Writing Challenge II
 

Here's the Next Challenge, everyone is invited to participate whether you were able to join the last challenge or not.
-----------------------------

Hi Scrivner,

Thanks for coming through on that last minute writing I asked you for. I got Lost Stars out at BigCon and afterwards I had a few other publishers ask me where "The Mocking Stars" came from. (Yes, we do talk to each other) and I passed your email to them.

I got another situation on my hands. I've got a new RPG coming out titled: "Zepplin Krieg." I had Tad Tedious, our tech writer, write the back blurb and when I looked at it something wasn't right. I went down to "Big Gary's Games" and put a dummy copy on the shelf with Tad's writing. I saw a lot of customers pick up the book, flip it over and then put it back on the shelf. This can't happen, I've got seven products connected with Zepplin Krieg, including a miniature game in conjunction with Tin Heros Castings.

What I need is a slug line that is a half inch high. Below that I have an area for live text, which is 7 inches wide by 3 inches high. I'm going to put in a 14 point Ariel or Hellevicia font there. On the outer left will be a vertical column of 2 1/2 inches wide by 5 high. That is all the area I have for live text. The artist did a great job with the wrap around cover and I don't wish to cover any of it. This is a flat fee job of $200, payable upon delivery. I need it by June 18.

On to the details:

Zeppelin Krieg is in an altered history line where Kaiser Wilheim II never lost World War One, instead he won and went on to conquer the rest of the old world. America stayed neutral and formed the League of the Americas. In the late 30's President Franklin D. Roosevelt ordered the assassination of Kaiser Wilheim II and succeeded. His involvement was discovered bringing the League of the Americas into war with the combined thrones of Greater Germany and China. He was thrown out of office for it. Kaiser Wilheim III married a princess of the Emperor of China. Between the two countries a new, extremely vigorous war machine has emerged and has set its sights on the Americas. Currently the USA is lead by President Joseph McCarthy is trying to gear up for fighting the invasion of the League of the Americas off. As a stopgap measure, private air mercenaries and volunteers are stopping the Kaiser's forces at their beachhead in Equador.

In the high mountains of Tibet, a new chemical compound was discovered. This compound allowed Hydrogen to be stabilized and flame proof. In addition "foamed aluminum" allows the Zeppelins to fly higher than any aeroplane can reach. Rocket-powered planes are the only thing that can go high enough to attack. League of the Americas' Dirigibles are limited to lower altitudes due to having to fill themselves with Helium and not knowing how to foam aluminum.

Currently All Volunteer Air Squadrons are meeting the threat of the Dragon-Eagle Throne. Such groups as: Alabama Gray Ghosts, Texas Long Rangers, Gauchos Rojo, French Foreign Aero Legion; are fighting over the Andes, the Pampas and the mysterious Jungles of the Amazon Basin with such groups as Madam Xiong's Valkree, The Red Werewolves, Saracens and other elite air legions...

Zeppelin Wars features a new d30 system with 30 classes from aeronaut, rocket man, scientist, adventurer, ground soldier, spy, submarine sailor, paratroopers, commandos, frogmen and 100+ skills. The combat system is universal and can be used for anything from fisticuffs to swordfights to machine pistols to sniper rifles to aerial torpedos, machine guns and other ordance. The game includes 10 types of Zeppelins and Derigibles, 6 aerocraft, 12 rocket planes and 4 hybrid rocket-aeroplanes. Over 30 types of weapons used.

I'm counting on you Scrivner, give me something dynamic that will make the customers open their wallets and look forward to reading/playing Zepplin Wars. The main text of the book is written in the style of the pulps (think Doc Savage)

Let me know as early as possible if you aren't able to do this.

Wanna B. Gygax
Rusty Mutt Games
------------------------------

Just the opposite of the last assignment, now you have too much and poorly written information to condense into a sales tool. Good Luck and I hope you enjoy the assignment.

Lord Iron Wolf

This is my first time writing blurbs so...
 

I must admit, Mr. W.B. Gygax, that I have very little experience in writing slug lines and "back of the cover" advertising; but we have had a productive relationship in the past so I thought I would give it a shot.

High Adventure Role-Playing

In the shadows of WWI, following the victory of Kaiser Willhelm the Second over the allied forces, the world is at war.
The future is in your hands.
-30 Classes To Choose From.
-Hundreds of Skills At Your Disposal.
-A New Universal Combat System.
-And All The Tools In One Book.
From W.B. Gygax and Rusty Mutt Games comes Zepplin Krieg, the last word in Steam-Punk, Alternative-History, RPGs.


Hope that fits what you need sir.

AC

OK:

Slug line: "Launch the Rocket Planes! Zeppelin attack!!!!"

7x3 text:

"The late 1930's. Kaiser Willhelm II won WW1 and conquered Europe. The League of the Americas was founded to protect freedom, but when Roosevelt assassinated the old Kaiser, it was discovered that his son, Willhelm III, had married a Chinese Princess and created a deadly alliance, bent on destruction and revenge, powered by new technologies!

Now he plans to conquer America with his mighty new Zeppelins!
Can you stop the threat from the Dragon-Throne? Will you fight for the League of the Americas alongside units like the Texas Rangers and Alabama Grey Ghosts against the sinister Madame Xiong or the Saracens? Will you lead rocket plane and Derigible attacks across Ecuador, the mysterious Amazon and the Andes? Join the war now against the enemies of freedom!"

2.5x5 column

"Zeppelin Krieg offers a
fantastic new challenge:

*New D30 system!
*30 classes including
rocketman, spy, scientist
and commando!
*100+ skills!
*Universal combat system
covers fisticuffs and
machineguns to torpedos!
*Fly Rocket Planes,
Derigibles, Aero-craft and
even Zeppelins, 32 flying
machines in all!
*Full altered history
details and maps!
*Full descriptions of elite
Air Squadrons!
*Expands with other
Rusty Mutt games!"

____________________________________

Notes: I have photoshop images of the exact dimensions to show the text fits, however, as no clear indication was given of the point size of the font in the column, I've assumed 14 point as was instructed with regard to the 7x3 section.

Also, I've left the spelling 'Derigible' though I believe it is 'Dirigible' however, this may be a UK/US spelling difference, I can correct it if required.

Regards,

Adrian Selby

edited to add two '!' :)

I"m not a writer....but to be honest, as an ex-advertisign major, I would take a different tack. Skip the bullet points fo the game system. Go for the gusto.


"Men of Steel, Ships of Air

Dust off that leather jacket and
sheepskin boots. Pull on your goggles
Time to thrill to the exploits of
daring pilots dueling in the skys of
Death and Danger!
Defend the Americas against
the hordes of the Dragon
Eagle Empire! Seek adventure
upon a wing and a prayer!
Watch breathlessly as behemouth
blimps and zepplins become
the stratospheric Ships of the Line.
This is pulse pounding aerial
combat world of ZEPPLIN KING!

Zepplin King is a d30 production
of Rusty Mutt Games. All Hail
Lord Iron Wolf"

Free Skybabe decoder ring with every
purchase. details inside."


Actually, Lord Iron Wolf...this sounds like so much fun. I hope it actually becomes a real product. You awoke the pulp boy in me you did!

Love that 'Men of Steel, Ships of Air' line.

A great approach!

Adrian

Hi Storn
 

Actually I was thinking of contacting you off board and asking if you wanted to have this as a "Boot Camp" assignment for the artists too. I figured you would be too busy at this time of year. I envisioned a cover done in a comic book style (like that excellent vietnam soldier from a week ago) done in a wrap around cover--i.e. basic flat photoshop or airbrush work.

The fun part would be trying to take the old WWI uniforms, update them to the 30's-50's and add a subtle chinese accent to them. (plus, of course: rocket planes, zeppelins, aeronauts, exotic weapontry, ect.) I envision it as almost collage like instead of a scene (Space 1889.)

For What It's Worth,
Lord Iron Wolf

Pulpy Goodness
 

Let me add in a second vote to actually see this one in print! Like a cross between Gear Krieg and Crimson Skies but better!

Anyway, here is my take on it:

Slug Line:
Aerial Ambush over the Amazon! Peril In the Pamas!

7x3 text area:
Crush the slithering menace of the Dragon-Eagle Throne! The League of the Americas asks that all able-bodied men and women pilots help combat the naked aggression that threatens our livelihood! Enlist today at your nearest Volunteer Air Squadron aerodrome! Liberty! Freedom! Unity!

An unholy marriage consummated in war, Kaiser Wilheim III has allied himself with China. His power-hungry gaze has fallen upon the rich jewel of the Americas. President Joseph McCarthy has mobilized all volunteer and mercenary air squadrons to squelch their beachhead in Equador. Only these valiant men and women hold back the aerial tyranny that threatens to overrun the Americas.

Check Six. We’re counting on you.

2.5x5 text area:
High-octane roleplaying in an alternate history America using Rusty Mutt Games innovative new d30 System!

Cross swords or trade bullets with your enemies using a vast arsenal of weapons and vehicles such as the stratospheric dirigible or the lightning-fast rocket plane.

Choose from over thirty character classes! Fly with the angels as an aeronaut or slog it out in the mud on the battlefield as a doughboy.

Realize your perfect character with over one hundred skills that range from Aerial Artillery to Zeppelin Maintenance!

Proudly brought to you by W.B. Gygax and the same team that brought you the critically acclaimed Lost Stars.

Looks good Storn, though what's really impressive is the way you screwed up *both* words in the title ;)

-Pat

[Sorry, no entry. Pulp was never one of my weaknesses and I don't have time to pick up the tone.]

Sorry Lord Iron Wolf and others who've made comments. I've been out of town for 4 days. My parents had their 20th wedding anniversary.

>>Looks good Storn, though what's really impressive is the way you screwed up *both* words in the title <<<

I'm confused. Thank you, I think. I see that I mispelled Zeppelin....there is a reason I'm a inkslinger instead of a wordsmith y'see. Ah...I just went a re-read the original post...not King, Krieg. See, that's what you get when you daydream about pulp and Sky King. Geez, what a fuck up.

>>Actually I was thinking of contacting you off board and asking if you wanted to have this as a "Boot Camp" assignment for the artists too. I figured you would be too busy at this time of year. I envisioned a cover done in a comic book style (like that excellent vietnam soldier from a week ago) done in a wrap around cover--i.e. basic flat photoshop or airbrush work.

The fun part would be trying to take the old WWI uniforms, update them to the 30's-50's and add a subtle chinese accent to them. (plus, of course: rocket planes, zeppelins, aeronauts, exotic weapontry, ect.) I envision it as almost collage like instead of a scene (Space 1889.)

<<<

Yeah, I think that would be a great Boot Camp assignment. It is quirky, demands reference research...that is a good one. I want to "finish" this current Boot Camp, which has called for pencils. So once the pencils are discussed, another week and a half to do inks, grayscale, color or TIGHT pencils to that original pencil sketch. So I envision a 2nd "half" to this current Boot Camp. But after that... I think it is a great idea.

And I think of that guy who used to do a lot of wargame covers from the 80s (and some traveller stuff) who had a very flat, graphic style. I'm blanking on his name and my description is so vague, you probably have no idea...but I remember one wargame around El Alamein very distinctively.

Artist's Name
 

Hi Storn,

I believe the artist's name is Tom Deitrick. He did excellent, tight pen and ink work. I liked his work better than William H. Keith's and Barrs. The one that really sticks out in my mind is the cover to "Boots & Saddles" from the Twilight 2000/Harpoon series.

The covers would be slightly retro which would work for this type of game and I'm hoping they would be a lot faster to do than an acrylic painting would be--since it is non-paying challenge.

I'm rather curious about the lack of response for this challenge; either the first challenge worked and everyone's doing paying work or I scared them all off--Oh Well! either way. I hope they do something since small companies have to have writers that can do everything.

Lord Iron Wolf

Well, I'm still busy with freelance work. I figure doing actual work is marginally more important than doing hypothetical work.

I should be done in a little over a week, so if there's a Writers Challenge 3 I should be ready for it.

I gotta say, this one was a tougher assignment than the first one. Fiction is relatively easy. Advertising is harder. I may do this one late just for the practice.

David G.

Wow, this was different (and challenging)!

Slug line: Defend the land of the free from the terror in the skies!!!

7 x 3 box:
The Kaiser and the Emperor have teamed up to wipe out the League of the Americas. It’s up to your airborne adventurers, such as the Alabama Gray Ghosts and the French Foreign Aero Legion, to send these villains back where they belong. Do these heroes, with the aid of their speeding rocket-planes and massive zeppelins, have what it takes?

* 30 classes and over 100 skills allow for incredible flexibility in character creation
* Unified, universal combat system covers everything from fisticuffs to dogfights with ease
* Stats provided for any vehicle from the WW-I-era…and many more that could have been!

2.5 x 5 column:
Air Corporal Luke Danger pushed down on the stick and rocketed back into the atmosphere, with the rest of his squadron close behind him. They were right on target – directly over the Kraut’s secret headquarters, nestled in the thick of the Amazon jungle. Letting loose the rebel yell his grandpappy taught him, he dropped his payload of bombs relished the magnificent explosions that followed. Then he readied his machine gun – some Garbenhauf biplanes were already scrambled to give him and his boys a not-so-warm welcome...

Oh man, this cracked me up.

As for the lack of response...My guess is that it's because this challenge is *much* harder. The first challenge was basically writing fiction, which plenty of people do already. But this, like Goodner said, is advertising. I found that fitting my text inside a premeasured text box was quite a challenge (which is good, stretching my brain is good).

Also, the Wizards deadline is this Friday. Which coincides with about three deadlines at my real job, too. I imagine not everyone is as freaked out about that as I am, though.

Some people may be waiting until after work to do it...or just before midnight =)

But again, this was a great exercise - thanks!!

Better late than never I suppose=)

Don't know if this is too propagandaesque. I chose not to include any game details. I wanted the feel of the game to shine through.
Hope you like.


Slug line: The skies are burning!

7x3:

The wings of the Dragon-Eagle throne eclipse the Land of the Free, our Home of the Brave!
Kaiser Wilhem III has sent his evil forces to take away your liberty!
To fight him, the League of the Americas needs fighters. Fighters like you!

Join the Volunteer Air Squadrons as they protect our skies from the enemies of freedom!
Tell the Kaiser that we will never waver.
Tell him the Americas shall never fall!


2,5x5:

Do you have what it takes?
Can you stand the heat?
Will you fight?
And die?
To protect you loved ones,
And your country?

The League of Americas
Need
You!

All volunteers, please report to
the nearest recruitment office.

It was a compliment. The laugh was just a bonus :)

This challenge might not be attracting as much attention because it doesn't leave as much room for creativity. Once Adrian posted a version, and then Storn pointed out that it should be stuffed with pulpy goodness, that was pretty much it. There's some room in choosing the phrasing, but radical new approaches are limited because it's pretty well defined.

I was playing with a "The League Wants You!" recruitment-style pitch, which is a slightly different tack, but (with my unfamiliarity with pulp) it just just sounded too much like one of those bits from Starship Troopers.

It is an excellent concept, though. Many if not most writing assignments are relatively mundane, and learning to work within strict limits is important if you want to be a professional.

-Pat

A Note from Epstein's Mother
 

Dear Mr. Gygax -

Please excuse KRNVR's slow response to your challenge.

He's been off looking for vowels. For his handle.

Sincerely, Epstein's Mother.

(Please, midnight would be lovely.)

Times Up !
 

The due date for this challenge has passed. Zeppelin Krieg either has a new back blurb or a financial disaster on its hands.

I'll do analysis on the samples later.

Lord Iron Wolf

Thank you Lord Iron Wolf
 

I find myself thanking you again for another fun exercise.
I'm not exactly sure of myself when it comes to writing blurbs and such, but this "assignment" was a treat nonetheless.
I'm looking forward to your thoughts on this kind of writing.
Thanks again sir.

AC

I agree with Adrian.
It was a fun excersise. I've never done anything like this before, so it was an entirely new experience. I'm not sure if my approach was the best, but I felt the need to make it as "big" as possible, to go with the grand setting.

I'm very much looking forward to your comments.

Thanks.

Evaluations
 

First off I apologize for the long time it took to do the evaluation of this Writing Challenge. I'm finally to a point where I've rested enough to feel I can write cognizantly and give real evaluations.

Second, thanks for participating and adding your unique spin to selling of an unknown game. I'll evaluate the entries on the basis of english usage and advertizing effectiveness.

Adrian Chapman
Once again you were first in turning in your assignment and you'll be first in the evaluations. Overall the writing temperature was lukewarm. With advertizing the text must have a very hot, urgent feel to it. You are trying to generate excitement/ emotions--like in a fight scene or in a very dangerous climax.

*Slug line was to cliche'. It needs something to hook the reader's curiousity and draw them down into the next paragraph.
*Slug line was too generic, it could of been used for any game. Put Zeppelin Krieg's unique stamp on it.
*Not enough information in the Flavor Paragraph to interest readers. It should of consisted of 3-4 carefully crafted sentences giving a taste of the game and background.
*The bullet points are fine. You probably could of used twice as many though.

Suggestions: Write short sentences starting with action verbs. Even if the sentences end with a period make sure they are screaming exclaimation points. Try to write the sentences as breathlessly excited as possible, it serves as a good way to check your emotional level and sentence length.

Adrian Selby
Good Slug line; starts with an action verb and is very short. The exclaimation points are extranous, the language is getting the mood across. A good amount of information in the paragraph following the slug line and the bullet points are short and to the point. On to the critique:

*A suggestion for the first line, try: Year "1938:"
*The second sentence loses it's power from being a run-on sentence. You could probably chop it into three or four and have a much more dynamic feeling to the paragraph.
*Third paragraph, get rid of "will you" it sounds like begging. When you're doing sales always lead the customer in the direction you want them to go. Try cutting off the will you off the two sentences and start with those action verbs--see how much stronger it sounds.
*See how you can condense the second sentence in the third paragraph, it's getting close to a run on sentence.
*Good bullet points, most begin with action verbs.
*Bullet points don't need exclaimation points, your sentence structure and word choice are accomplishing that.
*Overall a good job with just a little cleanup needed.

#@*%$#Derigible/Dirigible I'm just a lousy speller, go with your instincts next time!

Storn
Your advertizing training is definitely showing through. Overall it is a very effective way to raise the pulse rate of a consumer and get them to shell out $20+ to find out what is going on.

*Slug line--Very effective in evoking the romance of the aerial aces of a forgotten day.
*The advertisement sounds like the beginning of a radio serial (Lone Ranger) and would work best with older gamers or people who have heard that type of patter.
*This is slightly chancy to do, it is different than many younger gamers would be used to. It would take very effective writing to evoke the mood and a cover that captures the feeling of the time right.
*As you said: Go for the Gusto!

As far as making this a real game, I'm good at writing background and character/world generation systems but when it comes to Vehicular generation and combat systems--I'm on the wrong end of a learning curve:(

MetalMan
Overall a very good take on it but there are some weaknesses in your grammer that weaken the effect. Look at some of the comments above and see which apply to your piece.
*Slug line, very good, watch your spelling.
*Text area some things are weakening it and it is with some more neutral word combinations.
*The first line is great. Second line needs two changes: get rid of "asks that" and use the word "calls." At the end of the sentence get rid of livelihood (it sounds like we're pickle makers!) and substitute: "land or lands."
*Second paragraph, third sentence; the word their...who does it refer to in that particular sentence? Replace it with a proper name.
*Last sentence in that paragraph. Put the word: "can" after women.
*Vertical text area, second sentence--break it apart! It is a very dynamic sentence but it is too long to get the emotions across effectively.

David Goodner
It is the mark of a professional to let a company know as early as possible if you can't work on something. It gives them time to find someone else.

Concatenate
Your's was good too. It would form a usable back blurb. I'm going to dive right into this one.
*Slug Line, a very good rhythm to the ear--it sounds right. Try putting in Terror OF the skies and see if that sounds stronger.

Horizontal box
*The emperor of what--Austria-Hungary, Ethopia or Mexico??? Be sure to specify.
*Second and Third line change from personal to distant/impersonal in addressing reader. Keep it consistant.
*Second sentence is a little long
*I like the way you ended the paragraph with a curiosity hook.

Vertical column
*Corporal Luke Danger--the rest of the paragraph had better be as much hyperbole as this name or it will fall flat.
*Rocketing into the atmosphere...where else??? space, under water, below tree line; use a better noun.
*Garbenhauf-good flavor word.
*End of paragraph promises more action. Excellent way to end it.

Dr. Yang
Don't be shy when writing "Propagandaesque" No such animal just a clear painting of good guys and bad guys. In pulp this works well. Once again I remind you to swim in strong words and emotions. Everything in writing must be exaggerated to have the desired effect!!!

On a side note when you are trying to do something like recruiting posters, it can be very hard. The posters must make their impact in as few a words a possible and never a complete sentence.

Slug Line
*It is good but try to include what is unique about the game.

Horizontal Box
*Third sentence: "fighters--fighters like you!" Use an em dash for this.
*You finish off the final paragraph very dynamically and it is a good end.

Vertial column
*There should be a shift of tone and writing style or you dilute the impact of the above. It's like a politician who doesn't know when to end a speech.
* you could use bullet points, a quick story or some flavor text in a much smaller scope or other things to allow the horizontal paragraph to keep its impact.
*Starship Troopers line--get that damn thing out of there! It destroys the entire illusional world you have just spent the preceeding paragraphs building up in the reader's mind.

KRNVR

I hope you never are this cute to a professional assignment from an editor. It would be a death knell to working with that editor again. (I know this is just an exersize. I'm not angry, just a heartfelt warning.)


In summary, there were several different techniques used to sell this product. Trying to get the reader excited and curious are what is needed to sell to the first buyers, word of mouth takes over after that. Although this was for an advertizing assignment, the techniques can be used for action scenes in story writing.

Thanks for participating and I hope everyone enjoyed Writing Challenge II.

Lord Iron Wolf

Thanks for the eval. Lord Iron Wolf, I truly appreciate it sir.
I'm not quite used to doing this kinda writing, so any comments on it are really helpful.
Looking forward to the next one.

AC

Yep, your points this time were far more nitty gritty regarding the technicalities of my piece, and were all great points, I've never written ad blurb before, and like everything, its a little harder than it looks!

Cheers,

Adrian

Absolutely
 

Thanks LIW

My trained background is in graphic design - not copy, but this was an extremely interesting exercise that really stressed some of the nuances required for this type of job. I appreciate the time you have invested in these and look forward to the next one.

Wow. I didn't expect a critique (since I wasn't entering and all). You're right, though. It seems only decent to let people know that you're busy if they were thinking of hiring you.

Thanks.

David G.

Ditto, thanks LIW. I actually spent quite a bit of time obsessing over that preposition =)

FYI-Writing Challenge III
 

Just to let you know, the third Writing Challenge will be posted after GenCon. This challenge will be harder than the previous two and requires some spare time to formulate and I won't have the time until after GC02.

Meanwhile, keep writing!

Lord Iron Wolf