...You Might be a Rednecked Wizard [Archive]

Chris Goodwin

11-19-2003, 10:43 AM

You might be a redneck wizard if...

...you trim your nails with an athame.

...you have a spit cup in your pentagram.

...your yard is full of the rusting hulks of old flying carpets.

...your True Name is Bubba or Bo.

...your tower has wheels.

Nainitsuj

11-19-2003, 10:51 AM

You might be a redneck illusionist if you have your own flock of sheep to get wool for your spells.

...or would that be better done as a Scottish illusionist?

dddawson

11-19-2003, 10:57 AM

...if your wagon has a wand rack behind the driver.

...if you've been working for years to get the right feats to craft that Decanter of Endless Michelob.

...if you have more than four quasits sleeping on your front porch at any given time.

Samurai

11-19-2003, 10:59 AM

... if your Charm spell only works on your 1st cousins.

... if your wizard's hat has a sun visor and a patch that say's "Joe's Towing and Auto Body" on it.

... if yer constantly fuedin' with that dang-blasted McCoy wizard clan over in the next holler.

... If you wear oil- and paint-stained coveralls instead of a wizard's robe.

Sangrolu

11-19-2003, 11:07 AM

It lives!

to repeat:
.... your flying carpet is up on blocks. (Sorry, I know you said the phantom steed thing, but that has no mental image to go with it.)

Coyraven

11-19-2003, 11:09 AM

.. your familiar runs away when you get that special look in your eye.

.. your potions come in a six pack.

CR

Scripty

11-19-2003, 11:16 AM

...your wand has a backscratcher on the end of it.

...your crystal ball comes with aluminum-foil wrapped antennae

...your Mending spell uses JB Weld as a component

...your Web spell produces 900 cubic feet of duct tape

...your Tenser's Floating Disk looks like a floating TV tray

NPC Chris Aylott

11-19-2003, 11:29 AM

... you lightning bolt any bard who won't play country-western music.

... you won't go dungeon-crawling during NASCAR season.

... the only mystical sigil you need on the front of your robe is the face of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

cheers,

Not at the Right Computer Chris

dddawson

11-19-2003, 12:07 PM

...you explain that you can't go to the dungeon because Orc Season doesn't start for another week, then go anyway, figuring that your cousin the game warden owes you a favor.

ENHenry

11-19-2003, 12:29 PM

...Because I am a sucker for Foxworthy jokes...

...Mordenkainen's Faithful Hound sleeps under the porch
...Your spellbook is a Bathroom Reader
...Chewing Tobacco is a favored material component in EVERY spell
... Your Wizard's tower doubles as a Water Storage Tower
... You don't quest for the Grail - you quest for the Holy Forty
... ALL your Apprentices are your cousins

GungHo

11-19-2003, 04:11 PM

... You might be a Rednecked Bard
if your instrument is a washboard, banjo, hairpin, saw, or an empty jug

... You might be a Rednecked Paladin
if you wear a Holy Beltbuckle of Protection
if your mount is sponsored by STP
if your mount is "stump broke"

... You might be a Rednecked Cleric
if your method of communing with your lord involves holding snakes over your head and singing hymns
if you presided over your own wedding... to your cousin Missy

... You might be a Rednecked Ranger
if your animal follower is a nutria, an old yellow dog, or an opossum

BreakfastOfChampions

11-19-2003, 04:28 PM

...any of your spells involve a Velvet Elvis

AusJeb

11-19-2003, 04:44 PM

. . . if your flying carpet is a Velvet Elvis
. . . if your cauldron is sitting on the front porch
. . . if all of your apprentices are related to you by blood or marriage (if not both)
. . . if your wand, robe, carpet, or bag of holding is patched with duct tape
. . . if your idea of a fun wizardly weekend is watching carpets fly around in a circle
. . . if you have a tapestry of familiars playing poker.
. . . if you have a shot glass collection from the Outer Planes.

Peter K.

11-19-2003, 05:05 PM

Originally posted by GungHo
... You might be a Rednecked Paladin
if you wear a Holy Beltbuckle of Protection

. . . if all of your apprentices are related to you by blood or marriage (if not both)
Stop it you guys. You're giving me ideas. :D

Grey

11-19-2003, 05:19 PM

You might be a rednecked monk if...

you call your fighting style " wrasslin' "

BreakfastOfChampions

11-19-2003, 05:30 PM

Your 'hell hound' is an aenemic chihaua which pisses itself in fear.

s/LaSH

11-19-2003, 06:52 PM

... if ya don't keep yer spellbooks jealously locked away from mortal ken, 'cause'n none of the locals kin read. Not even your kids. All 22 of 'em.

... if ya fly down the country roads late at night fireballing the scenery, hopped up on moonshine. And openly carry lightning bolt scrolls when you go into town, announcing that it's yer Gods-given right.

... if ya tried to learn Common but found the book had all the same words as whatever you've bin speaking all this time. Ya threw it away. Durn waste of money, maybe you'll get someone else ta teach ya.

... if'n yer son is also yer aunt.

(Hey, I've been looking for a place to use that last one, and it fits here! All praise magic!)

blackshirt5

11-21-2003, 07:47 AM

Originally posted by mythusmage
And do it now.

Why?

Burgonet

11-21-2003, 09:11 AM

Lots of laughs to the posters thus far.

Thank you one and all.

Especially for the hellhound that pisses itself at a moment's notice.. that had me in stitches...

:)

hong

11-21-2003, 09:24 AM

Originally posted by blackshirt5
Why?
I miss all the good threads.

entropy402

11-21-2003, 09:37 AM

Originally posted by mythusmage
And do it now. I second, why?

Cossack

11-21-2003, 09:54 AM

So I opened up this thread, saw the edited first post, looked for the flames that must surely have triggered the thread-deletion request.

Didn't find any.

What's going on here?

Coyraven

11-21-2003, 09:59 AM

Originally posted by Cossack
What's going on here?

Issues with ENWorld- best to just nod, smile, and walk away.

Best for him to just never go back to such a place. heh.

CR

entropy402

11-21-2003, 10:00 AM

? times one gabillion

NPC Brown Cow

11-21-2003, 10:01 AM

Originally posted by Cossack
So I opened up this thread, saw the edited first post, looked for the flames that must surely have triggered the thread-deletion request.

Didn't find any.

What's going on here?

Thats what I was wondering. :confused:

Cossack

11-21-2003, 10:01 AM

I see. He posted this there and that's what caused the ruckus referred to in his "Open Letter" thread. It all makes sense now.

Hey - Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Coyraven

11-21-2003, 10:04 AM

Originally posted by Cossack
Hey - Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

*chuckle* That is my stance regardless if they can or not..

CR

NPC Brown Cow

11-21-2003, 10:06 AM

NPC Jeremy

11-21-2003, 01:52 PM

Originally posted by Cossack
I see. He posted this there and that's what caused the ruckus referred to in his "Open Letter" thread. It all makes sense now.

Hey - Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Hey, maybe we should start calling blacks by the n-word. Hey it's just a joke. Or maybe make jokes about Jews being stingy (and controlling the world).

Everyone who has participated in this thread is a racist, shit for brains fuckwad.

Sad to see that RPG.net is this bad, too.

Ike Guinn

11-21-2003, 02:02 PM

If the Vestiomantic robe you have your basic enchantments anchored to comes with an optional hood for Klanning around...

YOU might be one of them den dere redneck wizards.

Cossack

11-21-2003, 02:24 PM

Originally posted by NPC Jeremy
Hey, maybe we should start calling blacks by the n-word. Hey it's just a joke. Or maybe make jokes about Jews being stingy (and controlling the world).

Everyone who has participated in this thread is a racist, shit for brains fuckwad.

Sad to see that RPG.net is this bad, too.

If you honestly consider the word "redneck" as equivalent with the word "nigger," you need to spend a little more time thinking through your position on, well, everything.

GhostDog

11-21-2003, 02:33 PM

I'm from a town that's full of rednecks (although, sadly, the druggie population is up) and anyone who's an actual redneck in that area is proud of it. It's not a putdown or a racist slur or anything.

If you think it is, then you either have no idea about redneck culture or are too sensitive.

Bradford C. Walker

11-21-2003, 02:34 PM

For the record: it's the EN World version of this thread that was the problem because folks like NPC Jeremy threadcrapped all over it, and then they whined to the moderators when people kept on posting. The mods closed the thread; Mythusmage went to the Meta forums to complain, and that thread got locked before too long- part of the results thereof was Mythusmage leaving said forums.

GhostDog

11-21-2003, 02:34 PM

oh, and Jews are stingy.

;)

Cessna

11-21-2003, 02:35 PM

Easy there, people...

Cossack

11-21-2003, 02:37 PM

Originally posted by Cessna
Easy there, people...

The power of the mods is astounding.

I was gonna post something really snarky, but now I'm cowed.

Cessna has my punk card.

Cossack

11-21-2003, 03:48 PM

If you've been smoking five packs a day of that cheap halfling pipeweed...

(It was not marijuana, you goddamn filthy hippies!)

GungHo

11-22-2003, 06:01 AM

Originally posted by NPC Jeremy
Everyone who has participated in this thread is a racist, shit for brains fuckwad.Well, I am a redneck, after all.

http://www.sillygirl.com/images/sillypictures/cow-motorcycle.jpg

Coyraven

11-22-2003, 06:31 AM

I guess I am one of those self-hating rednecks. :(

CR

Von Ether

11-22-2003, 01:35 PM

First off, it's Redneck Wizard, not RedneckED Wizard ... city slickers.

And I know somebody is just gonna say that the word came from the fact that our necks got red from being in the sun, so it should be rednecked.

Let me ask ya then, do you eat a plate of MeatballEDs and spaghitti?

This here does remind me of the D&D game I am in. The city slicker GM thought he'd a "modernize" game by using American accents. It was sort of interesting. Suddenly the frionter of the kingdom felt like the friontier with all those old west accents, esepcailly at the fort. ... But that Hedge Wizard was a hoot with his redneck accent.

Now, let me see ...

You know you are a redneck wizard when ....

Your old spell books are in the outhouse and they ain't for reading.

No one can tell the differnece between your familars and your livestock

You think that there hermit in the cave down the road is rich snobby SOB.

That Witch Hag down the other end of the road is starting to look goooood.

You don't even wipe your hands off any more when you go get your componets for fireballs.

You can't tell the difference between your flesh golems and your cousins.

... You ain't done yet?

NPC Brown Cow

11-22-2003, 03:40 PM

Originally posted by NPC Jeremy
Hey, maybe we should start calling blacks by the n-word. Hey it's just a joke. Or maybe make jokes about Jews being stingy (and controlling the world).

Everyone who has participated in this thread is a racist, shit for brains fuckwad.

Sad to see that RPG.net is this bad, too.

Hold up there bub, I believe that's liable. Can I get a judgement call from the lawyers on the board?

;)

Also I live in the heart of northern redneck territory. And I'm not offended in the least by this thread.

People are just too thin skinned these days.

>Being politically correct is just that, being political.<

Oninosensei

11-22-2003, 04:38 PM

After a morning in the hospital, I needed a good laugh. Thanks all

And I don't see anything wrong with this tread, and I am from a family of rednecks. Duct tape is a close personal friend of mine!

Why not just delete the posts that don't follow the orignial thread? seems to be the best way to go!

teucer

11-22-2003, 04:44 PM

If you're offended, report it to a mod. I'm sure the mod will react by adding their own, though, so I don't think it's the most effective thing to do. I can't see attacking people from certain areas for non-ethnic reasons as racism, though. Calling us all "racist, shit-for-brains fuckwad" may arouse their ire. So by all means, anonymous coward, complain.

Von Ether

11-22-2003, 05:09 PM

You see here part of it is that you don't get it. A lot of rednecks are proud to be redneck. :) It's a funny like that. If some city slicker on the Internet makes fun of you, who cares? As a redneck, you're hardly on the Internet anyway.

What really ticks of rednecks is when some says how his life is better than a redneck.

Call him an idiot and a redneck will just call you names right back (unless he's drunk ... then it will get ugly)

But if he complains about how the week-long Old West RodeoFest make traffic in downtown a whole five minutes longer (when it's a 2 min. trip in the first place), you had better not say something like "You want to see real traffic, go to L.A."

He'll tell ya, "Well, this here aint L.A.!!!" and it will go downhill from thar.

Arkaengel

11-22-2003, 05:21 PM

Originally posted by NPC Jeremy
Hey, maybe we should start calling blacks by the n-word. Hey it's just a joke. Or maybe make jokes about Jews being stingy (and controlling the world).

Everyone who has participated in this thread is a racist, shit for brains fuckwad.

Sad to see that RPG.net is this bad, too.
Dude, grab yourself a six-pack of beer and a copy of Randy Newman's Good Old Boys album, then hit eBay and see if there's a sense of proportion going cheap. Yours seems to be malfunctioning.