[Actual Play] The Night Watch, Series Two, Thread Three
I think we're up to the third thread. I'll link the others in soonish. Here's the prologue for episode 2.9 When I Was A Boy
The elegant, athletic figure glowed with restrained rage as he paced the woodland glade. The frost-hardened grass crunched beneath his feet, sounding like gnashing teeth. Poetic observers would have been reminded of a caged tiger. More accurate viewers would have recalled an imminent nuclear explosion.
“You said it yourself, my Lord. Over Midwinter, the Queen’s reach is strong, and the Princess no doubt raised the alarm.”
“Oh yes.”
“So why do we not lie low? Why do we harry?”
“We harry, kinsman, because we can do nothing else. These…vermin…” – he spat the word with such hate it was as if it burned his tongue to voice it - “have my sword.” He paused for a second as visible rage cross his face. “Our sword. They make no obeisance to the Old Ways, nor to us. They insult us with every breath they take. By their very existence, they spit upon us.” He whirled on his interlocutor. “Are you going to let them spit on you, cousin? Can you bear that insult?” The questioned figure was forced to look down under that withering gaze.
“I can not. I will not. True, as you say, we cannot act directly at this moment. But they will be absent over Midwinter. Far away. And we can use an agent that she will never be able to track. A puck perhaps. Yes, a puck. To play games with them. To hurt them. Spill some blood. Make them taste the nature of my displeasure even to the other end of the earth.”
“Yes, a puck would be perfect. Or a neiblung. Or…” and here he broke out laughing. It was a sound without mirth, like steel shattering on stone. “Oh, that is perfect. So perfect. Oh, you mortals, how wonderful you are.”
“Who, my Lord? Who will you send?”
He didn’t answer. Instead he simply stared at the decorated shop window, still visible through the trees to his falcon-vision, and smiled a smile even darker than his black eyes. To himself, he murmured an ancient song of warning – a warning that humans had long since forgotten to heed:
“Your mongoose is extendable?”
“Of course. Isn’t yours?”
The first and last big OOC gags of this session, and it was a session rife with OOC gags. Probably too rife – the plot was too loose, we had five again, and I didn’t have a great character for Scott, and hijinks were in the air because we watched a MST3K episode before we started (Red Zone Cuba). Which was all good fun (I was laughing so hard by the end I hurt my diaphragm) but I think we could use some more focus again. But anyway….
Our heroes:
John: Very posh first-in-line to a lordship. Mourning his cousin Eddie, who is also his half-brother. Turns into a choralisk demon at full moon. Just found out his girlfriend is a fairy princess.
Tom: Lackadaisical American just trying to drift through Watcherhood and Oxford, but now possesses a magical demon-slaying sword and a kind of possessive magical girlfriend
Eirion: Poor Welsh farm boy who escaped from a demonic past and wants to be more than just poor or demonic. Getting quite good at magic, much to his teacher’s disapproval.
Charlie: The new girl, Indian, gorgeous, bright, but still trying to fit into this boy’s club and their old wounds. Has variable telekinesis, an Electra complex and a problematic love life.
Pru: Their Invigilator.
2.9 When I Was A Boy…
Cutscene intro as above, then...
We join our heroes lounging in Pru’s flat in London on a late December morn, still recouperating from arresting Jack the Ripper and letting an evil succubus get away - and reading their post. John’s father writes to tell his son that things aren’t good for him to come this Christmas, but his present is attached (“My present is an attachment? I hate the modern age!”). Charlie’s mum calls to say she can’t come as there’s a sudden fashion show going on in Milan. Eirion gets a letter from Charity and Terrence (including a didgeridoo). Tom gets a letter from his parents inviting him to come over if he wants, as it will be good frequent flier miles for his business account. Of course, the gang were planning to spend Christmas with Pru…but a second later she bundles in with her cases, empties them and starts filling them again. Turns out there’s an emergency Watcher symposium in Stockholm because Mr Giles has reported that the CIA are meddling with watcher business again, in Sunnydale. Big conference needed to decide on new policy. So no Christmas with Pru. Or, as Tom put it:
Without much choice, the gang decide to saddle up and head to Tom’s family estate in Maine. At the Bangor airport, Tom’s older, tougher brother Mark (Mark Wahlberg) greets them with a sign saying “British Dudes”. On the way to the big house, they get to arguing about the best way to go, and don’t see Stephen King walking his dog. There’s a crunch as he is comically run over.
The place is a lavish Edwardian house build in the early 18th century and reclaimed in the last thirty years or so. The massive entry and lounge are bedecked in wreaths and banners and candles, and Bing Crosby croons A Winter Wonderland from the stereo. They get rushed in and hugged by Tom’s mother Margaret (Stockard Channing) and introduce themselves to her, and to his father Robert (Gene Hackman), and then to everybody else – there’s about 25 relatives in the house (and I made a random table to see who they encountered). John starts by talking to Kortney (15), Tom’s cousin on his dad’s side, who just wants to talk rapid-fire about everything, particularly if it is true whether “English guys are all like, really horny”. Eirion gets faith-healed by crazy cousin Joshua, the Jesus-Freak. Charlie gets bailed up by Duncan (age 10) and his playstation, then intercepted by bitch-queen Grandma Lauren (Lauren Bacall):
Lauren: So, are you dating my grandson?
Charlie: uh…no. He’s dating my roommate.
Lauren: So where is she?
Charlie: She couldn’t come…
Lauren: Ah, so you’re the second-stringer, then? The reserve?
Charlie: uh…
Lauren: So why aren’t you dating my grandson?
Charlie: uh…
Lauren: What’s wrong with him? Handsome young lad, I would have thought.
C: Nothing
L: So why aren’t you dating him?
C: uh, I have a boyfriend, I’m dating Alan Lourdes, the actor
L: Hmm. And he doesn’t mind you being a half-caste?
C: Actually, I’m Indian.
L: Oh, wonderful. If we get attacked by cowboys, you’ll know just what to do!
Clinton (age four) grabs Charlie and wipes jam all over his pants, but John scoops him up and plays Spiderman with him. Meanwhile, Mark and Duncan are throwing the pigskin and having a heated argument about who would win in a fight, Spiderman or Superman:
Mark: He would throw him into the sun!
Duncan: No, no, cos he would use his webs and stop from falling in!
Mark: What’s he gonna do? Web up the SUN?
Eirion is now being bored by Robert about how good the trucking business is, and how he built the old family name up from nothing. The old family were here back in the 18th century, when Mad Uncle Rupert built the house, quite the eccentric he was, but then the family fell on bad times. John ends up with mad Aunt Dot, Robert’s aunt, Jim’s sister. Jim is deaf (Tom is shouting to him about Oxford in the corner) and Dot is doddering and John has to explain many times who he is.
Aunt Dot: I’m not related to you, am I?
John (very patiently): No, I’m Tom’s friend
Dot: Tom Evelyn’s eldest or Tom Robert’s son?
Col, breaking character: I don’t know, you’ve got the family tree!
Eventually, Tom excuses himself from his smothering mother and pulls his friends to safety outside. They move their stuff into the servants quarters. Mark follows, talking about Tom’s “football” scholarship and generally being a macho superior asshole.
Charlie: Is there something wrong with your brother?
Tom: Yeah, he had a football accident in high school
Mark: Hey, my pecker’s working just fine now, thanks!
They head back in for presents – for the very first time, Tom is being allowed to stay up for “grown-up presents” on Christmas Eve (kid presents are done the following morning), despite his mother’s protestations that he’s still her little boy. As they march into the lounge under the mistletoe, Charlie kisses Tom, and John, and Eirion, and then spots Mark on the end of the line. She smiles and ducks inside quickly. He is deflated. Especially since Tom’s not dating her, so he has a clean shot, as he already said quite loudly.
As gifts are exchanged among the group, and to the parents (only Charlie remembered to bring a gift for Tom’s parents, the others quickly go “oh, those are from all of us”), Santa arrives (Brian Blessed). He’s terribly jolly and a little drunk, having a quick feel of Dallas and even young Kortney who is naughtily out of bed. He hands out lollies and sweets to all, making jokes all the while, and asking everyone if they’ve been naughty or nice. It’s all good fun.
The gang then retire to their rooms, and spend a while looking for the secret compartments:
Eirion: Where are all the hidden weapons?
John: No, this is America. All the weapons are out in the open.
Eventually, the boys go to bed. Early next morning, the sun rises over the soft white snowy landscape and a very excited Eirion leaps out of bed. Of course he’s excited! It’s Christmas day, he’s sleeping over at Tom’s and he’s eleven years old!
COMMERCIAL! Coming soon: Maggie Smith, Miriam Margoyles and Jane Horrocks in Terry Pratchett’s Witches Three: the live-action series! Lawks!
Eirion wakes his friends (also aged eleven), and they get into their snow gear and run outside for a snowball fight. Charlie watches and throws a few – why did Tom’s mom make him invite a gurl anyway? – and John is dismissive:
John: That is SO immature...
(He gets hits square in the face with a snowball. He looks cross. Then he immediately starts building a fort and stockpiling ammo)
Tom gets snowzored by his older brother Mark (15) – he is pinned down and snow is shovelled into his pants. At which point his mother comes out and yells at him not to ruin his pants. Tom blames Mark. Mark parries by suggesting Tom has wet his pants. John busts up. Charlie busts up. Mrs Brooks just shakes her head and tells them to get inside for presents.
As they move to go, John gets a quizzical look in his eye.
John: Hang on….does something about this seem a little odd?
Tom: Nope
John: Cool. Let’s go get presents!
John gets a complete set of Tolkein, his very first (sort of). Charlie gets a new bridle and a new rifle, so she can go hunting with daddy. Tom gets a new sled, Mark a new football helmet. Eirion gets…a puppy. Patches Mark 2. Mrs Brooks tells them to share. Charlie happens to be pointing the gun at the dog when she says “Oh, sure, I’ll share MY toys”
Then Mrs Brooks sends them out to play while she gets every else off to church – but they are not allowed to get dirty before they leave! Which leads Tom and Eirion to have the kewlest idea – if they get dirty, they won’t have to go to church at all!
The four boys and Charlie race through the woods, yelling and shouting and re-enacting the War of Independence, only with mud bombs and stick muskets. None of them notice the half-crippled form of Stephen King shuffing through the woods quietly calling for help – until a mud bomb hits him in the face and knocks him down a sharp incline into a deep gully, screaming all the way. After a while, the fun wanes:
John: “I’m bored, can we play the Falklands now?”
But they do indeed get out of going to church. Everyone is going to be punished, except Charlie, because she smiles her smile and is such a good girl. But Mrs Brooks has things to do, because Mrs Willis from down the way has just arrived, distraught – her two children didn’t come back from carolling last night. So Mark is left in charge again (despite Tom’s protests) and the boys are told to stay close and NOT GO IN THE WOODS. But as soon as she’s gone, they play up again, with John and Mark trying to Stink Palm each other. So Charlie asks Mark to show her the gun collection, and Tom and Eirion ditch stupid nerdy John and go back to the woods. John goes and reads a book.
(One nice thing about this group is it splits so nicely into pairs for dramatic conversations and splitting off to do cool things. In the first series, we started with a Tom/Eirion group (both outsiders) and a John/Eddie group (they were cousins). Then, for no clear reason, Eddie and Eirion bonded (the two rebels) and John and Tom linked up a lot (the two clowns, and the two romantics). This series, we’ve had – although a bit skewed with the five for a while, and Miranda and Fay but we returned to the steady state - Eirion and Charlie bonding (both rebellious, both magical) and Tom and John (both dating, not each other), but now we’re getting a whole new John and Charlie link (both had unhappy childhoods and are ignored by their parents still, more on this later) in contrast to Tom and Eirion (both had fairly happy childhoods), something which came out of this ep, completely unexpectedly. There’s also an emerging John/Eirion bond now as both of them want revenge for Eddie….)
Somewhere in the middle of everyone punching each other and calling people gaybos, Tom and Eirion stumble onto something cool in the woods. They pick it up and poke at it and then realised it’s a child’s arm, recently severed and still in the parka sleeve.
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(This is all I got done at work today - 2000 words is a lot! - more to come tonight I hope)
I had so much fun remembering the kind of insults I used when I was eleven that I didn't want to stop. There's a gift for combining rude words in completely absurd but still insulting ways that you somehow lose at a certain age.
I think 'rodmuncher' was my favourite, though remembering that once upon a time calling someone a 'gaybo' was a common insult was nostalgia-tastic.
__________________ The Egyptian enquired of the Spartans why they wore their hair so long. Olympieus replied, quoting the lawmaker Lykurgus, "Because no other adornment makes a handsome man more comely or an ugly one more terrifying. And it's free."
Steven Pressfield - Gates of Fire
The actual conversation between Mark and the brat was a little longer, with one of those lovely wind ups of escalation.
And raising of voices. I kept referring to Marcus as 'Marky Mark' (hence giving the character a decent and believable first name ) but I was more trying voicewise for Chet from Weird Science.
Being 15 and infantile was fun again.
As opposed to being 33 and infantile.
PS. Fear me Bakula! I am coming for j00!!
__________________ Roger Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is. Martin Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.
) but I was more trying voicewise for Chet from Weird Science.
Linear Mode
