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The wisdom of Jesus if he played D&D


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First off I want to say that this thread is not about knocking or mocking Jesus or Christianity. This is just intended as good natured fun, maybe slightly irreverent but by no means mean spirited. If you think of some jokes in a similar vein, I hope you'll keep them in the same spirit.

The source: my friend painted up a mini for our 5e game (an update of the Hollow World setting). She happened to paint him with long brown hair, a beard, a white robe, and with a hand outstretched which could be casting a spell, but might also be pointing out the path to redemption and salvation.

Thus ensued the following quotes: what Jesus would have said if he played D&D.

And verily I say unto thee: blessed are the bugbears, for they are proficient in stealth.

Let he who hath the highest initiative cast the first spell.

Render unto the Dungeon Master that which is the Dungeon Master’s and unto the Dice Gods that which is the Dice Gods’.

Suffer the little children to come unto me, for I shed a protective aura in a 10 foot radius. Oh, those are halflings? My bad.

It is easier for an owlbear to pass through the eye of a needle than for a 1st edition magic user to reach 3rd level.

Ask with a high enough Persuasion check and it shall be given to you; seek with a high enough Investigate check and you shall find; cast Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.

Dr Magister

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Not exactly a 'quote' from Jesus, but something I wrote a while ago:

The Roleplayers’ Psalm

The Lord is my GM, I shall not want,
He leadeth me into safe taverns,
He lieth me down inside secure campsites,
His goodness restoreth my Hit Points.
He leadeth me in the paths without incident,
For His name’s sake.
And ye though I walk through the dungeon of level-inappropriate challenges,
I shall fear no encounter, for the Lord my GM is with me,
His Dice and his Rulebooks comfort me, and bring me peace.
He prepareth a treasure room before me,
In the presence of the monsters,
He hath anointed my head with healing potions,
My Bag of Holding overfloweth.
Surely gold and experience points
Shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in the castle of the Lord
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