[actual play] WFRP TEW(2) [spoilers]

[BrynDll]

WFRP: The Enemy Within campaign

Earlier in the summer, my long-time gaming group embarked on the admirable WFRP first edition campaign ‘The Enemy Within’ (TEW), which I did intend to write up and post as an ‘actual play’ on these very forums, edifying the interweb with the ‘progress’ of, and, er, ‘gaming gems’ my players came up with over the course of this epic. While I possess extensive files, due to other commitments this actual play never materialised, but after session 10 I began to record those off-hand comments and exchanges that brightened each evening. Of course, these comments mean little in the absence of a continuous narrative – but hey, at least half the fun will be guessing why the hell we said these things! (and perhaps I’ll even get around to writing the damn thing up – only 20-or-so sessions in now, after all!)

As a footnote, while we are using the second edition rules, I have junked some of the frankly annoying changes to the background enacted to bring the setting closer to GW canon. So out go the shiny Grail knights and organised Magic Colleges, and in come pox-ridden, vice-laden Bretonnia and suspicious-smelling Wizards skulking in Universities. As my pet hate, irrespective of system, this also means that Elves MUST SUFFER, so, among other indignities, ‘Elf-players’ also roll on the physical deformity table during character creation (even if they do smell faintly of wild flowers).

The Protagonists:
This will make even less sense without some knowledge of the characters, so here is a brief bio:

Captain Adam of Ostland
An extremely sturdy and ‘gifted’ Halfling, Adam is a thief and a scoundrel, albeit a good-hearted one. Forced into a life of crime, this former tollkeeper has become amazingly adept at fleecing merchants and turning a tidy profit on each financial transaction – though recent legislative changes are making it increasingly difficult for independent traders to survive. A (little) man of many talents, Captain Adam doubles as ship’s Cook, chief Haggler and FaceMan™ for the group, and like all Halflings, Adam is hooked on the potentially harmful and highly addictive substance known to the common folk as Pie.

Imhol Stargazer
Amusingly, a city-bred Elf from Altdorf, whose Merchant family brought him up in the lap of luxury, far from the autumn call of the forests. An apprentice, and now a journeyman wizard of the Order of Light, his unending quest is to become a ‘proper’ Elf. Thus he carries a longbow, and is constantly on the lookout for some kind of connection to his woodland kin – with little success, it must be said. Imhol is quite short and extremely slight of build, yet is feared by the rest of his companions for his amazing ability to maim and kill in the most casually brutal of fashions, with either magic or with his bare hands…

Konrad the Black Eyed Hunter, aka Stony Eyed Killer, onetime known as Kastor Leiberung.
A quiet and reserved man, Konrad is more at home in the Wilds than among the civilisation and squalor of the Empire’s mighty cities. A devout worshipper of Ulric, he has often had to suppress his religious leanings in order to take part in some of the extra-legal capers his companions indulge in. Still, at least some of these activities have allowed him to pursue his goal to rid the Empire of its Chaotic taint. For a time he masqueraded as Kastor Lieberung – against his better judgement – and he has yet to shake off the bitter legacy of this assumed identity.

Llanifell ‘Tenderheart’ (gotta love those random tables…)
A recent addition to the troupe, Llanifell joined the group in Nuln, having observed the canvas plea (‘Elf Needs Master Badly’) Imhol had strapped to the side of the ship. Unfortunately, Llanifell is another Elf trying to get ‘back to the Wilderness’, having served many years as an indentured servant in Middenland. Tall and, er, masculine, for want of a better word, her most treasured possession is the Elfbow she carries.

Dr Leopold Ostenwald
This barber-surgeon turned physician is perhaps the most self-indulgent and venal member of the group – from his books and woodcuts, paintings, taste in clothing and women – Leopold is a thoroughly reprehensible character. Now a respectable physician and Ship’s Doktor, Leopold retains his not-so-secret fascination with ‘mechanical’ medical practices, and various other sordid and debased indulgences. For a man who almost became an initiate of Sigmar, few would have predicted the fall from grace that makes the soul of Leopold the most vulnerable to the baleful whispers of the insidious forces the group has encounterd. We have now also met Leopold’s sister, the mannish Hannah Osternwald, a notable pit and prize fighter.

…and their ship, Leopold’s Endeavour, replete with a Cursed Stove (can only produce Horrible Food), Secret Compartment (contains brandy stamped ‘Product of Sudenland’), a well-stocked Library of salacious penny-dreadfuls (well-thumbed), and a Ladies Passenger Cabin amply provided for with, er, ‘ventilation holes’.

Quote out of context:

Thus without further ado, here, for the first time and against my better judgement, are the promised in-game quotes and quips my players (and occasionally myself) came out with during play…

Session 10

Konrad: I’m knock him unconscious.
Leopold: You have ‘strike to stun’?!
Konrad: Er, no – I’ll just kill him.

Adam: I could really do with some pie!

Adam: Pie in this town really sucks!

Konrad: I hear you have a Chaos problem.
Magirius [NPC]: No, but I am somewhat concerned.

Session 11

Imhol: We’re being paid 4000 crowns to assassinate nine people!
Leopold: It’s not assassination. This is Sigmar’s work!

Konrad: Human sacrifice [nudge], could be a man…

Adam: You’re next sunshine!

Leopold: I’d better check her, medically (it is usual for this to be done in a state of undress).

Session 12

Konrad: Her husband got back – she’s insatiable!

Session 13

Konrad: Bodies for you, doctor.
Leopold: I need to examine them… I would like a live one.

Leopold: Healing herbs, Adam – I need stinging nettles!

Leopold: It’s my duty to attend you!

Leopold: To save you from the corruption, I’LL have all the money!

Leopold: You could give us all your money, and we could give it back at a later date…

Session 14

Leopold: Mess with the best, die like the rest!

Session 15

Leopold: He’s a weapon of mass destruction – we’re keeping him below decks!

Adam: Best pie this side of the river!

Klara [foxy lady NPC]: With a halfing?!
Adam: Have a look at THIS, love!

Session 16

Isembeard [NPC]: So you charge 40 crowns to just look at it?!

Leopold: Your taxes pay for this monstrosity!
Konrad: We are NOT stealing the telescope.
Leopold: I agree. WE are not stealing the telescope.
Konrad: No, YOU are not stealing the telescope either.

Leopold: It makes me sick, how mercenary and merciless you are.
Konrad: At least I don’t want to steal a telescope…

Session 17

Adam: He was better than me – I’ve never felt so rogered in my life!

Adam: Can I come in?
Leopold: [muffled] I’m with Imhol
Adam: WHAT!

Imhol: [gasps] Warpstone!
Leopold: How much do we need?

Imhol: It’s a book on necromancy!
Leopold: It is SCIENCE!

Leopold: To preserve the harmony of our working relationship…

Leopold: Shifty Halfings… just look how Adam backstabs…
Adam: Hey!

Session 18

Leopold: I want people to say: ‘there goes Leopold Ostenwald – I want to be him’.

Konrad: I want to serve Ulric and crush Chaos. Crush, kill, destroy – yeah!
Leopold: Can I hold your money in trust, then?

Leopold: Theft has got us everything we own!

Adam: Can you do anything for me, Doctor? Here, take a look!

Leopold: That’s a very noble profession. I think street tramp is a little harsh!

Session 19

Leopold: We need a woman, or a Halfling… how progressive – they could swap recipes!

Leopold: It looks like someone is torturing Mutants…
Konrad: Like you do.
Leopold: No!

Imhol: It’s the most evil place I’ve ever seen…
Leopold: There could be fifty of them, all in full-plate…
Adam: I could cook for them!

Adam: What d’you mean ‘you bought the magic beans’?

GM He couldn’t have felt more violated if you traded him down the docks to rough sailors.

Adam: It’s like we’ve been blessed by the Gods! A guilt-free piss-up!

Konrad: Goose her!

Konrad: You get to go where even her brother’s been!

Imhol: Konrad! She’s as bad as he is: an alcoholic sexual predator.

Session 20

Leopold: A pistol shows that when you kill someone, you’ve got the money to back it up!
Imhol: Along with the best-quality axe?
Leopold: Yes!
Imhol: And the full-plate armour?
Leopold: Yes!

Leopold: For a doctor – I kick ass! You guys are lucky to have me!

Konrad: So… for amputations, just stand back and you’ll shoot their legs off!?

Adam: I’m NOT a midget, I’m a Halfling, you bastard!

Leopold: I’ll not let you besmirch the honour of our companion, Konrad the Black Eyed Hunter!
Konrad: Hi [waves]

Konrad: You made him cry!
Adam: That’s the learning curve…

Konrad: We should get the chant going: ‘kill the midget! kill the midget!’. Er, actually, that would be bad.

GM: You plugged him in the buttocks.

Konrad: I hope you’ve learnt your lesson (though I know you haven’t).

Leopold: Imhol is such a nerd.

Session 21

Leopold: The Elf murders people in barroom brawls in a way that makes Steven Seagal look like a bumbling oaf!

Leopold [OOC]: That haughty look just turns me on (my character is emotionally erect!)

Leopold: Sounds like monkey-babble to me.

Adam: Imhol – what’s she saying?
Imhol: She says you’re HOT.

Leopold: ‘Cos that’s the kind of generous, big hearted person I am…

Konrad: [angry] I know what I’m doing!
Leopold: Why are you arguing with the Elf – he’s dangerous!
Konrad: I know! There’s two of them now – they’ll keep each other busy.
Leopold: But there’s two of them now! This is OUR Empire!

Llanifell: There’s now need for that, Human – maybe if I get shot…

Imhol: You said you were a scout.
Llanifell: No, I’m a hunter.
Inhol: What’s the difference?
Llanifell: Scout’s have horses.

Imhol: We saw a burning farm, and those two [Konrad and Llanifell] went out to investigate.
Adam: Were there any valuables?
Imhol: My Gods, Adam!
Adam: Oh yeah – poor people.

GM: There is a crude chopper.
Adam: Can we sell this?

Leopold: Adam, Konrad, help – push hard!

Konrad: Yeah – let’s kill the tranny goblin.

Llanifell [OOC]: Can I walk on snow like Legolas?
GM: F**king Elves.

[James Knevitt]

{snippity!}

Please tell me you're in Seattle. That's one group I want to get in on.

[BrynDll]

We're based in Exeter (Devon, UK)...

Another session of quotes to add!

Session 22:

GM: Imhol looked at it, and it died.

Leopold: YOU look for the Dhar, and I will look for anything that can be used in the upcoming struggle...

Konrad: Not unless you're interested in wrestling.

Konrad: Right. That makes her EVIL, so YOU can take anything you want.

Leopold: It's got a hammer on it, right? That's the symbol of Sigmar!

Konrad: We're taking the valuables out of the Hands of Evil.

Konrad: 50 guards in full-plate, or, a load of Goblins. I know which one I'd pick.

Konrad [OOC]: If she was going to kill you, Adam, you'd beat her to death with your wang.

Imhol: Take the oven.

Imhol: Somebody stop these cows before I kill them!
Llanifell [OOC]: "Said the Light Mage".

Konrad: You were worried about going to Grissenwald at all, and now you're suggesting we head into town with a big stuffed bear, a six foot lizard and a big wooden chest!?

Leopold: She's a f**king servant of Chaos!

Leopold: Aren't we destitute now? I'm prepared to mug Halflings for money.

Llanifell: Dry white wine and a perrier, please.

Adam: I am not going between his legs!

Leopold: We've been stuffed for 200 gold Crowns? NICE. Now we can go on a kill-crazy Rampage of Revenge!

Leopold: Anyone who doesn't want to get killed - clear off out back!

Leopold [OOC]: Adam's the only one with balls!

Adam: The way I see it, the amount of trouble you've caused us...

Leopold: They don't like you either.

Leopold: Every assassin we've had sent after us ended up dead - and we had their stuff!

Konrad: It's the Rozzers! Leggit!

[Monkey_Bloke]

Finally!

I'm the reprobate playing the thoroughly unpleasant (but a blast to play) Leopold.
He's kind of Withnail meets Uncle Monty meets Dr Frankenstien
I've been badgering our GM to post this for ages.

Reading back through some of these really made me laugh... good times...

[Doc Martin]

Typical juvenile nonsense - you'll be claiming to see flying monkeys everywhere next!

[BrynDll]

Session 23:

Adam: Do you want to get some ale?
Llanifell: Ale?
Adam: Yes please!

Adam: I’m half the size and I do twice the work!

Leopold: No, they’re mine and mine only.

Leopold: You have the right to kill people, and it’s legal.
Adam: I wouldn’t like to face an Elf Mutiny, though.

Llanifell: Help – there’s a pervert on deck!
Leopold: I was inspecting the side of the ship for, er, barnacles.

Adam: Did you ask her to give you a hand?

Leopold: Imhol! I need your healing powers… but now you’ve just healed splinters into my nob.

Llanifell: It’s human – don’t let it touch me!

Imhol: I’m going to check her out.
Adam: Be careful – old ladies turn into spiders… they do!

Imhol: We’ve got a job tomorrow.
Leopold: OK.
Imhol: We’re hunting down Demons.
Leopold: …WHAT!

Konrad: You’re the Face Man™, Adam, you talk to him!

Leopold: DID I GET HIM!?

Zavior Adana [NPC lowlife]: Here, there are tracks here…
Konrad: Yes. That was you.

[BrynDll]

Session 24:

Konrad: I didn’t take the horse in case I shat on him.

Konrad: Bodies for you doctor… it’s been a while since you’ve had any subjects.

Adam: [plaintively] Why doesn’t it end?

Leopold: Where does the talent for magic come from? The heart? The brain? The spleen?

Imhol: Konrad – am I doing the right thing?
Konrad: What? Stopping him boiling up a Beastman?

Konrad: I don’t think we should be messing around with Dark Powers on our stove.

Leopold: I think we should do what Imhol wants to do!

Adam: I’ve got a theory. If these guys don’t have any money, then someone else must have!

Imhol: Ok, you go see the doktor, and I’ll stay on the boat.
Leopold: Right! I’ll get my platemail.

Konrad: Mate. They’ll f**king eat you afterwards.

GM: So. You’re attacking them in the back, from behind, and they’re ignoring you.
Adam: OK.

Leopold: Life is cheap, and I can afford to kill!

Adam: It was self defence!
Llanifell: You hit him from behind and carved him into an ‘S’ shape!

Doktor Rosseau [NPC]: [shrill] I will not speak to murderers!
Leopold: Best case scenario, you could pin assault on us.

Adam: We just want to talk… and you’re making it very difficult…

Llanifell: Will your ‘reasoning’ include your straight-razor?
Leopold: Maybe…

Leopold: Dok-tor?! Come out and pl-ay!

Leopold: I am SO tempted to kill that woman!

Imhol: Did I hear gunshots?
Llanifell: Yeah! Leopold’s been killing his way across town.

Llanifell: These so-called ‘heroes’ are nothing but thieves and murderers.
Leopold: Who mentioned ‘heroes’?

Llanifell: Was that ‘self defence’ on the door?
Leopold: No. That was aggressive negotiation.

Leopold: Yeah. Keep going – I’m not interfering with the ecosystem here.

[BrynDll]

Session 25:

Imhol: Let’s not play with the beggars – they’re poor, unfortunate, people.
Konrad: Yeah, but you’re not there.

Leopold [OOC]: Elven mullets – full 80’s metal-heads!

Leopold: Never talk about this – to anyone!

Llanifell [OOC]: Looking about as subtle as a moose in a refrigerator.

Llanifell: He’s a raging incompetent with the heart of a maggot.

Leopold: THAT was a visitation from SIGMAR HIMSELF! Charging us with killing all the mutants in the castle and TAKING THEIR STUFF!

Konrad: Oh – there’s a load of embalming fluid in there.
Leopold: It’s mine!

Imhol: I’ve got a… rope.

Adam: Do you think there is something in there that can help us find Chaos?

Leopold: That’s MY sword.
Adam: What? And the shield?

Llanifell: I like how the Physician is bagging all the items – and why?

Adam: I’m going right up his tunnel!

Llanifell: We’re as brainless as we are incompetent.

Konrad: Mention that AFTER I GET IN!

Leopold: I’ll admit I didn’t think about the tentacle monster when I leapt in.

Llanifell: I’m an elf – I fight in a cowardly way.


There will now follow a short intermission for the Festive Season...

[BrynDll]

Session 26 [Llanifell absent]:

Leopold: If he’s not with us, he’s against us!

Konrad: I want to know what’s in there really, really badly.
Leopold: Look – let’s just do it. Indulge our whims…

Leopold: When Sigmar tells me to kill, I kill.
Konrad: Sack the place?
Adam: Ah – right.

Konrad: I get the feeling he wouldn’t have been friendly anyway.

Konrad: Do you reckon they’re EVIL beehives?

Adam: Handy.

Konrad: I steal an otter…

Konrad: …and now I take his boots.

Leopold [OOC]: Get her, Ray!

Konrad: I’m gonna’ go up and cut the head off this old dear.

Imhol: We’re going to get killed by cats!
Leopold: No, we’re not.
Imhol: Yes. That’s right – I could shut the door.

GM: [mumbles] …the cat gets an insanity…

Adam: I knew pussy would be the end of me!

GM: From behind you, there is the sound of unbelievably wet flatulence.

[BrynDll]

Session 27 [Llanifell absent]:

Adam: So, how do you destroy warpstone?
Konrad: What are you asking me for?!

Imhol: Theory A is optimistic, and Theory B is damage limitation.

Konrad: How about... you turn a blind eye or we leave you here?

Adam: I'm backing up - if I don't stay with these guys I lose my bonus!

Leopold: There was a light... I went towards the light...

Konrad: Yeah, look: it's a rice paddy now [laughs]... er, I suppose that's not really that funny...

NPC captain: What the f**k happened here?
Adam: I dunno [unconvincing]. Castles fall down all the time.

Leopold: How do we know the other four were "washed away"?

Leopold: Tax collector, criminal - same difference.
Konrad: [to Adam] You used to be a toll-keeper, didn't you?
Adam: Shutup!

[BrynDll]

Session 28:

Konrad: "Alchemical supplies", NOT "chemical surprise"!

Adam: I don't care - I don't want to be stopped and grassed up.
Konrad & Leopold: Grassed up for what?
Adam: The things that go "bloop"!

Acolyte [NPC]: Father Dietrich is closeted with visitors, I'm afraid.
Konrad: [makes an exceedingly crude gesture]

Konrad: You - look better.
Cheap Penny Whore [NPC]: Here - this should help [passes beer].

Adam: Whadda' guy!

Konrad: I kinda told him you were my student...
Llanifell: Why!?
Konrad: ...I was drunk.

Llanifell: Odd in a hardcore religious way.

Konrad: No! Not the elf - that would be too dangerous!
Imhol: Hey! That's not fair.

Leopold: For a skinny man, you're savage. Skinny men fight to the end.

Konrad: It was, like, "I'm not watching - it's too savage!"

Imhol: Piss off or die!

[BrynDll]

Session 29:

Out of game quote for the evening: "Lateral thigh trainer"

Adam: Where's Marienburg, my second-in-command?

Imhol: Hmm... does that take us past the Elf Forests?

Adam: I am NOT getting my cock out in the Temple of Sigmar.

Leopold: The ship is good for only one thing: getting me from place to place to do Good Deeds.

Adam: Did you cook this, or did you spit it out your ass?

Imhol: You've CANCELLED our cargo?!

Leopold: See - it's a family here.

Leopold: I'm sorry - does it make you feel uncomfortable to be thought of as a little boy?

Adam: So - what do you actually want?
Leopold: To destroy the Forces of Chaos!
Adam: So - what happens when you've done that?
Leopold: well... I'll retire.

Imhol: Remember - there are no mutants in the Empire.
Leopold: Bullshit! I'll kill 'em all!

Leopold: Everyone knows: God trumps Emperor.

Llanifell: Verbal contract - not worth the paper it's written on.
Leopold: Shutup!

Leopold: How often do YOU hear gods?

Adam: I don't have emotional needs - unless I'm going into the backstreets with a cheap penny whore.

[BrynDll]

Session 30 [Leopold absent]:

Llanifell: He's gone mad.
Konrad: That's not true. He was insane before - it's just got a different focus now.

Konrad: I'm gonna' save a box of bilge-goo, so I can cover my scent while I'm hunting.

Konrad [OOC]: According to Wikipedia, the "Magister Impedimenta" is a magical Asterix character.

Llanifell: So he's naked under his cape and he's covered in bird crap. He's either a stalker or a flasher.

Konrad: He'd f**king mainline pie, if he could.

Konrad: I don't know why, but I'm compelled to keep watching...

GM: Let me see you take on five halflings on their second career!
Konrad [OOC]: I won't bother. I'll let my horse do it.

Imhol [OOC]: Halflings are lacking in one respect.
GM: Yes: respect.

Adam: We actually really need to take some limbs off.
Imhol: They really said that?
Adam: ...no.

Imhol: I'm not going to fight - I'm going to heal!

Imhol: Why do you suggest we get clubs?
Konrad: It's safer than bloody axes!
Adam: Not with him [Imhol]!

Imhol: And you don't know what he looks like?!

Adam: We could send some Halfling kid in to buy some drugs.

Llanifell: Noble kids with Dad's credit card buying the brown...

Konrad: You might even be able to sell that here.
Adam: I bought it here!

Konrad: I can't believe I just had to buy my own otter!

Konrad: I can't help but laugh - Imhol the Mighty is a pauper!
Adam: Yeah! But let's not tell him - he might melt us.

Imhol: They'll send men after you to confiscate the cargo, and we'll have to kill them.
Llanifell: This from the man who abhors violence!

Konrad: I think it's best if I sleep in Imhol's cabin...

[BrynDll]

Session 31:

Leopold: Sweet! Let’s go!

Adam: CSI Altdorf, ‘innit.

Gumptrude Talltree [NPC]: Are you happy now?! Now my shame is exposed?
Konrad: I _am_ happy now.

Konrad: I know you’re a Halfling, but you’ve spent enough time around us to count as a real person.

Imhol: Do you think they’re taking organs to animate another one?
Leopold: …what are you on?!

Leopold: Dr. Becker is definitely a suspect. He’s got the right sort of tapped attitude for it – he even stole corpses for medical research. I know this ‘cos I was stealing them as well.

Barman [NPC]: You expecting trouble, lads?
Konrad: Yes, if you call him ‘pointy’ again.

Adam: I love this stuff! What is it?
Hannah Ostenwald [NPC]: Paraffin.

Leopold: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Leopold: I have no money.
Konrad: You still have Imhol’s money.
Leopold: Oh yeah! How much IS in my codpiece?

Leopold: Admittedly, when I SAID codpiece, I didn’t MEAN third leg.

Adam: Stolen? What kind of person do you think I am?

Leopold [OOC]: Then I become a Witch Hunter, and just masturbate over myself…

Llanifell: Your assets are _totally_ unconnected to his.

Imhol: How much money did you give away?!
Leopold: …all of it?

Imhol: I NEED my money!
Leopold: Don’t worry! I’ll sign the boat over to you!
Konrad: But then they’ll ‘repo the ship, and we’ll be consigned to hotel fees for the rest of our lives.

[BrynDll]

Session 32:

Imhol: Feel free to gloss over or outright lie.

Llanifell [OOC]: It's not a roleplaying game until someone makes a 'shag bird' roll.

Llanifell: I'm not doing anything with that human trash!

Maximillian Kraemer [NPC]: How about over there, by that wall - standing up.
Llanifell: What!?

Konrad: So - we got the licence then?

Maximillian Kraemer [NPC]: This would be a business association... have you never had a business PARTNER before?

Adam: What a f***ing disaster!
Konrad: That guy was a rampant pervert.
Adam: For some reason, I got on really well with him...

Konrad: We didn't get the trading licence - the old guy was a filthy old bastard.

Llanifell: You've been humanised by these scum!

Llanifell: Why are we going there?
Leopold: We're going to murder some guys.

Adam: I... might have done something stupid.
Llanifell: What?
Konrad: You mean "what now?"

Konrad: Even I don't beat women. Where's Imhol?

Imhol: Can we not use our names while extorting money?
Konrad: Sorry Imhol.

Adam: Don't make me send in the Elf!

Leopold: Just because you ran up my ass!

Leopold: zzzzzzzzzzzz... Kill

Llanifell: Adam's had a bad day - he's been beaten up by a washerwoman.

[BrynDll]

Session 33 [Konrad absent]:

OOC quote for the evening "pounding through multiple layers of crust"

Leopold: Carnie folk. Small hands, smell of... cabbages...
Llanifell: F*** you!
Leopold: I bet Carnie Elves smell of cabbages.

Leopold: I ready to cock my pistol in a manly way.

Cosimo Doni [NPC cardshark]: ...and what about you? are you willing to do _anything_ for the money?

Adam: If I ask my contacts, they'll probably end up asking me to rough up some old lady.
Llanifell: Nothing wrong with that.

Llanifell: A man of sublime confidence.

Galinna Stargazer [NPC]: The privations we were forced to endure - I was forced to share a servant with your father on several occasions.
Llanifell: That's so Freudian!

Imhol: We're... invited to a soiree this evening.
Leopold: oohhhh... I'll have to wear my hessian!

Leopold: So what's your plan for the evening?
Adam: To get pissed!

Llanifell: When elf faggots go out!

Adam: I heard that a Witch Finder was lynched in Schoppendorf.
Leopold: WHERE IS SCHOPPENDORF?!

Llanifell: It's better than dealing with that scumbag Kraemer... you made a deal with him, didn't you?!

Leopold: I did tell them you were quite trustworthy, and not mutant.

[BrynDll]

Session 34 [Leopold absent]:

OOC quote of the evening:
"F*** me, Kev! You've ate them all!"
"I only had two"
"There were only three to start with!"

"Get out of the f***ing way, Steven [Hawkins]"

Imhol: No, not even by divine intervention will he have them.
Konrad: Yeah - f*** Sigmar!

Llanifell [OOC]: This is Sweden we're talking about.
Konrad: Yeah - Chaos filth!

Konrad: Now that's NOT what I expected to see.

Adam: It's not an excuse, it's a reason. If it was an excuse, I'd stutter.

Konrad: It's a Grim World for them as well, but I'm the one with the shield and axe.

Konrad: The problem is, I've got to hand it over to these two perverts to cook!

Llanifell: I'll wait and see if he can move it on his own - it's a bit rainy out there.

Konrad: What!? A Ruinous Parsnip!?

Witch Hunter [NPC]: Is he an Upright Soldier of Sigmar?
Imhol [deadpan]: Yes.
All: [sniggers]

Llanifell: Is the little boy-man snuggling there?

Llanifell: He's war-horny. You can't leave him without a fight now.

GM: He [Witch Hunter] says a REAL prayer.

[Doc Martin]

How long will this farrago go on for - disgraceful!

[BrynDll]

Session 35 [Leopold absent]:

Llanifell: You're a Tribble, man, a giant Tribble.
Adam: I like to think of myself as 'toned'.

Adam: No, gold never corrupts.

Imhol: He grips you with his thighs and you stay on.

Adam: I'm not going in there!
Llanifell: Looks like a dungeon... might be GOLD in there.
Adam: Let's go then.

Konrad: Great. Let's get in there and kill 'em.

Llanifell: The Pent Up Forces of Evil.
Imhol: Yes, we heard you the first time.
Llanifell: I know. I just thought I'd say it again.

Konrad: No, it means she'll have a pussy with teeth.

Konrad: 'Warp-Halflings'!
Adam: Have you ever seen any?
Konrad: ...er.

Llanifell: I hate Furries.

Llanifell: Which evil blasphemer?!
Imhol: No, I'm a _good_ blasphemer!


Session 36 [Leopold AND Konrad absent!]

OOC quote of the evening: "Yeasty folds"

Llanifell: A longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels - and that's coming from me!

Konrad [as NPC]: Adam! What do we do?! I'm scared!

Imhol: If we smash it with a hand weapon it might spray us with its fluids.
Adam: Yeah. Let's send Konrad in.

Llanifell: Are we going to have to hide it in a box and place it under the Temple of Sigmar in a warehouse full of blasphemous artefacts?
All: ...?

Llanifell: There's a solid wall of child-flesh between us and the exit?

Imhol: Konrad? Can you empty that boot? The squelching is really annoying me.

Imhol: No man should go to his grave like that.

GM: They're the size of... a large domesticate.
Adam: What - a fat housewife?

Llanifell: You're being humped to death with a cow-mutant.

GM: Konrad empties his bowels [again].

GM: Konrad curls himself into a foetal ball and there is the sound of uncontrollable flatulence.

[BrynDll]

Session 37 [Llanifell absent]:

OOC quote for the session: "Steve's easy-access flap"

Leopold: ..."come to my place, I've got problems with bowel movement"?

Konrad: Ulric! and I thought I was in the shit this morning!

Leopold: No. No-one is hiring the mother of my child as a bodyguard when she's pregnant.

Konrad: It's Vegas-Time!

Leopold: I'm going to need a best man, and as much as I like you, you're the only human around here.

Leopold: Second-best man?

Konrad: So... how much d'you think it'll cost to hire a whole whorehouse?

Leopold: I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole... HER, on the other hand...


Session 38:

OOC quotes for the evening:
"Withered dugs"
"This is the man who ate a Phaal and lived"

Adam: My mate's just found out he's got a bird up the duff, and now it's a crossbow wedding.

Konrad: It's a place where women... work.

Konrad: By Ulric! what DO elves do?! Stroke each others' ears?

Konrad: Why on earth would you want to go on a hen night?
Llanifell: So he can see a naked man.

Konrad: Take one of the elves with you - they're hard enough.

Adam [OOC]: Will he be singing the theme-tune to Shaft?

Hannah Ostenwald [NPC]: I wanna to see his tight little tush gyrating!

Llanifell: I'm not going to some cheap flophouse just to see some vile gorilla flop his bits out!

Konrad: You're forgetting he used to be a drunk, lazy pervert.
Leopold: I've got a wife and child to support!

Adam: We'll sneak up the back alley.

Konrad [OOC]: Don't roll for it! You'll kill him!

Imhol: No. He's hired a cheap dockside whorehouse.
Leopold: Sweet!

Imhol: I might head off now.
Leopold: What? Off to your parents?

Hannah Ostenwald [NPC]: Show us your bits!

Llanifell: Those two women I went with - they're the most wretched and depraved people I've ever met.
Konrad: It's Leopold's wife and Leopold's sister - what did you expect?
Llanifell: ...they're in jail.

Llanifell: You know what they're like...
Watchman [NPC]: Yes, tell me how vile we are.
Konrad: As you're determined to make this bribe more expensive for me, yes please DO explain how vile we are.

Hannah Ostenwald & Marie (Ostenwald), together [NPCs]: Go on, get your kit off!
Konrad: What the bloody-hell's going on?!

Hannah Ostenwald [NPC]: Two bottles of wine is NOT a hen night.

Konrad: Have you ever been... interfered with by two women?

Llanifell: Two sexually aggressive pitfighters and a retard.

Leopold: This is my wedding day. Why are you talking to me about war dogs?
Imhol: ...because it was going to be a wedding present.

Konrad: Are you honestly saying "we're going to need a bigger boat"?

Leopold [OOC]: NO, that ain't going to happen. Under no circumstances am I trading vows with Steve.

[BrynDll]

Session 39 [Konrad absent, Adam is drunk]:

OOC quotes for the evening:
"It's time for the mandatory rabbit molesting!"
"Domestic violence has happened in this game. We're addressing real issues here."

Adam: Oh Yeah! 15 years old and ripe!

Adam: What's she going to do? Blame her parents for getting eaten all her life?

Marie Ostenwald [NPC]: I'm your wife. I have needs.
Leopold: I agree. When you make some breakfast, I'll have some too.

Llanifell: No, I'm too bitter and twisted after watching this maggot-breeding episode.

Llanifell: You should have 'BUMFIGHTS' tattooed across your forehead - that'd be cool.

Imhol: I'll go and meditate up a tree.
Leopold [whispers]: what a loser!

Adam: ...that guy. He's been done by Der Henker.
Llanifell: ...so?

Leopold: They were torn off during wild, passionate lovemaking.
Walter Konig [NPC]: I'm sure it was done in the best POSSIBLE taste.
Leopold: No. It was wild, violent and savage.

Llanifell: A distinct lack of Elven choirboys - that's what it means.

[BrynDll]

Early Session Quotes:

[these leavings culled from going through my notes]

Leopold: Chaos-worshipping filth who need to be put down like dogs!

Adam: It's not stolen! It was taken fair n' square!

anon. [Konrad?]: We could pre-emptively murder her?

Leopold: He committed the ultimate sin and testified against Roadwardens gone bad... now he's an outlaw hunting outlaws, a bounty hunter, a renegade!

[BrynDll]

Session 40:

OOC quotes for the evening:

"I am NOT taking random tabs'"

"Are you going to have a montage?"

"I tell the brick story all the time - I'm well proud of that one!"

"I don't have a girlfriend. That's why I need a professional"

"Does it matter if it's between two consenting adults?"
"It does if one of them is a paladin"
"No, that was three consenting adults"

Konrad & Llanifell [as one]: [faux Irish accent] Nice husband you've got there. It'd be a shame if anything... happened to him.

Leopold: Demand to see them!
Konrad: Yeah. If she's flogged them - beat her!

Generic Peasant [NPC]: Well, you get a bit bored at night, after you've been toiling in the fields all day. That's why we like to headbutt cats to death in the evening.

Leopold: What happened?
Konrad: Dunno. Perhaps someone tried chatting up the elves.

Leopold: What WERE you doing?
Generic Peasant [NPC]: It's a local sport!

Konrad: I never thought Leopold would be the voice of reason in a pub.

Heartbroken Simple Peasant Girl [NPC]: I'll wait for you!
Konrad: I shouldn't bother, we're not coming back this way.

Konrad: I think you'll find I was sitting back and treating it all as street theatre.

Konrad: No, it stops counting when I LOWER my eyebrow.

Konrad: I was going to say 'murder', but actually we'll be committing 'acts of justice' on them.

Adam: I've been up for 12 hours straight now!

GM: ...a tall and honest-looking man.
Leopold: He's guilty as f**k!

Llanifell: You think everything's a trap!
Imhol: That's why I'm still alive...

Leopold: Ah, no. I'll give him a decent burial.
Konrad: You've got to go through a load of new mental checkpoints now, haven't you?

Leopold: Are you 'dissing my faith?
Imhol: Am I bovvered?

Llanifell: There's nothing less subtle than sailing upriver in a bloody big boat and waiting to be piratised!

Leopold: What d'you mean? I've got my pistol loaded and ready!

Konrad: It's only a halfling. Let's not get upset.

Imhol: For you, the day you met us was the most important day of your life. For us, it was a Konigstag.

Llanifell: Would you like me to paint a bullseye on my head and play the bangles?!

Leopold [shouting]: Lady Etelka! How pleasant to meet you! I've had your painting in my cabin for the longest time!

[BrynDll]

Session 41:

Konrad: The three Beastmen say: "They CAN be hurt!"

Imhol: Lower the anchor and prepare to be boarded!

Konrad: That's right - we've got our girlfriends ready to go!

GM: Yep. That one's been nailed by the kill-stealer.

Leopold: I can't kill him, so the best I can do is hold him off until Imhol kills him.

Leopold: This woman used to be in my spank-bank and now I'm stepping in her brain?
Konrad: Get her downstairs - she's still warm.
Llanifell: She was hit in the head - you don't need the head!

Imhol: So let's get this right. We've disarmed him, stripped him, checked him for mutation and the Taint of Chaos - and THEN you execute him?

[BrynDll]

Session 42:

Konrad: What d’you mean? Declare the excess to his dad? …oh yeah.

Llanifell: The Elf way is NOT sportsmanlike.

Konrad: I’m going in!
[Imhol’s player hands Konrad’s player the PC generation section of the rulebook]

Imhol: No, that’s the smell of inevitability.

Leopold: Who is sneaky? Show of hands.
All: …

Konrad: I went shouting “we’ve both had your mum, we’ve both had your mum”.

Llanifell: Wow. Steering the Rocketship of Capitalism to the Planet Ka-Ching!

Imhol: I can either save them, or I can save us…
Konrad: Don’t you mean “I can save them or I can save me”?

Llanifell: Your wife lasted about 0.2 of a second, so of course I’m running!

Konrad: You killed my horse!


Session 43 [Konrad absent]:

Llanifell: Let me get this right. We go out. We find nine Beastmen. They come back here and kill us. Then we go out for more?

Leopold: Fire cleanses pretty well!

Leopold: Nooooooooooo!

GM: Leopold swoons and falls to the ground – he's pallid and clammy to the touch, and his legs feel like they have gone to water.
Llanifell: Yeah. We keep going.

Llanifell: We’ll have to check you into a hotel with rubber wallpaper.

Llanifell: We’ll call it “doing a Konrad” from now on.

GM: …there comes the sound of a mirror shattering and the slithering of a mighty reptile in your mind…
Llanifell and Imhol: [shrugs]

Llanifell: Let’s just moor up here and wait for someone to come.
Imhol: Yeah – but someone set fire to the forest.
Llanifell: Let’s go!

Imhol: I’m not given to violence… I DO have a violent temper…
Llanifell: Is this a revelation? “I’m a psycho!”?

Adam: Whoa! Does that include my gimp girl?

Adam: It’d set you up for life! You could start a shop selling Lucky Heather!

[BrynDll]

Session 44 [Konrad absent, Adam is slightly drunk]:

OOC quotes for the evening:

"...says the man who is the demigod of the spankbank"

"Peter Mandelson - he's your hero?! Eughh!"

"He was having personal problems and so he went out and paid rentboys to shat on him?"

"The Elves are like Italians!"


Leopold: My cash represents my ability to kill things better.

Leopold: Anyone employing those Hellcoins will be bitchslapped and killed by me.
Imhol: But remember: we'll be ignoring your first two hits!

Leopold: If you do become a priest of Shallya you're more likely to get some pussy that a priest of Morr.

Llanifell: Is there no depth to which this halfling won't descend?
Leopold: A wretched creature indeed.

Adam: I want to ask a young girl if she wants a toke on my pipe.

GM: The priest asks you "are you sure you venerate the Lord of Death, and do not simply revel in killing?"
Leopold [OOC]: Imhol would become emotionally erect if he worshipped Ulric!

Imhol: We have to find Father Dietmar.
Leopold: As long as he points me towards something I can kill...

Adam: He said that?!
Leopold: Well, perhaps.

Leopold: Yeah. We can burn him! That'll prove he was... good?

Adam: All religions are equally valid.
All: No!

Leopold: You have a trained surgeon and you let the faith-healer look at him!

Imhol: I can't help thinking that trying to follow the Beastmen in the dark isn't a good idea.
Leopold: Yeah, but it would be cool.

Leopold: We're not taking civilians this time - there will be less casualties.
Llanifell: They were pit fighters! They were better at fighting than we are!

Leopold: Adam's got massive bulging sacks? I thought he'd got that out of his system with the little girls.

[BrynDll]

Session 45:

OOC quote for the evening:

“That’s the rule of Warhammer: it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re covered in shit”

Leopold: I can afford 19 wardogs!

GM: A gigantic, naked, pallid figure tears through the iron shuttering of its prison and reaches one mighty hand forward to crush your puny form!
Adam: …is it male or female?

Konrad: Wretched Elves.

Konrad: Have you noticed he seems quite tense?

Leopold: I move another 3 yards.


Session 46:

Leopold: I wanna’ touch the monolith! [queue theme music]

Konrad: Leopold – have you ever thought what it would be like to be torn apart by four dogs? Well I’ve got four dogs and a can opener.

Leopold: Is there some kind of savage beating going on in there? I want in!

Leopold: Are you mocking my faith!?

Leopold [OOC]: My rerolls are for a defensive purpose only – and for cooking.

Konrad: If you want me to join you, stay away from my midget!

Llanifell: Is Imhol fighting anyone? No? That’s the main thing.

Konrad: Yeah, but I’ve got this f**king midget saying we’re mates.

Llanifell: It would be funny if he did – it would add DRAMA.

Leopold: I liked it better when you just did the killing.

Leopold: We can save the leg, but unfortunately you’ll lose the genitals.

Konrad: Yeah, why don’t we equip him with an Elf?

Llanifell: I like that the tax collectors rate up there with the forces of Chaos.

Llanifell: Corrupt!? Says the man who shot the Pope’s bodyguard in the face!

Leopold: I’m not an Anarchist or a Stateist – I’m a me-ist.


…and as we’ve finally(!) made it to Middenheim, I’m taking a month off to read and reread the senario. See you all in July for the continuation of these Reprehensible Ramblings…

[Doc Martin]

And still this opprobrious salmagundi continues! Disgusting!

[BrynDll]

The return of the Miscellaneous Out of Context quotes:

Session 46 [Konrad absent]:

Llanifell: I like the logic here: “I’m being taxed so the place must be utterly corrupt”.

Llanfell: This is progressive taxation!
Leopold: This is Bullshit!

Adam: In and out and blow it up!

Llanifell: Why are you talking to those human vermin?

Another Player as an NPC Random Thug [OOC]: I’m going for damage – but not the kind you can rub off your character sheet…

Another Player as an NPC Random Thug [OOC]: Of course I’m trying to grapple him – he’s got an axe and I have my wiener out.

Leopold: Ar Ulric? If there is ROT at the core, I bet it’s him…

Leopold [OOC]: If Buffy has taught me anything, it’s anyone who wears leather trousers is EVIL.

Adam: I own this dive – I’m a Slum Lord!

Leopold: …so we can leave the dogs with the horses as they have a taste for manflesh, not horseflesh…

Leopold: Did you cut HIS balls off as well?
Llanifell: I didn’t have time.

Llanifell: Let me get this straight: you, THE FANATIC, are lecturing me on moderation?!
Leopold: You don’t cut a man’s balls off. It’s rude.

Leopold: Were they Chaos squatters?


Session 47:

Llanifell: They were lice. They were better off in the gutter.

Llanifell: You’re associating with human effluent.

Leopold: So basically you like women outside of your own species.

Konrad: Which one gave us the fleas – the hooker, the sewers or the prison?

Konrad: “I wonder what that wagon of goods is doing by that massive bum-fight?”

Llanifell: They were dangerous men.
Konrad: So is he [pointing to Leopold]!
Leopold: I am no Elf!

Random Thug [NPC]: So… what’s yer name?
Konrad: …Ron. …Ron Grey Eye.


Session 48 [Konrad absent]:

OOC quotes for the evening:

“This is what Paul aspires to be: Prince Voltan!”

“Your character wears nothing but a thong? Classy”

“Indy games… some intellectual vomit on a page, and there you are”

“He’s embracing his inner cheerleader” “Alllllrrright”

“You shouldn’t metagame in this way. You should be a Soul Player like me”

Llanifell: Let me say: I don’t start fights.

Llanifell: Lying human detritus!

Leopold: White powder makeup, wig and a spot – you’d be the MAN!

Llanifell: Imhol’s in denial – he HAS killed his way across the Empire.

Imhol: …and now the real hard work begins.
Adam: Sod it. I’m going to get a chicken.

Leopold: You’ll find that Imhol and I weren’t going ‘Johnny Solo’ over in Moss Side!

Adam: I’m going to kill them – they’re gonna’ die…

[BrynDll]

Session 49:

OOC quotes for the evening:

“It’s ‘cos I like Kev and want to be him”
“…and there was me, just about to say it was all entirely coincidental”

“You could work for the BBC with unwitting bias like that”

“I gonna’ go home and smell a cabbage”

Llanifell: On the plus side, I won’t be murdering anyone else. well, until someone else pisses me off.

Adam: You haven’t got any cream have you?

Llanifell: We need to shave the halfling?
Leopold: Completely.

Leopold: So you went to murder someone – you know that’s wrong?

Llanifell: I don’t like this word “murdering” – it’s extremely hypocritical.

Leopold: You go to school, I’ll go to therapy, and then we’ll kill the Big Cheese.

Leopold: Of course, we’ll have to lie about that bit. That’ll be Adam’s job.
Imhol [OOC]: …who has no re-rolls.

Leopold: That’s why we’re going to have to wear masks.

Konrad [OOC]: Yeah, “Sorry about the fate point – here’s a pie”

GM: Ok, you’ve got a bag of bleeding meat.
Adam: I go to my room.

Adam: …sorry, I don’t know that one – d’you wanna’ try again?

Konrad: That’s the point. I’m trying to get them to stop eating the flesh of the living.

Llanifell: You’re going to be date-raped by my sister. I can’t believe it!

Imhol: Are you on drugs?
Konrad: I think so, either that or I had a really great day for no reason.

Adam: To be honest, I’d like to see them dead, but I can wait a day…

Farrandar [Llanifell’s NPC sister]: You have such lovely friends Llanifell!
Llanifell: I’ve come to regard them as people I know.

Leopold: If we’re going to hit the Old Quarter tonight, then don’t drink the tea.
Konrad: Oh, right [drinks tea].

Llanifell: Oh, how your standards have fallen… I’m gonna’ do something about you!

Konrad: Yeah? What the f**k are you doing here if you’re not gonna’ do the drugs and the girls?! Get the f**k outta’ here!

Leopold [OOC]: It’s a tradeoff: hot vs. cabbage!

Llanifell: What I’m saying is: they may be Pikey Scum, but at least they’re still better than human Pikey Scum!

Leopold: Adam – d’you think that’s a polite subject of conversation?

Leopold: What happens when you get your axe back?
Adam: I’ll sell it for a profit.

Konrad: I’ve always been told you had to pay at church…

Leopold: I wouldn’t trust your family to guard a pie!

Leopold: Fine. I’m not going to kick the Big Cheese’s door in without Imhol rocking with magical might.

Konrad: You might as well have offered him 50p: “Tell me where the dangerous Crimelord is” “No” “Well, you won’t be seeing this then!”

Llanifell: Imhol’s descended into the sewer now he’s lost his virginity…

[BrynDll]

Session 50 [Konrad absent]

OOC quotes for the evening:

"In the valley of the ultra-cock"

"I can guarantee I'll buy the 4th Edition Player's Handbook"
"Yeah? But you buy all this indy shit as well"

"Oh my God! Is this indy vomit?"

"I can't believe you bought a Fusion book. You might as well give your money to the tramps on Exeter High Street next time - you'll get more value for money!"

"[Fusion] The poorest system ever released, except perhaps for Tunnels and Trolls, which I bought, but I was young and naive"

"Your character is the min-max monster! How many archery talents do you have?
"Four"
"Four! AND a BS of 90!"

Leopold: More to the point, I think this is a criminal I can f**k up!

Leopold: Best case senario, we rip up the floor and find a hidden temple underneath.

Llanifell: It's because he doesn't believe in the welfare state - he's a capitalist apologist.

Llanifell: The Taxman's getting his balls chopped off with a hammer!

Llanifell: He's one of the guys who's rotten - go over and hit him!

NPC: ...and how does Imhol decide who are his enemies?
Leopold: If they f**k with him, or, if they're mean to cats.

Imhol: Are you doing this in a state of undress?
Leopold: No, I'm looking at his hips and legs.

Leopold: A skeletal-build elf? You'll look like a chemo-victim (like Gollum)!

Leopold: Let Adam do the talking - it's funnier!


Session 51:

OOC quotes for the evening:

"Wrestling fans are the same kind of people who go to monster truck rallies"

"The Rules made you character gay!"

"Anyway, you reckon DS9 is better than Babylon 5"
"Get out!"

Imhol: Adam, can I ask you a favour? Hold the lantern while I wield my axe.

GM: Tiny globules of a clear fluid hang from the cavern ceiling, suspended on hairline threads...
Leopold: Is herbalism gonna' work for these?
GM: Do you have any experience of caving?
Leopold: Is herbalism gonna' work for these?

Konrad: If we encounter any mutants with animalistic senses - like Ratmen or... BigNose men - they'll smell us coming.

Konrad: "Ah! That's [sniffs] a human and [sniffs again] a halfling, and [sniffs] a couple of bunches of petunias?!"

Leopold: Oh come on! This isn't flavour text - it's a trap!

Konrad: I can confirm. _Imhol_ learns from our mistakes.

Leopold: You can't listen with the lights on?
Imhol: No.
Leopold: F**k.

Konrad: "Yeah! Well-endowed Himshe Gods!"

Leopold: I'll get the sledgehammer out and knock the dong out of his hand.

Llanifell: The Ruinous Dong, the Warp Phallus.

Llanifell [OOC]: I'm not a hero! It's "a grim world of perilous adventure", and I'd go home.

Adam: Is it a cupboard, or more of a closet?

Konrad: If this goes wrong, then we can always blame the elves.
Llanifell: I didn't even want to come down here!

Llanifell: Whenever you guys see Beastmen you get war-horny.

Konrad: Just 'cos Imhol's been shot [by Llanifell, accidentally] once doesn't mean we're all gonna die!

Konrad: I'm sorry if the lice don't care if you get upset.

Llanifell: I'm not saying I'm better than you in combat, I'm just saying I'm better than you.

[BrynDll]

Session 52 [Llanifell absent]:

And so we return, gentle readers, after an unannounced absence...

Imhol: Look at it!
Leopold: Don’t look at it!
Imhol: Look at it!

Konrad: Imhol failed?! It’s like finding out there’s no Santa!

Adam: It’s a-cysting him!

GM: …Ruinous Stools.

Leopold: They want to check you for signs of mutation (this will involve nudity).

Leopold: A little bit of pleading will be required.


Session 53:

Konrad [OOC]: Look – it’s on the f**king sheet!

Konrad: Oh, I don’t know – everyone seems to get on alright with Imhol.

Leopold: You know who the single best person for this is, apart from one minor problem.
Konrad: Yeah, Llanifell won’t do it.

Leopold: I don’t give a shit, I want to f**k up an Elf!

Leopold [OOC]: I was perfectly non-racist until I met your character.
Llanifell [OOC]: I was perfectly non-racist until I met YOUR character!

Leopold: I said that to my therapist days ago.

Konrad: My dogs will be getting hungry – they’ll be eating the landlord.

Leopold: Tell Imhol, at the Temple.
Konrad: Imhol Stargazer.
Leopold: Don’t use his surname!
Konrad: Too late now.

Llanifell: You, me and the halfling in this room, and the scumbag’s f**ked off. Great!

Leopold: …er, no. I didn’t kill any. I got shot in the head and didn’t kill any.
Imhol: But I’m sure I remember thinking: “Woah! He’s got one!”.

Adam: If you wanted to kill his dogs, then that might not be a bad idea.

Imhol: I’ve woken up Llanifell and she’s coming.
Konrad: Oh well, never mind.

Konrad: That would be like taking Chaos in your mouth…

Leopold: Everything was great until she turned up. AND my wife was still alive.

Llanifell: How nice. The first non-louse I’ve ever been hit on by.

Llanifell: I won’t use that precise language as I’m in polite company, but I’ll explain how he’s in therapy for being a psychotic.

Konrad: Now he’s a crazy zealot bastard.

Leopold: Great! More chance of death.

[BrynDll]

Session 54 [Leopold absent]:

OOC quotes for the evening:

"There's two benefits to women thinking you're gay. The first is that they'll talk to you-"
"[interrupts] and the second is that they'll shower with you!"

Llanifell: The only way we were going to get out of it was by agreeing to a racially-motivated assault.

Adam: ...and we discovered I had a complex about being short.
Konrad: And I discovered I had a complex about you being short.

Adam: Why does he say these things in such even, mellow tones?
Llanifell: Because he knows you're going to be standing in front of him.
Imhol: AND because I can run faster than the halfling.

Adam: ...how could I stop that happening?
Llanifell: By growing a pair!

Llanifell: Konrad's dire testicular fortitude is legendary.

GM: So, you're heading straight for that one first?
Llanifell: ...Konrad - go check that one first.

Adam: We could chop his legs off now and save time.

Konrad: Tell you what, you guys all hide and I'll hide in here!
Llanifell: How will you breathe?
Konrad: Oh bollocks.

Father Zimmerman [NPC]: ...a being terrifyingly strong.
Konrad: Why did no-one tell me about this BEFORE we went in?
Llanifell: They did.
Konrad: Shite. I wish I'd listened.

Konrad: By the Name of Ulric! It's like working with Alzheimer's patients!
Llanifell: Don't forget the Tourettes.

Konrad: What's the chance it spotted us?
Llanifell: What? We were glowing, beating the shit out of stuff, and dragging tombs around and stuff.

Imhol: I think this is a bad idea but...

[BrynDll]

Session 55 [Imhol absent]

OOC Quotes for the session:

"Yeah, but they'd all be 15-16 year olds"
"You say that like it's a bad thing - 16 is street legal"

"I'm surprised she's not getting people [censored] when she leaves for the bathroom!"

Leopold: The price of freedom is eternal vigilance!

Leopold: My wife was a Warrior Woman, and look what happened to her. I'm never getting involved with any woman. Or a man.

Leopold: Offering yourself to him is completely different from letting him bugger you.

Leopold: She was a troubled woman I was helping out...


Session 56 [Konrad absent]

OOC Quotes for the session:

"Surely you can stop this sort of thing with a quick cuff of the elbow?"

"...and checks the SRD online? That is SO sexy"

"The 'social torpedo' was a dud, and the Tradesman's Entrance was involved"

"This fate point thing is SUCH a crutch for gamers who can't take it!"

Session highlights included a fair rendition of the theme tune for "Willy Fog and 80 Days Around the World" cartoon...

Leopold: He glossed over the whole 'botty sex'.

Llanifell: ...explains my hatred of everything and why the world must burn.

Llanifell: My sisters can barely stand up! Is that your fault!?

Llanifell: Where's whatisname, that scum - Leopold?

Llanifell: What?! You're kidding me? He's about as asexual as it gets.

Imhol: I'm going to hate the following sentence - let's have a look.

Leopold [OOC]: ...but your character is a total and utter fascist! Exchange the blond hair for the pointy ears and you could be writing Mein Kampf!

Llanifell: He may be a Race Traitor, but at least he's semi-competent.

Llanifell: What d'you mean? You're clinging to a gutter in your boxers!

Leopold: What a ponce. He has a palanquin.

Adam: I'm not going near those Knights Panther dudes - I'm not getting rogered for anyone!

Llanifell: The plan is: we go home.

Imhol: I think we're all going.
Llanifell: No we're not!
Adam: Oh, for f**ks sake, I'm going down.

GM: He cuffs you [Adam] around the head, and these guys have BIG hands.
Llanifell: Just imagine what else is big...

Imhol: Yes we did. We had the 'you shot that man in the face' conversation.
Llanifell: Yeah, but that was very brief.

[Gogmagog]

So where in the campaign are you now? I would like to see some play session please. :)

[BrynDll]

Session 57 [Leopold absent]:

The players are currently on Day 5 of the great Festival in Middenheim. It was always my intention to post a 'proper' actual play, but, 58 sessions in, the prospect is beginning to look a little daunting... If the demand is there, I will post the one session I wrote up properly, along with a synopsis of the others.

OOC quote for the evening:

"The BBC Nazi-bastards are going to get it - coming around, screwing us for money, and now they're going to get it!"

Konrad: Is the hood really necessary?
Knight of the White Wolf [NPC]: Yes.
Konrad: Is it 'cos you like it?

Llanifell: What goes on Inside, stays Inside.

Konrad: Not much chance of a rescue, then?

Konrad: This place smells like your cooking.

Adam: We need a lawyer.
Konrad: We need a miracle!

Adam: Torture, eh? I can stand torture.
GM flavour text: The door opens...
Adam: Oh no!

Konrad: Bite down on this - it'll be easier.

Adam: I'm going to eat the sausage now. I'm a halfling... no, that sounds really bad. Now I eat the cheese.

Llanifell: ...compared to that monkey Leopold.

Llanifell: ...also, I don't like his face as he's a Tilean scumbag.

Konrad: To be honest, it wouldn't be any different from her sister.

Imhol: WE are hanging with you, because YOU are the archery champion, and YOU are a knight.
Llanifell: And you are nobodies.

Llanifell: I'm amazed. As soon as Leopold's being tortured to death, things have improved. I mean, as soon as we leave the dungeon he put us in, we enter a whole new life!

Konrad: I was wondering about the lack of dogs in here... you can't even hire one!

Konrad: So, there's something hunting the master race, eh?


Session 58 [Leopold absent]:

Konrad: Elves die?

Imhol: ...and humans spawn like blowflies.

Konrad: I'm confused. Why do I see Imhol looking at two elf maid corpses and then take his clothes off?

Llanifell: ...or to put it another way: torture works.

Adam: I'm gonna' feed the dogs.
GM: Make an Animal Care roll.
Adam: I get Konrad to feed the dogs.

Konrad: Who the hell is 'Gerty'?
Imhol & Llanifell: The bear!

Llanifell: They'll probably deal with that problem with a stake.
Imhol: ...
Llanifell: See - you're not denying it!

Konrad: He thinks it's an elven vampire 'cos it smells of garlic.

Konrad: I know we've always stolen the stuff from the things we've killed, but when family members are involved [whispers] don't do it.

Llanifell: Maybe it IS an elven vampire - they'd just be better than normal vampires.

Konrad: Cor, you're about as subtle as a beastman in an orphanage!

Llanifell: Konrad! Konrad! Hush! Have you no sense of self preservation whatsoever?!

Llanifell: He's a Toreador faggot - kill him!

GM: Are you going to be a hero, or are you going to let the NPCs take the strain?
Adam [OOC]: Yeah. I'm going to let the NPCs take the strain.

Konrad: You need any help to carry her down?
Llanifell: She's not heavy - she's my sister.

Imhol: But the Church of Morr asked us to do this surreptitiously!
Konrad: That was for us. Nothing is on fire!

[Gogmagog]

Perhaps a quick summery of what has gone down for each session(Starting with the most recent one). No need for a detailed story-time like the others have done.

[BrynDll]

Session 59 [Leopold absent]:

OOC quotes for the evening:

“It’s never a good idea to ask the GM for XP after a favourite NPC gets killed.”

“What d’you mean? It’s got cream in it.”

Adam: You want me to go like this?
Konrad: Yeah – you’ll fit in fine in a cemetery.

Imhol [OOC]: I give him a ferocious handshake.
GM: He looks you straight in the eye.
Adam [OOC]: …and they kiss…

Llanifell: What am I supposed to do with this body then?

Konrad: Thanks! “I can show emotion now the worms aren’t here”!

Konrad: Llani’s not coming with us, but that shouldn’t be a problem.

Konrad: Put that flea-infested rat’s nest back on your skull.

Konrad: For some reason, I don’t think finding the undead-worshipping gypsies in a gay bar is an idea that really gels.

Llanifell [OOC]: Let’s start a war – a nuclear war.

Imhol: I don’t think she’s a demonologist, but she could be a necromancer, or a vampire.
Llanifell [OOC]: Go get her, Ray!
Imhol: …and if you could take her alive?

Konrad: Much as I like the idea of smashing her kneecaps in…

Imhol: Failing that, we can ask my sister where she lives.
Konrad: Dammit! You always wreck my plans!

Konrad: If I am discovered, I have at least two plans.
Llanifell [OOC]: Run, and Fate Point.

GM: I don’t think she does amputees.
Konrad [OOC]: It’s an ear!

Imhol: I’ve warned her, and that’s it.
Llanifell: “and that’s it” – Imhol’s limit of caring.

[BrynDll]

Session 60 [Leopold and Konrad absent]:

Llanifell [OOC]: That champion dude is so boring – he’s Hank out of the DnD cartoon.

Adam [OOC]: Why are halflings the chavs of the Warhammer world?

Llanifell: Those gypsies stole my wheels!

Rolf Steinmeyer [NPC hotelier]: I hear he’s fond of old antiques.
Llanifell: Yeeeaahh. Ancient chaos artifacts!

Llanifell: He’s hob-nobbing with the nobles, you’re hassling the head of the Wizard’s Guild, and I’m moving my gypo-van. I think we move in different circles.

Llanifell: You don’t have to lie – I don’t like him either.

Imhol: We don’t actually know if it’s The Man or the Big Cheese who wants you killed.
Llanifell: It’s both of them.

Llanifell: You’re kidding me! We don’t want her coming with us – that’s a death sentence!

Llanifell: Thieving halfling – sticky-fingered trash!

[BrynDll]

Apologies for the delay! My life has been surprisingly busy recently, and priorities have changed somewhat. In addition, alas, we have not been blessed with our full quota of players: Konrad's player has recently started a new job and he's been pulling the late shift, and Leopold's player has taken a break from gaming, to return at some later point. Hopefully, services will shortly return to normal (such as that is)...


Session 61 [Leopold, Konrad absent]:

OOC quote for the evening:

"We broke him like a supermodel humped by a sumo wrestler"

Imhol: Adam - on no account attempt to seduce her, and do NOT pick her pockets.

Llanifell: Ah...it's the hag you've got to take out now.
Adam: I've done worse.

Llanifell: ...more by luck than judgement.
Adam: That's how I live my life.

Llanifell: Another human, another black mark.

Llanifell: You're gonna get stabbed.
Adam: Probably.
Llanifell: By me.
Adam: Probably.

Llanifell: We're such a bunch of losers and reprobates in this party. Apart from me - I'm the archery champion!


Session 62 [Leopold, Konrad absent]:

OOC quote for the evening:

"I'd love to do the recap, but all I can remember is his sister, in the inn room, clad in figure-hugging black leather"

Imhol: She doesn't criticise me for my choice of friends!

Llanifell: Haven't you noticed? As soon as Leopold is gone, progress is made.

Llanifell: A load of fat, weed-smoking addicts

Adam: But if I win, I get to date your sister!

Llanifell: So you're going to lean on them - Chaos-style?

Llanifell: I'm NOT carrying your smack for you!

Llanifell: I'd kill a pound of smack to watch it die!

Adam: Leopold owed me 35 crowns - I'm not getting that back!

Adam [OOC]: My character is not gay...

Llanifell [OOC]: This is the guy who used a reroll to find a halfling rent-boy.

Llanifell: Take her round the back - "sleep" her!


Session 63 [Leopold, Konrad absent]:

Llanifell: There's going to be a fight in the bar - you know that, don't you?
Imhol: How many people will die, d'you think?

Adam: It's a gold plan.
Imhol: ...and he's got the mouth to do it.

Llanifell: I've got no spare cash - I blew it all on heroism. By that I mean I spent it on making myself a more efficient killer.

Llanifell: I'm not looking at her eyes!


Session 64 [Leopold the character absent, Player assuming the role of NPC Ulrican bodyguard]:

Adam: You know what's really funny? There have been these chicks in strip bars practising hypnotism - and we haven't checked out the strip bars!!!

Konrad: Perhaps we should send him to the woman who nearly cured Leopold.

Adam: You see - we're all ASSUMING it's a woman!

NPC Ulrican bodyguard [OOC]: Bloody Ulricans can't tell arse from quim!

Llanifell: So we'll be breaking into the wizard-lord's lair - who is also a judge.

Llanifell: ...juicy, milk-fed halfling, with his love of dairy products.

Llanifell: The only thing that's been longer is the list of expenses!

NPC Ulrican bodyguard [OOC]: This is means-tested - for you, 10gp is nothing!

Llanifell: Frond Von Kryptonburg has been snorting cocaine off prostitutes!

Konrad: Oh godammit! Diplomacy has won through.

Konrad: Veeerrry discrete - don't worry!

Konrad: I am concerned about the levels of Chaos in the Undercity - here, let my Captain explain it to you...

Konrad [OOC]: Quickly - "Charm" him

Llanifell: He's got cats? I like cats! I'll show him my cat.

Imhol: This is the most corrupt, unsafe city in the Empire!
Llanifell: Except the one which exploded.

Konrad: He's an elf - I'm sure he knows how to 'endear' himself to someone.
Imhol: I'm REALLY annoyed.
Llanifell: As an elf, that's a racial talent.

[BrynDll]

Session 66 [Leopold still absent]:

OOC quotes for the evening:

"I just _hope_ it's chocolate ice-cream"

"Are you rabbit-whispering?"

Konrad [OOC]: Wow - he's going for all the bonuses.

All, in unison: The privy door flaps when the flux comes to town!

Konrad: Right. We'll wait here until - on my command - Imhol tells us what to do.

Imhol: Is no-one following me in there?
Adam: You said there was a trap!

Konrad: You - Droopy! - go back to the Knights of the White Wolf!

Konrad: ...and the code we don't have didn't work.

Konrad: Have you got any spells like "Bane Against Complete Stupidity"?

Llanifell: I can just feel the inner hatred...

Llanifell: We need some lard to lubricate the halfling a bit.

Llanifell: That's NOT how to use a henchman!

Llanifell [OOC]: Ok - bonus points if you say "death first".

Llanifell: Do not attempt anything competent - just do something bog-standard.

Llanifell [OOC]: This is a system where we are all ragingly incompetent.

Adam: I can't believe the Knights turned on us like that - it's like they knew us or something!


Session 66 [Konrad, Leopold still absent]:

GM: ...intestinal turbulance.

Llanifell: ...and this while your trousers are soiled.

Llanifell: First he soils himself, then it decays.

Llanifell: He just handed the halfling the Keys to the City?!?

NPC Ulrican bodyguard: Wasmeier! Come out quietly, or there will be Trouble.

NPC Ulrican bodyguard [OOC]: That's because you have magnificance in your soul!

NPC Ulrican bodyguard: That's the way of the elf.

Adam: He's got a frozen leg and he's still faster than me!


...and after a building-levelling explosion in the Grafsmund-Nortgarten District of the City of Chaos, we will draw a veil over the disreputable adventures of Imhol & Friends. Did they survive? Did the evil mastermind escape? Was Adam's pie affected by Tzeentch's Touch? Who can tell...

Normal service (one hopes) will resume after our group gives Burning Empires a try...

[Gogmagog]

So what all happened in Bogenhafen? Did they manage to stop the sinster daemon plot?

[BrynDll]

ermmm, we've just finished Power Behind the Throne <cough>.

Anyway. Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Return of Imhol (and friends)"(tm)!

Our foray into Burning Empires was interesting but ultimately too crunchy. DnD4e proved to be a disappointment, and there's been a little dabbling with DND3.5 in the interim.


Following the destruction of Wasmeier's town house, our 'heroes' have been in abeyance for far too long. Witness now their triumphal return to 'form':

Llanifell has been dragged off and condemned as an Elven spy in the Graf's court.
Konrad has found himself a new role as Ar Ulric's hostage and dogsbody.

Leopold has <sigh> inexplicably escaped the headsman's blade, although he was brutally tortured, branded on the face with the key to Ulric's Temple and finally found himself minus an eye (this being set in crystal and retained as a Token for sympathetic magics).
Adam, irrepressible in a Monkey kinda' way, continues to enjoy good forture.
Imhol - wizard, initiate and Hunter of the Dead - likewise continues to rock with magic and best-quality axes...

...and they are joined by two further ne'er-do-wells:
The Kislevite Lady Anastasia (a high-born noble lady with a Mysterious Past) and her valet, Mellion (a Grey Elf, strangely forgettable yet able to bend the Winds of Ulgu to his indomitable will).

Gentle traveller, let the loathsome quotes begin:

Session 68-9:

OOC quotes for the sessions:

"So you're telling me this is not a Stroke-Book?"
"It's got tits in it"
"You can download it off the internet"
"Classic. I'm there!"
"My favourite is the 20/20 breeding table"

"He's impressed - he's got a Man-Crush on Jack Bauer"

Imhol: You could start drilling holes in Adam's head!
Leopold: A little bit of frontal lobotomy, that's all...

leopold: I've already BEEN insane!

Imhol: You're leaving muddy footprints.
Adam: Aargh! All down the leg!

Imhol: They do call him 'honey-tongued'...

[BrynDll]

After a long battle with apathy, the next suite of quotage!

Session 70:

Anastasia: I am far from the time of a woman to be de-flowered.

Anastasia: Now now! Let us use the inside voices!

Anastasia: It is not good for my mission to come here and see you getting an axe.
Adam: He pulled a stick on me first!

GM: He has… ‘relaxed’ into Morr’s embrace.

Adam: Why aren’t I in the bar eating meat and cheese?!?

Anastasia: In my Country we drink to the Dead.
Adam: I’d be drinking very heavily in your country!

Adam: I’m sorry Anastasia – we’ve come across evil children before.

Adam: Why? Why? Sausage roll?


Session 71:

“…and we kicked ass. Eventually.”

Otto: Is this some kind of worry, or a prophetic dream?

Imhol: There is no escape from Morr’s embrace.

Otto: Courage, Adam!

Otto: Shall we lure him in and shank him?

Anastasia: Why is he laughing? We are all going to die!

Imhol: They outnumber us 10 to 1.
Otto: At least we don’t have to worry about tactics, like surrounding them.

Imhol: I will tell you one thing. I have very few enemies.

Anastasia [OOC]: Are there any really young boys? Or really young girls? They like ponies.

Anastasia [OOC]: Make sparkly ponies!

Mellion [OOC]: Wait a minute! Can you STACK the horses?

Otto [OOC]: I wanna be a beastman – I want to stick it to the Elf!

Mellion: In all my years of magical training I’ve yet to bring nappies.

Otto [OCC]: Sodomy can be consensual.

Otto [OOC]: It’s the fact he’s not perfect is what bothers him.

Mellion: A 15% casualty rate I can accept. They’re only Human.


Session 72:

Adam [OOC]: What about ONE midget dressed as a schoolgirl?

Otto: What d’you mean ‘seasoned’? Did anyone poo on them?
Adam: Yeah, I did.

Otto [OOC]: So they’re standing on unstable ground – that gives us bonuses!

Otto: I want that [magical hammer]!
Adam: It’ll be a Chaos weapon.
Otto: Oh.

Adam: Don’t look at me! I’m only little!


Session 73:

“Murdered for being too shit”

Otto [OOC]: [my friend] would know. He’s a Catholic.

Adam: They don’t have any pipeweed-patches here!!!

Adam [OOC]: Einstein must have been a Halfling: PIE-r-squared.

Anastasia: A kid in a wheelchair is NOT a Chaos mutation! Of course, if they were in a wheelchair due to a Chaos mutation, like if their legs were tentacles…
Imhol: Well, then we’d execute them.

Otto [OOC]: In the Inn, no-one can hear you scream…

Imhol [OOC]: I don’t know if there’s any seepage from the scabs…


Session 74:

Following the loss of Mellion’s character sheet, we will instead be introducing KARGEN the mighty NORSE DWARF. Whatever, meh.

OOC quotes:

Referring to the dwarf: “OK, buckler or main gauche?”

“I think the way it’s written, it’s about social maturity…” [all laugh]

“I can’t believe you brought this up – and I was ready to game”


Kargan: Make a short joke – I f**king dare you!!!

Adam: The good news is: it’s not on fire.

Imhol: It’s not about money Adam, it’s about spiritual well-being.

Otto: That’s what you do when you don’t have a cart!

Adam [OOC]: So, we have no idea where he is, or where we’re going, and he has head injuries.

Otto [OOC]: Who is the most important religious figure in the city? We need to form a ring of steel around him.

Anastasia: I scored hits on it. It would have lost if it was a REAL fencing match.

Adam: I reckon I’d probably get in there, but I’d have to promise them sex.

Anastasia: Love is a Human thing, and for the weak of spirit.
Kargen: I was just going for: will you have sex with me?

GM: You could fall into an angle in space* and be killed instantly.
Adam [OOC]: I’ll go out of the window like normal people.

*“swallowed up by an angle of masonry which shouldn’t have been there; an angle which was acute but behaved as if it were obtuse”


Session 75

Imhol [OOC]: I’m a soft-body until I’m powered-up!
Otto [OOC]: But we’re soft-bodies ALL THE TIME.

Kargen: Elvish shafts would be feathered, wouldn’t they…
Anastasia: That makes me feel uncomfortable.

Adam: I’m really restraining myself from saying something about salty water.
Anastasia: It doesn’t get into your lungs.

Otto [OOC]: Here’s us creeping around with no fate points, and you’re using them to avoid looking un-cool.

Imhol: Dwarves don’t get to be heroes – they get to be speed-bumps.


Session 76 [Anastasia and Kargen absent]

Otto [OOC]: The only thing that can kill Imhol is Imhol himself…

Adam: ?
Imhol: Well, he shouldn’t have pissed me off them.

Otto [OOC]: Anyone would think we didn’t like their characters – oh yeah, WE DON’T.

Otto [OOC]: So, we’ve taken a giant squid and turned it into an armoured Cthulhu.

Otto [OOC]: I lie wherever I was flung and just sob in a foetal position.

Otto [OOC]: Is that what your character does? Go into the bushes, drop your britches and scream?
Adam [OOC]: ESPECIALLY if the insect comes out alive.

Otto [OOC]: It’s sterile and I like the taste!


Session 77

OOC quotes:

“Honest to God – it stabbed me in the dick!”

“They’ll nice the shit out of them – it’s the best evil plan we’ve had!”

“Grim dark Dwarf hole”


Due to an enforced separation of party members, in this session we introduce some salty sea-dog temporary PCs…

Gustav [tempPC]: Row, you Manaan-cursed sodomites!

Kargen [OOC]: I’m just saying – she’s an extra mouth to feed and an extra space on the raft…

Kargen: We took a vote, and agreed you should go up first.

Jan [tempPC] [OOC]: You notice the cut on my head has been sutured
Kargen: Have you been lobotomised?

Kargen [OOC]: You’re Human. It’s cannibalism for you, but not for the Dwarf.

Kargen [OOC]: It turns out the pirate is the Optimist!



…and just for my own reference, does anyone actually read this?!? :confused:

[BrynDll]

I should add that "Otto" is the priest formerly known as Leopold!

[Gogmagog]

I did at first, but with nothing but a list of quotes, I lost interest. Having someone go "Blargh' with a situation to attach it to would be much more interesting.