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[In Which I Watch] Sailor Moon

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Shadowjack

Cartoon Poet
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Episode #30: Grampa Goes Crazy, Rei's in Jeopardy.

• RECAP:
"As you know, I've been recapping episodes of Sailor Moon. But it's not easy you know. I have to render an entire episode in a faithful textual satire, but to do that, I have to find time and electrical power to watch it! Oh, maaaaan. But I've acquired a loyal audience and a good battery, so it'll work out somehow."



• NIGHT AT THE SHRINE:
There's some stoner sleeping on the steps, and Gramps is watching the moon.
Suddenly! Zoisite appears.
<< Zoisite casts Evoke Crystal! >>
<< Gramps starts to transform… >>
Gramps /?!
Zoisite: "What, you expected an introduction?"
Zoisite /notes that the transformation seems to be taking an inordinantly long time.
Zoisite /taps foot. "Well, hurry up, I want to get this over before someone interrupts."
<< Gramps resists the transformation! Gramps casts Counterspell! >>
The roof explodes around him! Car alarms go off, etc. The shrine alert system is triggered, Phobos and Deimos instantly counterattack, Rei runs to defense stations, alarums, excursions!
Zoisite: "…Not bad. We'll try again later."
{Zoisite has left the scene.}

Gramps: "Who was that beautiful man?"
Rei /didn't see what happened. "What?"
Stoner /waking up. "Duuuuuuuude, what's with all the noise, man?"
Stoner /sees Rei and is instantly smitten.
Stoner: "ZOMG REI!"
Rei /smack! "¡Wrong show!"
Stoner /bows to Gramps. "I am Yuichiro Kumada! Please make me your apprentice so I can bone your shrine maiden!"
Gramps: "A man after my own heart! I accept."
Rei /¡¿?!



•*MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE PLATEAU:
Zoisite: "Well, the crystal's been activated, so it's just a matter of time."



• THE NEXT DAY: After school, at the Shrine, a new camera angle! Nicely done.
Ami: "Let's get this straight — last night, your roof explodes, your birds fought a flying man with a ponytail and a strange uniform who disappeared into thin air, and now your grandfather is acting strangely and you have no idea why."
Rei: "Not a clue."
Luna: "If only there had been some sort of similar events in the recent past from which we could draw a pattern."
Mako: "If only."
Usagi: "Wait, this is the guy who hawks romantic talismans by the truckload and hits on anything that moves, right? So when you say, 'acting strangely…'"
Rei: "Lemme show you."



• WITHIN THE TEMPLE GROUNDS:
Gramps is busily training Stoner. It bears a remarkable resemblance to Calvinball.

Gramps /lecturing while backflipping through a flaming ring. "A Shinto priest feels the Force flowing through him. You just entered the Rope Swing Zone, boy, let's hear your Tarzan impression, and I better hear glass breaking."
Stoner: "I can't move because my cape is caught on a tree!"
Gramps: "Amateur! Back in my day, we'd catch trees with our capes! You have to be hard to do Shinto, boy! Hard as nails!"
Usagi: "If I get a cape and mask, can I play too?"
Gramps: "Sure!"
Rei: "Don't encourage him."
Gramps /suddenly sobs. "Rei, I'm an old man, and there's no one but you to take over the shrine when I'm gone!"
Stoner: "ZOMG REI!"
Usagi: "Hey!" /gloms onto Rei's arm defensively.
Rei: "I have no idea why he keeps doing that. (Leggo my arm.) "
Ami: "What happened to your second sight?"
Rei: "…It's, ah… you know. (I said leggo!)"
Usagi: "Oh, so you become tremendously imperceptive during your period?"
Rei /dismembers Usagi, puts her back together, resurrects her, kicks her in the bippy.
Usagi /cries.
Mako: "Oh, don't cry over a little thing like that."
Ami: "Hey! If you guys are going to be fighting like that, I'll just go to cram school!"
{Ami has left the scene.}
Usagi: "But wouldn't you have anyway…?"
Mako: "I am vaguely irritated as well, and I've got kung fu practice. Later."
{Mako has left the scene.}
Usagi: "Uh, guys? Are you sure that leaving me unsupervised is a good idea?"
Usagi: "Heh-heh." :)
Luna: "Help!"



• A WORD IN PRIVATE:
Stoner: "The weather changes easily in autumn."
Rei: "You're a few syllables short of a haiku."
Stoner: "He's old and the weather is weird. I'm sure Master will be fine if you give him a little time."
Rei: "Huh. You can actually talk sense."
Usagi /is spying. "Okay, how can I break this up?"
Luna: "You're not going to play Cupid? The script says that you try to get them together–"
Usagi: "To hell with the script. She's mine."
Usagi /brandishes the Disguise Pen.
Luna: "In the immortal words of the inimitable Will Smith: AW HELL NO!"
Usagi: "Great Justice can suck it! MAKE ME A FORTUNE-TELLER OF LOVE!"



• STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:
Usagi into Sailor Moon: 28
Usagi into Disguise Form: 8
Ami into Sailor Mercury: 9
Rei into Sailor Mars: 6
Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1
Makoto into Sailor Jupiter: 2



• TADA! Perky blonde fortuneteller, with maroon robes, a funky hat, dark spectacles, and a portable set of divination sticks. And a mustache.

Luna: "Wait, so, is that a false mustache, or did–?"
Fortune-Teller Usagi: "Stop thinking! Right now!"
Fortune-Teller Usagi /strides up to Stoner and Rei.
Fortune-Teller Usagi /does fortune-telling mojo! "Abracadabra!"
Rei: "I'm not familiar with that technique."
Fortune-Teller Usagi: "Mystic Secrets of the Orient! Behold your fortune: If the two of you make out right now, your love will come true."
Stoner /!
Rei: "Okay, this is ridiculous. ¿Stoner?" /jerks her thumb over her shoulder. "Screw."
Stoner /the harried young man jumps up and runs away.
Rei: "Usagi–"
Fortune-Teller Usagi: "HOW'D YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?! Your second sight is malfunctioning!"
Rei: "But I have two eyes and I'm not stupid."
Fortune-Teller Usagi: "Oh, yeah."
Rei: "¡¿How dare you try to set me up with a schmuck like that when I've already got a boyfriend?! ¡You're an irritating busybody y tu madre lleva botas! ¡I'm never talking to you again!"
{Rei has left the scene.}
Usagi: "Success!"
Usagi: "Wait a minute… 'never'?"
Luna: "Great Justice is not to be trifled with."



• TSUKINO RESIDENCE:
Usagi /crying.
Luna: "Sigh. Look, Rei's got a temper, you know that. By this time tomorrow, she'll have forgotten the whole thing."
Usagi /crying.
Luna likes daifuku. (That is, those nummy little bean curd rice cakes.)
I mean, Luna really likes daifuku.
Usagi /perks up. "Daifuku?"
Luna: "Mmmfmfm."
Usagi: "How did there come to be a plate of yummy daifuku in my room that I did not know about?"
Luna: "Divine Providence."
Usagi: "Mmm."
Luna: "Mmmhmm."
Usagi: "Mmhmmfmmmf!"
Luna: "Swallow, dear."
Usagi: "I know! I'll take some to Rei–"
Luna: "No."
Usagi: "–she'll be distracted by their deliciousness–"
Luna: "No."
Usagi: "–and she'll forget all about–"
Luna: "No."
Usagi: "–tralalalalalalala!" /picks up the plate of daifuku and runs off.
Luna: "Nooooooooo! Curse your opposable thumbs! Curse them!"



• NIGHT AT THE SHRINE:
Stoner is training! Swinging on ropes like Tarzan!
Stoner: "Yui, Yui, Yuichiro Kumada, strong as I can be! Yui, Yui, Yuichiro Kumada–"
Phobos and Deimos: "Watch out for that tree!" :D
CRASH!
Stoner /undaunted. "Yoiks! And awaaaaayyyy…"



• ZOMG REI FANSERVICE: i.e. Bath time.
Rei: "Okay, what do you guys think? Is Papi going senile, taking that dork on?"
Phobos: "Maybe Gramps just likes the boy. If ya know what I mean and I think you do."
Deimos: "Nah. I know how this works: the kid's the monster in disguise, see? Mind-control magic."
Rei: "…"
SUDDENLY A MASSIVE EXPLOSION ROCKS THE SHRINE!
Rei /leaps out of the bath! "Quick! To action!"
Phobos: "Aren't you forgetting something?"
Rei /dashes out of the room. "Can't imagine what!"
Deimos: "Eh, humans look better without that stuff anyway."



• OUT IN THE GROUNDS:
Zoisite and Gramps are locked in battle!
Gramps: "KAMEHAMEHA!"
Zoisite: "Flower petals."
<< Gramps is paralyzed! >>



• IAMBENT CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE!
Gramps is resisting mightily!
But Zoisite has the Blue Crystal in ha–



• SUDDENLY!
Enter Tuxedo Mask, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing roses.
The crystal tinkles musically as it hits the ground.
Tuxedo Mask: "If you don't mind–"
Zoisite: "Frell! Jijii!"
Tuxedo Mask: "Jijii?"
Zoisite: "Am I a fool without a mind, or have I merely been too blind to realize? Jijii! Why don't you grow to fight before my very eyes!"



• TADA! Gramps (finally!) transforms into Gigii, a giggling ape-like red oni with googly eyes.

Zoisite /smashes the rose, grabs the crystal, and bolts.
Tuxedo Mask: "Oi!" /gives chase.
Jijii /has short stubby legs, and can't pursue. He looks around for another victim.
Stoner: "Is this another test?"
Jijii: "GRRRR!"



• UNFORTUNATELY! Tuxedo Mask loses Zoisite in the trees.
Zoisite: "Hohohoho!"
Tuxedo Mask: "Frell!"



• BACK IN THE SHRINE:
Stoner: "Bakemono!"
Rei: "¿What?"
Stoner: "ZOMG REI!"
Rei: "¡Dude!"
Jijii: "GRRRR!"
Rei: "¡Bakemono!"
Jijii: "ZOMG REI!"
Stoner: "Dude!"
Jijii: "BAKEMONO!"
Rei: "¡GRRRR!"
Stoner: "What?"



• BATTLE IS JOINED!
<< Jijii uses Vortex Blast! >>
<< Rei takes 266 damage! >>
<< Stoner takes 312 damage! >>
Stoner /drops to one knee, critical.

Stoner: "Rei, get behind me, I don't want you to be hurt!"
< REI : ITEM > FULL TONIC : REI >
<< Rei heals 500 points! >>
Rei: "You're cute. Really."
< REI : TECH > PEEK : JIJII >
<< Jijii is Gramps! 10,000 hit points! Vulnerable to Eros attacks! >>
Rei: "Oh, Papi."

<< Jijii uses Vortex Blast! >>
<< Rei takes 172 damage! >>
<< Stoner takes 240 damage! Stoner is down! >>
Rei is blasted through the wall and out into the grounds!

<< Jijii grapples Rei by the neck. >>
Rei: "¡Jijii! You're not at all the funny awkward little priest I knew. Oh no, ¡overnight there's been a breathless change in you!"
<< Jijii extends claws. >>
Rei /squirms. "¡Hey, look, it's your favorite grand-daughter! ¿How about you give me a head start for old time's sake?"
<< Jijii stabs! >>
<< Rei dodges, somehow! >>
Rei: "¡OH TUXEDO MAAAAAAASK!"



• SUDDENLY!
Enter Usagi, dramatically, armed with +1 blessed throwing daifuku!
Whop!
<< Jijii takes 52 damage! Jijii is confused! >>
Jijii /?
Usagi: "They're really good daifuku."
Luna: "Mmhmm!"



• STARKLY CORUSCANT TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE COUNTER:
Usagi into Sailor Moon: 29
Usagi into Disguise Form: 8
Ami into Sailor Mercury: 9
Rei into Sailor Mars: 6
Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1
Makoto into Sailor Jupiter: 2



• A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!
Rei: "Thanks for the save."
Usagi: "Forget something, dear?"
Rei: "Oh, yeah, I probably could have transformed, huh?" /checks pocket.
Rei /can't find pocket.
Rei /!
Rei: :eek: "…er… ¿Could I borrow your disguise pen?"
Usagi: "Just a moment. One Moon Tiara Blast, coming up!"
Rei: "¡Wait! ¡That's my granddad!"
Usagi: "Well, duh."
Rei: "You don't have second sight. ¿How could you tell?"
Usagi: "Well he's short, ugly, horny…"
Rei: "…"
<< Jijii isn't confused any more. >>
Jijii: "GRRRRR!"
Luna: "Run!"
Rei /running. "Well, I'd still appreciate it if you let him live."
Usagi /running. "Can't Refresh a moving target!"
Rei /running. "¡If only there was some way that we could immobilize him!"
Usagi /running. "If only!"
Luna /running. "Damn it, Rei, it's your own frikkin' shrine!"
Rei /running. "Oh, yeah."
< REI : SUMMON > SUSANO : JIJII >
<< WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! >>
<< Jijii is dazed and reeling. >>
< USAGI : TECH > REFRESH : JIJII >
MOON HEALING ESCALATION!
<< Jijii reverts to Gramps! >>
Usagi: "Sweet."
Rei: "Gracias."
Rei /hurries to perform first aid.
Usagi /hurries to find Rei's robe.



• OUTSIDE THE SHRINE:
Ami /is sad.
Makoto: "Fancy meeting you here."
Ami /is less sad. "I kind of felt I should help patch things up between those two."
Makoto: "Yeah, me too."
Ami: "Also, I had the inexplicable feeling that my bubbles were needed."
Makoto: "Huh. Well, let's head on inside and see what damage we can do."



• INSIDE THE SHRINE:
Luna: "Mmm."
Gramps: "Mm!"
Usagi: "Mmhmm."
Stoner: "Mmfm."
Rei: "MMMM."
Luna: "I told you. Divine daifuku."
Stoner: "…Uh, should we still be worried about the monster?"
Usagi, Luna, and Rei /innocently. "What monster?"
Stoner: "TALKING CAT!"
Luna: "Yes, thank you."
Phobos and Deimos: "Talking birds!"
Stoner: "TALKING BIRDS!"
Phobos and Deimos /cackle.
Gramps: "Dumbass."
Rei: "Oh, be nice. He did try to save my life."
Stoner: "ZOMG REI!"
Rei: "Oh, hush." /kisses him on the cheek, impulsively. "You're cuter when you keep your mouth shut."
Usagi /!
Gramps: "Well, if you're going to marry her, boy, you'll need lots harsher training to be able to keep up." /drags off Stoner.
Stoner /scraaaaaaaaape. "Help!"
Gramps: "It's for your own good."
Rei: "¡¿Who said anything about marriage?!"
Usagi: "Okay, gimme back the daifuku."
Rei: "Over my dead body."
Usagi: "You've been so spacey this episode, I might be able to take you."
Rei: "In your dreams."



• DENOUEMENT:
Makoto: "Well, let's head on inside and see what damage we can do."

Inside, there are smoking craters, half the buildings in rubble, Luna sitting serenely in the center eating daifuku, and Rei, Gramps, Usagi, and Stoner chasing each other around the center grounds shouting and brawling.

Ami: "…"
Ami /turns around. "I just remembered I have another study group."
Makoto /grabs her. "Oh, no, you don't. You're not leaving me to deal with this by myself."
Luna: "Mmmmmhmmmmhmffmfmf?"
Ami: "Daifuku?"
Makoto: "Daifuku."
Ami: "Where'd these come from?"
Makoto: "I dunno."
Ami: "Mmm!"
Makoto: "Mmm."
 

JohnBiles

Registered User
Validated User
Re: Episode #30: Grampa Goes Crazy, Rei's in Jeopardy.

Stoner /bows to Gramps. "I am Yuichiro Kumada! Please make me your apprentice so I can bone your shrine maiden!"
Gramps: "A man after my own heart! I accept."
Rei /¡¿?!
A quest he will still be on much, much later...

• THE NEXT DAY: After school, at the Shrine, a new camera angle! Nicely done.
Ami: "Let's get this straight — last night, your roof explodes, your birds fought a flying man with a ponytail and a strange uniform who disappeared into thin air, and now your grandfather is acting strangely and you have no idea why."
Rei: "Not a clue."
Luna: "If only there had been some sort of similar events in the recent past from which we could draw a pattern."
Mako: "If only."
Dude, you don't get XP by drawing conclusions, you get it by blundering into traps and killing everything that moves.


Ami /is sad.
in snow?
 

Jhiday

Unrepentant Froggie
RPGnet Member
Validated User
Re: Episode #30: Grampa Goes Crazy, Rei's in Jeopardy.

Yeah, it's back !

There's some stoner sleeping on the steps
Ah, Yuichiro. What a convenient plot device you'll become later on.

But not yet. Now, it's time to inject some comedy in a miniarc that had gotten a bit gloomy.

• TADA! Perky blonde fortuneteller, with maroon robes, a funky hat, dark spectacles, and a portable set of divination sticks. And a mustache.
Frankly, if Usagi is going to use the Disguise Pen for this, she'd better not bothering. It's not a surprise it will be quickly forgotten about.

Zoisite: "Flower petals."
I'm amused by Zoisite's little "Zoi" cry when he attacks. He's the only one to do that, and it does sound a bit silly.

(On the other hand, the "Elite Youma" started the detestable trend of Monsters of the Week not having any vocabulary beyond their own name. It'll thankfully be rare this season, but it becomes a lot more prevalent later on.)

< REI : TECH > PEEK : JIJII >
Oh, come on. What use is Mercury of if Mars can do this stuff casually ?


Anyway, I didn't remember this episode being so silly (I remember much more the next one, which will be completely taking the piss). It's especially jarring that the Rei/Mamoru subplot is completely forgotten about (despite being dutifully namechecked in the previous episode). Yuichiro is a fun new supporting character, but I'm not sure this episode really works.

Anyway, Rainbow Macguffin count : 4 for Zoisite, 1 for the Sailor Team, 1 for Tuxedo Mask. This doesn't look good, does it ?
 
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Blazing Bat

Registered User
Validated User
Re: Episode #30: Grampa Goes Crazy, Rei's in Jeopardy.

Anyway, I didn't remember this episode being so silly (I remember much more the next one, which will be completely taking the piss).
Oh yeah, we are already down six great youma. The next episode will be quite funny indeed. Can't wait to see what Shadowjack will make of it.
 

Jhiday

Unrepentant Froggie
RPGnet Member
Validated User
By the way, I forgot to ask to Shadowjack : in the "totally legal" set you recently acquired, are there any extras beyond the normal 200 episodes ?

I'm talking about :
- the three movies (R, S and SuperS), which actually have nothing to do with their respective seasons
- the SuperS special (three short stories, one of which is vaguely related to the SuperS plot... maybe)
- the "Ami's first love" special

(None of them are much good, but I just wanted to know if they were included...)
 

The Fireballed Mage

Registered User
Validated User
Jhiday said:
- the "Ami's first love" special

(None of them are much good, but I just wanted to know if they were included...)
I will pull myself over broken glass with my lips to fight you over this opinion, good sir.
 
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