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[IWIW] Sailor Moon R (thread 4 of a continuing series)

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Cartoon Poet
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Episode #72: Cold-Hearted Rubeus! The Four Sisters of Sorrow.

On re-watching the intro, it does some some nifty camera tricks — rack focus shifts and clever abstract movements — which help offset some of the roughness.

Wiseman: (via holoprojection) "OI! RUBEUS! SHAKE IT BEFORE IT FALLS OFF! RUBEUS!"
Rubeus /stumbles into the room, wearing a towel, still dripping. "For Chrissake— What?"
Wiseman: (via holoprojection) "Your future has two paths—"
Rubeus: "Can't the future wait five minutes?"
Wiseman: (via holoprojection) "One path: victory, glory, all that good stuff. The other path: defeat, darkness, despair, doom, death."
Rubeus /sweat drop. "…You wouldn't happen to know how to get the good path, oh wise and powerful seer? Other than succeeding in this mission?"
Wiseman: (via holoprojection) "There is only one way to— Well, yes, actually, you just have to succeed in your mission quickly."
Rubeus: "Kill the Rabbit. Kill the Sailor Scouts. Got it. I got it! I'm doing it."
Wiseman: (via holoprojection) "Soon, boy, soon. Or else—" /khhkkkkk knife across throat motion. "Bad end. You dig?"
Rubeus: "Yes, thank you, yes, I gathered that. I'll just have to… hmm…"
Wiseman: (via holoprojection) "—put some clothes on? I don't mind what you do in your spare—"
Rubeus /shuts off the timephone.

Usagi: "And now you know why you never jump into a leaf pile with a wet sucker."
Chibi-Usa: "Blah! Ptooie!"
Koan /plucks leaves out of Chibi-Usa's hair.
Usagi: "Serves you right for messing up our hard work!"
Chibi-Usa: "You only came over to the Shrine because you heard Rei was having a yam roasting party!"
Usagi: "…Yes, but I helped rake up the leaves, didn't I? Without being asked!"
Makoto: "Much."
Minako: "Shh."
Koan /fixes Chibi-Usa's hair. "There you go, awl better! Treat your pwetty hair more carefuwwy, it will serve you well thwoughout your life!"
Chibi-Usa: "Koan, you're so nice, I wuv you!" /hugs.
Koan /blush.
Berthier: "…"
Ami: "…"
Berthier /gazes at the leaves. Cue French accordian music. "I had been so busy struggling, I never took the time to realize how, how…*magnifique this world really was."
Ami: "You don't have to go back to the accent, you know."
Berthier: "Oh, I know, but of all the old languages, I found that only French really had the proper elan for poetic speech. N'est-ce pas?"
Ami /laughs. "Maybe so. What little you've told us of your people is so strange…"
Berthier: "I'm sorry I couldn't tell more. We were just minions, and… let's face it. We sisters spent more time fighting ourselves then worrying about politics or history. I only wish we could do more, to repay you—"
Ami: "Every little bit has helped, and don't worry yourself. Heck, I apologize for pressing you so hard. Even had you known nothing, we'd still be glad to have you as friends."
Berthier: "…Friends? Really?"
Ami: "Of course!"
Rei: "¡Yams are ready! ¡Get 'em while they're hot!"
Chibi-Usa /pounce!
Usagi /pou— "HEY!"
Minako: "I'm amazed—someone better at scarfing food than Usagi?"
Chibi-Usa /burp.

Petz: "I cannot believe this is what they have sunken to."
Calaveras: "You realize what's gonna happen? We're gonna be suspects, now. If we take even one false move, we'll be hangin' higher than a sherpa's bloomers."
Petz: "Petz is not so foolish as younger sisters! I vill not fail."
Rubeus /just stepping in. "So confident, my dear!"
Petz: "Of course!"
Calaveras: (sotto voce) "Careful, girl."
Rubeus /throws Petz a magic wand. "Here, this'll increase your Dark Power many times over. This is your final chance. Eliminate the Sailors, eliminate the Rabbit, and eliminate the traitors. Succeed, and you will receive the best thanks I am capable of. Fail, and you may as well not bother coming back. Understood?"
Petz: "JAWOHL!"
Rubeus: "Excellent!" /steps out.
Calaveras: "…You gonna be okay, sis?"
Petz: (darkly) "Just don't get in my way."
Calaveras: "What! You've never come up with a decent plan!"
Petz: "ZE JEWEL SHOP VOULD HAVE WORKED IF IT VERE NOT FOR— Why am I arguing with you? I have the magic wand. Muahaha!"

Ami and Berthier are deep in a friendly game of chess, Koan is brushing Chibi-Usa's hair and chatting with her, the others are sitting around eating yams.
Minako: "I would like to request that we not have a reenactment of the beans scene from Blazing Saddles."
Makoto: "Seconded!"
Usagi: "We'll just eat yams in silence, then."

A purple light comes from the sky!
Usagi: "INCOMING!"
Koan /dives to protect Chibi-Usa…

Tentacles of light grab Koan and Berthier and carry them away!

Minako: "…Did anyone else just see what looked like an alien abduction?"
Ami: "Yes, but no need to guess who the 'aliens' are! Usagi—"
Usagi: "On it!" /grabs Chibi-Usa and shoves her into a closet. "And this time, stay there! Please?" /locks the door.
Chibi-Usa /picks the lock in about two seconds.
Chibi-Usa: "Oh no! Oh no! This is all my fault—Koan and Bertie were kidnapped instead of me! I have to find some way to call Sailor Moon, so she can save them!"
Chibi-Usa: "Maybe if I—" /opens front door.
Makoto: "Sailor Scouts, transform and roll out!"

Usagi into Sailor Moon: 43+19
Usagi into Princess Serenity: 1
Usagi into Disguise Form: 9
Ami into Sailor Mercury: 15+4
Rei into Sailor Mars: 13+5
Makoto into Sailor Jupiter: 8+4
Minako into Sailor Venus: 7+4
Mamoru into Tuxedo Mask: 2+1
Luna-P into Something-or-Other: 5

Chibi-Usa: :eek:

Usagi: "Stay close! This could be another trap!"
Makoto: "What are they after this time?"
Rei: (darkly) "Executing traitors."
Minako: "NOT ON MY WATCH!"
Ami: "We still have time." /tricorder action! "…The energy trail leads west. This way!"

Chibi-Usa /follows as fast as she can. "No way. No way. No way. No way are Ami-chan and Mako-chan and Rei-chan and Mina-chan and stupid Kyo-Usa the Sailor Scouts. No way."

Koan and Berthier are imprisoned in another energy bubble. The sounds of night city traffic seem muted.

Calaveras: "Say, how did we arrive at the Rainbow Bridge by heading west? Isn't it east of Azabu-Juuban?"
Petz: "Perhaps we circled to confuse them."
Calaveras: "Okay, I'll buy that. …Whether the Sailors show up or not, shouldn't we just off our prisoners now to save time 'n trouble?"
Petz: "I said ve wait."
Calaveras: "…How's the, er, wand?"
Calaveras: "…I think it's cleared up your skin, too!"
Petz: "You really zink so?"
Calaveras /grabs for the wand. "Lemme borrow it just a—"
<< Petz casts Dark Bolt X! >>
Calaveras: "OW."
Petz: "I have been by two sisters already betrayed. I cannot trust you, now, either."
Calaveras: "What?!"
Koan /wakes up.
Berthier /wakes up.
Petz: "SO! YOU HAFF AWAKED! You will now us where they are, or I will become… unpleasant. I haff vays of making you t—"
Koan: "Pwease stop fighting the Sailor Senshi!"
Petz: "That is not what I asked for."
Calaveras: "…I knew it, they've got Stockholm Syndrome!"
Koan: "No, Cawavewas, Petz, wisten, the Dark Moon Cwan—"
Berthier: "—We're the bad guys."
Calaveras: "The hell you say."
Berthier: "If we were the good guys, we would be trying to murder a little girl? Would we be distrusting our own sisters and stabbing each other in the back? Would we be lurking above a peaceful city and laughing at the thought of burning it to the ground in the future?"
Calaveras: "…I must admit you raise some good points, Berthier, but you always were the clever talker. What do you say, Petz? Are we the good guys or the bad guys?"
Petz: "Good? Bad? …I'm the one with the wand." /takes aim.

Usagi: "Prepare for trouble—"
Petz: "Chyort voz'mi!"
Usagi: "—and make it double!"
Rei: "To protect the world from devastation—"
Ami: "To unite all peoples within our nation—"
Makoto: "To oppose all evils, with truth and love—"
Minako: "To extend our reach to the stars above—"
Rei: "¡Mars!"
Ami: "Mercury!"
Makoto: "Jupiter!"
Minako: "Venus!"
Usagi: "And Sailor Moon!"
Luna: "Sailor Scouts! Blast off at the speed of light!"
Usagi: "Surrender now or prepare to fight!"
Artemis: "Meow, that's right!"
Petz: "…"
Calaveras: "Y'all know this is a trap, right?"
Rei: "¡Of course!"
Ami: "We've come for our friends." /points. "You can give them to us, or we can come and take them. You'll like it less the second way."
Calaveras: "Give who back?"
Ami: "…"
Calaveras: "Oh, you mean them? Shucks, gal, I dunno if we can—"
Berthier: "Calaveras! She means it! Don't mess with that one, I'm serious!"
Petz /elbows Calaveras out of the way. "It matters not."

<< Petz casts Dark Thunder X! >>
< Everyone dodges! >

The shot screams overhead… and one of the overhead supports of Rainbow Bridge is completely blown away. Fragments of steel and concrete shower across the bridge; wires snap and creak and vibrate with ominous twangs; cars swerve and skid, making their headlights scatter about in confusion.

Usagi: :eek: "HOLY SHIT! Retreat! Retreat!"

Ninety seconds of electric hell ensues, as the Sailors run frantically back along the bridge, and Petz pursues, cackling and crackling, blowing up cars and cratering the pavement. Smoke and sparks and screaming everywhere.

Minako: "SUCH POWER!"
Makoto: "Two can play at that game!"
Usagi /hits the deck and covers her ears.
<< Makoto : Cast > SparkWave : Petz >>
< Petz parries! >
Makoto /!
Ami /tricorder action. "That magic wand makes her over nine thousand times as powerful!"
Makoto: "What?! Over nine thousand?!"
Usagi: "V!"
Minako /chain whip in hand. "Already on it!"
<< Minako : Tech > Snag : Wand >>
< Petz dodges! >
Minako: "Jeeeeeez, she's—"
<< Rei : Cast > BurnMandala : Petz >>
Minako: "—way—"
< Petz parries! >
Minako: "—too—"
Petz /rushes in close.
Minako: "—fast!"
<< Petz casts Dark Thunder X! >>
< The Sailors are hit! >

Petz: "All too easy. Time to die—"
Berthier: "Damn it, Petz, you've seen how Rubeus treated us! You're smarter than this—"
Calaveras: "Don't you ever quit? You always did talk too much."
Koan: "We're twying to help!"
Calaveras: "Hey, Petzie! Help me finish the traitors off, huh? Make it hurt."
Petz: "…As you wish."
<< Petz casts Dark Thunder X! >>
< Koan is hit! >
< Berthier is hit! >
< Calaveras is hit! >
Calaveras: "HEY! Let me get out of the line of fire, first, bitch!"
Petz: "…It's funny. You've ridiculed me time and time again… but seeing you like this now… you almost look cute."
Calaveras: "Uh… Petz?"
Petz: "You'd have betrayed me eventually, like all the others."
Calaveras: "PETZ?"
Petz: "I won't have to worry about my little sisters any more."
<< Petz casts Dark Thunder X! >>
< Koan is hit! Koan is down! >
< Berthier is hit! Berthier is down! >
< Calaveras is hit! Calaveras is badly hurt! >
Calaveras /reels and tries to hold onto consciousness.
Petz: "MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Such power! No more will I be harried by worthless baggage! With this wand, my powers are infinite! I can even surpass Master Rubeus—and then, the Clan could be mine! Yes, I, Mistress Petz—" /et cetera.

The team breaks cover: Makoto catches Berthier, Rei catches Koan, Usagi catches Calaveras, Minako and Ami cover their backs.

Usagi /first aid.
Calaveras: "What the fuck is wrong with you people?! I've been trying to kill you and now you're— helping…"
Usagi: "Calaveras, you know we could take you in a straight-up fight. If we wanted you dead, we could have done so before. Even if we were as cruel as your Rubeus, you'd still have a better deal from us…
Calaveras: "What, hot yams and green cards?"
Usagi /smiles. "And all that goes with them. You've seen what we do. How we work. Somebody's hurt, we try to help. No price tag. You're hurt, so…"
Calaveras /starts to cry. "Berthier's right, you really are the good guys. Oh, gawd, what have we been doing all this time—?"
Koan: "Forgetting what wove can be."
Calaveras /sobs.

Petz /still monologuing. "—and then I will show them all—"
Berthier: "…Cal, did Rubeus give Petz that magic wand?"
Calaveras: "Yes."
Berthier: "So any minute now she's going to discover that he's trapped it, cursed it, and riddled it with back doors."
Koan: "WHAT?"
Ami: "Berthier's probably right. It's what I would do, if I were the villain."
Petz /wrapping up. "—and NOW, you SCUM! I shall show you what TRUE POWER—"
Usagi: "Dude, killing your own sisters seems a lot more scummy to me."
Makoto: "Don't listen to her, kids, she's just mad with power."
Rei: "She made Koan cry! Let's show this futuristic bitch how we do things downtown."
<< Ami : Cast > Bubble1 : Petz >>
< Petz is confused! >
Usagi: "Hey, haven't seen that one in a while!" :D
<< Minako : Tech > Snag : Wand >>
< Petz is disarmed! >
Minako: "Olé!"
<< Makoto : Cast > SparkWave : Petz >>
< Petz is stunned! Petz is hurt! >
Makoto: "YES! High-five!"

The other sisters gather around Petz.
Petz: "Don't touch me! I don't want your pity! I don't—"
Rubeus /pops in. "Good work, Petz! You actually got them all in one place! Since I expected them to kill you horribly, I'm counting this as a victory on your part. I'll handle the rest—"
Petz: "…The wand is booby-trapped, isn't it?"
Rubeus: "I told you I'd give you as much thanks as I'm capable of!" /snaps fingers, and exits.

The wand implodes and produces a black hole. Everything starts to be sucked into it…

Luna clings to Usagi; Artemis, Rei, and Minako are clinging to wires; Makoto and Ami are clinging to each other; the Four Sisters are close together, sheltering in one of the craters…

Ami: "Wand produces an infinite amount of energy; Rubeus reverses the flow; wand absorbs an infinite amount of energy. And thus is conservation of energy maintained. Mathematically it's all quite simple. Too bad it's going to kill us all, Stephen would love to get close observations on this."
Makoto: "Mercury, how do we kill it?"
Ami: "You can't kill a black hole, love."
Usagi: "Luna?"
Luna: "Don't ask me! Space-time anomalies were never the business of a Sailor Scout!"
Petz: "There is one way. If I use all the power left in my body to strike at that wand and destroy it—"
Usagi: "Don't be stupid! What is it with dark wizards and elaborate suicide pacts?!"
Petz: "You don't care if this world is destroyed?"
Ami: "It's not going to work, anyway…"
<< Petz : Cast > Dark Power : Wand >>
< Wand absorbs Dark Power! >
Ami: "…because that."
Petz /stumbles and falls towards the black hole.
Calaveras /catches her with her bullwhip.
Petz /?!
Calaveras: "The fastest whip in the Oort will not let you hog the spotlight!"
Koan /crawls forward and hangs onto Calaveras. "I know we always fought, but this is serious."
Berthier /tries to rig a rudimentary pulley system to get them loose. "Can't be the Four Phantom Sisters if we're missing any…"
Petz: "You idiots! If you make me start to cry now, I'll lose my grip!"

This end of the bridge is starting to collapse and tilt into the black hole.

Usagi: "Does anyone have any ideas?"
Mamoru /as Tuxedo Mask. "Never give up!"
Mamoru: "Try combining your powers!"
Usagi: "Tux, now you're just making shit up!"
Artemis: "No, no, he's right! A black hole is a tunnel in space—"
Ami: "…No, it's not…"
Artemis: "Yes, it is! Trust in Lunarian science! If we can sunder the wand before it reaches the other side, the tunnel will seal. Theoretically, it should work."
Makoto: "You're saying we have to jump into the black hole, find the wand floating in space beyond it, and shoot it with a combined attack, all before we become separated, asphyxiated, or are crushed by the gravity."
Artemis: "Yes."
Usagi: "Mercury?"
Ami: "There's definitely a very slim chance we'll survive."
Usagi: "…I love this plan! I'm excited to be a part of it!"
Artemis: "Everyone let go on the count of three! One, two, five—"
Minako: "Three!"
Artemis: "Three!"

Rei /points. "¡Alli está!"
Artemis: "Quickly, join hands—"
Luna: "—and focus against that wand!"
Usagi: "Okay, what the hell."
Minako: "Earth!"
Rei: "¡Fire!"
Makoto: "Wind!"
Ami: "Water!"
Usagi: "Heart!"

Their powers combine… creating SAILOR PLANET POWER!

Sailors: "GO PLANET!"

A rainbow beam erupts from the little quintet…

Out of the smoke and dust stumble the five, plus two cats, coughing, and covered in marshmellow fluff.

Rei /cough cough. "The power is ours. Now let's agree to never do that again."
Artemis: "I say, it worked, didn't it?"
Ami: "Ladies, we have been participants in the biggest interdimensional crossrip since the New York event of 1984."
Usagi: "Hooray for our side. Where's Tux?"
Rei: "…sneaked away again…"
Usagi /:(
Koan: "Sailor Moon!"
Berthier /indicates Petz and Calaveras, hintingly.
Petz /is feeling especially awkward just now.
Calaveras: "…This ain't gonna sting, is it? And you don't go messin' with my brain or anything!"
Usagi: "Promise. Sailor Scout's honor!"
Berthier: "Would I lie to you?" /blink blink.
Petz: "…"
Calaveras: "…"
Berthier: "Um. My reputation precedes me…"
Koan: "Twust me, it only works if you want it to work."
Calaveras: "…Okay, shoot."
Petz: "Yes."

There is a swirl of motes like rose petals, and Berthier vanishes into the light…

Chibi-Usa watched the whole affair from a safe distance.

Rubeus /slams fist into the scrying glass, breaking it. "SON OF A BITCH! Sailor Moon had the Silver Crystal all along?! DAMN IT!"
Rubeus /realizes that he just slammed his fist into a glass mirror.
Rubeus /this hurts. A lot.
Rubeus /staggers over to the medical bay… "I need new minions…"

Welcome to the opening day of the Phantom Sisters Boutique! 10% of all proceeds go to the "Rebuild the Rainbow Bridge Foundation" fund.

Makoto: "Isn't it… a little… small? I mean, it's a portable stall, not even a storefront."
Usagi: "Well, I didn't think to ask the Silver Crystal to provide start-up funds, so they have to start small. But, hey, their passion for the field will make up for it, right?"
Calaveras: "STEP RIGHT UP STEP RIGHT UP! You! In the dippy hat! We will make you look gorgeous! STEP RIGHT UP!"
Petz: "Berthier, stay out of the merchandise."
Berthier: "We must make a good impression!"
Koan: "Stop fighting! I won't be able to concentwate on my accounts—"
Thrash, crash, etc.

Usagi: "…Well, at least they're gathering a crowd…"
Makoto: "As they say: 'You get along as well as you fight.'"
Minako: "I thought dippy sayings were my schtick?"
Ami: "It's funny how much they're like us."
Usagi: "They are not."
Rei: "¡No, es verdad! Observe: One (1) woman in blue with command over water, a keen and cool intellect, and relieves her suppressed emotions in dramatic fashion."
Ami /bows.
Rei: "One (1) physically-imposing woman who follows her own sense of style, can shoot lightning, and has displayed the scars of a past romantic failure."
Makoto: "Heh."
Rei: "One (1) athletic smart-talker with a bow in her hair, a whip in her hand, and a prankster's social sense."
Minako: "Oh, I guess that's me! Ha-ha!"
Rei: "¡And, last but not least! One (1) misunderstood young beauty with beautiful long hair, a distinctive manner of speech, and great power over the sacred flame."
Usagi: "…But there's a hole in your theory: They don't have a goofball comedy relief with a heart of gold, who triumphs over adversity with the power of love and good teamwork."
Rei: "No, but they did have a leader with a flamboyant hairstyle, who selfishly played upon others' love to get them to do all the dirty work."
Usagi: "…"
Rei: "¿What? ¿You don't think I'm thinking about you, do I? Oh, wait—"

Peter Svensson

Reads Too Many Comics
Validated User
And lo, the whole "WHY AREN'T THEY BEING PUMPED FOR INFORMATION!" is covered with a single and pretty logical line of dialog. Trust in the show.

Welcome back.


Cartoon Poet
RPGnet Member
Validated User
And lo, the whole "WHY AREN'T THEY BEING PUMPED FOR INFORMATION!" is covered with a single and pretty logical line of dialog. Trust in the show.
Well, it can be hard to trust when everyone's complaining about what a bad season this is! ;)

ANT Pogo

Yuki Approved
Staff member
RPGnet Member
Validated User
Well, it can be hard to trust when everyone's complaining about what a bad season this is! ;)
R isn't a bad season.

SuperS, now, that was a bad season.

Personally, I cannot wait until you get to S (the season after the one you're watching).


New member
I don't think it's BAD per se, as much as that it wasn't what the audience was expecting. There's some great bits in it, and some of the funniest episodes of the whole series.
Damn that uncaring audience, for expecting a plot that advanced faster than an arthritic sperm whale on Brighton Beach.

ANT Pogo

Yuki Approved
Staff member
RPGnet Member
Validated User
SuperS' biggest crime (okay, second biggest, after You Know What) is that it came after S.

It does have some really hysterical episodes, though, I agree.

ANT Pogo

Yuki Approved
Staff member
RPGnet Member
Validated User
If it comes after R and S, shouldn't it have been called Sailor Moon T? :p
It was actually originally going to be called "Sailor Moon SS". Which just brings to mind a whole unfortunate set of mental images, doesn't it?

Which is, natch, why they changed it.
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