Skippy Joins The Imperial Guard!

[David Johansen]

This thread: http://forum.rpg.net/showthread.php?t=209823

got me thinking that we need to build a "thing skippy isn't allowed to do" list for the Imperial Guard in Warhammer 40000.

It's here because plenty of people roleplay 40k with a variety of different games. This is definantly more of a roleplaying resource than a miniatures game discussion.

1 - Fire the lasgun at our spacemarine and enseer allies to illustrate its lack of stopping power.

2 - The officer's mess is not to be used as a Grox latrine.

3 - The spacemarines would prefer not to be greeted with a rousing chorus of "If I Only Had a Brain"

4 - The commisar is not and never has been a "comfort woman" for the forces of chaos.

5 - The commisar's Rosarius is not a "Sparkly".

6 - The icons of the most holy and righteous emperor shall not be referred to as "The goofy lookin' dead guy".

7 - It is not acceptable to invite the eldar invaders to briefings.

8 - Don't tell the recruits that the eldar invaders are just looking for a good time.

9 - Commisar Janessa's com channel shall not be posted in latrines nor on shells to be fired at the eldar invaders.

10 - Commisar Janessa didn't make the spacemarine captain forget the emperor for any length of time, nor was he crying the emperor's name in her tent.

[TygerTyger]

"Definantly"?

No, I have nothing more useful to add. :p

[Christopher V. Brady]

11. Even if he was.

[David Johansen]

12 - the laminated cylindrical metal container rations aren't made of remains of our last batch of recruits.

13 - Plasma guns are not to be used to unplug the hygenic ceramic biowaste disposal systems.

14 - Individual Dark Angels marines are not all named giggles.

15 - Civilians are not to be referred to as "Tyranid Take Out".

16 - The Inquistitor does not have a "comfy chair in his tent"

17 - The Enseer's servitor's are not to be given stimulants.

18 - nor are the wires portruding from their heads "the source of their erectile disfunction".

19 - Commisar Janessa doesn't need to help the servitors with their 'problem".

20 - Nor will finding them in her tent convince her to.

21 - The Imperial Guard is trying to recruit more women but they all join the Sisters of Battle as soon as the draft notification arives for some odd reason.

[Sinclair]

22. Stop asking where the squats went.
23. No playing "what's in my pocket" with the ratlings.
24. Laundry-Private Phelps will stop putting the CO's underwear in with the red items.
25. No dressing in women's clothing.
26. Not even for Corporal Lewis's weekly "Adeptas Sororitas revue".
27. Whoever giggles at the phrase "Penal Company" during the Regimental Briefings will be harshly punished.
28. There will be no more cracks about the Stormtrooper Platoon and "operations in the rear".
29. No more cracks about the term "Hardened Veterans", either.
30. The Admiral of the accompanying Battlefleet will NOT be greeted with calls of "'Ey Sailor, Lookin' Fer A Good Time?"

[Fade]

The problem is, most 'Skippy's List' stuff would get an imperial guardsman executed on the spot by his friendly local Commissar.

[Sinclair]

31. "Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home" is not considered an inspiring battle cry.

[the_redstar_swl]

32 - Tyranids are not pets.

33 - The Basilisks are not to be used to fire bean-bags at protesters.

34 - Even if they are being rude.

35 - You are not to play "Battle Bots" with two Sentinels.

36 - Lasguns are not to be used for weeny roasts, To make S'mores, Boil water, to start camp fires ect ect.

37 - Ogryns are not Orks.

38 - It is not acceptable to program destroyed Necrons to say "Ahlll be Back." "Your clothes - give them to me, now." "Hasta la vista, baby." and "Sarah Connor?" and dress them in a leather jacket.

39A - The commisar is not a Wich and he will not be reported to the Witch Hunters as such.

39B - Do not burn the commisar as a Wich.

40 - It is not smart to dare the crew of a Land Speeder to jump over the Barracks.

41 - Even if it would look realy cool.

42 - Do not try to get the Sisters of Battle to produce a porno.

[David Johansen]

And most of Hawkeye's antics in M*A*S*H* would have gotten him a court marshal. What's your point?

[Sinclair]

43. Noone is to give plasmaguns to Ogryns. Especially not if they tell the Ogryns that they're officers now, and that's why they're being given plasma pistols.
44. The name of the current campaign is not "Operation We're All Gonna Die".
45. No more Eye Spy on long trips. Cheating has gotten out of hand.
46. Adressing Commissar Janessa as "Mistress" and requesting "summary discipline" is not funny.
47. Third Platoon, Fifth (Infantry) Company will cease retrofitting its flamers to distil spirits.

[Fade]

48. Not allowed to replace 4th Platoon's lasguns with supersoakers. Even if they are more effective.

49. Not to replace imperial speeches broadcast from loudspeaker with porn soundtrack.

50. Not allowed to report your sergeant as a psychic for knowing about above offences.

[the_redstar_swl]

51 - "Termy Tiping" is not a sport.

52 - Dark Eldar are not all named "Drizzt Do'Urden"

53 - No matter what Commissar Salvatore says.

54 - Do not taunt the Dreadnoughts with food.

55 - Dreadnoughts are not Big O's.

56 - The Terminators are not Gundam.

57 - Tau XV8 Crisis Battlesuits are not Evangelions.

58 - Do not sign the Commissar up to "Slaanesh Daemonettes gone wild" even if it is just $9.95 a Vid-Disk.

59 - "Meat Shields, ATTACK!" Is not a proper battle cry.

60 - Leman Russ's are not to be used to Reenact WWI battles.

[David Johansen]

61 - Nobody appreciates a music critic, least of all the Noise Marines of chaos. I think we'd all be happier if you just cut it out.

62 - Nor could they be playing the Emperor's Palace on Earth in three months time with a little of your helpful guidance.

63 - It makes perfect sense that we're fighting a different enemy every week. This is a damned important desert planet with limited resources and the front is very fluid.

64 - Vox casters are not to be used to anounce when Commissar Janessa enters the showers.

65 - Nor are holorecorders needed in the showers for the sake of security.

66 - Orkish general Ghazkhul has specifically requested that you stop claiming to be "Rick Jones" and saying he'd never smash his buddy "Rick". As with the noise marines it is the general consenseus of the command staff that we'd all be happier if you stopped.

67 - It isn't at all funny that the commisar's las pistol isn't powerful enough to kill you asshole.

68 - Nor was it funny when she burned her left hand off trying to discipline you with a plasma pistol

69 - Giving the enemy your plasma weapon is not the easiest way to kill them.

70 - Multimeltas don't have a chewy nougut centre.

71 - It is completely unacceptable to set fire to the officer's mess and claim you were just burning the heretics.

72 - moans of pleasure are not an appropriate response to a flogging by the commissar.

73 - The fact that slanesh isn't kinky enough to entice you is not proof of purity.

[David Johansen]

74 - it's not the lasgun it's your substandard marksmanship

75- your pants aren't a suitable location for an extended recon

76 - you aren't hiding a defiler in your pants

77 - A cannoness isn't an artillery piece shaped like a vagina

78 - The tyranids never used a subrace known as Zoats as ambassadors. Tyranid diplomats? Where do you get this shit?

79 - Tau diplomats are not Jehovahs Witnesses, the JW's have better art in their tracts.

80 - Tau porn is forbidden on all imperial bases. Yes it does explain why they're all so subservient to the Etherials.

[the_redstar_swl]

81 - The Death Korp of Krieg are not Waffen SS Tankers.

82 - The Bombards will not be used to shoot small children in to a net for $5 a ride.

83 - The Baneblade tanks are not to be rented out as 6 family apartment complexes.

84 - Filming "Pimp My Rhino" is not allowed.

[apieros]

85- It is forbidden to headbang to Noise Marine rock music, no matter how tough the lead guitarist sounds.

[Mister Gone]

Uh...

who is Skippy?

[Netdancer]

Uh...

who is Skippy?

http://www.skippyslist.com/

[damion4242]

86 - Genestealers did not take your pants

87 - You may not use weapons looted from fallen orks, heretics or anyone else that has a gun that can hurt things larger than a snotling.

88 - Adeptas Soritas migits are not named "Gretchen".

89 - Do not feed the Tyranids

90 - Do not yell "Have fun storming the castle!" to the orks attacking the Imperator

91 - Do not startle the Commissar of the Penal Troops

92 - Do no remove the batteries from said Commisars detonator either

[Levi]

93: I am not to speak on behalf of my platoon.

94: Especially with the opening line "We, the acceptable losses, salute you."

95: "For the Glory of the Emperor" is an acceptable battle cry, as is "For the Honor of the Emperor". However, "For the Amusement of the Emperor" is not.

96: I am not to read from the dictionary in the presence of Arco-Flaggellants in the hopes of discovering their trigger word.

[Sinclair]

97. Eldar didn't used to be friendlier.
98. There were never ANY SUCH THING as Harlequins.
99. I don't know where you guys got it from, but 19th (Mechanised) Company's battlecry of "I'M RICK JAMES BITCH" is to be discontinued AT ONCE.
100. Plasma weapon malfunctions did not just suddenly increase up to +100%. This is lies and it is harming the morale of the troops and belittles the contribution of the maintainance depot.
101. You are no longer allowed to fire your weapons while charging.
102. Shotguns didn't just become "worthless".
103. The Orks' colour scheme has always been what it is now. They are not trying to "trick" us.

[izzylobo]

15 - Civilians are not to be referred to as "Tyranid Take Out".


Skippy is a Space Marine Scout
15 - The noble Imperial Guardsmen are not to be referred to as "Tyranid Take Out."

Skippy is a Space Marine
15 - Our young training Brothers, the Scouts, are not to be referred to as "Tyranid Take Out."

Skippy is a Terminator
15 - Our Honorable Brethren in the infantry are not to be referred to as "Tyranid Take Out."

Skippy is a Dreadnought
15 - Stop referring to all lesser Marines, Guardsmen, Comissars, and sundry other loyal and steadfast defenders of the Imperium as "Tyranid Take Out" - sweet, crunchy, spicy, or popcorn. Even if they are.


- 'cause some things never change.
:)

[SirFozzie]

104- Our loyal and honorable members of the Adeptes Astartes are to be referred to as Space Marines, not "Spam in a can"

105- It is not polite to look for the magic button on the Space Marines armor that will make it pop off.

106- If you do see the button while NOT looking for it, it is even more impolite to press it.

107- ESPECIALLY before they storm the enemy line.

108- Just because your honored ancestor was a Space Wolf, that does not give permission to wear a hemlmet modified to carry two beers. And wolf furs are NOT standard equipment for Guardsmen.

109- Further distubution of material from WychBytches.com is to be restricted to Commissarial level and above.

110- And no, it's not because they are hogging the good stuff.

[Sinclair]

111. No more making fun of the odd physical malformations of the Catachans. They just work out a little too much, that's all.
112. Stop demanding a special committee be held to try and root out steroid abuse among the Catachans. It has already been established that there is no such thing.

[Lautrec]

113. I'm not allowed to join a Chaos cult.

114. A power fist is not a sexual aid.

115. "Spam for the spam god!" is not an acceptable battlecry.

[SirFozzie]

116. When Commissar Janessa comes into the tent to offer the daily prayer, greeting her by singing "Don't turn around, woah-oh, cuz Der Komissar's in town, woah-oh!" Is NOT IG standard policy.

[Sinclair]

117. Lt Bradley is not a neither a "flamer of Tzeentch" nor a "heavy flamer".

[Stantz]

172. There is no such thing as a Martini Earthshaker.

[Hadrian bani Bonisagus]

173. I do not belong to the Legion of the Damned.

174. My dad is not a High Lord of Terra.

175. I should not offer sexual favours of cyber mastiffs to Space Wolves. Even if they are interested.

176. Dark Angels are NOT a Chaos cult.

177. Our Most Glorious Emperor is not kept alive just so Emperor's Children don't inherit the throne.

178. Salamanders are not to be taught to fetch.

179. I do not have relatives among Orks.

180. I may not smash any diamond that belongs to the commander's wife even if I am sure that a demon is residing in it.

181. I am not an undercover Inquisitor.

182. Even if I have a two-headed eagle in my pocket.

183. Crimson Fists can find sexual partners.

184. Salamanders are not to be skinned.

185. Eldar Ambassadors are not interested in examining my rectum or using it to any other end.

186. Even if they are dressed the way they are.

187. Salamanders are not be cooked either.

188. Testing Space Marines detox implants is not a good idea. Even if they work.

189. There are no Night Lords out to get me while I'm supposed to take the trash out.

190. I may not keep lizardmen pets even if Tau can.

191. Uzoma are no chapter's librarians.

192. I should not program servo skulls to record what's going on in Commissar Janessa's room.

193. I should not try to repair cyber drones even though riding them would be cool.

194. I shall not shave Space Wolves.

195. Or their pelts.

196. Tau are not cute and crunchy.

197. I shall not recruit suicide bombers to replace our regiment even though they would do more damage and earn their salvation in process.

[PlaidRab]

198. I may NOT requisition an oversized Chibi Animal head helment, even if there were cats and frogs present in the recruitment poster.

[Cthclain]

199. I am not authorized to order an exterminus.

200. Sounding the Klaxons during the Space Marine prayers to "test them" is not allowed

201. Not even if I think I saw a demon.

202. No question why everything moves at the same speed.

203. The machine god's name is not Mircosoft

204. I am not allowed to give press releases to the public about ANYTHING.

205. the Emperor's name is not Bubba Joe

[The SkaerKrow]

206. The current Chapter Master of the Ultramarines is not named "Bickus Dickus"
207. Commissar Janessa is not and never has been attached to any "Rough Rider" unit.
208. Commissar Janessa is not interested in joining a "Rough Rider" unit, especially not yours.
209. Melta Weapons are not to be used for roasting Marshmellows.
210. Nor are they to be used as Hair Dryers.

[SirFozzie]

Poor Commissar Janessa

[Des]

211. The Chaos Legions are heretics against the order of man. They are not "the only space marines without sticks up their asses".

212. It is wrong to tell new IG recruits that the lost and the damned offer better health benefits.

213. Even if it is true.

214. Eldar captives are to be interrogated for information relating to our current conflict. Not for the location of their pot o' gold.

215. When negotiating the end of the current conflict, it is inappropriate to offer the Eldar ambassadors firewater and bogus treaties.

216. The astropaths are not "the emperor's hoes" nor is the emperor "the corpse daddy mac".

217. The current conflict is NOT a Humie Waagh.

218. There is no such thing as a Humie Waagh

219. I am not the warlord of the Humie Waagh.

220. The Dark Eldar are not emo

221. Trading poetry with Dark Eldar captives is wrong.

222. As is asking to be put on their LJ friends' lists.

223. Replacing the ancient in the dreadnaught suit with folger's crystals to see if his bretheren notice a difference is mean.

224. Even if the ancient thought it was funny too.

225. Necrons do NOT have a switch that can set them to "funk".

226. Nor do servitors

227. Or arco-flaggelants

228. And DEFINATELY not the emperor.

229. The emperor has NOT been set to "funk" for the last 40,000 years.

230. The Ordo Xenos has published perfectly acceptable manuals on dealing with the tyranid threat. "Kill it and Grill it" is not "the only text on the subject we need".

[Jason Hinds]

198. I may NOT requisition an oversized Chibi Animal head helment, even if there were cats and frogs present in the recruitment poster.

You win.

[Harrowed]

231. Leaving a pile of bloody skulls outside the Commissiars tent is wrong.

232. The sign saying "Blood and skulls wanted for the blood god." is more wrong.

[Jaelra]

230. The Ordo Xenos has published perfectly acceptable manuals on dealing with the tyranid threat. "Kill it and Grill it" is not "the only text on the subject we need".

Winnar!

[Count_Zero]

233. Setting the Emperor to "funk" will not lead him to form Parliament.

[Breogan]

59 - "Meat Shields, ATTACK!" Is not a proper battle cry.


Sure? I mean, I can imagine it has been said by more than one Commisar in their lifetime.

[Scurrilous]

220. The Dark Eldar are not emo


Are too!

Anyhow Commisar Jannessa shouldn't be wearing a bustier if she doesn't want that kind of attention.

[Scurrilous]

234 never ever shout SNAKES! In the valkerie or any other transport aircraft.

235 Blood on the Rafters isn't a song about how hard the seargent hit the ceiling when you did it.

236 Snakes don't fuck their mothers.

237 Tyranids aren't just poor rip-offs of an old earth vid reel.

238 R2D2 and C3P) aren't necrons

239 Don't fire at the vid again they're getting tired of replacing them.

240 Canned rations are not made of grox dung and ashes.

241 Even if your mom did regularly cook with them.

242 Your mom didn't date the emperor back in the day.

243 The emperor never attended Riverdale Highschool.

244 The imperial confessor didn't put poison in the Koolaid.

245 You are not Ziggy Stardust and the noise marines are not your studio musicians.

246 No mention is to be made of the noise marines who left your biovak because they were offended by the level of debauchery.

247 Slanesh is not your bitch.

248 Slannesh is not commisar Janessa's sub.

249 Imperial Assassins aren't gimp suited subs.

250 Vindicare Assasins don't suffer from penis envy.

[The SkaerKrow]

251. There's no significance in all Ratlings being named "Bilbo," "Frodo" or "Sam"
252. Rippers are not to be kept as pets.
253. Even if they followed you back to camp.
254. The Basilisk is not to be loaded with EZ Cheese.
255. Nor is it to be loaded with candy.
256. "Borrowing" the Emperor's Tarot for a pick up game of Cadian Hold'em is strictly prohibated.
257. Taunting the Astartes by dropping trow and yelling "HA! Mine still work!" is also strictly prohibited (See reference file Theta34812-M41.582b regarding the "Pvt. Deze's Nuts Incident")

[RabidBunny]

258. You are not to complain about the effectiveness of recently purchased grenades, they were not "better in the old days" and are still manufactured to the same high, exacting standards.

[SirFozzie]

Rise from your grave..

And just to make it on topic

259. You are NOT to say "Yo, Adrian" to every Catachan soldier you meet.
260. Nor call them John Rambo

[Max]

By popular request, ARISE!

261. Not allowed to refer to Canoness Dolores as "The Flying Nun".
262. Not allowed to refer to Marneus Calgar as "Papa Smurf".
263. Not allowed to say "Everything I say is a lie" to a machine spirit.

[Des]

From when private skippy finally falls to chaos and joins the damned:

1. Loyalist Imperial Guard do not have better health benefits, and it is wrong of me to tell new recruits that they do.

2. "Stupid for the stupid god" is not an appropriate warcry of khorne.

3. Nor is "Stink for the stinky god" regarding nurgle

4. Or "Sex for the sexy god" for Slaanesh.
4a. After consultation with the devotees of slaanesh, this one is acceptable. The others are still out.

5. The eternal, sanity destroying agony of the chaos drednaught cannot be calmed with the delicious taste of hostess cupcakes, and it is not nice to tell his handlers that it can be.

6. Summoning Bloodletters and Daemonettes is to be reserved for battle. It is not to be done just to play The Dating Game.

7. Even if the demons in question thought it was a good idea.

8. Starting betting pools on when Abaddon's latest Black Crusade will fizzle just hurts his feelings.

9. Khorne is not spelled P-E-D-O-P-H-I-L-E and it is wrong of me to tell the berzerkers that it is when they're making their warbanners.

10. Chaos Undivided is not "The Flip Flopper God of Chaos".

11. Teaching possessed predator tanks to sing "Sunshine and Lollipops" in battle is not a productive way to spend my time.

12. Abaddon does not have "daddy issues".

13. Nor are chaos lords in general promoted solely for having anger management issues.

14. The center of the chaos pantheon is not "Bizarro Emperor of Terra".

[Per Andersson]

.
10. Chaos Undivided is not "The Flip Flopper God of Chaos".


10b. Nor is it to be refered to as "Chaos Undecided".

[Max]

Skippy da Ork!
1. Don't ever, ever convert da hootch distillas inta Burnas wiffout tellin' da Boss. Same goes wit da bogs.
2. Try not ta laff uncontrolli... uncontra... uncorn... wildly every time Rokkit Boyz misfire. It bad for morale.
3. Paintin' my 'ead red don't make it work fasta than da Boss's.
4. Even if it does.
5. I'm one of tha Boyz, not "da man".

[Scurrilous]

From when finally chaos falls to private skippy and joins the damned:

Fixed yer typo...

[Jaelra]

By popular request, ARISE!

261. Not allowed to refer to Canoness Dolores as "The Flying Nun".
262. Not allowed to refer to Marneus Calgar as "Papa Smurf".
263. Not allowed to say "Everything I say is a lie" to a machine spirit.

263b - Nor does the Machine Spirit dream of electric sheep.

[Pope Nag]

Shas'la Skip'py ponders the Greater Good

1. A Firewarrior's rifle is that long for a good technological reason. He is not 'overcompensating for something'. Suggesting this does not promote the Greater Good.
2. Similarly, waving your rifle at some Gue'la guardsman en shouting that yours is bigger than his does not promote the Greater Good.
3. Even if it IS bigger than his. It is well known that Gue'la have inferior equipment.
4. Activating the stealth mode of the new XV-25 suits so that their pilots cannot find them in the morning does not promote the Greater Good.
5. Using combat drones as mounts is not permitted. Especially for racing purposes. Yes, Aun'Va rides a drone. No, that doesn't mean you can. Going on about this does not promote the Greater Good.
6. Reprogramming the sniper drones to go for crotch shots does not promote the Greater Good.
7. Nor does using their scope to spy on Commander Shadowsun in her tent.
8. Do NOT pet the Kroot Hounds.
9. Referring to our brave Vespid allies as 'yo, sixeyes!' does not promote the Greater Good.
10. Using a shield drone's defensive field to roast your marshmellows does not promote the Greater Good.

[Wiseblood]

Skippy joins the Eldar

1) Craftworld races around the Eye of Terror are NOT allowed.
2) Slaaneshi centerfolds hung up around the barracks will not encourage the Guardians to "get it on" thus saving the Eldar race.
3) No referring to the Fire Dragon Exarchs as "Captain Banana-Head"
4) Eldrad Ulthran does not need to "lighten up".
5) Nor do the Phoenix Lords need to "get laid".
6) Even if they do.

[Des]

And from all iteration of skippies regardless of race or political affiliation:

1. I am not to gather ancient historical records simply to prove that human weapons 40,000 years ago had an effective killing range dozens of times greater than even our most cutting edge weapons of today.

2. Nor am I to suggest that this is evidence of some "overcompensation conspiracy" by the officers to let them carry big phallic swords into battle without looking like ineffectual idiots.

3. The correct phrasing of the marching mantra is not "This is my projectile weapon, this is my gun, this is to fail to do anything the overwhelming majority of the time and this is for fun".