Short Bit o' Space Opera

[CrazyIvan]

This was the back cover flavor text for what I suspect is a failed attempt to do some freelancing on a Space Opera game.

Short, but this board needs more writing
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The cold vastness of space looms before a solitary man standing rigid on the otherwise deserted bridge of a starship. Before him hangs the fragile, delicate shell of a fertile world, clinging to life on the edge of the abyss. An unseen choir sings softly in the background as wrathlike sensors whisper out into space, mapping the world below, imposing their own machine order on the chaos of an organic world. A world teeming with life. The man turns, a finger pressing a button waiting on the consol beside him, his voice clear in the empty chamber.

"Captain, you may begin the bombardment."

The choir reaches its peak, voices reaching a fevered pitch, a horrific harmony as blossoms of red-orange fire begin to spread across the blue of the planet before fading into silence as the charred husk that was once life cools in the uncaring depths of space.

[Durin's Bane]

This conjures up memories of Grand Moff Tarkin on the bridge of the Death Star, with his cold british voice saying, "You may fire when ready."
The words aren't so creepy - it's the way in which Tarkin says it. I think you can play up the captain's voice, thoughts, and expression, while playing down the somewhat excessive, even melodramatic description of the planet scan.

"The choir reaches its peak, voices reaching a fevered pitch,"
This line doesn't flow very well. It's missing some words, and can afford to lose others. A more concise way to say it would be,
'The vocal choir peaks at a fevered pitch,'
or,
'A humdrum of voices attains fever pitch,'
or something similar.

...And that's my comments for now. Hope it helps.

[CrazyIvan]

Interesting comment. The style was meant to mimic the rather over the top style of alot of old 1970's and 80's Space Opera, which tended to well...feature russian choir music very heavily and lean heavily toward melodrama.

[Durin's Bane]

Ah. I am flagrantly ignorant of such things, having a severely limited exposure to written sci-fi and fantasy. I just call 'em like I see 'em - and I'm prepared to take beatings for being a big stupid-head. :p

[Steve T. Laws]

Ha! I recognized that style. But not from the books so much as from more recent movies. You know, if that style wasn't as common as it is, I would imagine it would blow readers right off their feet.

For such a small passage, you sure do write a pretty picture.

[Dr Yang]

I agree. You do write a pretty piece. It's stirring in the way the space opera should be stirring.

I like the emptiness you've created around the character. It's cold and lonely at the top, and the stereo plays only Carmina Burana =)

My nitpicks:

The cold vastness of space looms before a solitary man standing rigid on the otherwise deserted bridge of a starship.
-Is otherwise strictly necessary?

"wrathlike sensors..." or "wraithlike sensor..."?

"Before him hangs..." Consider changing the "before" into something else. You've used it already and in such a short piece it stands out.

"machine order..." What about machine-like order or something. I just feels that sentence reads funny, and "machine order" has something to do with it.

"reaches its peak, voices reaching..." I agree there is a problem here. Try not to repeat reaching.

Rudely nitpicky, but I just had to give my 2-cents.

"The man turns, a finger pressing a button waiting on the consol beside him, his voice clear in the empty chamber."
-I love this. I can feel him turning, I can see the finger, and hear his voice. Very nice.

Thanks for sharing this pretty piece.