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[In Which I Watch] Sailor Moon

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Cartoon Poet
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Bwahahahah! :D
I sat there for, I dunno, five, ten minutes trying to figure out whether it was funnier to have Luna give McClane's line, and Usagi give Tonto's, or the other way around.

I'm still not sure.


Yeah, I think I should have reversed it. Usagi "Now I have a tiara, ho-ho-ho," and Luna as Tonto, because everyone knows Tonto was the brains of the outfit.


Just slumming
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I sat there for, I dunno, five, ten minutes trying to figure out whether it was funnier to have Luna give McClane's line, and Usagi give Tonto's, or the other way around.

I'm still not sure.


Yeah, I think I should have reversed it. Usagi "Now I have a tiara, ho-ho-ho," and Luna as Tonto, because everyone knows Tonto was the brains of the outfit.
Me, I'm trying to imagine English dub Luna delivering that line :D


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Re: EPISODE #6: Protect the Melody of Love! Usagi is a Cupid.

Queen Beryl /muses to self. "Hmm. That's the third redhead that boy's used/abused in a row."
Queen Beryl /has red hair. "I wonder what subconscious motivation could possibly be involved?"
Who else has red hair? Naru's mother.

Now I'm imagining a story where Beryl has to live the double life of her cover as a Jewelry shop owner and being Queen of the Dark Kingdom :)


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Yeah, I think I should have reversed it. Usagi "Now I have a tiara, ho-ho-ho," and Luna as Tonto, because everyone knows Tonto was the brains of the outfit.
The magic of 'edit post' means you can, in fact, revise your work :)

This is really brilliant, BTW.


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Who else has red hair? Naru's mother.

Now I'm imagining a story where Beryl has to live the double life of her cover as a Jewelry shop owner and being Queen of the Dark Kingdom :)
<i>…which explains why she's never home!</i>

Genius! Consider it stolen! :D

The magic of 'edit post' means you can, in fact, revise your work :)
Unless you get back to the post a day late. :) I shall have to let it stand as a warning to others to triple-check their work.


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EPISODE #7: Usagi Learns a Lesson! The Road to Stardom is Tough.

"My name is Usagi Tsukino, and if turns out to be a Very Special Episode of Sailor Moon, I'm gonna be pissed."

Usagi /is late again. "Shit, late again! Hey, a poster advertising energy drinks, with a celebrity spokesperson! Maybe energy drinks would help me. I mean, if a famous person is sponsoring it, it must be good. Wait, seems I've heard that recently—"

Naru /is also late. "LATE!"

Naru trips over Usagi.

• SUBSEQUENTLY: At school.
Naru: "You only made it to school on time because I smacked you upside the head!"
Usagi: "You want I should return the favor?"
Umino /materializes. "Look! Mikan poster which I bought on eBay! I had to buy a lot of twenty, so if anyone else wants to buy one…"
Usagi: "Please inform the audience who 'Mikan' is and why we should care."
Umino: "Mikan is a 17-year-old child actress who was talent scouted right out of our very own school. She has done 8 commercials to date and makes ¥2,000,000 a year!"
Usagi: "Isn't that about $20,000 U.S.? Not a lot, but way better than my allowance."
Umino: "I'm updating the Wikipedia entry to include this new poster as we speak!"
Naru: "Except, of course, this is 1992, so it's <i>actually</i> all BBSes and USENET and stuff. We're translating for modern audiences."
Umino: "Observe my state-of-the-art boxy beige portable computer with lightning-fast 14.4K modem! Anyone want to see me demonstrate a proper SCSI chain?"
Usagi /Subject Changing Prana: "Wait, so she's only famous for doing commecials, but she's only in commercials because she's famous… for doing commercials. Is this a Japan thing?"
Naru: "I think it's just a wonder of the age of mass marketing."
Usagi: "No wonder we're easy demon fodder."
Schoolgirl #1: "Darn it, why didn't the talent scouts choose meeeeee? I could do commercials just as good as her."
Umino: "'Just as good as <i>she</i>.' And since they didn't select you, I guess they knew you couldn't!"
Schoolgirl #1 /urge to kill rising.
Umino: "Usagi's the only person here with any talent!"
Schoolgirl #1 /urge to kill rising.
Usagi: "Stop helping me!"

Mikan is giving autographs. Jadeite, disguised as a pretty boy Aryan <i>Miami Vice</i> cosplayer, observes this, and conceives a cunning plan.

Naru: "Mikan was all the girls like us ever wanted to be."
Usagi: "Naru brought this crazy enthusiasm to the project, it was infectious. We were going to sing together in the talent show, and we were going to be stars."

Fired with enthusiasm for this new musical group, the two young women began their first rehearsals at Usagi's parents' home in Townsville. But little did they know that their act would be doomed almost from the start.

MUSIC: The demo tape. Naru and Usagi singing, badly: "I have a big gun, I took it from the Lord. Sick with justice, I just wanna feel you—"

Shingo: "I remember I kicked open the door once because I thought they were killing the cat."
Usagi: [laughing] "I was so angry that time."
Anonymous cat, face blurred out: "The singing was bad enough, but it was the choreography that killed them."

Faced with insurmountable creative differences, band leader Naru broke up the team that very night.

Naru: "Usagi declared that from then on we would be rivals and enemies."
Usagi: "It was a crazy time. I can't make up for what I've done, I can only apologize."

And so the two women found themselves bound upon different paths to very different careers. For more on Usagi Tsukino's early solo career, and her secret loves, stay tuned for more of VH1's Behind the Music.

• FAMILY TIME! i.e. Watching TV
<i>Funniest Home Videos</i> shows a couple of lame animal acts.
Dad /joking: "Hey, maybe Luna could do that!"
Luna /cat ignore.
Usagi: "Brilliant!"
Usagi /grabs Luna. "Let's start practicing right away!"
Luna /cat SQUAWK!
Dad: "…Is Usagi on medication or something?"
Mom: "She always acts like that."
Shingo: "She usually acts <i>worse</i>."

(They really do get the cat body language right on this show.)

• MEANWHILE: Naru's House.
A bizarre scene ensures in which Naru secretly invites Umino over to her place and convinces him to dress in drag and play Usagi's part in the act, by implying that this will improve his romantic chances because Usagi is into this sort of thing. I really can't make this any stranger than it already is.

• CUT TO: Mikan's Fancy High-Class Apartment
Shower scene!
But suddenly: An Azerothian troll draws the shower curtain and spits resin webbing all over her, trapping her in the tub and inventing a new fetish. It then assumes her smiling form and smiles evilly.
Jadeite /thinks: "Is this what I'm reduced to now?"

• THE NEXT DAY: A portable stage sets up near the school.
Jadeite, wearing a bow tie, the perfect disguise: "LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! Step right up!"
Crowd: "Is that Famous Person Mikan up there?"
Evil Twin Mikan: "Ja, it be Mikan, my friends, and I and I, today we be recruiting new stars! Everyone can be Cinderella, starting today!"
Jadeite /switches on mind-control microwaver.
Crowd: (in unison) "Must become a star. Must become a star."

Schoolgirl #1: "Have you heard?"
Usagi: "No, I haven't."
Naru: "You're so <i>behind the times</i>, Usagi."
Usagi: "…I… I've got a lot of things going on, okay?"
Naru: "Mikan's recruiting future stars RIGHT NOW! We've got to—"
Umino /sashays in, humming songs from <i>Rocky Horror Picture Show.</i>
Everyone else /wtf
Naru /blushes. "Er… Umino, you don't have to do that <i>off</i> stage."
Umino: "Practice makes perfect, darling!"
Usagi /shakes head. "You and your hobbies."

Cops show up to disperse this unscheduled demonstration, Mikan's manager shows up to find out why she's moonlighting, Hare Krishnas try to ignore it and concentrate on their thing, but all of them get sucked into the "fun."

• SO OF COURSE: During a nicely-painted sunset.
Usagi: "Let's go join the fun!"
Luna: "…I quit."
Usagi: "WHAT?! But whyyyyyy?"
Luna: "Look, I was only playing switch because I thought you needed a break."
Usagi: "I have needs, too!"
Luna: "You've got responsibilities to meet and— oh, don't <i>whimper</i>, you'll— oh, damn it."
Usagi /cries and runs away.

Usagi trips over Mamoru, who actually seems glad to see her.
Mamoru: "Hello, Dumpling Head!"
Usagi: "Fuck off!"
Mamoru: You're not seriously trying to join Ackbar's Travelling Medicine Show, are you? The only thing you'd be good for is physical comedy."
Usagi: "Of course not! I was just… uh… scouting for danger! For a friend!"
Mamoru /seems impressed.
Usagi /leaves before he tries to pick her up.

Evil Twin Mikan: "Gosh, I don' believe it— EVER'BODY WON!"
Crowd /W00t!
Jadeite: "Come to the Townsville Auditorium this Sunday, and you'll all be in the BIG SHOW!"
Crowd /W00t!
Evil Twin Mikan: "Evil laughter?"
Jadeite: "I'm just not into it today. This plan… man. I can do better."

• THE NEXT DAY: At school.
Everyone except Usagi has become an obsessive prima donna.
Usagi: "Did I get hit on the head again, or am I the only one here interested in the classwork?"
Everyone else: "Yes! Get out of our way, peon! We're rehearsing!"
Usagi: "There's another monster at work!"
Luna: "Obviously."
Usagi: "Why, if I'd gone to that talent show, I'd be like them now!"
Luna: "See, you should thank me!"
Usagi: "I'd really rather not."
Everyone else /comes to blows, because if they're <i>all</i> stars, there's no one to lord it over.
Usagi /discreetly exits before they notice her.

• SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! At the Townsville Auditorium.
Usagi: "No ticket agent, no customers… and a hand-painted poster? What, no neon light show? Must be scraping the bottom of the barrel."

Evil Twin Mikan uses her Evil Disco Ball to conjure up a tour group from Hell to serve as an audience.
Evil Tourist #1: "Oh, gosh, gee golly, this is so exciting, donchaknow!"
Evil Tourists /applaud madly.

Everyone else comes out and performs their talent show acts simultaneously, in a spectacular demonstration of the principle that if everyone is a star, no one is. Jadeite laughs all the way to the bank.

Evil Tourists /applaud madly.

Usagi /does not see or hear the false audience, because they aren't really there.
Usagi: "This is just <i>sad</i>!"
Tom Servo: "It's sadder than sad! I've seen Gamera movies with more dignity than this."
<< Usagi fails her stress check, chooses Flight. >>

Evil Tourists /applaud madly.

• CUT TO: The ladies' room.
Luna: "You've handled worse than an ugly blue chick!"
Usagi: "…I'm scared of Jamaican accents."
Luna: "…"
Usagi: "I'm serious!"
Luna: "No accent, no matter how atrocious, can stand up to a Moon Tiara Blast."
Usagi: "Sigh. Okay."

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 7
Usagi into Disguise Form: 2

• ON STAGE: They're all dying.
Evil Twin Mikan: "MUAHAHAHAHA! I and I be vera pleased. Die some more, children!"
Suddenly! The curtains are drawn!
Usagi /makes a dramatic entrance, illuminated by spotlights.
Usagi: "(Thank you, Luna.) I am the second night performance in the first run of Crime, the Scottish Play for the actors of Injustice: I AM SAILOR MOON."
<< Evil Twin Mikan transforms into Troll! >>
Troll: "You gon' die now, mon!"
Usagi: "Oh, shit!" /hides in the gallery.
Luna /illuminates Usagi with a spotlight.
Troll: "Ah-ha!"
<< Troll uses web attack on Sailor Moon! Sailor Moon is webbed! >>
<< …webbed very slowly and lasciviously! >>
Usagi: "Why?"

Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.
Luna /illuminates him with a spotlight, for good measure.
<< Tuxedo Mask casts Status Break on Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon is freed! >>
Tuxedo Mask: "Never give up!"
Usagi: "BLISS."
Exit Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, with swirl of cape.
Troll: "Hey! I am fighting here!" /pursues.
<< Sailor Moon blasts Troll in the back! >>
<< Troll is slain! >>
<< Evil Disco Ball is destroyed! >>
Usagi: "No one ever said I had to be honorable!"
Usagi /spits on the remaining glass shards of the Troll and her Evil Disco Ball. "Try to make a new fetish out of <i>me</i>, will you?" /stomp stomp crunch.

• AND SO: Everyone on stage wakes up.
Schoolgirl #1: "Wha happen—?!"
Schoolgirl #2: "When did you start speaking in Kansai-ben?"
Schoolgirl #1: "I… don't remember?"
Schoolgirl #2: "That whole bit really didn't come across in the subtitles, did it?"
Schoolgirl #1: "I guess Shadowjack will just have to do a different dialect joke."

Luna: "Have you learned your lesson?"
Usagi: "Yes! Jadeite and his minions are obviously liberal Democrats who want everyone to be the same because of Socialism!"
Luna: "No! Wrong! Stupid! Do I need to refresh your memory?"
Usagi: "No!"
Luna: "Ahem."
Usagi: "No, <i>Mistress!</i>"
Luna: "Louder!"


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EPISODE #8: Is the Genius Girl a Monster? Brainwashing School of Terror.

"Awesome title! Please tell me we finally get some more characters! Oh, well, I guess everything will turn out okay!"

• LENG: Jadeite is doing what he does best — bullshitting.
Jadeite: "…And so, Your Terrible Majesty, human parents are obsessed with getting their kids into the best possible schools. You have to get into the best kindergarten, so you can get into the best elementary school, so you can get into the best junior high, then high school, then college. And so, if we—"
Queen Beryl: "What happens after college?"
Jadeite: "…I am not quite certain."
Queen Beryl: "Mmm-<i>hmm</i>."
Jadeite: "…Ah-heh, anyway, the plan is proceeding forward as, er, planned."
Queen Beryl: "Very well!"
Jadeite /exits, sweating.

Mom /LOL.
Mom /is serious. "This is no time for laughing. Your exam results—"
Usagi /Subject Changing Prana. "Don't arrive until tomorrow! So I'll just be moving along now…"
Mom /Perfect Riposte of Mother's Guilt. "Usagi, I won't ask for the impossible, but <i>please don't fail me.</i>."
Usagi /cries.

• AND SO: Usagi is actually doing homework.
Luna: "A pity that Charm only works on one's <i>own</i> children."
Usagi: "It must be nice to be a cat, and lie around all day sleeping."
Luna: "I WORK VERY HARD the six hours a day that I'm awake. I've got to find the Moon Princess, I've got to maintain the spells that conceal you from the enemy, I've got to— is that a comic book?"
Usagi: "Media studies. Say, who IS the enemy, any way? You never quite explained that, and it's been weeks now."
Luna: "They are Things of the Purest Evil that are Not Of This World."
Usagi: "…Oh."
Luna: "To tell you the truth, I'm not too sure myself."
Usagi: "Wait a minute, you mean all this time, you've been <i>pretending</i> you knew what you were doing?! I thought you were, like, a grown-up cat!"
Luna: "I <i>am</i>. Here's the dirty little secret of adulthood, kid: None of us really knows what the hell we're doing. We're all making it up as we go."
Usagi: "My view of the world is shattered! …And yet I still have to do this stupid homework."
Luna /comforting pat on shoulder.

• MIDNIGHT: The Video Arcade.
Security bars and locked doors cannot hinder a Sidereal Cat. Luna takes position before the Sailor V console, and it flickers to ethereal life.
SVA: "Greetings, Starfighter!"
Luna: "Greetings, Friend Computer. Still no luck on finding the Moon Princess. Sailor Moon proves less reliable than hoped—"
SVA: "Stop that treasonous grumbling!"
Luna: "Yessir! I'm now investigating the weird energy signature of the blue-haired girl from the OP."
SVA: "Carry on, Agent 0091, and maintain regular reports. End of Line."

• THE NEXT DAY: The Exam Results have been posted.
Usagi: "First place is Ami Mizuno!"
Naru: "She's best in the class!"
Chubby Girl: "She's best in the country!"
Umino /materializes from behind Naru's, er… where <i>was</i> he hiding, anyway?
Umino: "Ami Mizuno has an estimated IQ of 300! And that's her over there!"
Usagi: "The pale girl with the blue hair, the sad eyes, and the bandages? Uh-oh."
Naru beats Umino, and we start to wonder if they're an item yet.
Gossip Mill: "Mizuno's parents are rich doctors, so she studies at the new and expensive Ackbar's Academy, but she's a genius, so she has a scholarship, and she has a <i>bad attitude</i> and <i>thinks she's better than everyone!</i>"
Usagi: "Harsh words, especially when she's <i>right there listening to you.</i>"

Usagi: "If I was smart like that, Mom wouldn't WHIP ME AND BEAT ME like she does ALL THE TIME. Oh, hey, there's Mizuno."
<< Luna uses Cat from Above Attack on Ami Mizuno! >>
<< Ami uses Cat Shiatsu! >>
Luna /!
Luna /purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Usagi: "Sorry, is my cat bothering you? I think she thinks you were a monster. :)"
Ami: "Since she came from the sky, I thought she was an angel. :) No problem at all! I wish I could have a cat but no one will let me."

Usagi and Ami fall into conversation, ignoring Luna's dire mutterings. Usagi is #1) Genuinely impressed by Ami's sincerity and wit, and #2) Selfishly planning to maneuver Ami into helping her study.

Usagi: "Wanna play video games?"
Ami: "I don't know, are they fun?"

Usagi /dies again. "FRELL! OBVIOUSLY the razzin-frazzin joystick is damaged. You wanna try? It's really hard—"
Ami /starts playing.
Ami /is smiling.
Ami /breaks 1,000.
Ami /breaks 10,000.
Ami /isn't smiling so much. This is too easy.
Usagi: "Luna! I see you there behind the cabinet. Are you fooling around?"
Luna: "No, just checking!"
Ami /achieves rollover.
Ami /breaks 10,000 again.
Ami /gets the highest score!
Usagi /suddenly notices that every guy in the arcade is watching Ami with envy.

Ami /utterly feminine. "Oh no! I'm late for cram school!"
Usagi: "I'm sorry, I didn't know today was your study day."
Ami: "Oh, I go every day."
Usagi: "Are your parents SLAVE DRIVERS?!"
Ami: "I don't have any talents other than studying."
Usagi: "What do you mean? You just totally— I mean— you—"
Ami: "I have to go! Shall I see you later?"
Usagi: "Sure, yeah, love to… Wow. Different worlds."
Motoki: "Miss Usagi! I have to give you something!"
Usagi /blushes. "Wow, in public, with everyone watching?"
Motoki: "Your friend dropped her computer disk!"
Usagi: "…"
Usagi: "I know, I know. 'Follow that plot hook.'"

• CUT TO: Ackbar's Academy and Degree Mill.
Evil Instructor with librarian glasses and red highlights: "Keep studying and provide us with your brain energy!"
Ami: "I must confess I find the metaphors she uses to be subtly disturbing."
Ami: "?! I've lost my study disk."
Ami /looks left.
Ami /look right.
Ami: (whispers) "…frell!"
Ami /giggles. "It always gave me a headache anyway!"

Luna: "No one who plays video games like that could be entirely human!"
Usagi trips over Mamoru!
Usagi: "Why do you always show up at the weirdest times?!"
Mamoru: "That's not <i>my</i> problem. Wasn't that cat just talking?"
Luna: "Of course not!"
Usagi: "Look! A decoy!"
Luna and Usagi /break the sound barrier retreating.

• LET'S GO FIRST to the school computer lab:
Luna: "Let's check that disk out!"
Usagi: "I'll warn you, I don't know any about computers—"
Luna /typing at 90wpm. "Okay, bypass the autoload program, let's see if we can get straight to the source… oh, good, they didn't recompile it, that was sloppy…"
Usagi: "…This is my life. My cat knows more than I do about everything."
Luna: "Listen to this!" >RUN.
Luna: "SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES! She IS a monster!"
Usagi /disguise pen. "Make me a doctor who works at the university hospital!"

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 7
Usagi into Disguise Form: 3

• USAGI NOW APPEARS TO BE in her mid-20s, with short hair, a bland beige outfit, and a white labcoat over it.
Luna: "…You look more like a young intern, but never mind that now!"
Dr. Tsukino /bursts in dramatically. "Everyone, this is a medical emergency! Step away from the computers, stat!"
Ami: "Hey, we're studying, here!"
Everyone else: "…BRAIIIINNNSSS."
Usagi: "Again with the zombified victims?"

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 8
Usagi into Disguise Form: 3

Ami: "Holy crap! It's Sailor Moon!"
Usagi: "That's right! And you're going <i>down!</i>"
Evil Teacher: "That's correct! She is!"
<< Evil Teacher transforms into Demon! >>
<< Demon grapples Ami Mizuno! >>
Usagi: "LUNA! You named the wrong frikkin' target!"
Luna: "Eh-heh, whoops?"
Usagi: "Let's cut this short: I AM SAILOR MOON!"
<< Demon uses Question Attack! >>
Demon: "Question Number One: 'Why do apples fall from trees?'"
Usagi: "What? Ask the apples, not me!"
<< Demon throws ninja report cards. >>
<< Usagi dodges! >>
Usagi: "Because a hurricane came!"
<< Demon throws ninja report cards. >>
<< Usagi dodges! >>
Luna: "Because GRAVITY!"
Usagi: "Newton! Gravity! Physics!"
<< Question solved! You win 100 gold. >>
<< Demon uses Question Attack! >>
Demon: "Question Number Two. 'What is the average air velocity—'"
Usagi: "Oh, FUCK YOU!"

Demon: "Why aren't you zombified? You weren't using your disk!"
Demon /shoves Ami's face into the computer screen repeatedly. "BAD! BAD! BAD!"
Ami /squirms. "I don't like the program! A person should learn how to study without computer aids!"

Suddenly Ami Exalts, because it's the first time she's ever stood up to anybody! Her caste mark glows brilliantly.

Demon /shapeshifts her arm into an AXE! "Okay, I'll just take your brain directly!"
Ami /:eek:
Luna /throws Ami her transforming pen.
Ami /:confused:
Ami /:mad:

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 8
Usagi into Disguise Form: 3
Ami into Sailor Mercury: 1

Luna: "Use Bubble Spray!"

The room is filled with freezing mist, ruining every computer in the place and knocking out the zombies.

Demon /shivering. "How can they stand this cold in those short skirts?"

Ami plays "Hall of Mirrors" with the Demon, using her reflection in the computer monitors.

<< Demon attacks Sailor Mercury! >>
Demon: "Gotcha!"
Ami /badass. "<i>Missed.</i> Sailor Moon! NOW."
Usagi: "BOOM!"

<< Demon is slain! >>
<< Usagi has levelled up! >>
<< Ami has levelled up! Ami has mastered Bubble Spray! >>

Luna: "Well done! And I apologize for trying to assassinate you."
Ami: "I'm sorry, there's probably something I'm supposed to say in this sort of situation, but I really don't know what it is."
Usagi: "Why don't you try smiling? OH GOD NO not that scene."
Ami /:eek:
Ami /:)
Usagi: "…Well, it IS a well-earned smile. (And now she'll <i>have</i> to help me study!)"
Ami /offers a hearty handshake. "I just hope I'm able to keep up with you experts. I look forward to our future collaboration!"
Usagi: "Er, likewise! (Damn it, she's just too earnest!)"
Luna: "I need a beer."

Ultimate Chicken

Social Justice Chicken
Validated User
Re: EPISODE #8: Is the Genius Girl a Monster? Brainwashing School of Terror.

Sailor Mercury - idiot savant at computer games long before Nagato Yuki. >_>
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