Critic my larp please

Leprenomichaun

Non-Euclidean faerie
Validated User
#2
You should open up the sharing on the document if you want people to critique it -- currently I get an access denied / please request permission screen when I click your link.
 

Ricohard1986

Registered User
Validated User
#3
okay a few points. Your setting/ idea is intriqueing but there are some issues.

1. Your grammar and word use is frequently difficult to parse and understand. Is english your first language? either way this definately feels that while I think I mostly get your intent there are points when I'm puzzled.

2.When you describe the people of your powers your primary describe by physical appearance, such as 'Petra' noted for their dark skin or at least being tanned. As a very pasty white northern european who burns rather than tans would I be allowed to play someone from Petra? I know you mention not having a 'high dress code' but I'd suggest tying national identifiers more to costume than to race.

3. I'm not sure about the revelation of character backstory to the player in game, For example If i'm given mention of a wife and daughter, as for Dr Blaushield, including a photograph of them I have to make an immediate decision as a character to decide how that informs my actions which if it doesn't fit with information later [not in terms of new information but in terms of newly revealed backstory] would pull me out of character and leave me with dissonance that would be hard to repair, are all the characters amnesiac? is memory loss a side effect of the disease?

4. Your no kill rule, Is that a no violence at all rule? I'd suggest some form of IC justification even if its just 'there are guards on the perimeter [off screen] who will stop you. After all I see no IC reason why, for example, Blaushield wouldn't just grab the serum and fight back against anyone who tried to stop him...

5. The description of the outside area as littered with bodies and headstones. Honestly this is just jarring, any organisation who set up this base would have made corpse removal a high priority when you have a nasty disease as well as normal issues of getting into the water supply. Bodies collected in body bags, or just bin bags by this point as the body bags ran out long ago would be easier to physrep and scatter the clues in while still having a suitably stark aesthetic.

I think the biggest problem runs from the grammar issues meaning there are places where parsing intent is hard
 
#4
Extremely creative! Obviously grammar isn't the end all be all, but it does take the reader out of the moment for example:
created a virus. Via releasing prisoners

takes away from the immersion.
 
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