Writing practice

[Ineti]

I knocked out the following paragraph in a couple minutes. Anyone care to comment? Not a big deal, as I'm already in the process of continuing it, just wanted to see if there were any initial thoughts.

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Abigail staggered down the dusty hallway of the ancient tomb, trailing one dark hand along the crumbling wall for guidance. The only light was what she herself generated, enough to cover a rough 10’ radius around her in a soft, silvery glow. She stumbled, caught herself from falling by pressing her wrinkled and bloodied hands against the wall. Resting her forehead against the paint-flecked limestone, she sighed.

I can’t do this.

[MetalMan]

Its okay but there are a few things that I'd change (bear in mind this is my opinion). I like to load up on atmosphere with my first paragraph but I'm also accused on a regular basis as being in love with purple prose.

I'd really avoid giving an exact measurement (10') - it generates too sterile an appearance. Dank forbidding tombs should be mysterious and foreboding. I've rewritten that sentence as I would have worded it:

"The only light was what she herself generated, the soft, silvery glow feebily illuminating the harsh cracks and chips in the monolithic rock before being consumed by the overbearing dark."

I'd also use a another word in the first sentence:

"dusty hallway" might be better as "stiffling hallway" as you can bring another sense of the narrator into play.


Please post the next part of it when you finish it, I'd like to see it.

[Ineti]

Originally posted by MetalMan
I'd really avoid giving an exact measurement (10') - it generates too sterile an appearance. Dank forbidding tombs should be mysterious and foreboding. I've rewritten that sentence as I would have worded it:

"The only light was what she herself generated, the soft, silvery glow feebily illuminating the harsh cracks and chips in the monolithic rock before being consumed by the overbearing dark."


That would be a little wordy for my tastes, but thank you for looking at it. Good point on the 10' thing. I'll adjust the wording there. :)

[Mannix]

It needs more boobies, but other than that, It seems smoothe to me.

[domino]

"was what she herself generated"

This feels awkward, but I'm not sure what to do about it offhand. Starting "She generated the only light..." loses the encroaching, lonely feel you want. Perhaps "The surrounding darkness made the silvery light that shone from her skin seem dimmer..." or somesuch.

[jhertsch]

Originally posted by Ineti

Abigail staggered down the dusty hallway of the ancient tomb, trailing one dark hand along the crumbling wall for guidance. The only light was what she herself generated, enough to cover a rough 10’ radius around her in a soft, silvery glow. She stumbled, caught herself from falling by pressing her wrinkled and bloodied hands against the wall. Resting her forehead against the paint-flecked limestone, she sighed.

I can’t do this. [/B]

I do have a few questions that spring to mind. Some of them should be answered in this little paragraph:

1) Why is Abigail's hand dark if she's generating light?

2) The sentence that begins "She stumbled" is a run-on sentence. You need a conjunction in there.

3) Where is this light coming from? You say "she herself generated," but you don't say whether it's a miner's helmet or something coming out of her skin.

4) Does limestone crumble? I don't know.

[MetalMan]

Originally posted by jhertsch
4) Does limestone crumble? I don't know.

I can answer that one. Yes, limestone does crumble. Its a more porous stone than most and long periods exposed to moisture can erode it quickly to the point of physically crumbling at the touch.

[Ineti]

1) Why is Abigail's hand dark if she's generating light?

Because she's black.

3) Where is this light coming from? You say "she herself generated," but you don't say whether it's a miner's helmet or something coming out of her skin.

It would be explained in a follow-up paragraph. :) Only so much detail I can pack into one paragraph without overwhelming a reader


Thanks for the comments.

[veinglory]

I also thought the use if 'dark' at odds with the visual effect of a sperson shining in the darkness. I am sure you can find another way to indicate her colouring.

[Elissa Carey]

Originally posted by Ineti
She stumbled, caught herself from falling by pressing her wrinkled and bloodied hands against the wall.

'By' is a pet peeve of mine; generally indicates passive voice and tends to be awkwardly used.

I would rephrase it to look something like this:
"She stumbled, her wrinkled and bloodied hands pressing against the wall the only thing checking her fall."

[ZenDog]

Originally posted by ethicalthief
"was what she herself generated"

This feels awkward, but I'm not sure what to do about it offhand. Starting "She generated the only light..." loses the encroaching, lonely feel you want. Perhaps "The surrounding darkness made the silvery light that shone from her skin seem dimmer..." or somesuch.

or just change it to 'that which she generated herself'
or 'that which she herself generated'

[domino]

Originally posted by ZenDog
or just change it to 'that which she generated herself'
or 'that which she herself generated'

still feels awkward :(