The Death of D20? (Or: The RPG Monty Python Sketchbook)

[Bacchus F]

Scene: A FLGS. One table is occupied by a group of Fanboys playing d20. Whenever the word "d20" is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting. A gamer and his girlfriend enter.

Gamer: You sit here, dear.

Girlfriend: All right.

Store Owner: Morning!

Store Owner: Morning!

Gamer: Well, what've you got?

Store Owner: Well, there's GURPS; HERO; TRISTAT; FUDGE; BRP and d20; d20 UNISYSTEM and d20; d20 FUZION d20 d20 CODA and d20; d20 SILHOUETTE d20 d20 CODA d20 INTERLOCK and d20;

Fanboys: d20 d20 d20 d20...

Store Owner: ...d20 d20 d20 TRISTAT; d20 d20 d20 d20 d20 d20 OGL d20 d20 d20...

Fanboys: d20! Lovely d20! Lovely d20!

Store Owner: ...or a completely generic system capable of unlimited expansion with tons of feats, new classes, special abilities, a point based character creation system, specific critical hit tables, pre-painted minis, fully integrated LARP rules with war gamming support, and FUZION mixed in and d20.

Girlfriend: Have you got anything without d20?

Store Owner: Well, there's d20 FUZION SILHOUETTE and d20, that's not got much d20 in it.

Girlfriend: I don't want ANY d20!
Gamer: Why can't she have GURPS d20 and SILHOUETTE?

Girlfriend: THAT'S got d20 in it!

Gamer: Hasn't got as much d20 in it as d20 FUZION SILHOUETTE and d20, has it?

Fanboys: d20 d20 d20 d20... (Crescendo through next few lines...)

Girlfriend: Could you do the GURPS d20 and SILHOUETTE without the d20 then?

Store Owner: Urgghh!

Girlfriend: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like d20!

Fanboys: Lovely d20! Wonderful d20!

Store Owner: Shut up!

Fanboys: Lovely d20! Wonderful d20!

Store Owner: Shut up! (Fanboys stop) Bloody Fanboys! You can't have GURPS d20 and SILHOUETTE without the d20.

Girlfriend: I don't like d20!

Gamer: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your d20. I love it. I'm having d20 d20 d20 d20 d20 d20 d20 OGL d20 d20 d20 and d20!

Fanboys: d20 d20 d20 d20. Lovely d20! Wonderful d20!

Store Owner: Shut up!! OGL is off.

Gamer: Well could I have her d20 instead of the OGL then?

Store Owner: You mean d20 d20 d20 d20 d20 d20... (but it is too late and the Fanboys drown his words)

Fanboys: (Singing elaborately...) d20 d20 d20 d20. Lovely d20! Wonderful d20! d20 d-d-d-d-d-d d20 d-d-d-d-d-d d20. Lovely d20! Lovely d20! Lovely d20! Lovely d20! Lovely d20! d20 d20 d20 d20!

[Harbinger]

is this where I post the Troll Commercial?

[Almafeta]

Well, someone is bitter.

d20 kicked your dog?

-- Shanya Almafeta

[3rd Level Fighter]

Well it makes a change from Spam... :D

[Halloween Jack]

That was cute. That being said, I think all threads with similar titles should be instantly closed.

[Mikey Boy]

Originally posted by Bacchus F
Scene: A FLGS. One table is occupied by a group of Fanboys playing d20. Whenever the word "d20" is repeated, they begin singing and/or chanting. A gamer and his girlfriend enter.


Someone remind me - what was that gamer myth about Monty Python references?

:D

Mike

[SteveD]

Genius. And because one good turn deserves another...remind you of any stores you know?

Morning sir.

Good morning.

Can I help you?

Well, I was sitting in the public library reading through Buffy the Vampire Slayer slash fic when I came over all geekish.

Geekish, sir?

Nerdy. RPG-deficient.

Ah geeky!

In a nutshell. So I curtailed my slashing activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyment for the purchasing of some gamey comestibles!

Come again?

I want to buy some RPGs.

Ohhh! I thought you were complaining about the Metallica music.

No, not at all. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpischorean muse

What?

I dig metal chicks. Now, some RPGs.

Yes sir, what would you like?

Well, how about some Witchcraft?

I'm afraid we're fresh out of Witchcraft sir.

Ah no matter. Very well, some GURPS, if you please.

Ah, we get GURPS books every second week sir.

Tsk. Well, a few books of Savage Worlds, then.

Normally sir, yes. Today the distributor broke down. And cried.

Not my lucky day, is it? Well, how about some Exalted?

No sir.

Torg?

Sorry

RIFTS?

Nope.

Deadlands?

No.

Star Wars?

Not as such.

Lord of the Rings?

Sold out.

HERO?

Uhuh.

Fuzion, BESM, Tri-stat dx, Feng Shui, Adventure, Dr Who, Shadowrun, Cyberpunk, Traveller, Buck Rogers, Tunnels and Trolls, Champions, Blood of Heroes, Marvel Heroes, DC Heroes?

Nooope.

Skyrealms of Jorune?

Not today sir, no.

Aberrant?

No

Mutants and Masterminds? SAS?

Sorry.

Underworld?

No.

Underground?

No.

Spycraft?

Uhuh.

Vampire Hunters?

Nope.

Chill?

Nope.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Nope.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Nope.

Warhammer?

Nope.

Vampire?

Ah, yes! We do have Vampire sir.

Really?

Yes, we do have Vampire.

Well, then, let me have it.

It's....a bit munchkiny sir.

I don't care.

It's very munchkiny sir.

I like it munchkiny. Bring forth the world of darkness! Mmm!

I think its more munchkiny than you like it sir.

I don't CARE HOW MUNCHKINY IT IS, LET ME HAVE IT!

Okay sir. (pause) Ohhh damn.

What?

The line ended.

Did it?

Yes sir.

I see. Bubblegum crisis?

No.

Fuzion?

No.

FUDGE?

Sorry.

Ghost Dog?

Nope.

Ghostbusters?

Nope.

Bushido?

No.

Fading Suns?

Sold out.

Heavy Gear, Tribe 8, Jovian Chronicles?

No, no, and no.

Ah, how about Dungeons and Dragons?

Well, we don't get much call for it around here.

NOT MUCH CALL FOR IT? It's the single most popular game in the world!

Not round here sir!

I see. And what IS the most popular game around here?

Sorcerer, sir.

Is it.

Oh yes. Narrative games are staggeringly popular in this manor sir.

Are they.

Yes.

Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no.

I'll have a look sir. Nnnnnnnnnnnno.

I see. Usagi Yojimbo?

No.

Star Trek?

No.

Paranoia?

No.

Fvlminata?

Nix.

Castle Falkenstein?

Not so much.

Ars Magica?

Nope.

What about...SHUT THAT BLOODY METALLICA UP!

Told you so.

Now...what about Farscape?

Sorry.

It's not much of a gaming shop is it?

Finest in the district sir!

Explain the logic underlying that conclusion.

Well, it's so clean.

It's certainly uncontaminated by games.

You haven't asked me about Hackmaster sir.

Is it worth it?

Could be.

Have you got any Hackmaster?

No sir.

I see. It was an act of total optimism to phrase the question in the first place. Have you, in fact, got any RPGs at all?

Yes.

Really?

No. Sorry sir. I was deliberately wasting your time.

In that case, I am going to have to shoot you, and start ordering online.

Fair enough.

What a senseless waste of retail space....

[Bacchus F]

Originally posted by SteveD
Genius. And because one good turn deserves another...remind you of any stores you know?
......

That was awesome! I'll have to try to work one up for the dead parrot sketch! :)

[SteveD]

While you're doing that, I'll do the Inquisition, okay?

[SteveD]

Scene: A gaming table.

GM: There are seven ogres surrounding you!

PC1: How could they surround us? I had mordakeinen's magical watchdog cast!

GM: It doesn't help.

PC1: Yes it does!

GM: No it doesn't!

PC1: Yes it does! With the new rules changes is 3.5, it does.

GM: Blimey, I didn't expect some kind of D&D rules revision!

CRASH! Crashing chord! Wizards of the Coast burst in, screeching.

Peter Adkinson: NOBODY expects the D&D rules revision! Our chief change is the ranger. And the druid. Our TWO chief changes are the ranger and the druid and the way magic spells work. Arg! Our three chief changes are the ranger, the druid, the way magic works and shiny new covers I'LL COME IN AGAIN!

WotC run out.

GM: Err...Blimey, I didn't expect some kind of D&D rules revision.

CRASH!

Peter: Noooooooooooobody expects the D&D rules revision! Amongst our chief changes are such diverse elements as the ranger, the druid, the way magic works and shiny new covers and feats from the classbooks and oh God. Cardinal Dancey, you'll have to do it.

Dancey: What?

Peter: You'll have to say "our chief changes are..."

Dancey: I couldn't do that.

Peter: Shut up! We'll come in again!

GM: I did not expect some kind of D&D rules revision.

CRASH!

Dancey: Ah! Ah. Nobody....

Peter: Expects...

Dancey: Yes, nobody expects the D&D rules revision. In fact, those who do expect it -

Peter: Our chief changes are....

Dancey: Ah, our chief changes are, um, the ranger and

Peter: STOP! That's it! Our chief change is the ranger!

Dancey: What about the druid?

Peter: Oh yes, and the druid.

Dancey: And -

Peter: SHUT UP! Now, we find your game lacking on three counts: lacking in dice, lacking in miniatures, lacking in stats and lacking in rules - four, FOUR counts. But you have one last chance! Reject the ways of dicelessness, renounce the works of - two, TWO last chances. You have two last chances. Reject the ways of dicelessness, renounce the works of AEG, return to the fold of 3.5- THREE last chances, you have THREE LAST CHANCES - and you shall go free. Now...how do you plead?

GM: We're innocent!

Peter: HA! Cardinal Monty! Fetch....the Mountain Dew!!!

CRASHING CHORD! I'll let you imagine the rest....

[morgue]

I only clicked on this thread accidentally. I mean, look at that title!

This is frikkin' genius. I am ashamed of myself for calling a Python riff genius, but dammit, it is. Dammit!

Ha!

m

[SteveD]

I can't stop.

I wish to register a complaint! Hello, miss?

What do you mean 'miss'?

Sorry, I have a cold. I wish to reigster a complaint!

We're closing for lunch!

Never mind all that! I would like to complain about this here roleplaying game what I purchased less than half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Ah yes, uh, Vampire, the Masquerade. What's...what's wrong with it?

I'll tell you what's wrong with it, sonny. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.

Nah, it's not dead, uh, it's just goffic.

Look matee, I know a dead RPG when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

No, no it's not dead, it's goffic. Remarkable game, Vampire, beautiful artwork, eh?

The artwork don't enter into it! It's stone dead!

Nonononono, no, no it's goffic.

I see. Well, if its gothic I'll put on some Cradle of Filth then. COME ON MR VAMPIRE! I'VE GOT SOME MASCARA AND AN ANKH FOR YOU!

See! It moved!

That was you writing "Clan: Angsty" on the cover of an Exalted book.

I never!

Yes you did!

No!

HELLO MR VAMPIRE! HAVE YOU GOT ANOTHER SUPPLEMENT COMING OUT???

(the game line does nothing but cycle into the Time of Judgement, then vanish up its own posterior)

Now that's what I call a dead game.

No, no, it's in transition.

TRANSITION?

Yeah, when it appeared to die then, it just went into a sleep, and will soon be reborn. Vampires are known to go into cycles of death and rebirth.

Now listen, sonny. I've had about enough of this. When I purchased this game not half an hour ago, you assured me that the lack of sourcebooks was due to the game designers feeling "really depressed this week, so they couldn't get their act together".

Well, no, see, it's ah, uh, probably reinventing the genre.

REINVENTING THE GENRE? REINVENTING THE GENRE? WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT? Listen, why did it kill my gaming group as soon as I got it home?

Oh, Vampire prefers dead gaming groups. Very goffic. Lovely game, beautiful artwork.

I took the liberty of researching this game when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason it was still being talked about was because of Internet Hype.

Oh..oh, oh, of course, yeah. I mean, if there wasn't Internet Hype, then this game, this game wouldn't be geeky any more. It would have taken off like Trivial Pursuit! Voom!

VOOM? Mate, this game wouldn't voom if you made aTV series out of it. It's bleedin' demised!

No, no, it's reinventing!

It's not reinventing, it's dead. It has ceased to be. The line has been cancelled. The distributors are no longer filling orders. The website has closed down. It has hit minus ten hit points. It failed its Saving Throw. It rolled a critical fumble! It ran into a dragon while on first level! It encountered a deck of many things! IT DATED THE GMs EX-GIRLFRIEND! If it wasn't propped up by internet hype it would be the next Synnibar! It's run down the curtain and joined the GAMA HALL OF FAME! THIS IS AN EX-RPG!

I suppose I'd better replace it then. (pause) Ah, sorry, we're fresh out of Vampire.

I see. I see. I get the picture.

I got a copy of Trinity though.

Is it alive?

Well, ish. PDFs and such.

Right, I'll take that then.

[Ghola]

I am now an official member of the SteveD Fan Club.

[Cossack]

Originally posted by SteveD
VOOM? Mate, this game wouldn't voom if you made aTV series out of it. It's bleedin' demised!


:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

[Vitriol]

SteveD is my God.

I .sig in his honour.

[SteveD]

*curtseys*

If only there was a way to get paid for this silliness...

[MachMoth]

Dibs on the Dead RPG Sig!

[DannyK]

There's room for everybody's sig in SteveD-land.

DannyK

[_Gabriel]

I want to think of this thread as a waste of space.

I want to report it in hopes spam like this won't clutter up the board.

But, I just can't. It's just too wonderful.

People are looking at me strangely for laughing so hard.

Someone with more willpower than I will have to report it, because I just can't bring myself to.

[MachMoth]

Report if you like, I've already documented them :P
I might even post the Dead RPG to my site (that is if Steve didn't mind & gave me a site to link back to him)

[Unregistered Steve D]

"There's room for everybody's sig in SteveD-land"

You know, I might sig that myself!

[Erstwhile]

Ooh! Ooh! I wanna play!

-------------------------

SCENE: The Third World (Yorkshire)

A ragged man (Dad) returns home to a house literally filled with children. On his back is a backpack; a gaming book peeks out from the top.

DAD: I'm sorry, children. I just bought The Riddle of Steel. Me game habit's bankrupted us. I have no choice but to sell you all for medical experiments.

CHILDREN: Awwwwwww.

DAD: Now, now, no complainin'. The local game store has blessed me so much, I can't afford to feed you any more.

CHILD 1: Couldn't you stop buying games?

DAD: Not if I want to stay in the most prestigious gaming group in Yorkshire, my lad!

CHILD 2: Couldn't you say the games got ruined in an accident?

DAD: (Sadly) My GM would see through such a cheap trick.

CHILD 3: But what about buying on Ebay instead of retail?

DAD: Children, I know you're trying to help, but really, I have no choice. It's you or the games. So it's medical experiments for all of you. For you see...

There are jocks in the world, there are artists.
There are actors and sculptors and then
There are those who listen to music, but...
I've never been one of them.

I'm an RPG'er, and have been since the fourth grade.
And the one thing they say about gamers is,
Your money's gone as soon as you're paid, be...cause....

Every game is sacred
Every game is great
If I don't special order
My new game will be late

Let the sports fans spend theirs
On jerseys, shoes and hats
I'll be spending mine on
Supplements for Tri-Stat

Some say I'm obsessive
Some say I need a date
But I must special order
So my new game won't be late

Education, food, or shelter
Are fine if you don't game
But if you don't have Nobilis
My game group thinks you're lame

Every game is useful
Not a game is dumb
I'll buy everybody's...
Even Palladium

Every game is worth it
Every game is cheap
At least compared to cocaine
I buy one every week

Every game is sacred
Every game is great
If I miss my special order
I...get...quite...i...raaaaaaaaate

DAD: So you see children, it has to be medical experiments for you all. Exalted's new castebook is out next week.

SCENE: The children file out sadly. Across the street, a husband and wife watch through their window.

HUSBAND: Look at those bloody role-players. Spending so much bloody money on new bloody books they can't bloody afford.

WIFE: What are we, dear?

HUSBAND: Historical wargamers, and fiercely proud of it!

WIFE: But why do they buy so many books?

HUSBAND: Because every time a new game line starts up, they have to buy all the supplements!

WIFE: But it's the same with us, Harry. I mean we play in Napoleonic wargames and Classical Greek wargames, and we have two books...

-----------------------------

Well, upon review it's not that funny, but ah well...fun to write. :p

E.

[SteveD]

It's such a visual sketch that one, so a bit tough to really do here, but still, nice.

Man, we need to get the mods to rename this thread so more people click on it.

[Eynowd]

Originally posted by SteveD
It's such a visual sketch that one, so a bit tough to really do here, but still, nice.

Man, we need to get the mods to rename this thread so more people click on it.

I'm surprised that someone has done The Four Yourshireman, or the Bookshop sketch...

C: I saw it over there: "Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual".
P: (pause; trying to stay calm) "Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual"?
C: Yes...
P: M-O-N-S-T-E-R?
C: Yes....
P: M-A-N-U-A-L??
C: Yes.....
P: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact....
C: The expurgated version....
P: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?
C: The expurgated version.
P: (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manual"?!?!?!?!?
C: (desperately) The one without the dragon!
P: The one without the dragon-!!! They've ALL got the dragon!! It's a Standard D&D Monster, the dragon, it's in all the books!!!
C: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their treasure.
P: (furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any other monsters
you don't like?!
C: I don't like the umber hulk...
P: (screaming) The umber hulk! Right! The umber hulk! (rrrip!) There you are, any others you don't like, any others?
C: The ogre?
P: Right! (flipping through the book) The ogre, the ogre, the ogre, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you are! NO dragons, NO umber hulks, NO ogres, THERE's your book!
C: (indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn!
P: (incoherent noise)
C: Ah, I wonder if you have--
P: God, ask me anything!! We got lots of games here, you know, it's a gameshop!!
C: Er, how 'bout "Cthulhu Combs his Hair"?
P: No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
C: "The Upper Kumbuckta West Gazeteer"?
P: No, no, no, try me again!
C: Ah...oh, I know! "Return to the Temple of Mildly Annoying Evil".
P: No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT??????
C: "Return to the Temple of Mildly Annoying Evil".
P: "Return to the Temp--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!! (throwing books wildly about) I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it??? (triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are, "Return to the Temple of Mildly Annoying Evil"!!!!! There's your adventure!! (throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!
C: (quickly) I don't have enough money.
P: (desperate) I'll take a deposit!
C: I don't have ANY money!
P: I'll take a check!!
C: I don't have a checkbook!
P: I've got a blank one!!
C: I don't have a bank account!!
P: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your change, there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your book, now, now..
C: Wait, wait, wait!
P: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
C: I can't GM!!!
P: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...GM. (pause) RIGHT!!! Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!! Are you sitting comfortably??? Right!!! (opens book) "You're sitting ina tavern when a man in a long cloak comes in..." (fade out)

cheers
Geoff

[SteveD]

Dude, you left out the whole start. Unknown Armies by John Ttynes, the noted welsh author.

I was working on it but I'm only one man.

Steve

[Eynowd]

Originally posted by SteveD
Dude, you left out the whole start. Unknown Armies by John Ttynes, the noted welsh author.

I was working on it but I'm only one man.

Steve

Yeah, I know. I was short on time. I wasn't going to do it at all, but I couldn't resist at least doing the monster manual thing.

Although I was thinking of "Don John by Clinton R. Nickson" instead.

cheers
Geoff

[Unregistered]

Absolutely brilliant!

although, something about FATAL in the Meaning of Life sketch parody would've been fun ;)

Laz

[Forum Administrator]

Edited the title. Hope Mr. Bacchus doesn't mind.

[Halloween Jack]

Greatest Game in the World



Opening Scene:
A suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure huddles over a table, mumbling to himself and rolling dice. He is surrounded by cans of Mountain Dew, a small lamp lining his unshaven face.

Voice Over:
The guy with the piece of cardboard in front of him is Henry MacElroy...gamemaster.
In a few moments, he will have rolled up a character for the greatest roleplaying game in the world...and, as a consequence, he will die...gaming.

Henry stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to a look of absolute bliss...he staggers to his feet and cavorts about the room, pretending to be a female elven assassin with a katana, until he knocks over a bag of dice and a can of Mountain Dew and falls to the floor, dead.

Voice Over:
It was obvious that this game was lethal...no one could play it and live.

Henry’s mother enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly, she notices the character sheet in his hand and picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out in hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, briefly imagines herself as a dimension-travelling asylum escapee with super powers, and drops dead. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.

Commentator:
This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, fantasy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden... violent... comedy. White Wolf staffers have sealed off the area, and the SCA’s crack inspector is with me now.

Inspector:
I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the game.

About now an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor reaches out, rolls a handful of ten-siders across the porch roof, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.

Inspector:
I shall be aided by the sound of the NASDAQ report, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of Jack Chick literature by the employees of the local hobby shop.

(Points to a group of middle-aged men wearing Lady Death t-shirts and carrying small booklets)

The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the game.

(He gives a signal.)

The group of hobbyists start shouting and condemning the inspector to Hell. The stock market report is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.

Commentator:
There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in creative anachronism.

The inspector suddenly appears at the door, screaming something about target numbers, holding the game aloft. He collapses and dies.

Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.

Voice Over:
It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Game. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

Cut to door at Ham House.
Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box.

Notice on door:
"Conference. No Admittance"

Dispatch rider rushes in.
A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty sound of dice clattering...
A series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.

Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain.
Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass
peering anxiously out.

Voice Over:
Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the game’s devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox.
Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain.
He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) looking cold and miserable.
Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth.
Cut in to corporal's face-registering complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidity.
Man on top of pillbox waves flag.
The soldiers reveal the character sheet to the corporal.
He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, wonders what disadvantages he can take in order to increase his Polearm skill, and dies.
Two watching generals are very impressed.

Generals:
Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

Colonel:
All through the winter of '04 we had translators working, in game-proof conditions, to try and produce an Arabic version of the game. They worked on one rule each for greater safety. One of them saw part of the dice mechanic for the game and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the game in time for GenCon, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which Al-Qaeda could.

Cut to a desert scene. Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding gamemaster’s screens.

Voice Over:
So, on October 6th, 2005, the joke was first told to the enemy on the battlefield...

Commanding NCO:
Read the game.

Joke Brigade:
(together)
Yujarrid barudatahu thaniyat? Hatha yazal 3d6 ladanya ishreen!
Malabis hatta TN+2 binaql ghanam!



Pan out from behind the tank across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the hostage-takers are holding out. There is a pause and then a group of terrorists ask each other to justify having 8 points of Laser Weapons in their character’s background.

Voice Over:
It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as horrific as the gaming community’s great pre-war game...

Cut to a picture of fatalgames.com’s frontpage.

...and one which Bin Laden just couldn't match.

Sound of recorded tape. Bin Laden speaks; subtitles are superimposed.

Hitler:
SUBTITLE
REDUCING THE DEMAND FOR OTHER SYSTEMS TO ZERO

A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE:
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?

Hitler:
SUBTITLE
NETWORKING EXTERNALITIES

Voice Over:
In action it was deadly.

Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through a ruined city. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads from the book.

Corporal:
Yujarrid barudatahu thaniyat? Hatha yazal 3d6 ladanya ishreen!
Malabis hatta TN+2 binaql ghanam!

Sniper falls out of a tree screaming about the Prime Material Plane.

Game Brigade:
(charging)
Yujarrid barudatahu thaniyat? Hatha yazal 3d6 ladanya ishreen!
Malabis hatta TN+2 binaql ghanam!

They chant the game.
Terrorists are put to fight totaling their Action Points for the round, some dropping in the dirt.

Voice Over:
The casualties were appalling.

Cut to an Iraqi hospital and a ward full of casualties still trying to tell you how they can conceal a no-dachi under a trenchcoat.
Cut to Iraqi interrogation room.
An officer from the game brigade has a light shining in his face.
A man with a turban and a machine gun is interrogating him; another stands behind him.

Iraqi:
What is the name of the game?

Officer:
I can only give you name, rank,
and Table A-7: Random Planar Deities.

Iraqi:
That's not funny!
(slaps him)
I vant to know the game.

Officer:
All right. Do you know why Iraqi PC’s never drink?

Iraqi:
(momentarily fooled)
No, why?

Officer:
Because they’re already getting bombed in real life!

Iraqi:
That's not funny!
(mimes cuffing him while the other terrorist claps his hands to provide the sound effect)
Now if you don't tell me about the game, I shall hit you properly.

Officer:
I can stand physical pain, you know.

Iraqi:
Ah... you're no fun. All right, Aziz.

Aziz starts telling the officer about his 30th level Imagine character.

Officer:
Oh no - anything but that! Please, no, all right, I'll tell you.

They stop tickling him.

Iraqi:
Quick, Aziz. The typewriter.

Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The officer produces a softcover book from his coat and starts reading.

Officer:
Yujarrid barudatahu thaniyat? Hatha yazal 3d6 ladanya ishreen!
Malabis hatta TN+2 binaql ghanam!

Aziz at the typewriter keels over and dies.

Iraqi:
Ach! That is not funny!

The Iraqi officer drops a bag of cheesy poofs and dies.
Another guard bursts in with AK-47,
The officer leaps on the table.

Officer:
(lightning speed)
Yujarrid barudatahu thaniyat? Hatha yazal 3d6 ladanya ishreen!
Malabis hatta TN+2 binaql ghanam!

The guard reels back and collapses laughing.
The officer makes his escape.
Cut to a film of Iraqi scientists working in a basement.

Voice Over:
But outside Khartoum in the Autumn of 2005, Hammas was working on a joke of its own.

A terrorist leader is seated at an imposing desk.
Behind him stands Aziz, labelled "A Different Terrorist". Bespectacled Iraqi scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.

Iraqi Joker:
RULE # 272: Starting age or time to either start PhD or to understand how to comprehend the inner workings of a complicated device = [150/((C3 PL)/10)], where IQ factor = [(C3 PL)/10], and where maximum human life span = 150.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

Aziz:
We let you know.

He shoots him. Film of Iraqi scientists.

Voice Over:
But by December their game was ready,
and Bin Laden gave the order for the Arabic game to be advertised by a poster on rpg.net.

Cut to Internet BBB page with a greasy fanboy anxiously peering into his monitor screen.

Closeup on Screen:
Teh game is totallly cool befcause it focuses on rtoleplaying over ROLLPLAYING and doens’t use a dice pool but the magick system is competely realistic, adn we will publish suppplemnts but will not nmake teh fans buy trhee books jsut to play teh game

The fanboy blinks twice, then types up a post beginning “Welcome to my Ignore List, asshole.”
Cut to modern FoxNews interview.
The commentator in a woodland glade.

Commentator:
In 2006 Peace broke out. It was the end of the game.
Roleplaying warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 2007 the last remaining copy of the game was bought from the bargain bin at the local FLGS for $10 and was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

He walks away revealing a monument on which is written:
"To The Unknown Game".
Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting.
Patriotic music reaches crescendo.

[SteveD]

Great work!

I think this thread is going to get crowded in a hurry now. :)

[Jorjowsky]

Best bloody thread EVER.

[J Arcane]

Originally posted by Erstwhile
There are jocks in the world, there are artists.
There are actors and sculptors and then
There are those who listen to music, but...
I've never been one of them.

I'm an RPG'er, and have been since the fourth grade.
And the one thing they say about gamers is,
Your money's gone as soon as you're paid, be...cause....

Every game is sacred
Every game is great
If I don't special order
My new game will be late

Let the sports fans spend theirs
On jerseys, shoes and hats
I'll be spending mine on
Supplements for Tri-Stat

Some say I'm obsessive
Some say I need a date
But I must special order
So my new game won't be late

Education, food, or shelter
Are fine if you don't game
But if you don't have Nobilis
My game group thinks you're lame

Every game is useful
Not a game is dumb
I'll buy everybody's...
Even Palladium

Every game is worth it
Every game is cheap
At least compared to cocaine
I buy one every week

Every game is sacred
Every game is great
If I miss my special order
I...get...quite...i...raaaaaaaaate

I luv this bloody song so very much . . .

Bloody 'ell I luv this 'ole thread, I do!

[SteveD]

(because YOU demanded it)

I never wanted to play Everway. I wanted to play RIFTS! To spend hours rolling up characters from pages and pages of meaningless rules! Having a anthropomorphic hummingbird glitterboy armed with a goupilon flail! Causing 300 points of MDC damage! And we'd sing! SING! SING!

I like Palladium and I'm okay!
Don't need no diceless games to play!

He likes Palladium and he's okay!
Don't need no diceless games to play!

I like my dice, I like my rules
I love my MDC
I won't have no truck with splatbooks
Cos I've got OPCs!

He liks his dice, he likes his rules
He loves his MDC
He won't have no truck with splatbooks
Cos he's got OPCs!

He likes Palladium and he's okay!
Don't need no diceless games to play!

I roll my dice, I look rules up
I like to play in LARPS
I put on fishnet stockings
And hang around in bars!

He rolls his dice, he looks rules up
He likes to play in LARPS
He puts on fishnet stockings
and hangs around in bars?

HE LIKES PALLADIUM AND HE'S OKAY
DON'T NEED NO DICELESS GAMES TO PLAY!

I play vampires, we talk for hours
We never roll a dice!
I wish my group could understand
That drama should suffice!

He plays vampires, he talks for hours
He never rolls a WHAT?
I don't - well I never- rhubarb rhubarb!

Oh Bevis, I thought you were so hardcore!

[NPC Kettle vs Pot]

Originally posted by Almafeta
Well, someone is bitter.

d20 kicked your dog?

-- Shanya Almafeta
That depends. Did BESM and Tri-Stat kick yours? Talk about bitter.

[Pope Nag]

This thread really brightened up my day! :D
And now...

(A convention hall. Roleplayers bustle about, telling people about their characters. Mr. Praline enters the hall, and heads straight for the table marked 'GURPS'.)
Praline Excuse me, I would like to play GURPS, please. (the man behind the table points to next table; to camera) The man's sign must be wrong. I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy between these Demo Games signs and the activities carried on beneath. But soft, let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon my next convention adventure! (he goes to next table) Hello, I would like to play this character, please.

Man: You what?
Praline: My GURPS character, Eric.
Man: How did you know my name was Eric?
Praline: No no no, my character's name is Eric, Eric the Dwarf. 'E's got a katana.
Man: A what?
Praline: He wields a katana.
Man: You've brought your own character, and he wields a katana?
Praline: Yes. I made him a 2000 point character. I didn't like the others, they were all too mortal.
Man: You must be a munchkin.
Praline: I am not a munchkin! Why should I be tied with the epithet munchkin merely because I have a katana? I've heard tell that John Tynes has a Dai-Klave and you wouldn't call him a munchkin; furthermore, Rebecca Borgstrom, the lady writer, had a abhorrent blade, called Atrocity, Gary Gygax has two classes, both specializing in katana, and J.R. Blackburn had a one-handed broadsword! So, if you're calling the author of 'HackMaster' a munchkin, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Man: All right, all right, all right. You made a 2000 point character?
Praline: Yes.
Man: With a katana.
Praline: Yes.
Man: You are a munchkin.

Praline: Look, it's all pointbalanced, isn't it? I had the 'looks cool in a trenchcoat' advantage with my Elven ranger Eric, and I've got the 'gets to reroll all dice' advantage for my Dwarf character Eric...
Man: You don't need an advantage to roll dice.
Praline: I bleeding well do and I've got it. Ho, ho, you're not going diceless on me here.
Man There's no such thing as a 'gets to reroll all dice' advantage.
Praline: Yes there is!
Man: No there isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Man: Isn't!
Praline: What's that then?
Man: This is a character sheet with the word 'background' crossed out and 'gets to reroll dice' written in in crayon.

Praline: The book didn't have the proper character sheet.
Man: What book?
Praline: The GURPS book.
Man: Munchkin D20, you mean.
Praline: It's people like you what cause unrest.
Man: All right, what GURPS book?
Praline: The GURPS Basique Set.
Man: Basique?
Praline: It was spelt like that on the cover. It's the ultra rare 3rd edition misprint! I never seen so many bleeding typos. The folks on E-bay said, that the immor(t)al disadvantage (10 pts) was just the tip of the iceberg.
Man: How much did you pay for this?
Praline: Sixty quid, and eight guineas for the splat book.
Man: What splat book?
Praline: Malkavian. In V:TM, I play a 3000 year old Malk called Eric.
Man: Are all your characters called Eric?
Praline: There's nothing so odd about that: Gary Gygax had an entire line of products all called Lejendary!
Man: No he didn't!
Praline: (takes book from pocket) He did, he did, he did, he did and did. There you are. 'Gary Gygax, the ones that got away' by E. W. Swanton with a foreword by Paul Anka, page 91, please.
Man: (referring to page 91) I owe you an apology, sir.
Praline: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to let me play this character?
Man: I promise you that I have a whole set of pregens. You don't need one.
Praline: Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by Steve Jackson.

[John Wick]

Originally posted by Erstwhile
Ooh! Ooh! I wanna play!
Every game is sacred
Every game is great
If I don't special order
My new game will be late
E.

I'm speechless.
This thread gets my 5 star rating.
Lub lub lub to you all. :D

[Heraclitus]

Originally posted by Almafeta
Well, someone is bitter.

Miss the point much?

[John Wick]

with a tip of the hat to Mr. D.

Oh!
The Great Gygax, he slashes and hacks
Whenever he is able
Robin Laws makes a game with straws,
Marbles and folk fables
Monte Cook writes ten books
At the breakfast table
And Stolze pines for a game by Tynes
With an “Adults Only” label

Matt Forbeck is a nervous wreck
Like his pants are full of vipers
His house is full of gamers
But they’re all still in diapers

They ain’t quite done, old Chaosium
Stormbringer and Cthulhu are still damn fun
Mongoose they say can stick ‘em away
Twenty-seven sourcebooks every day

Gareth Skarka, Gareth Skarka, he’s still a mark
Stafford is still Da Man!
And Matt Colville is a d20 shill
“I hack therefore I am!”

Yes, The Wick himself isn’t particularly missed
A pretty good designer
But a bugger when he’s pissed


(I will now officially duck.)

[SteveD]

Praline: The GURPS Basique Set.

Sheer fucking genius.

[_Gabriel]

I'm so sorry. This popped into my head unbidden and refused to go away. Therefore I have to post it.


Kevin Siembieda is on the bridge of the starship Palladium, which has just suffered a devastating attack from the starship Wizard. Kevin Siembieda, Erick Wujcik, and Maryann Siembieda watch the viewscreen as it reveals... Peter Adkinson.

Kevin: Adkinson!

Peter: You still remember, old friend. I cannot help but be touched. I, of course, remember you.

Kevin: What is the meaning of this attack?

Peter: I believe I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you. I have deprived your company of customers, and now I intend to deprive you of your IP. But I wanted you to know first who it was who had beaten you.

Kevin: Please, if it's my IP you want, I'll have BTS beamed aboard, spare Rifts.

Peter: I make you a counter proposal. I'll agree to your terms if... if... you hand over all ownership and materials of Mechanoid Space.

Kevin: Mechanoid Space? What's that?

Peter: Don't insult my intelligence.

Kevin: Give us a few minutes to call up the data on our typewritten notes.

Peter: I give you 60 seconds.

Kevin: Clear the bridge.

On the viewscreen, Ryan Dancey comes over to Peter and they plot maniacally. A similar event occurs on the Palladium as Erick Wujcik walks over and he and Kevin converse in hushed tones.

Erick: At least we know he hasn't already stolen Mechanoid Space.

Kevin: Keep nodding as though I'm still giving orders.

Erick nods. Kevin turns to Maryann.

Kevin: Maryann, punch up the data on Wizard's command.

Maryann: Wizard's command?

Kevin: Hurry.

Erick: The OGL?

Kevin: It's all we've got.

Maryann: I don't understand.

Kevin: You have to learn why things work in the RPG biz. By using Wizard's OGL we can order her to lower her shields.

Kevin punches buttons while Maryann and Erick try to help the technologically inexperienced Kevin.

Erick: Unless he's changed the OGL. He's very intelligent.

Kevin turns back to the viewscreen to address Adkinson.

Kevin: Adkinson, how do I know you'll keep your word?

Peter: Oh, I have given you no word to keep. In my opinion you simply have no alternative.

Kevin: I... see your point. Stand by for our transmission. ::whisper:: Maryann, lock lawyers on target

Maryann: Lawyers locked.

Peter: Time's up.

Kevin: Here it comes. Now, Mr. Wujick.

Erick Wujcik fiddles with some switches. The scene changes to the Wizard where the shield display is showing shields dropping.

Ryan: Sir, our anti-law shield is dropping.

Peter: Raise them!

Ryan: I can't!

Peter: Where's the override, the override?

Back on the bridge of the Palladium

Kevin: FIRE!

[Forum Administrator]

Four gamers sit around a table, empty bottles of Mountain Dew littering the table and floor. They're all looking maudlin.

Gamer #1: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Gamer #2: Nothing like a good 64-ounce chug of the Dew, ay Gessiah?

Gamer #3: You're right there Obediah.

Gamer #4: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Dew and playing the THIRD and a HALF edition of D&D?

G #1: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a Deities & Demigods.

G #2: A Deities & Demigods with the CTHULHU MYTHOS.

G #3: Without OGL stat blocks.

G #4: OR deities!

G #1: From a used book shop and a coffee stain on the illo of Hecate.

G #3: We never used to have Attacks of Opportunity. We used to have to wait 'til our bleedin' turn to whack an orc.

G #2: The best we magic-users could manage was get off a Sleep spell before we got shivved.

G #3: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were only 1st Edition.

G #1: Aye. BECAUSE we only had 1st Edition. My old Dad used to say to me, "Unearthed Arcana can't give you happiness."

G #4: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to have miniatures made of bloody LEAD with the features of melted garden gnomes and flash all hangin' off the sides.

G #3: Minis? You were lucky to have MINIS! We used to have to stick little pieces of notebook paper under dice with the word 'My Ranger' writ on it with the crayon that came with the boxed set.

G #4: You were lucky to have DICE! We used to have to use indecipherable Chinese coins made of aluminum and probability tables as long as your arm to figure our next move.

G #1: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of having PROBABILITY! Woulda' been a luxury to us. We used to lick Green Stamps and stick them to the cat and wait for it to scratch them off to get our combat results!

G #4: Well when I say "MINIS" it was only a red die from the RISK set in the closet with a corner chipped off to denote facing, but it was a mini to US.

G #2: We had our chipped RISK dice taken away from us. We had to use Candyland cards!

G #3: You were lucky to haveCandyland! There were 10 of us trying to play out a round of combat with a cowpie throwing contest.

G #4: Cowpies?

G #3: Aye.

G #1: You were lucky. We played for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get to the game at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a pizza crust, go play two rounds of combat in fourteen hours in the same dungeon, week in-week out. When we got done, our Dad would burn all our books and call us Satanists!

G #2: Luxury. We used to have to get out the Candyland cards at three o'clock in the morning, clean the filth off the cards, eat a handful of Andy Capp Hot Fries, play out a round of combat every two months, forget where we lived, and Dad would come and strap us to a wooden stake and burn us for heretics, if we were LUCKY!

G #1: But you try and tell the young people today that ... and they won't believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope ...

[ElectricDevil]

Take requests? The Holy Grail scene in Castle Anthrax. Much fun could be had with a d20 Logo in place of a Grail-shaped beacon.

[Gloombunny]

Originally posted by ElectricDevil
Take requests? The Holy Grail scene in Castle Anthrax. Much fun could be had with a d20 Logo in place of a Grail-shaped beacon.
I'm afraid to ask what takes the place of the oral sex.

[Mr. Analytical]

The Scene is GENCON, Ryan Dancey wanders the hall, trying to get some idea of who is attending the convention and if there's anyone he should be talking to/suing.

He sees a gamer walking along...

>DANCEY: Old woman!

>DENNIS: Man!

>DANCEY: Man, sorry. Whose stall is that over yonder??

>DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.

>DANCEY: What?

>DENNIS: I'm thirty seven - I'm not old!

>DANCEY: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.

>DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.

>DANCEY: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis.'

>DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?

>DANCEY: I did say sorry about the 'old woman,' but from the behind
you looked -

>DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!

>DANCEY: Well, I AM king...

>DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin'
the gaming public - by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
If there's ever going to be any progress -

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Dennis, there's some copies of FATAL on sale over
there. Oh - how d'you do?

>DANCEY: How do you do, good lady. I am RYAN, King of the gamers. Who's
booth is that?

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: King of the who?

>DANCEY: The gamers.

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Who are the gamers?

>DANCEY: Well, we all are. We're all gamers, and I am your king.

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an
autonomous collective.

>DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A
self-perpetuating autocracy in which the outdated concept of
character classes...

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

>DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would -

>DANCEY: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who's booth is that?

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: That booth isn't anyone's

>DANCEY: then who is your lord? who tells you which games to buy?

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: We don't have a lord.

>DANCEY: What?

>DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in
turns to act as a sort of purchasing officer for the week.

>DANCEY: Yes.

>DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a
special biweekly meeting.

>DANCEY: Yes, I see.

>DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of supplements for games we
own,

>DANCEY: Be quiet!

>DENNIS: - but by a two-thirds majority in the case new games -

>DANCEY: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Order, eh - who does he think he is?

>DANCEY: I am your king!

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Well, I didn't vote for you.

>DANCEY: You don't vote for kings.

>DENNIS's GIRLFRIEND: Well, 'ow did you become king then?

>DANCEY: The board members of Wizards Of The Coast, [angels sing], clad in
the purest shimmering Armani, held aloft the keys to my company
Porsche signifying by Divine Providence that I, Ryan, was to drive
the Porsche. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!

>DENNIS: Listen - sinister members of corporations distributing sports cars is
no basis for a claim of leadership of the gaming community.
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the
masses, not from some farcical corporate ceremony.

>DANCEY: Be quiet!

>DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
'cause some suits threw a set of keys at you at you!

>DANCEY: Shut up!

>DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror of GURPS just
because Steve Jackson gave me the keys to his pimpmobile...
they'd put me away!

>DANCEY: Shut up! Will you shut up! (Ryan snaps his fingers calling forth his
lawyers to deal with Dennis)

>DENNIS: Ah, now we see the source of the violence inherent in your
system.


>DANCEY: Shut up!

>DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the litigiousness inherent in D20! HELP! HELP!
I'm being repressed!

>DANCEY: Bloody peasant!

>DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you here that, eh?
That's what I'm on about - did you see him repressing me, you saw
it didn't you?

[14thWarrior]

[frriip frriip frriip]

ARTHUR: Whoa there!

[frriip frriip frriip]

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the House Down the Block. Master of the Game, Designer of the Adventures, Sovereign of all Gamedom!

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Pull the other one!

ARTHUR: I am,... and this is my trusty player Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of players who will join me at my table in the basement. I must speak with your lord and master.

GAME STORE CLERK #1: What? Ridden on a motorbike?

ARTHUR: Yes!

GAME STORE CLERK #1: You're using book covers!

ARTHUR: What?

GAME STORE CLERK #1: You've got two torn Tri-Stat dX covers stuck in the spokes of your bicycle wheels.

ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Montana, through--

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Where'd you get the Tri-Stat dX books?

ARTHUR: We found them.

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Found them? In Montana? Tri-Stat dX is Canadian!

ARTHUR: What do you mean?

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Well, this is America.

ARTHUR: The gamer may drive south with his parents or the game author or the playtester may seek conventions in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Are you suggesting Tri-Stat dX migrates?

ARTHUR: Not at all. It could be imported.

GAME STORE CLERK #1: What? A gamer carrying Tri-Stat dX?

ARTHUR: It could store it in its backpack!

GAME STORE CLERK #1: It's not a question of where he stores it! It's a simple question of system compatability! A d20 gamer would not carry a Tri-Stat book.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the House Down the Block is here?

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Listen. In order to maintain system-campaign consistency, a gamer needs to convert stats forty-three times every session, right?

ARTHUR: Please!

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

GAME STORE CLERK #2: It could be carried by a BESM player!

GAME STORE CLERK #1: Oh, yeah, a BESM player maybe, but not a d20 player. That's my point.

GAME STORE CLERK #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my table in the basement?!

GAME STORE CLERK #1: But then of course – BESM players are non-convention-goers.

GAME STORE CLERK #2: Oh, yeah.

GAME STORE CLERK #1: So, they couldn't bring Tri-Stat dX back anyway.

[frriip frriip frriip]

[Vitreous Humor]

And of course:

The Ministry of Silly Roleplaying Games. :p


Well done all, keep it up.

[pete_darby]

And now, A ninja with three daiklaives

he cut himself

Oh, a D20 character with... nine... prestige classes

He ran away

Oh, a hot elf chick on a motorbike

applause

[Halloween Jack]

Originally posted by NatalieD
I'm afraid to ask what takes the place of the oral sex.

If we're unlucky, nothing.

[Marius B]

Gamer: Good morning.

Gamer grrl: Oh good morning. (sexily) Do you want to go
out back?

Gamer: What?

Gamer grrl: (sexily) Do you want to go upstairs? (brightly)Or have you come to purchase an RPG?

Gamer: Er ... to purchase an RPG.

Gamer grrl: Oh, sorry.

Gamer: What's all this about going out back?

Gamer grrl: Oh, nothing, nothing. Now, what were you thinking of playing?

Gamer: Over the Edge.

Gamer grrl: Ah one of our freeform systems!

Gamer: Yes!

Gamer grrl: Well you'd better speak to Mr Player about that. Mr Player, this gentleman is interested in Over the Edge. (Gamer walks over to Player's desk where he is greeted by Player.)

Player: Ah. Good morning. I'm Player of Adventure Games.

Gamer: My name is Cat-Piss-Man.

Player: What?

Gamer: My name is Cat-Piss-Man. Mr Cat-Piss-Man.

Player: Well, you'd better wash more often, then!

Gamer: What?

Player: You'd better wash more often, then!

Gamer: Oh I see! wash more often, for Cat-Piss-Man.

Player: Yes, ha ha ... I expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?

Gamer: No, no actually. Actually, it never struck me before. Cat...Piss...Man!

Player: Anyway, you're interested in one of our freeform systems, eh?

Gamer: Yes. I saw your banner ad on RPG.net on my bomputer.

Player: On what?

Gamer: My bomputer.

Player: Bomputer?

Gamer: Yes. I'm sorry I can't say the letter 'B'.

Player: 'C'?

Gamer: Yes, that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was playing a blerib. I was attacked by a batoplepas’.

Player: A catoplebas?

Gamer: No a batoplepas’.

Player: Can you say the letter 'K'?

Gamer: Oh yes. Animal Ken, king, Krenshar, Kraken, Kuo-toa, Magibk.

Player: Why don't you use the letter 'K' instead of the letter 'C'?

Gamer: What you mean ... spell bomputer with a 'K'?

Player: Yes.

Gamer: Komputer. Oh, that's very good, I never thought of that.

Player: Anyway, about the game.

Gamer: Well I saw your banners on the internet and I've been on dungeon brawls several times, you see, and I decided that this was for me.

Player: Ah good.

Gamer: Yes I quite agree with you, I mean what's the point of being treated like a cardboard cutout, I mean I'm fed up playing role-playing games and being treated like a class-and-race combination, what's the point of going to conventions, surrounded by sweaty mindless munchkins from Greyhawk and Waterdeep in their +2 magic plate-mails and elven cloaks and their vorpal blades and their 'Dungeon Magazines', complaining about the rules, 'Oh they don't do it properly here do they not like we do at home' stopping at dealer booths, selling Dungeons & Dragons and 3rd party d20 products and d20 modern and polyhedral dice and sitting around in black t-shirts popping caffeine pills untill they rattle when they walk cos they 'overdid it on the first game'!

Player: (agreeing patiently) Yes. Absolutely, yes, I quite agree...

Gamer: And being herded into endless 10 by 10 stone borridors with their death traps and their secret doors and their wandering monsters - whose presence there make no sense whatsoever - attacking anything on sight for no good reason and ruining the suspension of disbelief and if you're not at the game table spot on seven you miss the chance to fight a bloody gelatinous cube, the first monster on the list of stuff to encounter in dungeons, and every other session there's a bloody “epic battle” featuring some monster of the week that looks like Marilyn Manson with a squid glued to his face...

Player: (beginning to get fed up) Yes, yes, now...

Gamer: And then some angsty goth-boy from the suburbs with malkavian PC with a katana and smelly, halitosis-plagued munchkins named Colin, and then, every so often there's an “intrigue-laden game” where the PCs get to stab each other in the back while the players are chugging Mountain Dew, and then one session you get to play in a roleplaying-intensive game with color and a coherent setting and you show up for the game and you get to play with a party of people straight from Gygax-land who keeps singing 'We’re off to slay the orcies', and complaining about the rules, 'Oh! It's so unrealistic, isn't it?' and then you get cornered by some foul-smelling fanboy with a dice-bag and a 3.5 PHB and last months “Dungeon/Polyhedron” and he drones on and on about how Mr Smith should be running this game and how many prestige classes his character has and then he spills mountain dew all over the minis and the battle map.

Player: Will you be quiet please.

Gamer: And ragging on game systems they’ve never even played, “all dise pool systems suck and it’s totally unrealistic and instead of writing numbers on your character sheet you have to mark off dots.”

Player: Shut up.

Gamer: 'There’s no classes or levels but we hear there’s a d20 version coming out soon.'

Player: Shut up!

Gamer: 'Where you can even get prestige classes and metamagic feats...'

Player: Shut up!!!

Gamer: '...twenty-siders and the gamemaster says “maybe it’s because I’m a Simulationist with Gamist leanings...

Player: Shut your bloody gob! I've had enough of this, I'm going to ring the police. (He dials and waits. Cut to a corner of a police station. One policeman is knitting, another is making a palm tree out of old newspapers. The phone rings....)

[14thWarrior]

And now for something completely different... (sorry couldn't resist.)


[holy music]

FOLLOWERS: Master! Master!...

BRIAN: [Speaking to the man sitting on the park bench] Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the bus stop?

SIMON THE GAME STORE OWNER: [See’s Brian’s 3rd. Ed. DMG] Mmmmmmm.

BRIAN: Please! Please help me! I've got to get--

SIMON: Mm. [Brian Drops D&D 3rd Ed. DMG. Whump!] Oh, my foot! Oh!

BRIAN: Shhhh.

SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, damn!

BRIAN: Well, I'm sorry. Shhh.

SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, and blast it!

BRIAN: I'm sorry. Shhhh!

SIMON: Don't you 'shhhh' me. Three years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!

BRIAN: What?

SIMON: I've kept my vow for three years. Not a single derogatory word about D&D 3rd Edition has passed my lips.

BRIAN: Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?

SIMON: Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last three years I've wanted to shout and sing and...

BRIAN: Shhhh.

SIMON: ...scream my opinion out! Oh, 3rd Edition sucks!

BRIAN: Shhh.

SIMON: 3rd Edition Sucks!

BRIAN: Shhh.

SIMON: 3rd Edition Sucks! 3rd Edition Sucks, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, 3rd Edition Sucks! 3rd Edition Sucks! Hello birds! Hello trees! 3rd Edition Sucks! Get off. 3rd Edition Sucks! Fudge rocks! Fudge Expanded ed--

FOLLOWERS: Master! The Master! Master! Master!...

DICE BAG FOLLOWER: The Master! Aha. He is here!

FRANK: Master!

FOLLOWERS: The dice bag!...

ARTHUR: The dice bag has brought us here!

ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak!

FOLLOWERS: Shhhhh!

ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!

BRIAN: Go away!

FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing!

ARTHUR: How shall we go away, Master?!

BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!

DICE BAG FOLLOWER: Give us a sign!

ARTHUR: He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!

BRIAN: I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!

DICE BAG FOLLOWER: Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.

ARTHUR: Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not roleplayed.

BRIAN: It's not my fault they haven't roleplayed!

ARTHUR: There are no rpg’s in this downtown block!

BRIAN: Well, what about the game store over there?

FOLLOWERS: Hhhh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!...

DICE BAG FOLLOWER: He has made the store game-full by His words.

YOUTH: It has brought forth roleplaying games.

BRIAN: Of course it’s brought forth roleplaying games! It’s a game store! What do you expect?!

ELSIE: Show us another miracle!

ARTHUR: Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the game store enough?!

SIMON: I say, that’s my game store.

ARTHUR: They are a gift from God!

SIMON: They're all I've bloody got to read. Uhm. I say, get out of that store! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.

HARRY: Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.

BLIND MAN: I am healed! The Master has healed me!

BRIAN: I didn't touch him!

BLIND MAN: I was blind, and now I can see! [Walks into a streetlight pole. Whump!] Aargh!

FOLLOWERS: A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!

SIMON: Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a bad word about 3rd edition for three years till he came along.

FOLLOWERS: A miracle! He is the Game Master!

SIMON: Well, he hurt my foot!

FOLLOWERS: Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine...

ARTHUR: Hail Game Master!

BRIAN: I'm not the Game Master!

ARTHUR: I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.

FOLLOWERS: Hail Game Master!

BRIAN: I'm not the Game Master! Will you please listen? I am not the Game Master, do you understand?! Honestly!

GIRL: Only the true Game Master denies His authority.

BRIAN: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Game Master!

FOLLOWERS: He is! He is the Game Master!

BRIAN: Now, fuck off!

[silence]

ARTHUR: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.

SIMON: You told these people to pillage my game store. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my game store!

BRIAN: Oh, lay off!

ARTHUR: This is the Game Master, the Chosen One!

SIMON: No, he's not.

BRIAN: Aaaagh!

ARTHUR: An unbeliever!

FOLLOWERS: An unbeliever!

ARTHUR: Persecute! Kill the heretic!

FOLLOWERS: Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!...

[Arbane the Terrible]

Originally posted by John Wick
with a tip of the hat to Mr. D.

Oh!
The Great Gygax, he slashes and hacks
Whenever he is able

(SNIP)


:eek:
:D

Brilliant.

[Eynowd]

Originally posted by Marius_Bredsdorff
Gamer: Good morning.

Gamer grrl: Oh good morning. (sexily) Do you want to go
out back?

Gamer: What?

Gamer grrl: (sexily) Do you want to go upstairs? (brightly)Or have you come to purchase an RPG?

Gamer: Er ... to purchase an RPG.

<<snip>>


Oh that whole thing was exceptionally well done! Bravo!

cheers
Geoff

[SteveD]

Beautiful, Marion.

[Aaron Smith]

Here's my girlfriend's contribution:


Man: Is your wife a gamer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she game, eh, does she game, eh?

Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes games, yes.

Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

Squire: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A roll's as good as a botch to a blind GM!

Squire: Are you, uh,...are you selling dice or something?

Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! A D&D-er, Ay! D&D-er, Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

Squire: Well, I, uh....

Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a mage, ay?

Squire: Um, she likes mage, yes!

Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!

Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of Sorcerer.

Man: 'Oo isn't? Likes gaming, eh? Knew she would. Likes gaming, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?

Squire: She has traveled, yes. She plays LARP.

Man: SAY NO MORE!! LARP, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!

Squire: I wasn't going to!

Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....Fading Suns, ay? "Fading Suns, ay", he asked him knowlingly?

Squire: Fading Suns?

Man: Merchants, guilds, scravers, nudge nudge, say no more?

Squire: D20, eh?

Man: They could be, they could be D20. Dice-rolling, you know, DICE-ROLLING RPG?

Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have the Fading Suns book.

Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, Exalted, ay? Steve Jackson, ay? Hackmaster, ay?

Squire: Look... are you insinuating something?

Man: Oh, no, no, no...yes.

Squire: Well?

Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.

Squire: Yes...

Man: I mean, you've RPG'd a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....

Squire: What do you mean?

Man: Well, I mean like,....you've GAMED, with a lady....

Squire: Yes....

Man: What's it like?

[Wil]

Originally posted by John Wick
(I will now officially duck.)

You beat me to it!!! DAMN YOU!!! Of the two people on this entire forum to think about doing that song, you beat me to it!!!

AAAARGH!!!!

Seriously, that was fucking great :D :D :D

[Forum Administrator]

Originally posted by Wil
You beat me to it!!! DAMN YOU!!! Of the two people on this entire forum to think about doing that song, you beat me to it!!!

AAAARGH!!!!

Seriously, that was fucking great :D :D :D I know what you mean. Now I have to start over again with my take on the Aurgument Clinic.

:(:D

[Wil]

Well, there's another reason...we used to sit around in a bar around here and sing that song when we went drinking. That's why, if any two people would have thought on it on here, it would have been John and I.

[Wil]

Warning: This is tongue in cheek. It's not meant to be insulting to anyone, and there is no malice or picking on people or any kind of badness intended. I just picked names that seemed to go with the flow.

CROWD: A DP9 editor! A DP9 editor! A DP9 editor! We've got a DP9 editor! A DP9 editor!
GAMER #1: We have found a DP9 editor, might we flame him?
CROWD: Flame him! Flame!
MOD: How do you know he is a DP9 editor?
GAMER #2: He looks like one.
MOD: Bring him forward.
EGARWAEN: I'm not a DP9 editor. I'm a freelancer.
MOD: But you are dressed as one.
EGARWAEN: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
EGARWAEN: And this isn't my goatee, it's a false one.
MOD: Well?
GAMER #1: Well, we did do the goatee.
MOD: The goatee?
GAMER #1: And the turtleneck -- but he is a DP9 editor!
CROWD: Flame him! DP9 editor! DP9 editor! Flame him!
MOD: Did you dress him up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
GAMER #1: He has got a passport.
MOD: What makes you think he is a DP9 editor?
GAMER #3: Well, he turned me into a narrativist.
MOD: A narrativist?
GAMER #3: I got better.
GAMER #2: Flame him anyway!
CROWD: Flame! Flame him!
MOD: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a DP9 editor.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
MOD: Tell me, what do you do with DP9 editor?
GAMER #2: Flame him!
CROWD: Flame! Flame them until their email boxes burst!
MOD: And what do you flame apart from DP9 editors?
GAMER #1: More editors!
GAMER #2: d20!
MOD: So, why do DP9 editors need to be flamed?
[pause]
GAMER #3: B--... 'cause they allow typos and errors...?
MOD: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
MOD: So, how do we tell whether he allowed typos and errors?
GAMER #1: Compare a DP9 book to an Exalted book!
BEDEMIR: Aah, but do not Exalted books also have errors?
GAMER #2: Oh, yeah.
MOD: Should errors be allowed in game books?
GAMER #1: No, no.
GAMER #2: No, unless it’s Buffy!
GAMER #1: We like Buffy!
CROWD: Buffy! Buffy!
MOD: What else shouldn’t be allowed in game books?
GAMER #1: Hex maps!
GAMER #2: Splats!
GAMER #3: Lots of dice!
GAMER #1: Rules for sex!
GAMER #2: Katanas!
GAMER #1: Hot elf chicks!
GAMER #2: Pretentious lecturing!
GAMER #3: Art! Art!
GAMER #2: Furries!
HARBINGER: Deluxe editions.
CROWD: Oooh.
MOD: Exactly! So, logically...,
GAMER #1: If... he.. thinks errors are okay in game books…he must like Deluxe Editions…
MOD: And therefore--?
GAMER #1: Be a DP9 editor!
CROWD: A DP9 editor! A DP9 editor! A DP9 editor!
MOD: We shall make him read all of the errors in DP9 books!
[whir]
[creak]
EGARWAEN: It’s not that bad. You can download the errata for free or it will be in the Deluxe Edition.
CROWD: A DP9 editor! A DP9 editor!
EGARWAEN: I’m just a freelancer!
CROWD: Flame him! Flame him!

Probably totally unfunny...oh well....:D

[Aaron Smith]

My Girlfriend again... she frightens me sometimes...

Sometimes a game goes bad,
It can really make you mad,
Botched-up rolls can make you swear and curse,
When you're rolling and you fail,
Just whistle,
And don’t wail,
And say you’ll make it turn out for the best.
And...

Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)
Always look on the spry side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)

If RPG seems rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
A single roll can turn your game around.
When you're killing lots of mooks,
Or chasing off spooks,
Just grab a set of dice,
That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)
Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)

Your GM can confuse,
In a duel you may lose,
You may botch right when you’re facing a boss fight.
Forget about your roll,
Though the fight will take its toll.
Enjoy it. Just keep it all nice and light.
So,...

Always look on the high side of stats. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)
Just before you and the boss hit the mats. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)

Dice rolls can go wrong,
In spite of this song,
Your numbers can come up short, it’s true.
You'll see it's all a game.
Keep on playing just the same.
Just remember that the next roll is for you.
And...

Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)
Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)
Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)
Always look on the high side of dice. (whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle)
(repeat to fade)

[Kyoya]

/derail

Aaron,

Can I steal your girlfriend for our group?

She'll fit right in and I really feel she may actually raise the silliness level significantly. Though topping our Ogre collecting Lute's because he can't spell properly may be hard

/end derail

Oh and she's bloody brilliant....let her keep going and make more in fact you should buy her all the Monty Python episodes to inspire her.

Kyoya

[Lady Raven]

Hi, this is Aaron's girlfriend. Kyoya, your group sounds like fun! And while I do have the MPFC episodes on video (taped off Comedy Central a decade ago), I do agree the full DVD set would make one heck of a Hanukkah present! :D

Meanwhile, thanks to the "Monty Python Sings" CD in my car, here's another one:


Good evening ladies and gentlemen, here's a little number I tossed of recently at Baycon...

Isn't it awfully nice to be a gamer,
Isn't it frightfully good to RPG.
It's swell to play Exalted,
It's divine to roll the dice.
When you get seven successes, then the world feels so nice!

So three cheers for Hackmaster and d20,
Hurray for Steve Jackson and his GURPS.
Vampire LARP, a good Feng Shui, Dungeons and Dragons too.
It's such fun to create fantasy; there's always something new.
But don't use up your action points, or you'll end up black and blue,
And you'll lose your stats!

Ahh, thank you very much.

[Lolth]

:eek:

I'm stunned.

Lady Raven, maybe you should be elevated to the role of geek goddess, right next to Weird Al.

:eek:

[KRNVR]

Man (Cleese): (whistles a bit, then) Hello. I would like to buy an OGL
licence, please.
Postal clerk (Palin): A what?
Man: A licence for my game, d20.
Clerk: How did you know my name was Dee Twanny?
Man: No, no, no! My game's name is d20. d20 Badosity. It's simulationist.
Clerk: What?
Man: It is a simulationist game.
Clerk: You've got a simulationist d20 game?
Man: Yes, the highest level is in the thousands. I didn't like the others, they were
all too... flat.
Clerk: You must be a munchkin.
Man: I am not a munchkin. Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'munchkin'
merely because I wrote a simulationist game? I've heard tell that Kevin
Siembeida has a game called Rifts - you wouldn't call him a munchkin!
Furthermore...

(The management of this parody wish to apologise for the lapse
in current humorous references in this paragraph, and would like
it to be known the parties responsible have been sacked...)

...I shall have to
ask you to step outside!
Clerk: All right, all right, all right. A licence?
Man: Yes!
Clerk: For an OGL.
Man: Yes!
Clerk: You *are* a munchkin.
Man: Look, it's a bleeding game, isn't it? I've got a licence for me d20 Bird-Folk,
I've got a licence for me d20 CatFolk...
Clerk: You don't need a licence if you're OGL.
Man: I bleedin' well do and I've got one! Can't be caught out there!
Clerk: There is no such thing as a bloody OGL Licence.
Man: Yes there is.
Clerk: No there isn't.
Man: Is!
Clerk: Isn't!
Man: I've bleedin' got one, look! What's that then?
Clerk: This is an OGL licence document with the words 'derivative works' crossed out and 'CatFolk' written
in in crayon.
Man: Man didn't have the right form.
Clerk: What man?
Man: The man from the splat inspector van.
Clerk: The moron inspector van, you mean.
Man: Look, it's people like you what cause splintering of the market.
Clerk: What splat inspector van?
Man: The splat inspector van from the Wizards of Ye Coaste.
Clerk: Ye Coaste?
Man: It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant. I never seen so
many bleedin' paralegals. The man said their legal team could pinpoint
objectionable content in four hundred words, and CatFolk being such a
mature supplement was a piece of cake.
Clerk: How much did you pay for this?
Man: Sixty quid and eight for the Bat-Folk.
Clerk: What Bat-Folk?
Man: d20: The Bat-Folk.
Clerk: Are all your games d20?
Man: There's nothing so odd about that. Steve Jackson wrote an entire
library called Gurps.
Clerk: No he didn't.
Man: Did!
Clerk: Didn't!
Man: Did, did, did, did, did and did!
Clerk: Oh all right.
Man: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me an OGL
licence?
Clerk: I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.
Man: In that case give me a d20 licence.
Clerk: A licence for your d20 game.
Man: Correct.
Clerk: Called d20? d20: the d20 game?
Man: No.
Clerk: No?
Man: No, d20: Badosity. It's Simulationist.
Clerk: Got Malk?
Man: Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to
imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or even to deny the
semi-originality of my little game d20: Badosity, I shall have to ask
you to listen to this. Take it away, paralegals chorus-leader.
Eric Idle: d10, d8, d6, and d4!

Man (sings): Can a game, philosophically, a new game be, if d20?
Or is the game
Subsidiary,
Based on some legal twinkery?

But can a game be said to be
Or not to be from d20
When half the d20 you see
Is cryptic legal mummery?

Chorus: Levels, Classes, BAB,
Sure looks like d20.
Ess-Tee-Are & Eye-Enn-Tee,
His game is d20.

Man: Is this wretched gamer-screed,
Bastard child of D&D,
Mere collected munchkinry?
No! It's d20: Badosity!

[Halloween Jack]

Game Supplement


Gamer: Hello, I would like to buy a supplement, please.

Shopkeeper: A what?

Gamer: A supplement for my game, Big Eyes, Small Mouth.

Shopkeeper: Hey! What did you call me?

Gamer: No, no, no, Big Eyes, Small Mouth the game. It's Tri-Stat.

Shopkeeper: What?

Gamer: It...is...a...Tri-Stat...game.

Shopkeeper: You've got a Tri-Stat game?

Gamer: Yes. I chose it out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too crunchy.

Shopkeeper: You must be a looney.

Gamer: I am not a looney! Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I have a Tri-Stat game?
I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a game called Grave of Uresia and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper, had Centauri Knights Allan Bullock has Hellsing and Trigun both Ultimate Fan Guides, and Marcel Proust had El Hazard! So, if you're calling the author of A la recherche du temps perdu a looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Shopkeeper: Alright, alright, alright. A supplement.

Gamer: Yes.

Shopkeeper: For Tri-Stat.

Gamer: Yes.

Shopkeeper: You are a looney.

Gamer: Look, it's a bleeding game, isn't it? I've got a supplement for my Vampire game, and I've got a supplement for my Street Fighter game...

Shopkeeper: You don't need a supplement for Street Fighter.

Gamer: I bleeding well do and I got one. It can't be called Street Fighter without the Ninja Manual.

Shopkeeper: There's no such thing as a bleeding Ninja Manual.

Gamer: Yes there is!

Shopkeeper: Isn't!

Gamer: Is!

Shopkeeper: Isn't!

Gamer: I bleeding got one, look! What's that then?


Shopkeeper: This is a D&D Monster Manual with the word "monster" crossed out and "ninja" written in, in crayon.

Gamer: The man didn't have the right book.

Shopkeeper: What man?

Gamer: The man from the game detector van.

Shopkeeper: The looney detector van, you mean.

Gamer: Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.

Shopkeeper: What game detector van?

Gamer: The game detector van from the Ministry of Hygin.

Shopkeeper: Hygin?

Gamer: It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant!. I never seen so many bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a well-supported game line at 400 yards! And Tri-Stat, being such a burgeoning franchise, was a piece of cake.

Shopkeeper: How much did you pay for this?

Gamer: Sixty quid, and eight for the gamemaster's screen.

Shopkeeper: What gamemaster's screen?

Gamer: The Tri-Stat gamemaster's screen.

Shopkeeper: Are all your games Tri-Stat?

Gamer: There's nothing so odd about that: Kemal Ataturk had an entire collection of just GURPS!

Shopkeeper: No he didn't!

Gamer: Did!

Shopkeeper: Didn't!

Gamer: Did, did, did, did, did and did!

Shopkeeper: Oh, all right.

Gamer: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a supplement?

Shopkeeper: I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.

Gamer: In that case, give me a d20 supplement.

Shopkeeper: A supplement for your d20 game.

Gamer: Yes.

Shopkeeper: Called BESM? BESM the game?

Gamer: No.

Shopkeeper: No?

Gamer: No, BESM d20. They needed to expand the market.

Shopkeeper: You're off your chump.


Gamer:
Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquiallism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little game BESM d20, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away, d20 Orchestra!

A one...two....A one, two, three, four...

D&D, philosophically, is (ipso facto) D20
So can BESM be, if d20, called properly, a network externality.
Do you see?

But can BESM be, in actuality,
D20, in its entirety
If it's its own system, really
Despite OGL compatibility?

Singing...

La dee dee, 1, 2, 3
BESM d20
A-B-C-D-E-F-G
BESM d20

Is this book an RPG
That's merely supplementary
To my roleplaying library
No! It's BESM d20

Fiddle dee dum,
Fiddle dee dee,
BESM d20

Ho ho ho,
Tee hee hee,
BESM d20

The old system worked fine for me
Converted stats most carefully
In my basement room by me
I loved it carnally

He loves it carnally...
Semi-carnally...

"Ryan Dancey?"
No!
"Semi-carnally!"
Oh!

BESM d20

[Sam_Charette]

Mmmmm.... goooooood thread :)




I'd like to formally request that someone parody the "Last Supper" sketch, since that's my favourite one, and most of you would do it far better justice than I :)

[Mankey]

(borrowed from a Young Ones sketch parodying Monty Python)

(gamer walks into a game store)

Gamer: Excuse me, sir, is this a gaming store?

Clerk: No, sir, it's not.

Gamer:(to audience) Well, that sketch just went to hell, didn't it?

[14thWarrior]

I'd like to formally request that someone parody the "Last Supper" sketch, since that's my favourite one,...Ask, and ye shall receive.

(My apologies to Mr. Dancey, and Mr. Cook.)


80's Ska Band: [Ska Tune]

Receptionist: A Monte Cook to see you, your Holiness.

R. Dancey: Who?

Receptionist: Monte Cook, the famous rpg author whose best known works include the Labyrinth of Madness, and the celebrated Rolemaster System.

R. Dancey: Ah. Very well...

Receptionist: In 1996 he wrote the Planewalker's Handbook and the...

R. Dancey: All right, that's enough, that's enough, they've got it now!

Receptionist: Oh.

Monte Cook: Good evening, your Holiness.

R. Dancey: Evening, Monte. I want to have a word with you about this game book of yours, "D&D 3rd Edition Player's Handbook"

Monte Cook: Oh, yeah?

R. Dancey: I'm not happy about it.

Monte Cook: Oh, dear. It took me hours.

R. Dancey: Not happy at all.

Monte Cook: Is it the reliance on a d20 you don't like?

R. Dancey: No.

Monte Cook: Ah, no, I know, it does have a bit of crunch, doesn't it? Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo hunter?

R. Dancey: What kangaroo hunter?

Monte Cook: No problem, I'll write him out.

R. Dancey: I never saw a kangaroo hunter!

Monte Cook: Uuh...he's a template right in the back. I'll write him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a base class.

R. Dancey: Aah.

Monte Cook: All right?

R. Dancey: That's the problem.

Monte Cook: What is?

R. Dancey: The classes.

Monte Cook: Are they too Muchkin? I made the Jester the most munchkin.

R. Dancey: No, it's just that there are forty-eight of them.

Monte Cook: Oh, well, another one will never matter, I'll make the kangaroo hunter into another one.

R. Dancey: No, that's not the point.

Monte Cook: All right. Well, I'll lose the kangaroo hunter. Be honest, I wasn't perfectly happy with it.

R. Dancey: That's not the point. There are forty-eight classes!

Monte Cook: Too many?

R. Dancey: Well, of course it's too many!

Monte Cook: Yeah, I know that, but I wanted to give the impression of a real new edition. You know, not just any old new edition. Not like a class splatbook or a 3rd party options book. But you know, I wanted to give the impression of a real mess of career choices, you know?

R. Dancey: There were only eight classes in 2nd Edition. Plus two from 1st edition that got dropped.

Monte Cook: Well, maybe some of the others came along afterw...

R. Dancey: There were only eight altogether.

Monte Cook: Well, maybe some of their kits came by, you know?

R. Dancey: Look! There were just eight classes in 2nd edition. The Player's Handbook clearly says so.

Monte Cook: No kits?

R. Dancey: No kits.

Monte Cook: Sub-classes?

R. Dancey: No.

Monte Cook: Templates?

R. Dancey: No!

Monte Cook: You see, I like them, they help to flesh out the genre, I could lose a few, you know I could...

R. Dancey: Look! There were only eight classes in...

Monte Cook: I've got it! I've got it! We'll call it "D&D Edtion 2.99"!

R. Dancey: What?

Monte Cook: Well if there's a 3rd Edition, there could have been one just before that, so this, is the "Penultimate Edtition"! The Player's Handbook doesn't say how many classes must be in there, does it?

R. Dancey: No, but...

Monte Cook: Well there you are, then!

R. Dancey: Look! The 3rd Edition is a significant event in the life of our game, the 2.99th edition is not! Even if it has a conjurer and a mariachi band. Now, a Player's Handbook I commissioned from you, and a Player's Handbook I want! With ten classes and one Dungeon Master!

Monte Cook: One?!

R. Dancey: Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to write this with three DM's in it?

Monte Cook: It works, mate!

R. Dancey: Works?

Monte Cook: Yeah! It plays great! The fat one balances the two skinny ones.

R. Dancey: There is only one Referree!

Monte Cook: Ah, I know that, we all know that, what about a bit of artistic license?

R. Dancey: One DM is what I want!

Monte Cook: I'll tell you what you want, mate! You want a bloody technical manual! That's you want. Not a bloody creative writer to crease you up...

R. Dancey: I'll tell you what I want! I want a Player's Handbook with one DM, ten classes, no kangaroo hunters, no trampoline acrobats, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid!

Monte Cook: Bloody fascist!

R. Dancey: Look! I'm Ryan Dancey, I am! May not know much about games, but I know what I like!

Edit: Fixed a spelling error or two.

[Sam_Charette]

Originally posted by 14thWarrior
Ask, and ye shall receive.


*after much laughing*


Ahhh. That made my day. Thanks! :)

[Ancalagon]

Hello

I know someone used this particular sketch already, but I wrote this a while ago and posted it on another board, so I thought I would resurect it.

Ancalagon

a customer walks in the door.)

Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Fiend Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the Sensate library on Clerk's Lane just now,
skimming through "Rogue Hurron" by Herkel Darkstep, and I suddenly came over
all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Conjurian.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'sumonin-loike!
O: Ah, Summonish!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little nasty fiend will do
the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and
infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some fiendish entertainment!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy a fiend.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the
Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some fiend please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Abishai?.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Abishai, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Ice Mephits?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Canoloth, if
you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this
morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Beial Please?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Slaad?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Gablerzu?
O: Sorry.
C: Fire Elemental? Goristo?
O: No.
C: Any Norweigan demon, per chance.
O: No.
C: Danish Achairai?
O: No.
C: Double Demogorgon?
O: <pause> No.
C: Rupplekins
O: No.
C: Lemures, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Lemures, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the diable de la Belle Enfer! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! <pause>
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: <pause> Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Barbazu?
O: No.
C: Yagnoloth?
O: No.
C: Nightmare?
O: No.
C: Smoke Mephit?
O: No.
C: Japanese Ugulu no Oni?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some fiends, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a fiend shop, sir. We've got--
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir.
Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

C: Uuh, Graazt?
O: no
C: Nycaloth,
O: no
C: erinyes ,
O: no
C: Bone devil,
O: no
C: thoqqua,
O: no
C: Xill,
O: no
C: Dretch?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Imps?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular fiend in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: <slight pause> and what IS the most popular fiend 'round hyah?
O: Faratsu, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh...Faratsu, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay.
'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir...
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a Fiend shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by fiends....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Nalfeshnee, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir....
C: (slowly) Have you got any Nalfeshneer?
O: No.
C: Figures.
Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have
posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any fiends here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cleave you in twain.
O: Right-0, sir.

The customer takes out an axe and hacks the owner's head off.

C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

[Anastriel]

Oh I can't stop laughing. A friend sent me a link to this thread. I was wondering if anyone would mind if I put these sketches up on my website? It is a site dedicated to roleplaying humour
www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/3120
I would credit the authors and put links if they want.
Pretty pretty please?

[Vitreous Humor]

And now, the Roleplaying Game Slapping Dance.

Two men in tropical gear are standing on a quay beside a river. Music starts and one man starts hopping about and lightly slaps the other with a copy of HeroWars. Music stops.

Other man steps forward, hefts a copy of Talislanta and knocks his opposite into the water.

[pete_darby]

Originally posted by Vitreous Humor
And now, the Roleplaying Game Slapping Dance.

Two men in tropical gear are standing on a quay beside a river. Music starts and one man starts hopping about and lightly slaps the other with a copy of HeroWars. Music stops.

Other man steps forward, hefts a copy of Talislanta and knocks his opposite into the water.

Surely first man has copies of Kobolds Ate my Baby and Ninja Burger...

[14thWarrior]

Another short scene from life of Brian... (this is leading up to another scene).



Brian: d20 Modern! D&D 3.5! Mutants & Masterminds!

Reg: Got anything non-d20?

Brian: Haven't got any non-d20, sorry. I've got BESM d20, Gamma World d20...

Reg: No, no, no...

Brian: SAS d20?

Reg: I don't want any of that d20 rubbish!

Judith: Why don't you sell proper games?

Brian: Proper games?

Reg: Yeah, not those crunchy gamist tippets!

Brian: Oh, don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff!

Reg: All right, Book of The Righteous, then.

Rogers: Make it two.

Reg: Two.

Rogers: Thanks, Reg.

Brian: Are you the Aremrican OGL Front?

Reg: Fuck off!

Brian: What?

Reg: American OGL Front! We're The OGL Front of America! American OGL Front, God!

Rogers: Blighters...

Brian: Can I...join your group?

Reg: No, piss off!

Brian: I didn't want to sell this stufff, it's only a job! I hate d20 as much as anybody!

All in OFA except Brian: Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch! Ssch!

Brian: Oh.

Judith: Are you sure?

Brian: Oh, dead sure. I hate d20 already.

Reg: Listen! If you wanted to join the OFA, you'd have to really hate the d20 System.

Brian: I do!

Reg: Oh, yeah, how much?

Brian: A lot!

Reg: Right, you're in. Listen, the only system we hate more than the d20 system, is that fucking Action! System.

All in OFA except Brian: Yeah!

Judith: Splitters!

Rogers: And the American Alternative OGL Front!

All in OFA except Brian: Yeah! Splitters!

Loretta: And the OGL Front of America!

All in OFA except Brian: Yeah! Splitters!

Reg: What?

Loretta: The OGL Front of America. Splitters!

Reg: We are the OGL Front of America!

Loretta: Oh. I thought we were the Alternative Front.

Reg: OGL Front! God...

Rogers: Whatever happened to the Alternative Front, Reg?

Reg: He's over there.

All in OFA except Brian: Splitter!

[14thWarrior]

More Life of Brian... this is the other scene promised in the previous post. (Sadly, I think this one isn't as good as I hoped for.)




Revolutionary VIII: Aren't you going to come with us?

Reg: Solidarity, brother!

Revolutionary VIII: Oh, yes...solidarity, Reg.

Rogers: Once in the convention, timing will be of the essence. There's a Wizards of the Coast feast later in the evening, so we must move fast. And don't wear your best dice bag. Turning left here, we enter the Ryan Dancey Memorial hallway, and from there proceed directly to the WotC booth. This has just been restocked, so terrorists: careful with those backpacks! We will now be directly behind Andy Smith's audience chamber itself.

Terrorists' leader: Campaign for free d20!

Rogers: Oh, ehm...OGL Front of America. Officials.

Terrorists' leader: Oh.

Rogers: What's your group doing here?

Terrorists' leader: We're going to kidnap Andy Smith, take him back, issue demands.

Rogers: So are we.

Terrorists' leader: What?

Rogers: That's our plan.

Terrorists' leader: We were here first.

Rogers: What do you mean?

Terrorists' leader: We thought of it first.

Loretta: Oh, yeah?

Terrorists' leader: Yeah. It's a couple of years ago.

All revolutionaries: Ohohoh...

Terrorists' leader: We did!

Rogers: Okay, ohkokh, come on. You got all your demands worked out, eh?

Terrorists' leader: Of course we have!

Rogers: What are they?

Terrorists' leader: Well, I'm not telling you!

Rogers: Oh, come on! Tell me another one!

Terrorists' leader: Arghule complaining! We thought of it before you!

Loretta: Did not!

Rogers: You did not!

Terrorists' leader: We did!

Rogers: You did not!

Terrorists' leader: We did!

Rogers: You did not!

All terrorists and revolutionaries except Rogers and terrorist leader: Ssch! Ssch!

Terrorists' leader: You bastards! We've been planning this for months!

Rogers: Well, tough ticking for you, dice face! Aoh, ooh! Sorry!

All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Ah, ouh! You slime! Sorry! Arrgh!

Brian: Brothers, brothers! We should be struggling together!

Rogers: We are! Oh!

Brian: We mustn't fight each other! Surely, we should be united against the common enemy!

All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: The American OGL Front?!

Brian: No, no, the d20 System!

All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Oh, yeah...yeah. Yes. Yeah, he's right.

Terrorist I: Look out!

Rogers: Careful!

Terrorists' leader: Right! Where were we?

Rogers: Ehm...you were going to punch him. Aah, eh.

Terrorists' leader: Oh, yeah. Auh, eh.

All terrorists and revolutionaries except Brian: Aouh! Arrgh! [Thump][Thump] Arrgh...aie!

Brian: Brothers!

Terrorist and revolutionary: Aouh! Ahh, ah, ah...

Blunt Object: [Thump]

Brian: Ouh!

[14thWarrior]

Well, I think I'm spent. Although there are still plenty of MP sketches, and scenes to work into parodies, the ideas of how to do so to the remaining fodder just aren't coming to me, yet.

I'd love to see someone do something with the 'Bring Out Your Dead' scene from Holy Grail.

To anyone: Tag, you're it!

[Wulf Corbett]

Has anyone dona a "What did D20 ever do for us anyway?" as in Life of Brian? I don't feel up to it, but it seems a natural...

Wulf

[Scarecrow]

I think Eric Idle's Australian wines sketch and the 'Centurion correcting Brian's latin' are both crying out for attention but I daren't tackle it myself being somewhat comedically challenged.
Actually the latter would probably work around GURPS or D20 character generation :D

:D

Crow