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[In Which I Watch] Sailor Moon

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Shadowjack

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Episode #4: Usagi Will Teach You How to Lose Weight!

• RECAP:
"I'm Usagi Tsukino, and I have a magic cat. Together, we fight crime."

• BATH TIME: Fan service for hebephiles.
Usagi: "MY LIFE IS OVER! I've gained weight."
Dad and Mom give entirely sensible, proper, and sympathetic advice. Then Nelson throws in an insult, and the dam opens to parental nagging, which reduces Usagi to tears. Can this family be saved?

• BED TIME: Usagi vows to go on a diet.
Luna /is drawing something.
Luna: "Your parents are right. You're too young to be worrying about dieting; just eat properly and get proper exercise."
Usagi: "What's that you're drawing?"
Luna: "You in six months." :D
{Usagi sees a drawing of her as a FAT PRINCESS.}
Usagi /murderous rage.
Luna /escapes, slightly bruised. "Worth it! Totally worth it!"

•*THE NEXT DAY: At school.
Naru: "Would you mind not drooling in my bento box?"
Usagi: "Sorry. I'm on a diet."
<< Girltalk Mode: ON. >>
Bitchy Girl: "Oh, a diet!"
Chubby Girl: "Oh, I've tried everything. It never seems to take."
All: "We know, dear."
Bitchy Girl: "The best diet of course would be pining away for love…"
All /ecstatic sigh.
Usagi: "Er… and have you ever?"
Bitchy Girl: "Sigh. No. Not yet."
All: "We know, dear."
Bitchy Girl: "What's THAT supposed to mean?"
Chubby Girl /double-back bitchy. "Don't feel too bad, dearie. You can't help the way you were born."
All: "Fight! Fight!"

Ms. Haruna walks by, eyes sparkling, skirt swishing, long legs, what was I writing again? Oh, yeah.

Naru: "Whoa. How'd she get so thin?"
Usagi: "Thin? She looks the same to me."
Umino /pops up and provides before-and-after photos of Ms. Haruna from the local gym, neatly categorized, and in various states of deshabile.
Naru: "…Where did you get these?"
Umino: "Er… oops."
Umino /flees.
And after that, it's just a chase scene.
Usagi is the first to catch Umino and makes him talk.
Umino: "Thank you for not killing me."

• GYM SHAPELY: Has a giant video screen running celebrity endorsements.
Usagi: "Look! It's Vision. I loved her in <i>Bubblegum Crisis</i>."
Bitchy Girl: "If a famous person is endorsing this place, it must be good."
Naru: "I thought Priss was better. But look, they're offering free memberships!"
Chubby Girl: "Nothing is cheaper than free!"

• BUT INSIDE: A sinister figure watches from above.
Jadeite: "You mean, nothing costs <i>more</i> than free. Heh heh heh. MUAHAHAHAHA!"

• AFTER DRESSING OUT:
Jadeite, disguised as a pretty boy Aryan aerobics instructor: "Good afternoon, I'm Jeff Shapely, and this is my gym, where our motto is, 'If you ever stop, you won't get beautiful! <i>Ever!</i>' The first time is free, young ladies, so shall we begin?"
All: "BLUSH."

Jadeite is actually a good physical trainer, and his staff of pro bodybuilders displays quiet competence. Everyone gets a solid workout.

Jadeite: "Say, what happened to the blonde with the dumb hair?"
Usagi /sneaked out, and went to the jacuzzi.

Jadeite: "Now we shower down with the SHAPE RAY™. Step right up, ladies!"
Chubby Girl: "But they look like…"
Bitchy Girl: "…like…"
Naru: "…evil bodysnatcher pods."
Jadeite: "It's a prototype."
Jadeite: "It's a new marketing approach?"
Jadeite: "It's organic, 'all natural and chemical free.'"
Jadeite: "Look, it'll make you thin."
Chubby Girl: "And beautiful?"
Jadeite: "Sure, why not? Get in the pod, untermenschen."
Jadeite /cues up Daft Punk's 'Harder, Faster, Better, Stronger' on the stereo while the machine spins up.
Jadeite /takes a phone call. "Hello? Ah, excellent well, your Highness! These stupid mortal women are literally willing to kill themselves to lose weight! We're ahead of schedule! Yes, thank you, your Highness! Fare you well!"
Jadeite /opens up the pods.

The girls stagger out, looking like poster children for world hunger awareness.

Jadeite: "Yes, you're all looking <i>so</i> beautiful. Come again tomorrow."
All: "…uh…so beautiful…tomorrow…uh…"

Usagi: "Dude, where'd everybody go?"

• DOWNTOWN:
Usagi mugs a five-year-old kid for his dumplings, and she's so famished that the kid kicks her ass handily. She trips over Motoki and faints into a sickly romantic dream about him, but before the passionate kiss…

Usagi /wakes up
Usagi: "Awwwwwww, damn i— Hello, Motoki!"
Motoki: "You fainted! Haven't you been eating well?"
Usagi /explains.
Motoki /stifles laughter. "Actually, I think you could stand to gain a few. I like a girl with meat on her bones."
Luna: "Oh, Christ."
Usagi: "That is the greatest thing I have ever heard!"
> GO TO NEAREST EATERY
> BUY DUMPLINGS
> DUMPLING PIGOUT

Enter Mamoru, wearing a Tuxedo, I mean, tuxedo. He indulges in some drive-by heckling, and manages to scam a dumpling out of the deal.

Luna keeps trying to change the subject while Usagi tries to worry herself into every eating disorder in the book. Usagi finally decides to go to Gym Shapely again, which Luna counts as a partial victory, since it's obviously the bad guy base.

• GYM SHAPELY, AGAIN:
Usagi /exercises. "She's a maniac, maniac…"
Luna: "I can't keep watching this."
Luna: "Eh?"

Luna spots Ms. Haruna, well in the depths of the never attractive but ever popular 'strung-out heroin addict' look. She follows her.

Luna: "Where do these stairs go?"
Ms. Haruna: (totally wiped out) "…They go down…?"
Luna: "Thank you."

Jadeite feeds Haruna into the pods again.
Jadeite: "Looks like this one's almost done for. Too, too bad. Heh."

Luna: "USAGI! USAGI! BAD GUYS!"
Usagi: "No time! Exercising!"
Luna /CAT YOWL.
Usagi: "That's it! You and me! Right here, right now!"
Luna: "You're on, you brat!"
Luna /utterly dominates Usagi.
Luna: "Oh, sorry, did I not mention that I'm a world-class judoka?"
Luna /extends claws. "<i>Now then.</i> Let us get some things perfectly clear about our relationship."
Luna: "I AM YOUR CAT. I FUCKIN' OWN YOU."
Luna: "When I say your job is to <i>fight demons</i>, I expect you to hop to it! And if you don't, it's the CLAW for you!"
Luna: "IS. THAT. UNDERSTOOD?"
Usagi: "Eep! YES, MISTRESS!"
Luna /purrs. "Good. Now let's go save your teacher from herself."

• STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:
Usagi into Sailor Moon: 4
Usagi into Disguise Mode: 1

I admit I do like the transformation music. It is peppy!

• BOSS BATTLE:
Usagi /bursts in, dramatically lit.
Jadeite: "You again."
Usagi: "Me again. I am the gristle caught in the teeth of Crime, the pebble in the shoe of the Un-Just: I AM SAILOR MOON."
Jadeite: "Oh, for Evil's sake. Guards, destroy her!"
Usagi: "Great Clono, those bodybuilders didn't seem nearly so big in the workout room! Uh, boss? Got a plan?"
Luna: "Mind-control headbands! Zap 'em!"
Usagi: "I think I'd rather run for my life. Which, I note, you are doing as well."
Luna: "Cat's perogative. Anyway, you'll lose weight if you fight."
Usagi: "<i>Really?</i>"
Usagi /stops running.

Dramatic pause.

Usagi /takes the bodybuilders apart, then she takes the headbands apart.
Usagi: "Go back to being good boys!"
Bodybuilders: "Wha happen—?"
Luna: "That's my girl. (Thank goodness she didn't think to fight like that with me!)"

• LENG:
Queen Beryl: "I'm impressed, Jadeite, at the amount of energy you recovered. We'll call this a partial success."
Jadeite: "Your generosity is legendary, your Terrible Majesty. And I hearby vow to DESTROY this 'Sailor Moon' <i>personally</i>."
Queen Beryl: "Spare me the details, I have a raid in ten minutes."

• TSUKINO RESIDENCE:
Usagi: "AAAGH! I GAINED WEIGHT AGAIN! Wait, it's muscle. Hmm. Think I'd look good with tone? …You didn't answer right away. That means you couldn't bear to answer honestly. OH GOD I'M GOING TO BE A FAT SLOB MY LIFE IS OVER."
Luna: "And the moral of the story is that sometimes even a mallet isn't enough to pack a lesson in."
 
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Shadowjack

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Episode #5: A Monster's Scent! Chanela Steals Love

• RECAP:
"I'm Usagi Tsukino, and no one is paying attention to these anymore!"

• A NIGHTMARE!
And then Tuxedo Mask saves Usagi! But just before the good part—

• USAGI WAKES UP when she hears a scream of terror!
Usagi: "…This is getting to be a habit. Hello?"
Shingo, Usagi's little brother is ailurophobic, and Luna spent the night in his room. Usagi taunts Shingo.

• BREAKFAST on the Weekend
Usagi: "Hey, can I keep Luna here? Please?"
Luna: "I'll do my share of the chores, and pitch in on the rent."
Dad: "Sure!"
Mom: "Why not?"
Shingo: "NO WAY!"
Usagi: "YES WAY!"
Shingo: "NO WAY!"
Usagi: "YES WAY!"
Shingo: "NO WAY!"
Usagi: "YES WAY!"
Shingo: "NO WAY!"
Usagi: "YES WAY!"
Shingo: "NO WAY!"
Mom and Dad: "Work this out yourselves."

Usagi: "Why'd you sleep in <i>his</i> room, anyway?"
Luna: "Ineffable cat instinct. See, with us, eye contact is considered a challenge, so people who avoid eye contact seem pleasant. That's why we always try to sit on people who hate us."
Usagi: "Uh-huh."
Luna: "Also, I was up all night looking for the Moon Princess, and came back to the wrong room. You both smell similar, you know."
Usagi: "Right."
Luna: "I admit catnip might also have been involved. Hey, it was Friday night, gimme a break."
Usagi: "This Moon Princess thing has nothing to do with me, right?"
Luna: "Of course not."

• LENG:
Beryl: "Jadeite, new plan?"
Jadeite: "I have a magic iguana."

• ANOTHER DAY, at school:
Naru: "So Shingo is afraid of cats?"
Usagi: "A cat bit him when he was little."
Umino: "I got bit by an alligator when I was little. My mom left the hutch near me, and left the latch open."
Naru: "Gosh, I wonder why?"

•*MEANWHILE: Luna tries to ingratiate herself with Shingo.
Shingo: "CAT! CAT! Any animal but a CAT!"
Mika, cute little girl who likes Shingo: "Shoo, kitty. I know where you could get a different pet. Wanna come see?"

• ACKBAR'S HAIRY BUNNY BEASTS: Grand opening!
Shingo: "It looks more like a nightclub than a pet store!"
Shingo /pays the cover.
Poison Ivy's twin sister: "These are 'Chanela™', and we're selling them at cost because of the impending infringement of trademark suit. And the first one's free, heh heh heh."

Shingo and Mika are entranced, and wander off with their new pets in a blind daze, even <i>ignoring a starving stray puppy.</i> "As long as we have our chanelas, we don't need anything else."

• TSUKINO RESIDENCE:
Luna: "I don't have to be a house cat, you know. I could sleep on the roof…"
Usagi /parrots one of the Luna's speeches about never giving up.
Luna: "…Huh. Those speeches really <i>don't</i> work. But I'll give it another shot for your sake. Hey, Shingo! How ya—"
Shingo /kicks cat.

Usagi /:eek:

Shingo /cruel smile. Freeze-frame. Zooms closer. Closer. Closer.

Usagi /cries.
Shingo /flees.
Luna: "It takes more than that to hurt me!"

• TEATIME!
Shingo: "Chanela will now be my lord and master."
Dad: "Cute. Cute name."

• A SCHOOL MORNING: Usagi is actually the first one up.
Usagi: "Sweet revenge!"
Usagi: "Oi! Shingo! Shake it!"
Shingo: (faintly) "I'm not going to school today."
Usagi /peeks through door.
{Usagi observes that Shingo is making obeisance before the chanela, which is glowing with a light not found in Earthly spectra.}
Usagi: "…Uh oh."

• THAT DAY AT SCHOOL:
Ms. Haruna: "Okay, everyone, put those stuffed toys away, it's class time. You! Pay attention to me! Here, give me that silly thing—"
Schoolgirl #3: "HSSSSS. MY PRECIOUS!"
Schoolgirl #3 /does physical harm to Ms. Haruna.
{The addicted students cut school en masse, with their chanelas.}
Naru: "Okay, seriously, they're not <i>that</i> cute!"
Usagi: "I shall investigate upon my own initiative!"

• ACKBAR'S DOPE BEASTS:
Usagi: "…Now how do I go about this without getting infected myself?"
Mamoru: "Wear gloves?"
Usagi: "YOU?!"
Mamoru: "Just passing by." /exit.
Usagi: "JEEZ-US, is he stalking me? Creep."
Luna: "Hello, looks like we reached the same conclusions."
Usagi: "It's the pet store, definitely. I guess our only option is to buy one and see what happens."

Usagi is entranced, and wanders off with her new pet in a blind daze, even <i>ignoring a hurt crying child.</i>

Luna /applies first aid, then follows Usagi.
Luna: (brainwashed) "I'll kick you too. I don't like you."
Luna: "Heh, she's already forgotten my skill. Well, it's not your fault, kiddo."
Luna /judo disarm move.
Luna /eats the chanela.
Luna: "Ick. All hair, no meat."
Usagi /blinks and wakes up. "…Wha happen–?"

• QUICKLY! Back home!
Shingo hasn't eaten, slept, or gone to the bathroom since he brought the Chanela home.
Usagi /SLAP! "Snap out of it, you fool!"
Shingo /flees, with a madman's strength.
Luna: "Let's roll!"

• STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:
Usagi into Sailor Moon: 5
Usagi into Disguise Mode: 1

• NIGHT FALLS! CUT TO: Ackbar's Mind-Control Pod Pets
All the kids are gathered with their chanela, and worship strangely before their new masters.
Poison Ivy's twin sister: "Spread the pods to every household!"
Usagi: "Frill-necked lizards, Mexican salamanders, and human-faced fish are all mad!"
Amelio: "INDEED!"
PIts /man what
Usagi /bursts in, dramatically framed by the lights of passing cars. Awesome shot.
PIts: "Who are you?!"
Usagi: "I'm Batman!"
<< PIts transforms into IGUANA! >>
Usagi: "HOLY—!"
<< Kids transforms into Lizard Zombie Kids! >>
<< Lizard Zombie Kids attack! >>
Usagi /evades effectively.
Usagi: "Usually this is the point where Tuxedo Kamen enters dramatically and saves me!"



Usagi: "Any time now!"
Luna: "You're a big girl, you can do it yourself."
Usagi: "But— damn it, my brother's in that mob!"
Luna: "So set your tiara for stun!"
Usagi: "There's a stun mode? Well, in that case…"
<b>USAGI > TECH: MOONDUST > ALL ENEMY</b>
<< Lizard Zombie Kids are cured! Return to Kids! >>

Usagi /decoys IGUANA out into the parking lot.
IGUANA /grapples Sailor Moon with her shapely tail, inventing a new fetish.
Luna: "Push X to not die!"
Usagi /pushes X.
<< IGUANA is slain! >>
<< Usagi has levelled up! New technique mastered! >>
Amelio /escapes again.

Shingo: "Sailor V! Give me your autograph!"
Usagi /hides face. "I'm not Sailor V, I'm Sailor <i>Moon</i>!"
Shingo: "Whoever! Please?"
Usagi: "Okay, Shingo, but only on the condition that you be nice to Luna."
Shingo: "…How'd you know my name?"
Usagi: "…"
Usagi: "I know everything."
Shingo: "AWESOME."
Usagi: "Note to self: get a mask."

• DENOUEMENT:
Mom: "Welcome to the family, Luna."
Shingo: "Here, Luna, eat from my plate if you like. More wine? Let me get that for you."
Luna: "Now <i>this</i> is service!" /scarf scrunch munch yum gulp burp.
Usagi: "Uh-oh."
 

Badgerish

of or relating to badgers
Validated User
• LENG:
Beryl: "Jadeite, new plan?"
Jadeite: "I have a magic iguana."
deadpan and devoid of context, this is a thing of beauty!

It might even be the perfect answer to any possible question.
 
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Swordfish

Content Kitty
I watched it when I was little. If you get 'obsessed' with it, there's console game for it as well. I remember spending forever kicking down a wall so that you can move further. And if I haven't remember it wrong, some moves are bit like street fighters. Good old days...
 

anowack

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Re: Episode #5: A Monster's Scent! Chanela Steals Love

Shingo /kicks cat.

Usagi /:eek:

Shingo /cruel smile. Freeze-frame. Zooms closer. Closer. Closer.
If I recall correctly - and I'm much too lazy to check - this was the first episode to be entirely omitted from the dub, and it was generally believed that this bit was the reason.
 

JohnBiles

Registered User
Validated User
I keep expecting them to fight like they're using the Mid-Childan/Belkan magic system. And since every third episode or so they pull something very Nanoha-like, with a round shield or a bind or bringing a missile around behind the enemy—or, I should say, Nanoha-magic seems to be all the coolest bits of Sailor Moon-magic distilled in a crucible of awesome, which I guess was the point—the feeling just won't shake!
 

Shadowjack

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Re: Episode #5: A Monster's Scent! Chanela Steals Love

The sailor senshi don't need masks. With skirts that short, no one is looking at their faces. :cool:
Sailor V has a mask! Besides, they're incredibly comfortable.


deadpan and devoid of context, this is a thing of beauty!

It might even be the perfect answer to any possible question.
If I was doing Moments of Zen, like MST3K, that would have been one. :D



If I recall correctly - and I'm much too lazy to check - this was the first episode to be entirely omitted from the dub, and it was generally believed that this bit was the reason.
According to Wikipedia, it's the second one cut, and they don't list reasons. But I suspect you're right. Kricfalusi barely got away with his stuff; some weird foreign import hadn't a chance.

As I recall, in '92 they still had the "educational" requirement in kids' TV shows, with the PSAs and what-not, which is why the American dub had a moral tacked-on to the end of each episode.
 

sun_tzu

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Luna: "USAGI! USAGI! BAD GUYS!"
Usagi: "No time! Exercising!"
Luna /CAT YOWL.
Usagi: "That's it! You and me! Right here, right now!"
Luna: "You're on, you brat!"
Luna /utterly dominates Usagi.
Luna: "Oh, sorry, did I not mention that I'm a world-class judoka?"
Luna /extends claws. "Now then. Let us get some things perfectly clear about our relationship."
Luna: "I AM YOUR CAT. I FUCKIN' OWN YOU."
Luna: "When I say your job is to fight demons, I expect you to hop to it! And if you don't, it's the CLAW for you!"
Luna: "IS. THAT. UNDERSTOOD?"
Usagi: "Eep! YES, MISTRESS!"
Luna /purrs. "Good. Now let's go save your teacher from herself."
This needs to be printed and framed.

Shingo: "Sailor V! Give me your autograph!"
Usagi /hides face. "I'm not Sailor V, I'm Sailor Moon!"
Shingo: "Whoever! Please?"
Usagi: "Okay, Shingo, but only on the condition that you be nice to Luna."
Shingo: "…How'd you know my name?"
Usagi: "…"
Usagi: "I know everything."
Shingo: "AWESOME."
Usagi: "Note to self: get a mask."
Pretty much the only time it was even suggested someone could see through the "disguise", I believe.
 
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