charge of whether they pass or not. Last time he was in Oxford, he was sleeping with the dead (literally) and needed the boys to help him get rid of the corpse. Eirion and Eddie didn’t do this, and instead called the cops and the media. Danville has spent the last year fighting charges of lewd conduct and sexual assault. He stands behind Travers, saying little, but his eyes are very cold.

Travers greets Tom and asks about the sword.
Travers: Safely squared away?
Tom: Yes sir.
Travers: Good. But we need to have a look at it. No doubt you can obtain it easily?
Tom: Yes sir.
Travers: Good. Dismissed.
Tom runs out, and goes to the kitchen for a snack. To himself: “Wow, thank goodness they didn’t ask me to get it…”

COMMERCIAL! It’s a man’s life in today’s Watchers’ Council…

[SteveD]

DAMMIT! I finally take the trouble to get the write-up done in advance and now the formatting fucks me over.

*cries*

Is it readable, or do you want me to edit?

[SteveD]

While they wait for Tom, they put Charlie through her paces, making sure she’s caught up. Danville gives her three references to find as quickly as possible. She fails miserably, partly because half the books are gone. Danville tuts and marks her down. Charlie says its not her fault if the books aren’t there. Danville responds that resource management is an important skill of a Watcher…and your Invigilator should keep a better eye on things. Pru cowers. Charlie speaks her mind about Danville’s methods. Danville tuts even more. Pru is making the “death death” sign over his shoulder, but Charlie barrels on, demanding actual help in their battle, and sick and tired of not being told anything. Danville makes notes. Finally, Danville and Travers excuse themselves to go and examine the shield.

Charlie storms off. Pru follows her and demands to know what the hell she thinks she is doing. Her tenure can be taken away at any time, and Charlie can be easily kicked out. Charlie says she didn’t know who Danville was because nobody told her. Pru apologises, once again feeling the sting of her poor teaching.

Meanwhile, Tom has encountered Rebecca. Last time she asked him to the dance he knocked her back, but she is not to be denied.

Rebecca: So I was thinking – now that you’ve seen the light about the nerdy little dyke, perhaps you’d like to go to the dance with me?
Tom: Er, no, I’m seeing, um…Jessica.
Rebecca: Oh, the little blonde tart? (sighs) You have no taste, you do know that right? (and she sashays off)

Next, Tom goes to get his sword (hidden very well in the study hall – where nobody ever comes) to make sure the Watchers don’t get it and finds it missing. He panics, and runs to the chapel where they found it – not there. He crosses the quad again and runs into Pru and Charlie. He explains the problem. Pru panics. Charlie calms everyone down by explaining she took it.

Tom: Why did you do that?
Pru: Yes! Mr Travers needs to see it!
Charlie: He wants to take it away!
Tom: I know! That’s why *I* want it!

Charlie assures Tom it is safe. Tom keeps asking for hints. As they sit and wonder what’s going to happen, Danville and Travers approach, say they can’t wait any longer and are retiring for dinner. They will be back in the morning – expecting to see a sword.

Meanwhile, John and Eirion have parked their car and walked into the centre of Glastonbury. They stop in for a pint at the pub where they saw Uncle Dennis – the Hedgehog – but see him nowhere. Until, that is, he slaps them both on the back, buys them drinks and introduces them to his lovely wife Leslie (Mrs Weasley in the Harry Potter films). Leslie is so happy to meet the prodigal son, and invites him to come to the cottage any time. They both express regret at what happened the last time they met – they would have sent flowers but they didn’t want to intrude. It was a terrible accident, and they hope it hasn’t prejudiced Eirion against his birthright. Eirion is, not surprisingly, a bit taken aback by this.

John is also angry, and his knuckles start to get hairy. He gets even tenser when Dennis enquires if Eirion is still seeing “that bindi bint”. As he gets more and more sickened by Dennis’ “sorry bout that” attitude, Eirion has to get a grip on him. Not now – they need to find out what he’s up to. Eirion drags him outside…and as soon as he sees the moon he loses it. Pity, as he’s in the centre of town, surrounded by party-goers. But they’re celtic party-goers, so John tries to blend as he runs to the edge of town – he tears off his clothes and keeps screaming about being skyclad for the spirits of imbolc! Some people cheer him as he goes. Eirion follows patiently, collecting his clothes.

By the time John hits the woods around town, he’s his demonic form – a huge, loping muscular beast. He runs galloping up the Tor as if drawn by a powerful force. Slowly, Eirion follows. He places a backpack nearby with clothes in it, and brings out his rifle. He walks into the tower – John’s not there. He looks up, to see him wedged above him, growling, whining, tense. He drops down into a crouch, ala The Hulk. Something is agitating him, more than just the transformation. From John’s perspective, we hear it – a screaming noise, on the edge of hearing, coming from the Tor. Oblivious, Eirion simply raises his rifle, says sorry and shoots John in the flank. He runs for a while, then falls. Eirion looks at him and nods bitterly. Then he re-loads the rifle, shoulders it and walks back to town…

COMMERCIAL: Next on BBC1: Parky and Graham Norton fight bare-knuckled and bare-assed in jelly for the title of Best Interviewer!

[Craig Oxbrow]

Seems readable here.

Love the crosscutting chat.

And, well:

John: (pause, then thoughtful) What’s IN the locked section?
Eirion: You can have a look if you like. I’ve got half of it in the boot.

:D

And my lot complain when one or two books go missing...

[SteveD]

ACT THREE:

Tom, Miranda and Pru sit in the library trying to work out what to do. Charlie and Tom are adamant that they not give the sword to the Council, as it will leave them defenceless – not that they can injure anyone now anyway (which is why Charlie hid it). Pru is falling apart at the idea of defying the Council.

Pru: But…the Coucil…my calling…Travers…Oh GOD I need a cup of tea! (falls into chair)

Tom keeps trying to guess where it is. He’s pretty sure it’s under Charlie’s bed, but she’s keeping mum. Eventually, Tom leaves and goes on his date with Jessica, or maybe Elizabeth (I’ve forgotten now which one it was, but Tom was sure it was Elizabeth. Or maybe Jessica.)

Charlie keeps working on Pru, trying to convince her that they can’t give the sword away. Pru sees her points, but she points out that the Watchers will actually know what to do with it, and from then on, the elves will go elsewhere, seeking the sword. Charlie isn’t convinced on either point. Pru points out that if they don’t hand it over, the Watchers will just expel her students and take the sword. Pru is still falling apart, and needs LOTS of tea…and eventually beer to calm her down. Over beer, though, Charlie has an idea at a solution to the impasse.

Charlie: I’m having an idea! We need to find Miranda!
Pru: (sarcastically) Oh yes, THAT’S a perfectly good inclusion to all this chaos.
But she’s right – the uncontrolled spell-caster might be just what they need – to make a REPLICA of the sword, good enough to fool the Watchers.

Charlie: Is that possible, with magic?
Pru: Certainly, I’m sure there’s some sort of…what am I saying?

Charlie goes for the hilt, telling Pru that she shouldn’t feel the need to obey the Watchers because they are a bunch of bad eggs. In fact, she says, it’s about time they started their own group. Something full of women. As she pointed out to Danville earlier, and says here again, all the slayers are women and the Council doesn’t know how to treat them. Not modern women. Evidence? The current two slayers both went rogue. Frankly, the society needs a woman’s touch, or a new society. One the Slayer might want to join.

Charlie: Think about it. Wouldn’t you like to start a new council? One made up of sane people, and women? Wait, that didn’t come out right….
(Ade: Dude! You just pwned yourself!)

Pru can’t handle this sedition, and descends into some kind of tut-tutting stupor over her beer, so Charlie goes to find Miranda herself.

Meanwhile, Tom is having dinner at the Goose, a rather nice pub near Gloucester Green. It’s made less nice by the fact that Danville and Travers are sharing notes four tables away, but he hides behind the menu successfully, although this confuses his date (whomever she is).

Back at college, Charlie has found Miranda and told her the plan. Miranda isn’t keen, until Charlie suggests using it to play a trick on Alan. They can make two replica swords, give one to the council and then shatter the other one in front of Alan. Miranda likes that because he seems to pay more attention to swords than her, so it would make him notice her a lot if it was destroyed – and teach him to pay more attention to her.

Miranda says the spell will be easier if they had the sword – not Charlie’s favourite idea – or a picture of it. Charlie suddenly remembers the picture they found in the book, which she hid in the library four episodes ago. She runs off to get it. See? A tiny plot hook by me, a small action by a player and YET IT ALL COMES TOGETHER like Jenny Calendar’s disk. Only WE didn’t plan it. We’re even cleverer than that.

They scurry off to Miranda’s room. As Mir prepares the spell to enchant two broomsticks with a glamour, Charlie puts two socks on the door (TWO socks? Is that a three way or a four way? we wondered. We decided two socks is a four way, and one and a half is a ménage-a-troi, and half a sock is “Don’t open the door! Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!”)… she shuts the door, locks it and rams a chair up against. A few seconds later, there’s a knock, and Miranda glibly opens the door, much to Charlie’s annoyance. There stands Huw (Press Gang’s Paul Reynolds) looking for Charlie.

Mir: (looking behind door at Charlie shaking her head) She’s….not here right now.
Huw: Oh, well, I was…do you think…you could maybe…I mean, when are you expecting me back? HER back. When are you expecting it?
(meanwhile Charlie is writing furiously)
Mir: (brightly) Um, she left you (sticks hand behind door, grabs note from Charlie, pulls hand back) this note!

And Huw goes off pleased, with dinner plans for tomorrow. The girls settle back to the spell, form a magic circle, sprinkle crystal dust onto a mirror and begin to chant. Soon power crackles between them, and the air spark