I was reincarnated as a Manga & Written Japanese discussion thread (Part 3!)

0Megabyte

Stardust Princeling
Validated User
Yeah I know it does, I was being coy to avoid saying exactly how fucked up it gets.

There's playing a villian, and then there's playing a villian.
I have met this story (criticism comes best from an informed position), and it is pretty much Dungeon Keeper fanfic with no gameplay abstraction of the bit where you can capture invading heroes and turn them to your side. There's a lot of turning them to your side, in some detail.

The main character is not a blank slate, which is usually a good thing, but this guy is towards the darker end of the "slave master fantasy" domain. What kind of person would actually brainwash and dominate his way to power like this? Somebody with really really extreme control issues is who. Most of the time he's Doctor Doom level "do not resist me and I shall be a kind master".

Then:

Spoiler: Show

We get introduced to a female strategist on the side of the kingdom, who uses brains to subvert the dark lord's powers, in an effort to prove her worth in a system that's pretty sexist and tries to shut her down despite her competence. She actually manages to capture the dark lord briefly, and offers to switch sides when his minions come to rescue him.

This would ordinarily be another haremette intro.

But this guy has control issues, and as an enemy she threatened him, so he burns her to death.


On the one hand, this is entirely in character, and it's not what you'd do in a story that serves purely as a vehicle for smut. On the other hand, yikes. And it's not like the rest of the story isn't smut heavy.

So this is really not a nice story. It's purposefully dark on top of the usual coercive smut that you get in stories of this ilk. You could describe this as depth, but there are some bodies of water where swimming is just a bad idea, and the deeper they get the more dangerous they are.
The fucking mind games would be the worst, but... what's worse is that that's all the author has put thought into. And even then they aren't that good. And it isn't long before most of them start to suck, too. There's just no there there, save the tiny bit of mystique that comes from his backstory and ultimate goals. And we lose the most potentially interesting character, an opponent who can think on his level, as a matter of course.

The banter between a wizard and a succubus should be sexy, charged with a tension and excitement out of a classic romance movie. Even if they have sex, even if she ultimately joins in his plans, there needs to be something dangerous and wild about both of them to be fun. Mind-screwing a hero to be your servant of great potential power should make one feel on the razor's edge at all times, the affection and interest inextricably interwoven with paranoia that this will break her free. A bright, bitter, wrathful, terrible new apprentice should be reminding me of all the stuff about the Sith, where the apprentice is the greatest threat an evil overlord could ever have.

The story pays lip service to those sorts of things, but has no capacity to follow through on them. And honestly, those three alone are more than enough for both smut and character interaction.

It's not that I think this story has grand potential, but it has elements that could be workshopped into something fun, you know?
 

Ultimate Chicken

Social Justice Chicken
Validated User
The Manga In Which A Female Knight, Who Has Never Been Treated As A Woman Before, Is Treated As One (Ima made ichido mo onna atsukaisareta koto ga nai onnakishi wo onna atsukai suru manga) (Manga) #25

If Fooly doesn't want to use magic, then he should have tried a CHA roll at least. It seems to work well enough that all the girls fall over him.
 

darkgloomie

Un-jiggly
Validated User
The fucking mind games would be the worst, but... what's worse is that that's all the author has put thought into. And even then they aren't that good. And it isn't long before most of them start to suck, too. There's just no there there, save the tiny bit of mystique that comes from his backstory and ultimate goals. And we lose the most potentially interesting character, an opponent who can think on his level, as a matter of course.

The banter between a wizard and a succubus should be sexy, charged with a tension and excitement out of a classic romance movie. Even if they have sex, even if she ultimately joins in his plans, there needs to be something dangerous and wild about both of them to be fun. Mind-screwing a hero to be your servant of great potential power should make one feel on the razor's edge at all times, the affection and interest inextricably interwoven with paranoia that this will break her free. A bright, bitter, wrathful, terrible new apprentice should be reminding me of all the stuff about the Sith, where the apprentice is the greatest threat an evil overlord could ever have.

The story pays lip service to those sorts of things, but has no capacity to follow through on them. And honestly, those three alone are more than enough for both smut and character interaction.

It's not that I think this story has grand potential, but it has elements that could be workshopped into something fun, you know?
You're thinking it the wrong way. It's not "what makes for a good story", it's "what makes for a good power fantasy". The author doesn't want things to be dangerous or complex, just to appear so so that the protagonist looks greater because of the perceived threat.

I'm somewhat thrown at him killing the "good" mastermind that offered to join him, but I'll chalk that up to her showing agency and we can't hve women doing that now can we.
 

0Megabyte

Stardust Princeling
Validated User
You're thinking it the wrong way. It's not "what makes for a good story", it's "what makes for a good power fantasy". The author doesn't want things to be dangerous or complex, just to appear so so that the protagonist looks greater because of the perceived threat.

I'm somewhat thrown at him killing the "good" mastermind that offered to join him, but I'll chalk that up to her showing agency and we can't hve women doing that now can we.
Naw, this is fun for me. It's how I think about stories, and when a story annoys me, it's what I do sometimes. It's more fun than the actual manga was and in fact is something more like a power fantasy for me to OH SHIT NO-

Trapped in Another World to Workshop Other Authors' Other World Light Novels: A Harem Comedy
 

Kinni

Writer of Ten Thousand Ideas
Validated User
Naw, this is fun for me. It's how I think about stories, and when a story annoys me, it's what I do sometimes. It's more fun than the actual manga was and in fact is something more like a power fantasy for me to OH SHIT NO-

Trapped in Another World to Workshop Other Authors' Other World Light Novels: A Harem Comedy
I'd read it.
 

darkgloomie

Un-jiggly
Validated User
Naw, this is fun for me. It's how I think about stories, and when a story annoys me, it's what I do sometimes. It's more fun than the actual manga was and in fact is something more like a power fantasy for me to OH SHIT NO-

Trapped in Another World to Workshop Other Authors' Other World Light Novels: A Harem Comedy
You should totally write it. And all your Haremettes (or Haremites, I don't want to presume though that's less in-genre) are parodies of actual bad Isekai protagonists. The girl rules-lawyering the world with her smartphone, the onee-san whose room suddenly appeared as a safe haven in a dungeon, the five hundred years old loli on the quest to Master All Magic, the cute monstergirl who used to be a salarywoman.

(Actually my knowledge of bad Isekai is low as I drop them fast, but my impression is that a lot of them are pretty interchangeable anyway?)
 

Dawgstar

Member
RPGnet Member
Validated User
The Manga In Which A Female Knight, Who Has Never Been Treated As A Woman Before, Is Treated As One (Ima made ichido mo onna atsukaisareta koto ga nai onnakishi wo onna atsukai suru manga) (Manga) #25
I haven't been this charmed by an odd-couple manga since My Girlfriend is a T-Rex.
 

Icarium

Registered User
Validated User
I like Fooly a lot.

They started a bit too Hollywood-esque 'stalking is love', but that was dropped really quickly, thankfully, and he and the Female Knight are hilarious together.
 

NathanS

Registered User
Validated User
Komi-san 158: Okay that pose Sensei imagines Komi taking being just straight up the "how cute" one from Kaguya isn't just me right?
 

Dawgstar

Member
RPGnet Member
Validated User
I like Fooly a lot.

They started a bit too Hollywood-esque 'stalking is love', but that was dropped really quickly, thankfully, and he and the Female Knight are hilarious together.
Although it is pretty clear he's into Leo because he likes some some definition to his ladies, but every relationship needs a jumping off point.
 
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