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PARANOIA - 101 phrases Friend Computer would say to Troubleshooters

Kevin Perrine

Registered User
Validated User
In preparing foe PARANOIA the rpg for my firat time, I'd like to have ready to MONOLOGUE several "standard" Friend Computer style: commands, mission briefs, directions, rapid replies to standard questions and actions as well as the monotone byt crazy witty randomish things FRIEND COMPUTER might say to Troubleshooters.

Including things that would be "broadcast" regularly for Citizens of Alpha Complex... ya know, like the computer things heard in background on StarTrek or the bullhorned announcements hourly in the Prisoner tv show!!

I want to do so and wish YOUR advice, for two reasons:

1. So that i can begin adopting the style of phrase words Friend Computer uses in year 214 of Alpha Complex and words used in common speak in the dystopian future.

2. I want to tey and use a text-to-talk voice changer APP to have a "voice" for Friend Computer! Right down to a british pitched computery accent!


So what quick phrases of monologue would Friend Computer always say on missions or replies for Troubleshooters?!!
 

Cisz

Registered User
Validated User
1 - "The computer is your friend."

2 - "Mine is the last voice that you will ever hear. Don't be allarmed." (FgtH)

3 - "If your grandmother or any other member of your family should die whilst
in the shelter, put them outside, but remember to tag them first for
identification purposes." (FgtH)
 

Craig Oxbrow

Ah, y'know. This guy.
Validated User
4 - Nothing can possibly go worng.

5 - This is just a test.

6 - This was just a test.

7 - This will be just a test.

8 - This requires Form 201-Alpha-54-B.

9 - Form 201-Alpha-54-B is currently out of stock.

10 - I am very glad you asked me that question, Friend Citizen. (Followed by silence.)
 

colinabrett

Registered User
Validated User
I think these were in Acute Paranoia:

"Citizen! What is 2 + 2?"

The answer is, of course, 4 but if all the Troubleshooters give the same answer, that's evidence of a conspiracy! Zap! Zap! Zap!

"Citizen! What is 2x + 2y if z=3?"

Of course, this is nonsense but algebra is security clearance Blue and for any lower level Troubleshooters this is treason. Zap! Zap! Zap!

"Citizen! Why are you out of uniform?"

This happens even if the Troubleshooter is in a perfect uniform.

"Perhaps your next clone will do better?"

I'm sure I can find some more.
Colin
 

Stevethulhu

Rising from the Depths
Validated User
"Please disregard this message"

"That is a very good question. Which is above your security cleareance."

"Please report for termination. Do not pass G0 Sector. Do not collect 200 credits."

"Have you taken you Happy Pills today, citizen? Happiness is mandatory."
 
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Lord Raziere

Registered User
Banned
Validated User
11. You have been called to be briefed on your next assignment, Friend Citizen

12. Only the person that gets there first can hear the briefing, Friend Citizen

13. Everyone who doesn't hear the briefing is a traitor, Friend Citizen.

14. Attention (Your Name)! I have important information for you: (Your Name) is a traitor, when you see them shoot them immediately. Don't tell anyone else about this, you need to keep this a secret from them so that you can catch them by surprise.

15. (Singing) No, don't call me a moron, I'm super-astute, there is no conundrum that my core cannot compute, no don't call me a moron, you fostered balloon, my IQ is greater than the infinite space from here to the moon....
 
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Mytholder

GAMMA Clearance
RPGnet Member
Validated User
In some iterations of PARANOIA, The Computer started out as the city computer for San Francisco, so its default responses are all cheery and helpful bureaucratese.

AT YOUR SERVICE, CITIZEN!

HOW MAY I HELP YOU TODAY?

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION

YOUR REQUEST FOR EMERGENCY EVAC IS IMPORTANT TO ME. YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN A RESPONSE QUEUE WITH OTHER 1539 OTHER CITIZENS. YOUR REQUEST FOR EMERGENCY EVAC WILL BE PROCESSED AS SOON AS PROCESSING CYCLES ARE AVAILABLE. YOU ARE CURRENTLY IN A RESPONSE QUEUE WITH OTHER 1538 OTHER CITIZENS.

Other classics:
YOU ARE IN ERROR. NO-ONE IS SCREAMING.

HAPPINESS IS MANDATORY.

For broadcasts and announcements, look to 1984 and add more cheery infomercial insincerity.

GOOD NEWS CITIZENS! THE ARMED FORCES REPORT THE DESTRUCTION OF THE COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR TANK BATTALION! IN CELEBRATION, ALL CAFETERIAS WILL BE SERVING COLD FUN INSTEAD OF HOT FUN TODAY! RUMOURS OF SABOTAGE TO THE FUN HEATERS ARE TREASON.

AS A REWARD FOR GOOD BEHAVIOUR, OXYGEN RATIONS IN THIS SECTOR WILL ONLY BE REDUCED 5%! BREATHE THE AIR OF FREEDOM, CITIZENS!
 

Count Dorku

Renegade librarian
Validated User
When I ran Paranoia, Friend Computer ended every paragraph with "Have a pleasant daycycle. The Computer is your friend." Even paragraphs regarding to termination.

My preferred Friend Computer is also about eighty percent GLADOS, so there's that.

Some more ideas:

"Under no circumstances should you THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS OUTSIDE YOUR CLEARANCE, CITIZEN because severe injury or death may result. Have a pleasant daycycle."

"Excessive static in announcements may be a sign of reactor ksssssht."

"Citizen, your test results indicate that you are very unhappy. Please report to the disintegration chamber for morale enhancement procedures."

"Citizen, your test results indicate that you are still unhappy. The disintegrations will continue until morale improves."

"Deploying morale enhancement toys in five, four, three, two, one." [a box of grenades appears from a chute] "Please utilise the morale enhancement toys appropriately."

"Please dispose of all bodies in the appropriate receptacles."

"You are in error, citizen. All the citizens in that PLC depot are alive and well and eager to serve you. Reports to the contrary have been flagged as Communist lies."

"Citizen, birds have been detected in the complex. Please destroy them. They are evil. Have a pleasant daycycle."

"This mission will be lots of fun and contains no targeted nanoviruses, deadly neurotoxins, or squid. Have a pleasant daycycle."

"Please report to the disintegration chamber for advanced security training."
 
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