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[IWIW Sailor Moon S] Thread 7: All Good Sailors Go To Heaven


Cartoon Poet
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Episode #103: The Arrival of the Tiny Pretty Soldier

Kaolinite is still in the opening credits. IS SHE REALLY DEAD?!

Haruka: /stomp stomp. "Yep, looks like."
Michiru: /smiles.

A Different Underground Lab Entirely
The Professor does battle with an enemy voice-mail system, finally driving and scattering its options before him, and reaching the inner keep of…

Eudial: "Witches5®, this is Eudial, how may I direct your call? Oh, good morning, Professor! Let me bring up your account." /types.

Introducing Miss Eudial
As always, the lady is a redhead. The business-like effect of glasses and neatly-buttoned labcoat is spoiled slightly by the big honkin' star-shaped earring and extra-pouty lips, but everyone has their quirks. Behind her, the other four witches are busily doing SCIENCE! and lots of it.

You can tell they're real working scientists and not poncy science poseurs because most their equipment is state-of-the-art for the previous decades and covered in post-it notes. Eudial's PC is comparatively modern, a big beige box that's probably only three or four years old.

Eudial: "I'm glad you're accepting our bid, and thank you for choosing Witches5®. We can begin as soon as you fax over the contract…"
The Professor (via telephone): "Just a moment…"
Eudial: "I have it on this end… Good! We already have our first target: a pure-hearted taiko drummer lady."
The Professor (via telephone): "When your consultancy firm said 'altered methods', I must confess I expected a different method of target selection as well."
Eudial: /Brown Bell of the Bull Stance. "Fate-based individualization remains the most cost-effective synergy acquisition action methodology within a post-magical priority-based operations environment."
The Professor (via telephone): "…Well, you're the experts. I'll prepare your Daimon bodyguard immediately."

Cue "Powerhouse"

The Professor has sold out. No longer is each Daimon assembled by hand in his garage. Instead, the cash infusion brought from new investors has permitted him to establish a small mass-production line in the Underground. Mechanical arms select precisely-measured quantities of Daimon fluid from the stirring racks, to be injected under controlled conditions into a heavily-modified industrial curing oven. This equipment being the prototype, there is still a satisfying amount of leaking fumes and stray electrical discharges, but the Professor somehow still feels a little hollow inside. Such is life in a technology start-up.

Today, the oven contained a traditional drum and sticks. At the moment of conception, the cry "SOYER!" comes from within the oven. Lights flash, buzzers sound.

The contents are then packaged cleanly for distribution and transferred to a waiting company car: a white station wagon, blazoned with the company's Dark Star trademark. After Eudial signs off on the delivery, she buckles up (safety first!) as the hidden rail line transfers her car toward the surface.

Cue "Cleanin' Up The Town"

The garage doors roll open, the light of day blazes down, Eudial hits the flashers and guns the motor, and out of the subway station and down the surface streets she roars…

Meanwhile, After School
Ami: "You're smiling awfully perkily today. Have a good night?"
Usagi: "It's a seeeeecret. You two are smiling, too, I notice."
Mako: "That's also a seeeecret."
Usagi: "We're all so very secretive people. Go ahead and stand together, it's okay!"
Ami: "…I'm fine."
Mako: "Yeah, we're fine."
Mina: "I'm not smiling."
Usagi: "Wanna go to the summer festival tomorrow night? I'll treat you."
Mina: "Now I'm smiling!"
Usagi: "Ami! Ami! Ami Ami Ami Ami! Pleeeeeeease let us go!"
Mina: "Please! Please! Please, Ami, Ami, Ami, please! OMG please! Please!"
Mako: /Big Soulful Eyes.
Ami: "Allllllllll riiiiiiight. I gueeeeeess it's okaaaaay." :)
Everyone else: "YAY!"
Ami: "You see, this one doesn't count, because I'm operating under the assumption that responsible Rei had a very good reason for cancelling today's study session."

Precisely on cue, Rei speeds past them on a bicycle, crashes through a few signs, and staggers moaning into a nearby café.

Mina: "She didn't notice us at all."
Mako: "She was in a big hurry."
Ami: "She was all dressed up."
Usagi: "Forward, my brave investigators!"

They sneak.

Inside the Cafe
Rei is in the middle of an apology-off with a pure-hearted taiko drummer lady at the corner table.

Mina: "…it's a girl."
Usagi: "Who said it was a date?"
Mina: "Around us? These days? It seems a safe assumption to make. Consider Haruka."
Usagi: "Not every time a girl dresses herself up and gets in a big hurry to meet a person at a corner table in a nice café and is all blushing and nervous that she's made the other wait and… and… and… and the other girl's too old for her anyway, so there."
Mina: "Consider Haruka."
Mako: "Wait, I'm confused. If this other woman is like Haruka, are you saying she's actually a guy who likes to dress as a girl?"
Ami: "…Hot."
Ami: "I mean! Um."
Ami: "…I'll just be going now…"
Mina: "And give up on ever finding out what they're talking about? Because you know we'll find it funny not to tell you." ;)
Ami: /takes out a surveillance kit, blushing. "I'm doing this under protest, I swear."

Rei's Table
I can't improve on perfection:

I adore Ami's face during this:

Ami: (I'm being bad. I'm being so very very bad.)
Ami: (…but being bad is fun!)

After all that, the animators just get ostentatious, and spend precious seconds of footage depicting the way that a discarded drinking straw wrapper curls when a drop of liquid falls upon it.

Rei Explains
Rei: "Let me explain."
Rei: "No, is too complex. Let me sum up."
Rei: "On behalf of the Juuban Festival Promotional Committee, I was asking Miss Maya Tohno, famous taiko drummer, to do a benefit performance for the Juuban Summer Festival tomorrow, and she said yes."
Rei: "S-stupid Committee. It's not like I like doing this kind of stuff or anything. I'm only doing this because one of Grandfather's friends asked me. Don't get any funny ideas."
Usagi: "Yes, dear, I know how much you loathe bossing people around and arranging grand spectacles."
Rei: "…"
Mina: "Speaking of spectacles, was the short skirt a negotiating tactic? Because, if so, I mean, damn."
Rei: "…"
Mako: "I'm still confused. So this was a date?"
Rei: "NO. ¿Any other stupid questions?"
Usagi: "Oh! Rei! Rei-chan! Rei! Rei! Rei! Pick me! Rei! Pick me! Rei! Rei!"
Rei: "…¿Yes, Miss Tsukino?"
Usagi: "Can I play the drums, too?"
Rei: "No, you ca—"
Rei: "Yes. Yes you can."

And So, The Next Night
Summer festival montage: Drums, yukata, lanterns, takoyaki stands, etc. The girls are running the goldfish-catching game stand.

Usagi: "Trade places with me."
Mina: "You said you wanted to play a drum! And it's you, it's so you!"
Usagi: "It's a freakin' plastic BLOWFISH! I feel like a dunce!"
Mina: "Your fault for volunteering without asking for details! I've learned my lesson."
Usagi: "Say, I haven't seen Artemis lately."
Mina: "That was one of the details."

Kid #1: "Big Sis! I wanna play!"
Mako: "Okay, kiddo, you gotta pick the strongest one you can find…"
Kid #2: "Pretty Lady! I wanna play!"
Ami: "Okay, dear, you need a gentle touch; let me guide your hand…"
Mina: "Aw, isn't that sweet how—?"
Kid #3: "Hey, GRANNY. I wanna play!"
Mina: "…"
Kid #3: "Fork over, here, my buddies an' me ain't got all day!"
Mina: "Aw, isn't that a shame. Your nets broke! Just bad luck, I guess!" :)
Mina: "Okay, you two, we're here to drain the marks dry, so stop making eyes at each other while helping the little monsters out."
Usagi: "I thought we were here to help the community and have some fun."
Mina: "Gimme that drum."

Swirl of Rose Petals
Enter Haruka and Michiru, stunningly. Haruka's yukata is, of course, very masculine in dark blue, while Michiru has gone for an unusual autumn leaves pattern. They stop traffic.

Haruka: "Hey, kids. Part-time job?"
Usagi: "Volunteer work! Wanna—?"
Haruka: /catches a fish on the first try.
Usagi: "—try."
Haruka: "Isn't it cute?"
Michiru: "Oh, it's cute, is it?"

Exit Haruka and Michiru.

Mina: "…Was she seriously jealous of a goldfish?"
Usagi: "Aren't you glad you didn't get involved?"
Mina: "I wanted the other one. Oh! I see what you mean."
Usagi: "Fatal drowning accident."
Mina: "Heh. Yeah. What are you doing now?"
Usagi: "She made it look so cool and easy, I just have to try myself."
Mina: "Cool, easy, and Usagi are not words that go in the same sentence."
Usagi: /suddenly spins around. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"
Mina: "Banter."
Usagi: "No! I thought I saw the reflection of— Never mind. It's nothing."
Mina: "Now where are you going?"
Usagi: "To investigate."
Mina: "To investigate 'nothing.' All by yourself. Without telling us anything."
Usagi: "Oh, hush."
Mina: "What do I know? I'm just the bodyguard. I just work here. I don't need to know…"
Usagi: "Go beat the blowfish drum."
Mina: /grins.

An Isolated Part of the Festival Grounds
Usagi sneaks around a bit, then spots Rei, also sneaking.

Usagi: "HEY R—"
Usagi: (whispers) "Did you see Luna-P, too?"
Rei: (whispers) "¿Que? ¿You mean Chibi-Usa's creepy future rubber robot? ¿No?"
Usagi: (whispers) "Then why are you sneaking up on Miss Tohno's dressing—?"
Usagi: "AHA! It was a date! You perv!"

Rei drags Usagi over to look into the room, where Miss Tohno is intently going through her warmup routine on a baffled drum, then drags her off so they can talk again.

Rei: "She's been doing this for hours. I said she didn't need to go that far, but she said she has to do the warm up or it won't sound right. I feel guilty now for dragging her in for free, seeing how hard she's working behind-the-scenes just for a little small-time festival."
Usagi: "I know someone else who worked hard behind-the-scenes for a little small-time festival, too." ;)
Rei: "Also unpaid." :) "If she can, we can. Let's rock this festival."
Usagi: "MAXIMUM fun factor!"
Rei: "¡YEAH!"

But At That Moment…
A white station wagon pulls into the back lot.

Rei: "¿They lost? ¡Excuse me, there's no parking here!"
Usagi: "MAXIMUM parking enforcement!"

The car has a P.A. system, which clicks on.

Eudial (via P.A.): /slightly embarrassed. "Uh… testing, testing, one, two, three…?"
Usagi: ?
Rei: "I don't remember this in the event schedule."
Eudial (via P.A.): "Calling Miss Maya Tohno. If you are here, please show yourself. Miss Maya Tohno."

Enter Miss Tohno, from within the building.

Miss Tohno: ?
Eudial: "Son of a bitch, it actually worked!"

Eudial shoves the car into gear, screeches to a halt next to Miss Tohno, and shoots her point-blank with a Dark Star Assault Squirt Gun! WHAM, BAM, CRYSTAL'D MA'AM, GANGSTA STYLE!

Miss Tohno: /thud.
Rei and Usagi: /significant glance.

  • Usagi into:
    • Sailor Moon: 43
    • Second Stage Sailor Moon: 30
    • Cosmic Class Sailor Moon: 10
    • Princess Serenity: 1
    • Disguise: 9
  • Ami into:
    • Sailor Mecury: 15
    • Second Stage Sailor Mercury: 15
  • Rei into:
    • Sailor Mars: 13
    • Second Stage Sailor Mars: 15
  • Makoto into:
    • Sailor Jupiter: 8
    • Second Stage Sailor Jupiter: 14
  • Minako into:
    • Sailor Venus: 7
    • Second Stage Sailor Venus: 16
  • Mamoru into:
    • Tuxedo Mask: 2
    • Second Stage Tuxedo Mask: 1
  • Luna-P into something-or-other: 10

Eudial: (narrating for the benefit of the black box recorder) "I am now exiting the assault vehicle—"

Sailors Moon and Mars burst in, dramatically!

Usagi: "Sailor Moon, for love and justice!"
Rei: "Sailor Mars, for love and fire!"
Usagi: "And fire?"
Rei: "I like fire."
Usagi: "She likes fire."
Rei: "Remember, rápidamente, so they don't—"
Usagi: "Right! Sorry. HALT IN THE NAME OF THE MOON!"
Eudial: "Aha! So you're the famous Sailor Soldiers!"

Eudial swiftly disrobes for action! Beneath the labcoat she's got a fighting game outfit in red-and-black: tank top, skirt over harem pants, and armbands. Her glasses are safely tucked away.

Eudial: "Eudial, Account Acquisitions Manager for Witches5®."
Usagi: "How did she pronounce the ®?"
Rei: "¿Wait, you're not with 'Death Busters'?"
Eudial: /rolls eyes. "Gawd, not that silly name again. I told him it's just not marketable."
Eudial: /pushes button on her keychain fob.

The back of the car pops open, fumes pour out, and a dark figure rises and steps forward…


…except it's a green-skinned, punk-styled taiko drummer, with a blowfish hair ornament: the Daimon Soyer.

Rei and Usagi: "…"
Soyer: "Soyer!"
Rei and Usagi: "…"
Soyer: "Soyer!"
Rei and Usagi: "…"
Soyer: "Soyer!"
Rei and Usagi: "…"
Soyer: "Soyer!"
Rei and Usagi: "…"
Soyer: "Soyer!"
Rei and Usagi: "…"
Soyer: "Soyer!"
Rei and Usagi: "…"

Fireworks go off all about our heroes, causing them to dance and scream. Soyer dances and screams with them, laughing joyously.

And So…
Eudial watches from beyond Minimum Safe Distance.

Eudial: "Well! Looks like that situation is handled."
Eudial: (resumes recording) "I am now approaching the—"
Haruka and Michiru: /wave cheerily.
Eudial: "Where'd you come from?! HEY! Don't touch that!"
Haruka: /smiles kindly. "I know this is your all-important debut, but it looks like you've already lost."
Michiru: "Too bad, no Talisman!" :D /puts it back. "Sorry!"
Miss Tohno: /gasp!
Eudial: "You… you… you!"
Eudial: /shakes fist.
Eudial: /scrambles back into the car.
Eudial: "SOYER! Hurry and— Oh, who cares?"

Exit Eudial, driving frantically.

Michiru and Haruka note that Soyer has now turned off the fireworks, and imprisoned Usagi and Rei within giant drums.

Michiru: "Not going to help them this time?" /winks.
Haruka: "Enh, they're big girls. Can't be bailing them out every time."

Exit Sailors Uranus and Neptune.

Soyer: "And now… to beat on the drums!" /draws a tetsubo.
Usagi and Rei: /frantic glance.
Usagi: "Try hers, first!"
Rei: "¿WHAT?"
Usagi: "You're so uptight. A drumhead should be taut, right? Besides, I thought you liked pain."
Rei: "¡I like inflicting it on you, you traitor! ¡Beat her, first!"
Soyer: "No need to take turns!" /draws a second tetsubo.
Usagi and Rei: "Oh Tuxedo MAAAAAAASK—"
A Mysterious and High-Pitched Voice: "HALT IN THE NAME OF THE MOON!"
Usagi: "…Aw, hell no!"

Oh, Dear
Enter Sailor Chibi-Moon, dramatically silhouetted, flanked by Luna-P! Yes, it's Chibi-Usa, a couple of years older, and in her very own pink-and-red Sailor Senshi uniform. She wields a cheap plastic knock-off wand available in stores today, kids!

Chibi-Usa: "For love and justice, the apprentice pretty sailor-suited soldier, Sailor CHIBI-MOON! In the name of the future Moon, I will punish you!"
Usagi: /shakes head. "Chibi-Usa…"
Chibi-Usa: /dances and poses while winding up…

Chibi-Usa casts Pink Sugar Heart Attack!
Her wand plays a little tune…

Rei: "Dude, she's totally ripping off your attack."

Her wand sputters and whines.
Nothing happens.

Soyer: "…"
Chibi-Usa: "…"
Soyer: /knocks Chibi-Usa over.
Chibi-Usa: "OWIE! You suck!"
Soyer: "Look, I may be a vicious killing machine, but I'm not heartless, kid. Why don't you run along home before you get seriously hurt?"
Chibi-Usa: /taps her wand's battery compartment. "I know… it… works…"

Chibi-Usa casts Pink Sugar Heart Attack!
Her wand plays a little tune…
Chibi-Usa casts love at Soyer!
Soyer is mildly inconvenienced!
…right in the face! Soyer is stunned!

By dint of furious effort, Rei and Usagi have managed to free Usagi from her drum.

Usagi: "You sure you don't—?"
Rei: "Monster first, me next."

Usagi casts Moon Spiral Heart Attack!
Usagi casts love at Soyer!
Soyer is hit!
Soyer is obliterated!

Soyer: "…lovely!" /dies.

They all stand around and look at the smouldering remains.

Usagi: "You wanna set what's left on fire?"
Rei: "…Sure."
Chibi-Usa: "Yay!" /claps hands.
Usagi: /sighs.
Miss Tohno: "Just what the heck is going on around here? …Oh! Sailor Moon?"
Usagi: /shrugs. "Same as you, workin' the Festival for free. The usual."

The taiko performance is about to begin. Chibi-Usa is getting a piggy-back ride from Usagi.

Usagi: "This is so unfair. Every time I gain a base, a small child shows up."
Mina: "Well, that is the general idea, isn't it?"
Ami: "Recent research in evolutionary biology suggests that small children instinctively interfere with their parents', er, intimate time, so as to focus available childcare attention upon themselves."
Mako: "Are we at all surprised that Usagi's child goes over-the-top?"
Usagi: "Yes, but isn't it stupidly dangerous for her to interfere before she even exists?"
Rei: "Well, she is your child."
Usagi: "Har de har har."
Chibi-Usa: "It's a good thing I'm too small to understand this conversation."
Usagi: "Seriously, does your mom know you're here?"
Chibi-Usa: /looks at Usagi. "…Yes."
Usagi: "That's NOT what I meant and you know it!"
Michiru: /just passing by. "Oh hai."
Usagi: "Frell."
Haruka: "…Do I detect a family resemblance?"
Usagi: "Yes, she's my illegitimate daughter."
Chibi-Usa: "HEY!"
Haruka and Michiru: "…"
Haruka and Michiru: /start to do the math…
Chibi-Usa: "I'm her cousin."
Haruka: /phew.
Michiru: "And a very cute one you are! Haruka likes that, I'm sure."
Haruka: "Hey!"

The drums begin.

Usagi: "Seriously, WHY ARE YOU HERE?"
Chibi-Usa: "Mom said I needed to get some training in the 20th century."
Usagi: "Oh, well, that makes perfect sense."
Usagi: "Get Luna-P over here! Get Pluto on the phone— No! Get your Mom. I think I and I have to have a heart to heart."
Chibi-Usa: "Awwwwww." :( "But you're cooler than Mom."
Usagi: "You're darn right I am. Who do I think I am, shoving my kid off onto me when I'm trying to do dangerous work? I'm so irresponsible! Don't I know I can't take this responsibility?"

Meanwhile, Back at the Lab
Eudial compiles her expense account.

Eudial: "Consultancy fee. Target selection fee. Field investigation, per diem. Field operations, per hour. Mileage. Hazard pay. Damaged equipment fee, for the lost Daimon, at market rates. Ammunition expenditure. Insurance and completion bond. And target bounty."
Eudial: "Not bad for a day's work."

Final Comment
I'm puzzled and amused by the lights on the control console:

Since that's "this end up" and "not waterproof" on the left, and the right has a depiction of a daimon crouched in a box, I wonder if these display what the current device settings are (and the machine could be set otherwise), or if they always show that and they're really there just for show. Because, let's face it, Mad SCIENCE! is as much about theatrical display as it is about the joy of pure research.
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Registered User
Validated User
Fun episode! Character introductions! Physical comedy!

Shadowjack said:
The Professor has sold out.
The age of craftsmanship is over, I'm afraid. I do like the Daimon Oven, though! Mostly because it reminds me of Finster's monster oven from Power Rangers, and as a kid I thought that was pretty awesome.

(I've always wanted to find a way to play a "Monster Baking" character in an RPG, but there are surprisingly few games where such a character would work...)

Rei: "¿Wait, you're not with 'Death Busters'?"
Eudial: /rolls eyes. "Gawd, not that silly name again. I told him it's just not marketable."
Whereas "Witches 5" is surprisingly marketable. Sounds kind of like an idol group, but still! Catchy.

Wouldn't it be cool to have a law firm that, instead of listing its partners' names, was just, say, "Laywers 3?"

Chibi-Usa casts love at Soyer!
Soyer is mildly inconvenienced!
Aw yeah, Pink Sugar Heart Attack. Possibly the best attack in the series.

Chibi-Usa: "Mom said I needed to get some training in the 20th century."
Usagi: "Oh, well, that makes perfect sense."
To be fair, presumably it would be hard to get good on-the-job Senshi training in the utopian, post-Black Moon War 30th century. ;)

Shay Guy

Registered User
Validated User
Honestly, the whole thing is easily resolved. Just have Ami sit on Makoto's lap. :)
"Oh, I love sitting on your lap. I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up."

40 screenshots in one 10800-pixels-tall image? I think that qualifies this for the longest single recap by post height. At that point, it might be better to just snip the segment out and post it on YouTube.

New villains! Sciencey and fanservicey. And she's back! Hooray, we're doomed.
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