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[In Which I Watch] Sailor Moon

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Spoiler: Show

For certain values of normal... it helps that her "strangeness" isn't that weird by Western standards. She's tall and athletic and a bit tomboyish. Oh no.
Yeah, I'm fairly sure that japanese 'a bit tomboyish' is still actually a bit over feminine by the standards of where I grew up. I mean she wears actual skirts/dresses, and not for a special occasion, or as a school uniform.

Evil Midnight Lurker

What Lurks at Midnight
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For what it's worth, in our Sailor Moon Expanded fic 'verse we decided that the Seven had been the top of the heap
Spoiler: Show
back at the time of the Silver Millennium
but that selective breeding and enhancement in the Dark Kingdom had since produced plain ordinary youma who were just about on par with them.


Cartoon Poet
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Episode #31: Loved and Chased! Luna's Worst Day Ever.

Has Tokyo Radio Tower finally awakened to begin its Terrible Rampage? No! It's hundreds of cats! Thousands of cats! Millions and billions and trillions of cats! All chasing Luna, thus confirming once and for all the question of whether or not she has been fixed.

Luna /running. "Oh no, it's the Time. No doubt about it! It's a red full moon!"
Luna /pauses to look at camera. "And if any of you caught that obscure reference, I know what you like to read. And aren't you ashamed?"

Cornered! Cornered by a million grinning toms.

Luna: "I do not have time for this! Curse you, cruel torturess Biology."

But suddenly! Enter a big, fat, green, ugly, sluggard cat, dramatically, armed with +3 blessed throwing fishheads.

The other cats retreat. All but one.

Luna: "Why the hell are you chewing on my tail?"
Riff-Raff: "Foreplay?"
Luna: "We're cats. Foreplay involves yowling, scruff-biting, and a general miasma of embarrassment."
Riff-Raff: "Let's get started!"

The big, fat, green, ugly, sluggard cat simply shoulders him out of the way.

Luna: "Oh, no. Hell, no."
Little Scarlett: "Oh, there you are, Rhett Butler!" /scoops up the big, fat, green, ugly, sluggard cat and carries him off.
Luna: "Rhett Butler? Rhett Butler? Rhett Butler? Hansel?"

Zoisite /is watching. "Okay, a little girl. This should go smoothly; I foresee no difficulties."
Zoisite: "…"
Zoisite: "What am I saying?" /puts on body armor.

• A PARK AND A POND: Let as marvel at the sight of Ami dressed in coordinated colors.
Luna: "…so you see, I was caught in a turf war among stray cats."
Ami: "I don't believe that for a second."
Luna /?
Ami: "I seem to recall that October is near the end of the feline mating season–"
Luna /cat ignore.
Ami: "Right, sorry."
Usagi: "Oh hai guys whats goin on in this park?"
Mako: "We're here, where's Rei?"
Ami: "She was caught in a turf war among stray cats."
Usagi: "I don't believe that for a second."

The phone is ring, but Mamoru isn't picking up.
Answering Machine: "¿Mamoru? ¡It's Rei! ¡I want tiramisu!"
Mamoru /ignoring it. "The next crystal MUST BE MINE!"
Mamoru: "Besides, I don't know how to do tiramisu, whatever it is."

Ami: "See, we finally have sufficient data to locate the next crystal–"
Mako: "–and last crystal–"
Ami: "–before it activates. If Luna would get off of my computer's keyboard."
Luna: "You should be thankful I'm gracing it with my presence."
Ami: "Okay, program running–"
Usagi: "I bet I can find the crystal first."
Ami: "What?"
Usagi: "Blindfold me. Come on, I'm serious. Okay, good. Now, spin me around. Whoa. Okay, stop me. Right. Now, just follow me."
Usagi totters and weaves down the street, blindfolded.
Usagi trips over a nice house in another neighborhood!
Luna: "Oh, no, up in the window. It's that big, fat, green, ugly, sluggard cat I dodged before. Excuse me, I'm going to go hide."
Usagi /removes blindfold. "Ring the bell. Come on, ring the bell."
Ami: "…"
Usagi: "You want me to do it?"
Ami /shrugs and rings the bell.
Scarlett comes to the door, carrying Rhett Butler. "I'm sorry, Mommy and Daddy aren't home right now, and I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."
{Usagi's wand is tinkling.}
Usagi: "See?" :D
{Program complete. Target located at: "A nice house in another neighborhood."}
Ami: "…"
Ami: "Damn it, Usagi, I finally have a chance to be useful, and you go and–"
Usagi: "Ah, but, but, but! You've had more dates with Rei than I have."
Ami: "I admit that does make up for a lot."

Luna suddenly realizes she's surrounded by tomcats.
Luna: "Oh, hell. Ulthar was never this bad."
{Rhett Butler's spider sense is tingling!}
Rhett Butler /squirms out of Scarlett's grasp and dashes to the rescue!
Scarlett /pursues! "Kitty come back!"
Usagi, Ami, and Makoto/ pursue! "Kiddy come back!"

Rhett Butler reveals that he is, in fact, a big, fact, green, ugly, sluggard sumotori cat, and with superior moves, performs a daring last minute SAVE! upon Luna.

And then promptly falls down a manhole.

Zoisite /mugs the little girl for her crystal.
Zoisite /?
Zoisite: "…She doesn't have the Crystal… Oh, for crying out loud, don't tell me it was the cat?"
Dick Dead-Eye: "Silent be, it was the cat!"
Captain Corcoran: "You're right, it was the cat!"
Suddenly! The Sailors burst in, dramatically silhouetted!
Usagi: "I AM THE TERROR, THAT TRIPS—!" /thwaps Ami in the face with her dramatic hand gesture.
Ami: "OW! Outta my way. BUBBLE–"
Makoto /knocks over Ami, also trying to fit into the alleyway. "One side! Coming through!"
Usagi: "Oof! Get off me!"
Zoisite: "You first!"
Makoto: "Someone just groped me!"
Usagi and Ami: "Wasn't me!"
Dick Dead-Eye: "Har-har!"
Zoisite: "There are too many people in this stupid alley! Can we take this somewhere else?"
Usagi: "What, you don't like dark, cramped, oof, spaces?"
Zoisite: "Was that supposed to be innuendo?"
Usagi: "I meant, like, hiding under rocks. Jeez, you try to think up dialogue when two Sailor Scouts are sitting on your back."
Zoisite: "Sorry, that sort of thing isn't up my alley. Hohohoho…" /turns and walks slowly away.
Usagi: "Well… you… uh… look like… um… damn!"
Makoto: "Wait, I'll stop him. SUPREME–"
Ami and Usagi /hair standing on end already. "NO!"
Ami: "I'm made of water! I'm made of water! Lightning and water together would be BAD!"
Usagi: "That's not what you told me the other day…"
Makoto /?
Ami: "That's enough! Everybody off! Off! Out!" /kick push shove.

Zoisite: "Here I am, the second-best and most beautiful of the Four, knee deep in shit looking for a fucking stray cat. All I can say is that bitch Beryl better be grateful."
Zoisite: "Here, kitty, kitty."
Zoisite: "Jadeite probably dated a redhead shit demon. He'd just call her up, hey, Shit-chan, help me out here? I need you to find a cat. Then he'd lose the cat."
Zoisite: "Hey, cat! Cat? Kitty, kitty."
Zoisite: "Nephrite would have pinpointed the cat astrologically. Tell me, O stars! 'Oh, no problem, Neph, intersection A-27.' He'd drive that stupid Ferrari of his straight to the proper manhole, dive in, grab the cat, climb out. He wouldn't even wrinkle his nose, probably. If he was still around, I could follow him and just grab the cat while he was still toweling off."
Zoisite: "Jonesy! Here, kitty! Hmmm, what's that noise?"
Linguafoeda acheronsis: "rrrrraaaaaaHHHHHHsssss"
<< Zoisite casts ZOI! >>
<< Acid splatters everywhere. >>
Zoisite /shakes it off and sighs.
Zoisite: "I'm gonna need a lot of rose petals in the bath water tonight, or Kunzie won't ever come near me again. Serves me right for being a 'hand's-on' type."
Zoisite: "Here, kitty…"

• SCARLETT'S HOUSE: The Sailors have hauled the girl back home.
Usagi: "I don't know nothin' 'bout tendin' no babies!"
Makoto /rolls up sleeves. "I do."
Usagi: "Darn, that Luna, she's so undependable. Where can she be, goofing off at a time like this!"
Ami: "I don't think that's very fair to make fun of her behind her back."
Usagi: "The unconscious demon girl is more fun than you."
Ami: "I wish Rei were here."
Makoto: "To distract Usagi?"
Usagi: "Oh, she's probably enjoying her date with with train-spotter."

• REI'S DATE: Actually, Rei's all alone.
Stoner: "ZOMG REI!"
Rei: "Or was."
Stoner: "…"
Rei: "…"
Stoner: "…"
Rei: "¿You wanted to ask me something? ¿Or did you just want to get blankly stared at?"
Stoner: "…Ya wanna go out?"
Rei: "…"
Stoner: "I understand if you don't."
Rei: "…"
Stoner: "Yeah, you've probably got some other guy. I don't want to cause trouble; I'll leave you alone."
Rei: "…Well, I don't mind a little trouble."
{Stoner has left the scene.}

Luna: "This is not a date. I just can't find a way out of these sewers, and I'm letting you limp along beside me."
Rhett Butler: "…"
Luna: "Thanks for the assist, by the way. I'll have my girl patch you up once we're out of here."
Rhett Butler: "…"
Luna: "It's permissable to talk, Mister Strong Silent Type, there are no humans around. Or are you crushing on me too hard to speak?"
Rhett Butler /BLUSH.
Luna: "Oh. Oh my."
CUE: a certain familiar Marty O'Donnell track.
Luna: "What's that noise?"
Rhett Butler: "Rats."
Luna: "Rats?"

Suddenly, rats!
And Zoisite, running like hell before them!
Zoisite: "RATS!"
Luna and Rhett Butler escape down a narrow side tunnel.
Zoisite, somehow, squirms into the same side tunnel.
The flood of killer rats pursues!

Zoisite: "Hold still, cat, and take your medicine!"
Rhett Butler /crawls a little faster.
Luna: "Waitaminute, you're after him? He's the next–?"
Zoisite: "Less talking, more crawling away from– AAAAAHHH!"
Zoisite is engulfed by the Flood!

Rei /watching the sunset. "I should have taken up what's-his-name on the offer. Oh, hey, there's Luna, running down in the canal. And a big, fat, green, ugly, sluggard cat I don't know running with her. Can't say I approve of Luna's taste in boyfriends, but who am I to judge?"

Suddenly, the Flood of Rats bursts from the outflow tunnel and pours down the canal after the two cats.

Rei /man what

• BACK AT THE HOUSE: Makoto and Ami standing vigil, Usagi playing video games.
Ami: "…"
Ami: "Usagi, how long has your Wand been not responding?"
Usagi: "It's usually not responding."
Makoto: "Wait, what?"
Usagi: "That is to say, the Crescent Moon Wand only responds when one of the crystal demon thingies is nearby."
Ami: "Right, I know that, so, my point is: it's not responding now."
Usagi: "That's right."
Ami: "Which means there's no 'crystal demon thingie' nearby."
Usagi: "That seems a reasonable conclusion."
Ami: "So why are we standing guard over the little girl if she's not a 'crystal demon thingie'?
Makoto: "Universal sisterhood? Good Samaritanship?"
Usagi: "I don't know, you guys were the ones who dragged her in here. I wanted to chase after Zoisite."
Makoto: "You mean you knew all the time that we were in the wrong place and didn't–?!"
Usagi: "I thought you guys knew! You're the genius planner, Ami, I thought you knew what you were doing!"
Ami: "But you're the leader!"
Usagi: "Well, why didn't you tell your leader you didn't know what you were doing?"
Ami: "I did know what I was doing!"
Makoto: "Oh, I get it. You knew what you were doing, but what you were doing wasn't what you thought you were doing."
Ami: "I did think what I was doing was what– wait, let me parse that."
Usagi: "So, we're not chasing after Zoisite?"
Ami: "Yes we are!"
Makoto: "We are?!" /leaps up.
Usagi: "We think we are."
Ami: "No we don't!"
Makoto: "I do!"
Ami: "No you don't!"
Makoto: "I don't?"
Ami: "No! Or possibly yes! I don't know!"
Usagi: "Well, let's work it out later! We've got a cat to save!"
Ami: "Promise?"
Usagi: "Promise!"

• CATS ON THE RUN, cats on the run, and the jailer man and Sailor Sam were searching every one.
The rats surround the two cats, then coalesce into a terrifying, vaguely humanoid form. Then Zoisite's face pokes out.
Luna: "AAAGH! They're taunting us with his decapitated head!"
Zoisite: "Better than that! I am now the Queen of the Rats!"
<< Rats are slain! >>
Zoisite: "Uneasy rests the crown."
Rei, as Sailor Mars: "¡ZOISITE! ¡No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have, and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat! ¡I am the cheese on the mouse-trap of justice, and I shall crush your bones beneath my feet before this day is through! ¡I am SAILOR MARS!"
<< Zoisite casts ZOI! >>
Rei /is blasted into the canal.
Luna: "SAVE THE SPEECHES FOR AFTER THE FIGHT! How many times do I have to tell you guys?!"

Rhett Butler is transformed into a giant, hulking, hairy, green, ugly, sluggard, snaggle-toothed catbeast.
Zoisite has the Violet Crystal!
Zoisite: "Et voila! The last and greatest of the Wizards From Hell! Sic 'em!"
Suddenly! Tuxedo Mask appears and kicks Zoisite in the nads!
Zoisite /!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuxedo Mask /liberates the Violet Crystal.
Exit Tuxedo Mask, as suddenly as he appeared.
Zoisite /as from a great distance. "—————— ——————!"
{Zoisite has left the scene.}

• WITHOUT SPECIFIC ORDERS, the Catbeast proceeds to attack Tokyo. Because what else does a giant monster do?
Rei: "¡Quick, do like Fay Wray and stop him!"
Luna /wilts. "You've gotta be fucking kidding me!"
Catbeast looks longingly at Luna, and begins stomping closer and closer.
CUE: the love theme from Tschaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet.
FX: Record scratch.
Rei: "Way to ruin the romantic mood, Ami."
Ami: "You're welcome!"
Makoto /dramatic last-minute SAVE! of Luna.
Rei: "I had to make all the dramatic speeches by myself, you know. I did an awesome job of course, but still."
Ami: "I'm sure you did. And it is completely not my fault that we're so late."
Makoto: "That's right, it wasn't Usagi's fault at all!"
Usagi: "You're not helping!"
Luna: "Cut the comedy and deal with the monster!"
<< Catbeast reverts to Rhett Butler! >>
Usagi: "Hey, did anyone else notice that we didn't get transformation sequences this episode?"
Rei: "Frankly, my dear, I don't–"
Luna: "Aaaagh! Stop it!"

• DENOUEMENT: Scarlett has regained consciousness, Rhett Butler is reunited with Scarlett, and all was resolved before her parents got home.
Ami: "Luna, your boyfriend is one fat cat."
Usagi: "He's so fat that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house."
Rei: "He's so fat that his shadow has stretch marks."
Makoto: "He's so fat that when he crosses the road he has to make two trips."
Ami: "He's so fat that next to him Garfield looks like a stick figure."
Luna: "He's not my boyfriend!"
Usagi: "Well, maybe he should be. You're not getting any younger, you know. It's easier to be killed by a terrorist than it is to find love over forty, which in cat years is about six."
Ami: "That statistic is not true!"
Makoto: "That's right, it's not true, but it feels true."
Rei: "That's right, I wanted tiramisu. ¿You guys want to go get tiramisu?"
Ami: "So, did we know what we were doing, or didn't we? We never quite worked that out."
Luna: "Oh, don't ask me, girl, I just work here."

• REPLAY FIRST HALF END CREDITS, only with a svelte cat in silhouette by the tree, waiting for a cloaked, big, fat, ugly, sluggard cat in silhouette.
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Cartoon Poet
RPGnet Member
Validated User
Am I the only one who knows at least two totally different works this could refer too? is is the phrasing important?
I suspect the one I'm referring to was actually a reference to another thing, actually, but I don't know for sure.

The one I'm thinking of is by Toshiki Yui.

No-Brand Hero

Heroicus Genericus
Validated User
One thing nobody has mentioned:

Rei's grandfather was one of the Seven Great Youma.

Which means Rei is one-quarter youma.
Spoiler: Show
Nah, this is directly contradicted in a few episodes. Artemis very specifically states that they're all 100% human. They're transmigrated souls rather than physically reincarnated, thus their abilities are spiritual rather than biological. And yes, this actually does include the Seven, and for that matter Beryl and the Shittenou as well. They were just awakened by Metalia at an unspecified point before the start of the series.


Retired User
Re: Episode #31: Loved and Chased! Luna's Worst Day Ever.

Zoisite: "Here I am, the second-best and most beautiful of the Four, knee deep in shit looking for a fucking stray cat. All I can say is that bitch Beryl better be grateful."
Zoisite: "Here, kitty, kitty."
Zoisite: "Jadeite probably dated a redhead shit demon. He'd just call her up, hey, Shit-chan, help me out here? I need you to find a cat. Then he'd lose the cat."
This piece of dialogue is a thing of beauty to say outloud.


flying over a post-factual world
Validated User
Re: Episode #31: What Is This I Don't Even

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The End.
So, Episode 31 was this then, yes ?
Oh, wait, according to Amis handheld, shouldn´t they be named "Operation 31" ;)
Heh, I love it when they bring in such easter eggy details...:D
Well, I am glad you made anormal recap too, in this shortened one you did actually forget to mention Squeeek !...;)

BTW, either did you not recap some scenes which I doubt, or you had versions where they were cut...

(and my favourite scene of this ep. Such a perfect, perfect "Oh Shit!"-moment...)

Either way, it really does make sense that the devils were high ranking members (Lieutenants maybe) of the Dark Kingdom, as the highest of the devils (Lieutenant-Commander?) not only has psychic powers, no, they also nearly exactely mimic those of
Spoiler: Show
Prince Endymion

Hm, over 80 sites and we have not even assembled all 7 gem splinters on one place...
BTW, now that we have all 7 devils together, can we now try to make a definite try to order them to the 7 sins (and also recite which rainbow color they were) ?

Anyway, Shadowjack, now I guess you understand (with maddened mind) why I love this episode so much...:D
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