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[In Which I Watch] Sailor Moon

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Cartoon Poet
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Does Nanami have anyone other than her brother, and that elementary school kid. (I allways want age up the kids in Utena by about 3 years, elementary to middle, middle to young high school, high school to senior year)
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who sometimes wants to do this with a series.

That makes a scary amount of sense.

Also, can I sacrafice a first born I haven had yet? I mean I dont know Shadowjack's real name yet...and he can at least spin gold into better gold.
My real name is William Spencer, and I answer to Will if you have trouble pronouncing the double-L.

Conjure with it and I'll eat your liver. ;)

I suppose if I ever wanted to write shoujo manga, I could render my name in katakana as RI-RI-A-N instead of WI-RI-A-MU, and have readers thinking I was a woman ("Lilian Spenser").

Should I be concerned that I find the Sailor Moon dressed Zoisite so much hotter than Usagi Sailor Moon?

I mean, seriously, why would I accept a faker when the real thing is presented before me as well? But there's something about that pseudo-Sailor Moon's expression that just makes me go, "I want to see more of her... I mean him... I mean... arrggg!" [*headdeck*]

It might be I'm a tsundere fanboy and Sailor Zoi's face has that same kind of smirking amusement.
I thinks he looks fine in his work clothes, honestly. But then I like women in work clothes, so…

Personally, I felt he looked a bit… damn it, "flat" is not the word I'm looking for, here. :p I know, "less toned." Usagi has better tone, but then she is doing P.E. at school, and Zoisite teleports everywhere. ("Zoi, could you pick up some milk?" "Sure thing, love." /rose petals out. /rose petals in. "Here you go." "Why do you always get rose milk?") On the other hand, "Zailor Moon" looks closer to legal—a tough 16- or 17-year-old slumming, rather than a chunky 14-year-old playing above her game.

But his grin, yeah, he's enjoying this, and it shows. There could be an amusing fanfic tangent in that – Zoisite discovers he enjoys fighting mortal crime as a hobby, and becomes a part-timer on Tokyo's growing roster of superheroes. Which drives the others nuts, since all the rest of the time he's their mortal enemy… :D


Cartoon Poet
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Episode #33: The Last Sailor Warrior, Sailor Venus Appears.

• NOTE: Another episode in the "cuter" style.

• LENG: Zoisite is reviewing archival footage of various Nephrite battles before the court.
Queen Beryl: "After the rat incident, General, We find We have little patience for wallowing in the embarrassing defeats of Our minions."
Zoisite: "Surely Your Majesty has noted the pattern: When Sailor Moon gets into serious difficulty, almost every single time, Tuxedo Mask appears to rescue her. You could set your watch by it, if we had watches here."
Queen Beryl: "Tuxedo Who?"
Zoisite: "A code name assigned from traffic analysis of–"
Queen Beryl: "That's not a name, that's just a description of what he's wearing."
Zoisite: "Indeed, Your Majesty. Now, his past behavior suggests that we can reliably draw him out of hiding and–"
Queen Beryl: "By that logic, you're Uniform Ponytail and I'm Slinky Dress Crown."
Zoisite: "And a fine dress it is, Your Majesty, as equal to your figure as your grasp of the situation is acute."
Queen Beryl: "Don't try to flatter me with your fashionista ways, General Zoisite. Your sad devotion to that tanned gigolo over there hasn't helped you conjure up the two remaining crystals, or given you clairvoyance enough to identify the Sailor Warriors' true identities."
Kunzite: "If the 'tanned gigolo' may speak…"
Zoisite /BLISS
Queen Beryl: "The Throne recognizes the one General who hasn't screwed up yet."
Kunzite: "The basic plan is sound – draw Tuxedo Mask out of hiding, take him into custody, and from him take the crystals. However, we need to make sure that the Sailors are sufficiently distracted that they don't rescue him."
Queen Beryl: "Women rescuing men?"
Zoisite: "Shocking concept, I know, Your Majesty, but they are barbarians."
Kunzite: "I believe I have a plan to handle that necessity… with Your Majesty's permission, of course."
Queen Beryl: "Granted."
Kunzite /turns to Zoisite. "Up to something a little unusual, dear?"
Zoisite: "Always!" ;)

•*CUT TO: A bank!
Pumpkin: "All right, everybody be cool, this is a robbery!"
Honey Bunny: "Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every mothe–"
Zailor Moon /bursts in, dramatically. "HAIKEEBAH!"
Pumpkin and Honey Bunny: ?!
Zailor Moon is a Sailor Moon palette swap.
Zailor Moon /proceeds to beat the snot out of the two robbers, and smiles the whole time.

TV Presenter: "This is a Metro News Flash!"
Luna /cat nap
TV Presenter: "And the day was saved by local superhero Sailor Moon–"
TV Presenter: "–the green-eyed beauty gave no interview, but did pose for several photos before–"
Luna: "USAGI!"

• MEANWHILE: The real Usagi is on a date with Makoto, who's looking very butch today in an hunter's jacket and trucker cap.

Usagi /ice cream! OM NOM NOM
Makoto /laughs. "You're getting it all over your face! At least use a napkin or something…"
Usagi: "Sorry, I need calories after that last battle."

But little does the shapely pair realize that high above them on the sheer face of the skyscraper towering thirty stories above, two innocent windowcleaners, hard about their day's work, are about to find their lives in mortal peril!

Mamoru /happens to be at that floor, buying a book.
Mamoru /glances out the window.
Mamoru: "Holy crystallography! Those looked like Zoisite-style crystal death shards."

And indeed they are! And these sharp-tined, Mohs-scale terrors have been hurled with deadly accuracy, slicing the lines of the window-wipers' gantry like a hot knife through butter!

Wiper #1: "Help!"
Wiper #2: "Ve are falling!"

Within heartbeats, the two men find themselves dangling over a hundred feet above the rock-hard concrete street below, as on the ground men gasp and stare, and women shriek in horror!

Man: "Great Scott!"
Woman: "Won't somebody save those poor men?!"

But wait, what's this, high on the neighboring rooftop?

Onlooker #1: "Look! Up in the sky!"
Onlooker #2: "It's a bird!"
Onlooker #3: "It's a frog!"
Onlooker #4: "No, it's Sailor Moon!"
Makoto and Usagi: "WHAT?!"
Zailor Moon /swoops in on a line and carries both men to safety.
Wiper #1: "Thank you, Sailor Moon!"
Wiper #2: "Ve are in your debt!"
Zailor Moon: "Don't mention it! Just another good deed from your friendly neighborhood Sailor Scout!"
Onlookers: "Hooray!"
Usagi and Makoto: "WHAT?!"
Zailor Moon /vaults over the rooftops and away.
Makoto: "Dude! Dude!"
Usagi /cries. "WRRRRRRRYYYYY?!"
The Other Blonde Chick From The Credits /just happens by with a white lunar cat. "Don't I know you?"
Usagi: "I don't know! Do I know me?" /cries some more.
Makoto: "Now I'm confused. Was that you, just now? So who am I talking to?"

Mamoru: "I knew Sailor Moon was eccentric, but I didn't think she'd intentionally put people in danger for the sake of crowd-pleasing heroics. Something's fishy here."


• DAT NIGHT, ON DA DOCKS: A storm brews.
Kunzite: "MUAHAHAHA! All is proceeding as I have foreseen!"
Zailor Moon: "This is fun! I haven't worn a skirt since that trip to the Abyss."

Mamoru: "I know she's around here somewhere. Perhaps if I climb through some of these pipes, or up that stack of breakable brick blocks."

Makoto: "You know we've hit the big time when we inspire copycats! Er, no offense, Luna."
Luna: "None taken."
Rei: "Of course I knew it wasn't Usagi at first glance."

Usagi: "Thanks, Rei! Wait, that was just the set up for a slam, wasn't it? 'I knew because she wasn't half as ugly, hurr hurr.'"
Rei: "¡Hey, I didn't even have to say it! Now that's teamwork." :D
Makoto: "Usagi, you're your own worst enemy!"
Usagi: "For a change of pace, how about we make fun of someone else for a while."

Usagi: "Like Ami. Ami-chan, what happened?! You were dressing so nicely this past week, and now you're wearing my mother's idea of proper party clothes."

Ami: "I think I look just fine. And when you look as badass as I do, it doesn't matter what you wear."
Usagi: "You look badass?"

Ami: "Is this doppleganger our enemy, or our friend?" :cool:
Makoto: "…Whoa."
Luna: "I dunno, I think you just look like you're ill."
Rei: "Hey, Luna, you'd know. ¿Is this our fifth Sailor Warrior?"
Luna: "Er… um… Hey, how about this fancy camera work? Pretty clever of them, to shoot through the pipes like that, eh?"
Ami: "Do you mean to tell us you don't know? Luna, honestly, I'm–"
Luna /suddenly. "Hey, Usagi, what do you think of all this?"
Usagi: "Whoever she is, she owes me licensing fees!"
Ami, Rei, Makoto: "OH FOR–"
Luna /sneaks around the corner.

Suddenly! A scream of terror rends the night!

Makoto: "Let's go!"

• A FLASH OF LIGHTNING REVEALS: Zailor Moon, bound and dangling from a cargo crane, for the amusement of Kunzite.
Ami: "Dark Kingdom uniform!"
Usagi: "Another one, huh. Get him!"
Ami: "Right!"
Makoto /holds back Ami.
Rei /holds back Usagi.
Rei: "¿Get him? ¿That's your plan?"
Makoto: "It could be a trap!"
Usagi and Ami: "So what?"
Makoto and Rei: "…"
Makoto: "…I like your style."
Rei: "¿Are we gonna talk about it, or are we gonna do it?"
Usagi: "Sailor Scouts, transform and ROLL OUT!"

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 31
Usagi into Disguise Form: 8
Ami into Sailor Mercury: 10
Rei into Sailor Mars: 7
Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 1
Makoto into Sailor Jupiter: 3

Kunzite: "What annoying and wasteful lights. The only true beauty is the radiant darkness. The darkness of the Dark Kingdom will shade the entire world. I cannot wait to see it. And now, Sailor Moon, I shall–"
Usagi: "Wait!"
Kunzite: "What do I look like, a waiter?"
Usagi: "I am sick to death of this light bondage theme, and it's just as bad to see you guys doing it to someone who looks like me! For goodness sake, talk about voyeurism by proxy. You have terrible taste, sir, and you should be ashamed! I AM SAILOR MOON!"
Ami: "Likewise, except for the voyeurism complaint! Sailor Mercury!"
Rei: "Likewise, Sail— ¿What?"
Makoto: "And I'm Sailor Jupiter!"
All 4: "In the name of the Moon, we will punish you!"
Kunzite: "And I am General Kunzite, of the Four of the Dark Kingdom." /bows. "And for my next trick, I shall make you all… disappear!"

• BATTLE IS JOINED! Cue Boss Battle music!
Kunzite /seals off the entire area with a black globe spell. The flickering shield shatters obstacles all along its perimeter as it forms. 2D images of Kunzite appear and flicker all about the play area, taunting the fighters.
Rei: "¡Sweet effect!"
<< No effect. >>
Usagi: "You suck!"
<< Kunzite casts B-52 Carpet Bombing. >>
Usagi: "HARD COVER!"
<< Usagi takes 390 damage! >>
<< Ami takes 392 damage! >>
<< Rei takes 390 damage! >>
<< Makoto takes 356 damage! >>
Makoto: "Lemme show you how it's done!"
<< No effect. >>
Usagi: "You suck too!"
<< Usagi recovers 280 points! >>
<< Ami takes 280 points! >>
<< Rei takes 280 points! >>
<< Makoto takes 280 points! >>
Usagi /readies tiara. "Wait, wait, sorry, I get it now, it's a teamwork lesson. We can't attack piece-meal, we need to combine our–"
Ami: "No, it's not like that. That shield's designed like a black hole; it can suck up anything we throw at it!"
Usagi: "Well how in the name of craters are we supposed to blow up something like that?"
Kunzite /whistles "Gimme Shelter", and starts compressing the dome.
Usagi, Ami, Rei, Makoto: "OH SHIT!"

Mamoru /running along. "Sailor Moon suspended in a death trap above some sort of giant black hole, with lightning about to strike that crane tower any moment. But where's the demon?"
Mamoru /daring last-minute SAVE!
Lightning strikes the tower! Massive explosions!
Mamoru /flies ahead of the fireball and comes to a safe landing in a nearby warehouse.
Mamoru: "Is it just the flash, or did you change your colors? You okay?"
Zailor Moon: "'Course I am, hon." /kiss.
Mamoru /?
Mamoru: "…You're not the real Sailor Moon."
Zailor Moon /stabs Mamoru in the back with a death shard. "And you're a lousy kisser."
Mamoru /!
Zailor Moon /kicks Mamoru in the crystals for good measure, because payback's a bitch.
Mamoru /!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zailor Moon /unmasks as Zoisite! "I haven't had this much fun since Pompeii!"
Mamoru /bleeds and moans.
<< Zoisite casts Flower Petals! >>
<< Mamoru dodges, barely! >>
Mamoru /limps into the stacks of merchandise to hide.
Zoisite: "Okay, he dodges that spell almost every time I use it, but a hand-held blade cut him but good. Looks like I'll have to get physical to finish this."
Zoisite /draws a death shard sword out of Hammer-space, and walks in the direction Mamoru took.

• OUTSIDE the storm is raging, and the black hole is now about the width of a basketball court.
Ami: "The air pressure in here is rising rapidly. We won't be able to breath pretty soon."
Makoto: "Maybe if we try shooting it really fast?"
<< No effect. >>
Makoto: "There's really no weak point?!"
Kunzite /laughs. "Save your MP for the afterlife, kids. You can't win."
Usagi: "If this is one of those stupid boss fights we're supposed to lose for the sake of the plot, I'm gonna be pissed!"

• INSIDE: Zoisite is just cutting everything in sight to ribbons.
Zoisite /humming happily.
Mamoru /is hard pressed to stay out of the shrapnel radius.
Zoisite: "Found you!"
Zoisite /knocks over a stack of pallets, and knocks over Mamoru.
Mamoru's mask has been knocked off!
Zoisite: "Oh, it does come off? You should have used an elastic band."

• BUT WHAT'S THIS? Queen Beryl has been monitoring the situation via CrystalVision.
Queen Beryl /stands up in shock. "HIM?!"

Mamoru: "Now why you wear a mask when you look that good? Not that it matters." /raises his weapon for the coup de grace.
And suddenly, we have another playable character! She dashes inside.
<< Zoisite is hit! Zoisite is disarmed! >>
Zoisite /cradles his wounded hands. "No way… it's Sailor V?! You're not just a video game character?!"
Zoisite /tries to cast a spell.
But his hands are still clumsy with pain!
Zoisite /draws a gun, damn it.
But Sailor V and Tuxedo Mask are already gone!
Zoisite: "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This isn't fair!"

• OUTSIDE: The black hole is now about the width of a four-square court.
Usagi: "One thing's for sure, we're all going to be a lot thinner."
Makoto: "Getting hard to breath… won't be long now… nice knowing you all…"
Zoisite /shows up. "Kunzite! We've got problems—"
Kunzite: "You failed."
Zoisite: "Such cold words. Sailor V showed up!"
Kunzite: "For real? Let's finish this up." /he hurries up the spell.
Zoisite: "Tuxedo Mask! I know you're out there. In the name of the Dark Kingdom, hand over the rainbow crystals, or we'll reduce your friends to Planck length! You've got about thirty seconds to decide!"
Usagi: "Don't do… ugh."

All four Sailor Scouts pass out!

Luna: "OH SHIT!"
Mamoru /steps into sight. "Sigh."
Kunzite /pauses the spell. "Well?"
Zoisite /holds out his hand expectantly. "Don't feel too bad; sometimes you just have to give in."

Sailor V: "I disagree! No matter how hard it is, you must never give up!"
Mamoru: "That's my line!"
Kunzite and Zoisite: "Who are you?!"
The white cat holds up a boombox and cues up her entry music.
Sailor V: "I'M BATMAN!"
<< Black Hole is destroyed! >>
All four Sailor Scouts wake up!

Sailor V /strikes a pose.
Kunzite: "You're not Batman."
Artemis, for that's the cat's name: "No, she is Sailor Venus!" /musical sting!
Usagi: "Cute. Cute name."
Rei: "V for Venus. I never would have guessed that."
Ami: "I guessed it."
Makoto: "Hush, dear. Let the newbie have her moment."
Luna /greets Artemis with the secret hand-shake. "'Sup, Artemis?"
Artemis /returns it. "'Sup, Luna. Long time no see, soul sister."
Luna: "Yo, how you doin' my brotha?"
Zoisite /stands in front of Kunzite protectively. "I'll hold them off, My Love! Run while you still can!"
Kunzite: "There's only eight of them."
Zoisite: "But two are cats!"
Kunzite: "I'm still not wor–"
Deedle dee dee, deedle dee dee, deedlee dee dee dee.
Deedle dee dee, deedle dee dee, deedlee dee dee dee.
Kunzite /picks up his cellphone. "Kunzite here–"
Zoisite: "But we're–"
Queen Beryl: (via phone) "THAT'S AN ORDER! PULL OUT NOW NOW NOW!"
Kunzite: "…I guess we'll finish this battle another time."
Zoisite /sticks his tongue out and flips the Sailors the bird.
{Kunzite and Zoisite have left the scene.}

Usagi: "Damn it! Did anyone see which direction Tuxedo Mask sneaked off to?"
Makoto: "Just follow the trail of blood."
Usagi: "I did. It disappeared down a pipe. What is he, a plumber?"

• DENOUEMENT: A tense meeting by a lighthouse. On the left, four Sailors and a cat. On the right, one Sailor and a cat.
Rei /holds out hand to shake. "Thanks for the timely rescue. ¡We're pleased to meet you!"
Venus /strikes a pose and smiles.
Rei /looks at her hand to see if there's something wrong with it.
Usagi: "You wouldn't happen to also be the Moon Princess we've been looking for, would you?"
Venus /says nothing, and keeps smiling.


Long beat.

Usagi: (sotto voce) "Does she speak?"
Ami: (sotto voce) "Maybe she's mute."
Rei: (sotto voce) "Maybe she's dumb."
Makoto: (sotto voce) "Maybe she doesn't speak Japanese? I'm trying to be charitable, here."

Venus /keeps smiling. It's getting kind of scary now.
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