The Son of the Return of D02: Know No Limit!

[Daydreamweaver]

Dear Open,

Your good friend and mine, Killfalcon, has been running a campaign of Teh Clawring Crabe's great invention, D02: Know No Limit, over the past few weeks. I just wanted you all to contemplate his badassosity and complete insanity while perusing a session's worth of quotes.

The cast, in order of appearance:

Kalyn: tha's me, playing Jackie Chang, a Chinese-American kung-fu badass with a small army of hamsters.

Gareth: Killfalcon, our Fearless Leader and DM.

Nick: aka Baka on these boards when he bothers posting, playing Casino Anderson, a disturbing amalgamation of most of Keanu Reeves' movie parts.

Justin: poor bastard who has to live with Baka and Killfalcon and owns far too many WhiteWolf books to be considered sane. His character is called Brian 'the Poodle.' Nuff said.

Greg: aka Blacksheep, he plays a character who is essentially Samuel L Jackson.

The premise: we started the campaign with an 80s action movie, and each subsequent game has been a sequel of sorts. We work for the good ole US of A and go around the world kicking the crap out of evil doers. We have fought Communists, evil bishies, giant robot Hitlers, and lots of other scary stuff.

Enough of my babbling. Behold!

Kalyn: I can knit adamantium?

Gareth: Pass me my d02. It's the one with Bad Motherfucker written on it.

Gareth: Right, that's it, you're facing kajagoogoos.

Gareth: Oh my god, they've got Bros. Quick, let's get out of here before they give them back.

Nick: What's the damage on a mullet?
Justin: Emotional or physical?

Gareth: d02: Teh Mulleting. Everyone put a mullet in their inventory.

Kalyn: Mullet mullet mullet mullet mullet!

Gareth: I rule.

Nick: I walk like an Egyptian.

Gareth: You can see one of them is wearing armour and has a strange liking for green cloothing.
Justin: We're Doomed.

Gareth: Latverian-Canadian.

Gareth: Oui, oui, oui, all the way home.

Gareth: Doom, all-American hero. Doom smash!

Gareth: I hate you all. Come back Doom.

Gareth: Doctor Dom.

Justin: At a mysterious shadowy medical convention.

Gareth: I can't think of a mission. Give me one.

Kalyn: I am not a foetus. Shut up.

Nick: What's the damage on a spoon.
Kalyn: It doesn't matter. There is no spoon.

Gareth: The right to speak your mind and blow shit up.

Gareth: There's always room for helicopters.

Gareth: Don't mind me, I'm incorporeal.

Gareth: Think Asteroids. Blow shit up.

Gareth: This is shit. Blow it up.

Nick: I have a mental image of Prince Philip in a frock.

Gareth: Fly the damned helicopter. Please. Get me out of this scene.

Gareth: He's not French. He doesn't have superpowers.

Nick: The only good tourist is a dead tourist.

Gareth: They're speaking a strange dialect of hamster.

Justin: they're not speaking any language known to man. Or hamster.

Kalyn: Give me back that d02. It may be important.

Gareth: You have all the guns you could ever need. On your head. Yesterday.

Nick: How many people can I kill with guns on my head?
Greg: Depends. How many poeple are there on your head?
Gareth: I'm going to have to go with Greg on this one.

Kalyn: We have to find out what they're doing.
Greg: No we don't, we just have to stop them doing it.

Gareth: Oh, screw it. Ninjas attack.

Gareth: Fucking hell. Ninja explode. On your head.

Greg: Rap with Wyclef Jean.

Gareth: They have a clue.
Nick: I take the clue.
Justin: So now the ninja don't have a clue?
Gareth: They're dead. They don't need a clue.

Gareth: I have no idea about the care of mullets.
Greg: Keep them in a cage and throw in a carrot every now and then.
Justin: Mullets eat carrots?
Greg: No, but the carrots attract rabbits, and the mullets eat the rabbits.
Gareth: This is obviously true.

Nick: I defy logic.
Kalyn: You really shouldn't have to roll for that.

Gareth: You got posthumously eaten.

Justin: It's a good thing continuity doesn't exist in this universe.

Gareth: You think you see something up ahead.
Nick: I shoot it.
Gareth: I don't see why not.

Nick: Can I have a special bonus?
Gareth: Yeah, you get to play as the Rock.

Nick: Can you sa-mell-ell-ell-a-ell?
Gareth: Yes. Yes, I can.

Gareth: Accompanying the accordians are shuriken.

Gareth: Suck field engaged. Bloody fucking hell. Stupid ninja. We're running out of ninja.

Gareth: A white flag of surrender shrouded in black. Because they're ninja.

Gareth: Anyone who wants one can have an accordian.

Kalyn: How much damage does a hamster with a shuriken do?

Gareth: The French jungles are terrible. They're full of grapes. In Germany, our vineyards are full of vine.

Gareth: They're red-flavoured.

Gareth: Is anyone else going to do something strange or can I finish my sentence?

Gareth: Critical success! All three of his hands are cut off.

Kalyn: Nuh-uh.
Gareth: The fuck?

Gareth: He breaks down in tears.
Nick: Does that make him a coach?

Gareth: Step away from the coins.

Nick: It doesn't matter. Best skill ever.
Kalyn: Nuh-uh.

Kalyn: I hit myself with your feet.

[Jason Hinds]

Genius.

[Elemental]

Wonderful.

[Daydreamweaver]

Damn right.
[/shameless bump]

[Seroster]

Idiocy.

[Daydreamweaver]

Originally posted by Seroster
Idiocy.

But of course! Tha's where half the brilliance comes from, you see.

[Baka]

Of course... awesomeness abounds. But then MISTER Anderson died. So now I play teh roxxor (spelt in true d02 style) - and I layeth the smack down on everyone I see. Well, the ones I don't Run Down with my Brahma Bull, or unleash my army of Scorpions on.. or... yeah.

Random, crazy, but awesome.

[Judas]

Gareth: Oh, screw it. Ninjas attack.

An important skill any GM should cultivate.

[BlackSheep]

Many more d02 quotes...

Session 1

Gareth: Modern day, but somewhat sillier...

Gareth: Are you in?
Katy: No, I'm Van.

Gareth: This is a damn good plan. It doesn't even need chewing gum!

Greg: If I couldn't kill someone with a wallet with 'Bad Motherfucker' written on it, I wouldn't be a bad enough motherfucker to carry it.

Nick: Do I need to have any character description beyond 'Keanu Reeves'?

Katy: Can I have the skill 'drive car off bridge and have parachute handy'?
Justin: It's kind of a limited skill.
Greg: Depends how often you drive off bridges.

Greg: This is d02. One-in-a-million shots happen fifty percent of the time.

Gareth: There's a slight difference. One allows you to kill someone. The other allows you to kill a city.

Justin: From Shania Twain to The Darkness. It's not that big a difference, really.

Gareth: The security and safety of the United States depends on it!
Nick: How?
Gareth: They're Nazis, dammit!

Nick: Geography is so last year.
Greg: That's history...

Gareth: There are no Nazis in Germany. There are Germans in Germany. There are Nazis on the moon. Where were you for geography class?

Gareth: That's three out of five. If you want to have an opinion, it's too late.

Kalyn: I come out of the closet. What the fuck's going on?

Justin: If there's one thing I don't need in the morning, it's Brock Lesnar.

Greg: I'm so badass, I don't need oxygen.

Aled: Now lots of people have died here, this is effectively a tomb, so can I raid it?

Nick: I'm not The One!
Gareth: That's worth remembering.

Gareth: I believe under the rules I have to punch you repeatedly.

Gareth: You can indeed use Hermann Goering as an improvised weapon.

Justin: Nazi Transformers? No!

Gareth: Giant Robo J. Edgar Hoovers with Tutus of Damnation!

Gareth: Who's going to pay for the very expensive spaceship you left on the moon?
Nick: I'm not the One!
Kalyn: The Zeppelin has an anti-matter field, so it doesn't matter.

Greg: Miscellaneous body parts. That way, they don't even have to be my own!

Gareth: Two votes for Russians, one for Italians, one for snowmen. So, Siberian plumbers?



Session 3

Aled: Is that the session?
Gareth: That would involve me writing it first.

Gareth: Decontinuify.

Kalyn: He probably has a vein on his head that pulses when he shouts.
Gareth: He practiced for that vein!

Kalyn: Curse you and your franchising options!

Gareth: Somewhere in Siberia, there is a cutscene...

Gareth: Little Russian subtitles that say they now control the base...ski.

Justin: How can he be evil if he has a kitten?
Gareth: Blomfeld had to start somewhere.

Gareth: Yes, satay chicken tastes like chicken.

Gareth: BOOMSKI!

Gareth: They're less best than you are.

Justin: Goddamn, you have to be French or a Communist to get superpowers in this game?

Gareth: The French Canadians are probably the twinks in this game.
Greg: They're cool because they're Canadian, but they're superpowered because they're French.

Kalyn: I bring out my sword.
Nimrod: I bring out an insurance policy.
Kalyn: Did I mention my sword is the Green Destiny?
Nimrod: Yeah, but paper cuts...

Kalyn: Fortunately, I failed my decapitate roll.

Greg: Emperor is not a rank recognised by the US Army.

Gareth: A knife for opening letters...
Nimrod: Oh, for 'opening letters'?
Gareth: Put the quotes where you like, I don't care.

Gareth: Before the audience even has time to get bored, you're in Siberia.

Aled: I fail to not die, but can I dodge the floor?
Gareth: Name a movie where that works and you'll live.
Greg: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Gareth: He didn't name it, so he dies.

Justin: My dignity has died a thousand deaths. Can someone dig me out of the snow?

Greg: Yay for telepathy fax sending.

Gareth: Those quotes are all from thi session? I'm afraid of my own game!
Greg: *scribbling madly* Damn it!

Gareth: Lucozade - it even cleans your sink!
Aled: No, I failed.
Gareth: Lucozade - not for your sink!

Gareth: If you're going to do that then she's a kung fu grandma. Sorry, it's in the rules.

Kalyn: I'm going to use my investigate crater skill to investigate the crater.

Gareth: You have enough dead Russians to make a living selling jigsaws.

Aled: Is it secret evil data or just secret data?
Gareth: It's probably evil.

Gareth: It's a vault for storing adamantium. It's not made of adamantium.
Aled: Well, that'll be useful. If we find any adamantium.

Justin: Critical success!
Gareth: You speak all kinds of rodent languages.

Gareth: You didn't kill them, you can't take their stuff.

Kalyn: The hamster already haas insurance. If anything happens to it, I kill you.

Gareth: They went past cats at some point in the narrative.

Gareth: Ever-increasing hamsters of mastery. Or something.

Nimrod: Can I use the hamster hat for voodoo?

Nimrod: We wait until we see them before I do any hamster voodoo.
Gareth: ...good.

Gareth: You didn't hit Jack. Who did you hit?

Kalyn: How many are there?
Gareth: Some.

Justin: That's the sickest way I've ever killed someone.

Kalyn: I'm too cute to bleed.
Gareth: Damn, and that's what adamantium razors do best.

Gareth: Do you have the skill...why do I even ask? Roll the damned dice.

Gareth: They no longer have adamntium fur. Nor does anyone else who might have had. For any reason.

Aled: Can I put the adamantium fur in my adamantium vault?
Gareth: Yes. Yes, you can.

Greg: Which way did it go?
Gareth: It went off the left side of the screen.

Gareth: A reindeer flies past. He shoots it. It comes down in flames and crashes into the fjord.

Gareth: Next person to make me justify something gets killed.

Gareth: Evil music for his army of orcs.

Gareth: Note to self - never use bases.

Gareth: He gets a syringe of super soldier serum and injects the hamster. Thewn he gets a much bigger syringe and puts the hamster in it and injects it into himself.
Gareth: You're surrounded by Patagonian
nationalists armed with dictionaries.

Justin: Welsh insurance forms. The evil gets worse.

Gareth: They speak to you in Welsh.
Justin: The horror!

Gareth: You want a dictionary? Cup of tea? Revolution?

Justin: A lovely tourist spot. Famed for its Lucozade.

Gareth: Cushty.
Justin: That means good.

Gareth: Atomic laser death plus two. Thousand.

Greg: You got four, I got three, he got two thousand.

Kalyn: J Edgar Hoovers powered by Lucozade.

Gareth: Lucozade - guaranteed to slay your Uruk-Hai.

Kalyn: I smite you with a hamster.
Gareth: I steal your hamster.
Kalyn: I smite you with an evil squirrel.

Gareth: Now they're handy, cyclonic, and you can see the Uruk-Hai spinning to their deaths.

Gareth: Lucozade-Hai.

Aled: The Lucozade pulses through their veins.
Gareth: No, that'd be the rhythm.

Gareth: Metaskills result in punches in the face. It's in the rules.

Gareth: Uruk miss. Uruk miss. Uruk smash. Uruk fall down. Ah, fuck it. On a random statistical sample...they all fail.

Nimrod: Dead man drinking.

Greg: That's anti-ninjaing my kills. That's clericing my kills.

Nimrod: I wanted to use the mahogany desk on my next attack.
Gareth: Unfortunately, you're dead. Next time, don't taunt God.

Gareth: Fatality!

Nimrod: You said he smited me.
Gareth: I didn't say you were dead.

Gareth: Jesus Christ, I've just realised that Jack is Tony Blair.

Aled: That is good going. Two character ceaths in two rounds. That's got to be a record.
Gareth: Technically it was the same round.

Aled: Smitin' tonight.

Nimrod: I'm going to kill God and take her stuff.

Gareth: J Edgar Dyson.

Gareth: Can we sig Nimrod's facial expression?

Gareth: Meanwhile, in Björkland.

Nimrod: Sounds like Björk but doesn't taste like her.

Aled: I turn the light on. If it's off.
Gareth: It's already on.
Aled: I won't bother then.

Aled: Has he got a Tesla coil?
Gareth: He's got three.

Kalyn: I have an angry hamster and a confused hamster.
Gareth: Gotta catch 'em all.

Gareth: His voice is shrouded in shadow. He's just standing there.

Gareth: No. That makes no sense at all.

Gareth: Super hamster war form!

Gareth: He's falling apart at the seams. Which has got to look fucking weird when you think about it.

Gareth: Afro stoat!

Gareth: You now have an afro. Put it in your stuff.

Justin: Killed by an Epson wielded by a super cyber stoat in an afro.

Gareth: Does anything actually happen on this page?

Gareth: Truth, justice, and all that shit.

Gareth: God bless Epson and dYson and all our other sponsors.

Gareth: Just because I say firstly doesn't mean I have a second point.

Kalyn: What exactly did we just save the world from?



Session 5

Justin: When did we aquire French Ninja outfits?
Kalyn: When we were in France fighting ninjas. Duh.

Gareth: We're born, we train, we march, we explode. That's what we do.

Gareth: Stop whining about the whining.

Justin: Lord of the Idiots.
Kalyn: Lord of the Monkeys.
Nick: Return of the pwned.

Gareth: You're not going to strange new worlds and whatever. There will be no Khan.

Aled: Malcolm McDowall in the middle?

Gareth: I'm trying to remember who the shadowy figures were.
Greg: You mean we have continuity?
Gareth: Good point. Doctor Doom, Doctor Dom, Doctor Zoom and Doctor Billy-Bo-Bob.

Gareth: d o Doomed!

Gareth: Meanwhile, in the land of the brave and the free, some cops are beating up a black kid.

Kalyn: Capitol Hill is where Congress is. The President is in the White House.
Gareth: He's visiting.

Gareth: We've passed a new law. Terrorists are bad, mmkay?

Gareth: In a secret underground bunker thing. Somewhere in Anytown, Americasville.

Greg: If you raise your eyebrow and nobody's looking, does it still make a sound?

Nick: He used logic. I consider this unfair,

Kalyn: Niobe. Not Naomi.

Gareth: One of the mutant hamster's abilities appears to be 'not go fuzzy when EMPed'.
Kalyn: I'll write that down.

Kalyn: I fail to nuh-uh.

Gareth: Barad-Doom.

Gareth: Your black outfit fades into the snow.

Greg: I can't remember what the fuck I just said.

Gareth: No...the prophesied hamsters! Dom, you take this one. I'm off to Latveria.

Aled: I light my flare.
Nick: Woo!

Gareth: Critical failure? Which of your feet are you less attached to?

Justin: I use my PDA to make the supercomputer my private bitch and bring highly accurate orbital laser death down around us.
Greg: We're indoors.
Justin: It's highly accurate.

Justin: Oh damn, I passed.

Kalyn: Don't make my hamsters smite you.

Gareth: If Tina Turner's hair is in the building it's probably safely under a stasis field. You don't think Doom would take such a chance, do you?

Gareth: These aren't words.

Gareth: Chanel electricity?

Kalyn: You forgot about the genetics of a dictator?

Nick: I'm screwing the way it should go.

Kalyn: One of my hamsters is badass.
Gareth: We knew that already.

Gareth: Random lights and random twitching hamsters.

Justin: I tell the hamsters we're here to rescue them. In hamsterese.
Gareth: They squeak in happiness.

Greg: Put velcro on their arses.

Gareth: There's a hamster moving the hamsters.

Justin: Can I confuse the shit out of him?
All: Eww!

Kalyn: Yes, he's a hologram, you monkey. That's why he's fading out.

Justin: Were-hobbits?
Gareth: Giant space hobbits!

Justin: Fire it at me. I'm immune to plot devices.
Greg: Half the time. The other half, you're dead.

Gareth: Yet more fucking hamsters.

Gareth: It's a beach on top of the Alps. Great plan.

Aled: Can I put on my Alpine milkmaid outfit?
Gareth: Yes. Yes, you can.

Justin: Can I find an operating manual for the One RIng?

Kalyn: Yay. The destruction of France.

Gareth: You don't exist in downtime. Stop doing stuff.

Kalyn: You felt sorry for the ultimate evil?
Aled: He was kinda cute.

[Killfalcon]

Gareth: Those quotes are all from this session? I'm afraid of my own game!

Because it needed to be said in bold.