[Where I Watch] My Little Pony 9: Trampling the Status Quo

sun_tzu

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My schedule may be shot to Hell, but the rewriting continues!



Thread one
Thread two
Thread three
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Thread five
Thread six
Thread seven
Thread eight
The index, for those who just want to find specific parts without having to search through thousands of posts.
The corrected, redacted, and (in some cases vastly) improved reviews on DA (still a work in progress at this time).






Fancy Pants: "Ah, your majesty, there you are. If you could spare me a few moments of your precious time, I was hoping to address the issue of the Abacus Initiative? Near as I can tell, certain ponies feel that-"
God-Queen Luna: "WHAT IS A PONY? A MISERABLE PILE OF FRIENDSHIPS!"
Fancy Pants: "Beg your pardon?"
God-Queen Luna: "Oh, my apologies. Pay it no mind, Fancy Pants, Master of the Monocle - I am merely rehearsing."
Fancy Pants: "Rehearsing? For what, pray tell?"
God-Queen Luna: "Why, for Nightmare Month, of course! Soon, the population of Equestria shall tremble at the adrenaline rush, then applaud, night after night!"
Fancy Pants: "I'm certain they will. But I assume you meant Nightmare Night?"
God-Queen Luna: "What do you… Surely you are referring to the upcoming celebration of Nightmare Month, good sir."
Fancy: "No, I rather trust it has always been Nightmare Night."
God-Queen Luna: "..."
God-Queen Luna: "THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT HAVE NICE THINGS!"



CASTLE MANE-IA



Twilight: "Golden Horseshoes, Golden Door, Magic Coins, Rainbow of Light, Infinity Gauntlet… GAH! Nothing! No mention whatsoever of the Tree of Harmony's Magic Box!" *casts Bookish Missile*
Spike: *narrowly avoids Bookish Missile*
Spike: "...And people wonder why I want hazard pay."
Twilight: "OK, I realize information about the distant past is kinda sparse in Equestria, but still! Maybe I'll be able to find something in the Royal Library…"
Spike: "You got mail!"
Dracofax: "Dear Twilight, you won't find anything in the Royal Library. Sorry."
Twilight: "...And people wonder why I say God is always with me."
Dracofax: "...However, there is a certain book in the old Classic Duarchy castle that might prove helpful. When I abandoned the castle in grief at the loss of my sister, I cast a preservation spell, so entropy should be causing the place to decay at a rate nearly two orders of magnitude slower than usual. Good luck and lots of love, your former thesis adviser."
Twilight: "Well! That's mighty convenient!"


At the castle:
Twilight: "Jeez, this place is a ruin. Looks even worse in broad daylight. I wonder if I can really find anything of w-"
Twilight: *finds library*
Twilight: *WINGBONER!*
Twilight: "CONCERN RETRACTED! I appear to have achieved nerdvana."
Spike: "Egh, Twilight, I don't know. This place gives me the creeps."
Spike: *stumbles into statue*
Statue, which cannot speak: "Don't blink. Blink and you're dead."
Spike: "I WILL NEVER BLINK AGAIN."
Twilight: "A whole library from the pre-Nightmare era… Spike, we're in Heaven!"
Spike: "Can't blink. Statues will eat me. Can't blink. Statues will eat me. Can't blink…"


Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *ARE COVERED IN BEES.*
Pinkie Pie: "We're at the last stage of the totally improvised Most Daring Pony competition that Applejack and Rainbow Dash made up because the Iron Pony was getting old! Currently, we're at the 'Bees. My God. Not the bees! Not the bees!' stage, and neither daring pony is moving an inch! The entire audience has gone home to have nightmares!"
Gummy: *gives no fucks*
Apiculturist Pony: "OK, yeah, no. Some of us have actual, you know, jobs." *recalls bees*
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *were wearing protection*
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *because they're not stupid.*
Pinkie Pie: "Well! Looks like you're tied!"
Rainbow Dash: "Tied?! You can't be tied for number one!"
Pinkie Pie: "Sorry, the number don't lie!"
Pinkie Pie: "Unlike ponies."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who reveal other ponies' secrets."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who make pinkie promises and break them."
Pinkie Pie: "Ponies who eat your prized cake."
Pinkie Pie: "Filthy, lying, cheating little ponies."
Rainbow Dash: "Uh…"
Pinkie Pie: "And that's why numbers are better than ponies! But anyway, gotta run. I volunteered to ring the school bell, so I'm gonna be busy busy busy!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...I'm sure that was nothing we need to worry about. So, how do we finish this competition?"
Applejack: "When in doubt? Try tha Hellmouth."


Fluttershy: "Um, Rarity? Why exactly are we heading toward the ancient castle in the Hellmouth? It's… only a few hours before sundown. And it's… star-spider season. And it's...Take Your Pet Psychopath To Work Day. That's… a lot of reasons to be nervous."
Angel, Pet Psychopath: "Quit [CENSORED] whining like a [CENSORED] fucker, you fucker."
Rarity: "I understand your concerns, Fluttershy, but this is of truly capital importance. Our recent venture down memory lane has caused me to realize a very important detail that I had forgotten, after my first visit to this castle (Night Mare Moon was rather distracting): It is full of ancient royal tapestries. Some of the greatest art pieces of a bygone age, left to rot. Unacceptable."
Rarity: "And as such, it is my duty to restore them. And maybe get a few ideas for a new fashion line, since classical retro is making a huge comeback!"

Meanwhile, in Canterlot:
God-Queen Luna: "Sister, did you manipulate the fashion industry to cause classical retro to make a huge comeback at this specific juncture?"
God-Queen Celestia: "Seriously, does everything have to secretly be a plot of mine? Sometimes, things just happen."


Spike: "Twilight, I wasn't that scared. You don't need to break out the candles."
Twilight: "Aw, Spike, it's not like I'm doing it for you or anything. I trust that you're too badass and rational to be afraid anyway."
Spike: "...Yeah, sure."
Twilight: "No, the candles are here for a practical purpose. With all the research this library demands, we're going to be spending the night in this spooky, abandoned, literally gods-forsaken Shadowland of a ruined castle. It'll be fun!"
Spike: "Burn my life."


Rainbow Dash: "So, how exactly is this castle supposed to be testing our daringness? I mean, this is where we nuked a Dark Goddess."
Applejack: "Oh, but there be more ta it! Accordin' ta ancient legends, when Night Mare Moon done been banished, some o'er dark magic stayed here, turnin' tha castle inta a Shadowland, an' becomin'… tha Pony o'Shadows!"
Rainbow Dash: "What, like a Neverborn?"
Applejack: "Noooooopooooony knooooows!"
Rainbow Dash: "Please stop doing the spooky voice. You're a disgrace to voice actors everywhere."
Applejack: "Them be fightin' words, missy."


Rarity: "Goodness! Look at this tapestry - it is simply brilliant! ...And in desperate need of my loving care. Fluttershy, please be a dear…"
Fluttershy: *struggles with tapestry*
Wall: *rotates!*
Wall: *collides with Fluttershy's wingtip*
Fluttershy: *gets hit in the ulnar nerve!*
Fluttershy: "!!!!!!!!"
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: *walking on other side of the wall*
Rainbow Dash: "Seriously, are you expecting me to be scared or anything? From being in some old castle? Keep dreaming. I don't even believe in ghosts."
Fluttershy, behind tapestry: "THE PAIN! THE SUFFERIIIIING!"
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Shadow of Pony: "Boo."
Rainbow Dash: "EVERYPONY FOR HERSELF!"
Applejack: "RUN LIKE THA WIND!"
Wall: *rotates back!*
Fluttershy: "Owie. Whoever called it the 'funny bone' had a nasty sense of humor."
Rarity: "Terribly sorry about that, my dear. We'll have to settle for something smaller. But what was up with that rotating wall?"
Fluttershy: "Rotating wall?"
Rarity: "I suppose it must have been a secret passage. Quite possibly, in a prelude to their all-out war, the two God-Queens had perhaps begun a war of cloak and dagger, filling this castle with secrets of this kind. We will simply have to be on our gua-"
Angel: *steps on button*
Gravity: "NOPONY EXPECTS THE HELLISH GRAVITATION!" *abducts Rarity and Fluttershy*
Angel: "..."
Angel, who cannot talk: "Oh well. Easy come, easy go."


Rainbow Dash: "OK. OK. So maybe the legend is true. Maybe the ghost of eldritch dark powers haunts this Shadowland. Who you gonna call?"
Applejack: "Ya gonna call most darin' pony whoever stays in here tha longest."
Rainbow Dash: "...Then you're in for a toughie, fillyfriend, because it's gonna take much more than some ghost god thingie to scare me away."
Applejack: "Like-bucking-wise."
Portrait of General Nutkicksnyarlathotep: *is watching you!*


Twilight: "So… find anything yet?"
Spike: "Nah. Just weird references to some creature called 'Danny, the original brony'. The description kinda makes him sound like those humans we saw in-"
Angel: "I iz in yur library, scaring yur dragons!"
Spike: "GAH!" *leans back… accidentally opening secret passage*
Twilight: "Well, I'm sure there's an interesting story behind Angel's presence here, but no way it can be more interesting than this!"
Book: *is there. Prominently.*
Book: *is The Journal of the Two Sisters*
Twilight: "BOOKGASM!"
Spike: "You think this is the book Celestia wanted you to find?"
Twilight: "At this point, who cares?!" *begins devouring book*


Rainbow Dash: "Er, Applejack?"
Applejack: "Yeah?"
Rainbow Dash: "This entire corridor has been built to look like pony legs are coming out of the walls to hold the torches."
Applejack: "Eyup."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "...Are you starting to wonder what the old duarchy looked like?!"

Over a millennium ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "...and in this hallway, we shall put many a pony's disembodied leg, to remind everypony that there's always someone reaching out to hug them!"


Rarity: "Trapped in a closed room. I am starting to develop a feeling toward this castle which cannot, in all honesty, be described as fondness."
Fluttershy: "Oh my gosh! Angel! We have to find him!"
Rarity: "I am sure your pet psychopath will be fine, dear. Hm… Small hole in the wall here…"
Rarity: *reaches through hole*
Rarity: *grabs Rainbow Dash on other side of wall*
Rainbow Dash: "Applejack! I'm flattered, but I don't think Fluttershy would approve!"
Applejack: "...Ah'm over here."
Rainbow Dash: "..."
Applejack: "..."
Rainbow Dash: "AAAAAAAH!" /exeunt, pursued by a shadow
Applejack: "AAAAAAAH!" /exeunt, shadowing Rainbow Dash
Rarity: "Celestia Christ! I felt something moving on the other side!"
Fluttershy: "Oooh! Was it Angel?"
Rarity: "Not unless he's grown three sizes today."
Wall: *rotates!*
Rarity: "..."
Rarity: "Well, that's it. My patience with this deathtrap castle has reached its end. We're going out, and then petitioning the government to send an excavation team or somesuch."
Fluttershy: "WAIT! We can't leave without Angel! He could be trapped somewhere with no food, without me to take care of him! WAAAA!"


Angel: *pigging out on carrots*
Angel: *because the castle's ancient arcanic food generator still works*
Angel, who cannot speak: "Ahhh. This is the life. I really should ditch the yellow [CENSORED] fucker more often."
Twilight, reading a book as is often the case: "Spike, this is awesome! This is her Momjesty's and Luna's co-journal, that they used to keep together back in the days! Check this out:"
Ancient Journal: "Another attempt to rebuild the Rainbow Bridge has failed, but I'm not losing hope. I have another idea, this time using the Golden Door."
Spike: "Uh…"
Ancient Journal: "In the meanwhile, Luna was right: Combining the slides in the walls with the revolving trapdoors to permit an ever-accelerating trajectory that crosses every room of the castle is pure fun. We're now making a game out of finding new paths for it!"
Spike: "So, that's what the leisures of the obscenely rich look like."
Ancient Journal: "And you just wait! Once we've wired everything to the Organ to the Outside, it'll be perfect!"
Spike: "The who where what now?"

Meanwhile, in another room:
Darth Shadow: *plays with their organ!*
Pipe Organ: *Buckhoven's Ode To Terror!*
Applejack: "GAAAAH! Can this place possibly get any spookier?!"
Rainbow Dash: "I'm sure it'll find a way!"
And back in the library:
Dragon: "The things I'd give for earplugs right now."
Twilight: "Oh, Spike, don't be afraid. It's just a millennium-old castle ruin that got devastated by a Dark Goddess. Of course there are strange sounds everywhere, the place is practically about to collapse on our heads!"
Spike: "...You are not the best at reassurance."
Angel, who cannot talk: "HA! All reptiles are cowards!"


Fluttershy: "Do you see any trace of Angel?"
Rarity: "Even better: I see before me some of the most wonderful tapestries in equine History! It would be a crime not to fix them!"
Fluttershy: "...I'll keep looking for Angel."


Applejack: *peeks at the armor room*
Applejack: "...Is thar any room in this here Shadowland that doesn't look like it stepped outta a horror story?"
Rainbow Dash: "It's… just armors. Totally, definitely not scary in the dark."
Applejack: "Right, right. Not like they're gonna come ta life or anythin'."
Armors, which cannot talk: "You will be deleted."


Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Armor, which cannot talk: "Your location will be upgraded." *switches place with Applejack*
Rainbow Dash: "Oh, hey there Applejack who has suddenly been assimilated by the armors and whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAH!"

Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Rarity: *gets catapulted to the courtyard*
Fluttershy: "Oh, hey there friend whose presence is keeping me from total panic who has just disappeared whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAH!"

Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Applejack: *lands next to gargoyle*
Applejack: "Oh, hey there menacing dragon on dramatic lightning backdrop whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAAH!"

Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Rarity: "Oh, hey there piece of priceless ancient art piece now caught in my hooves having been forcibly torn out of the rest of it whoa WHOA AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Angel: *gets new carrots*
Angel, who cannot talk: "Karma's for suckers."


Rarity: "As Celestia is my witness, no force in the Underworld will stop me from restoring the glories of the bygone age! DO YOUR WORST, CASTLE!"

Rainbow Dash: "Applejack? If you're gone, or if the Cyberpony armors killed and/or assimilated you, that means I win, right?"
Armor, which cannot talk: "Gravitate." *falls on Rainbow Dash*
Rainbow Dash: "AAAAAAAAAH! I DON'T WANT TO BE A CYBERPONY!"

Fluttershy: "R-Rarity? Please please please please let this be an incredibly OOC prank you're pulling!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays Manezart's Fifth Requiem For Your Sorry Flank!*
Fluttershy: "WAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Applejack: "So… Rainbow Dash… Y'all done and got tha hell outta Dodge, right? So, Ah can go home now, right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Right?"

Rarity: *carefully backing away*
Rainbow Dash: *carefully backing away*
Fluttershy: *carefully backing away*
Applejack: *carefully backing away*
Inevitability: *happens*
SCREEEEEAM!
Rainbow Dash: "I'LL LEAVE THE DARING TO DOCTOR DO, JUST LEMME OUTTA HERE!" *pinballs through castle courtyard*
Ancient tapestry, which cannot talk: "DOOM! DOOM BE UPON YOU!" *flies toward Rarity*
Rarity: "I JUST WANTED TO RESTORE ANCIENT A-A-ART!" *cries*
Fluttershy: "Hey, was that shadow over there Angel lying right next to that pillar?"
Applejack: "MAH LEG-WETTIN' TERROR GIVES MA SUPAH-STRENGTH!" *kocks pillar down on "Angel'*
Fluttershy: *atom-breaking sound coming from chest area*
Fluttershy: "ANGEEEEEEEEEEL!"

Twilight: "...What the Dream Valley was that?"
Spike: "Oh, you know - probably just this place collapsing on our heads!"
Twilight: "No-one likes sarcasm, Spike."
Angel, who cannot talk: "Yeah! Fuck you, Spike."

Twilight: *reaches the courtyard*
Twilight: "..."
Spike: "...Da buck am I watching?"
Rainbow Dash: "WHY ISN'T FLYING IN A STRAIGHT LINE WORKING?!"
Fluttershy: "PLEASE DON'T BE COMPLETELY DEAD ANGEL!"
APPLEJACK: "ANYTHIN' AH'M STOMPIN' MIGHT NOT KILL ME!"
Rarity: "A HEARSE! A HEARSE! CELESTIA'S KINGDOM FOR A HEARSE WHERE I CAN LIE DOWN AND DIE ALREADY!"
Spike: "Twilight? What are they doing?"
Twilight: "When in doubt, my first guess is usually that they're being idiots."
Twilight: "I rarely need a second guess."
Twilight: "That said, however…"
Twilight: "STOP IT! STOP BEING IDIOTS!"
Twilight: *casts 'Mass Hold Pony'. Because she's high-level like that.*
Applejack: "...What are all y'all non-Rainbow Dash ponies doin' here?"
Fluttershy: "Must… save… Angel…"
Angel, who cannot talk: "I'm over here, [CENSORED] dumbass."
Fluttershy: "Oh."
Twilight: "OK, seriously, what the Dream Valley is going on here? Have the four of you been running around and scaring each other all night?"
Applejack: "...Possibly?"
Rainbow Dash: "Depends on how well you play the organ. And whether you're a Neverborn Pony of Shadows."
Spike: "A what?!"
Twilight: "C'mon, Spike. It's just an old pony's tale. Like the Mare in the Moon!"
Shadowy Pony: *plays the organ!*
Twilight: "...I stand by my earlier assessment. Let's go check this out."

In the organ room:
Shadowy Pony: *yup, still playing!*
Twilight: "GASP! The organ is actually being played by someone, instead of random debris just continuously falling on the keyboard and coincidentally playing music all night long!"
Twilight: "...and that someone would have gotten away with it, if not for us meddling kids!" *uncloaks Shadowy Pony*
Shadowy Pony: *is Pinkie Pie*
Twilight: "I wish no-one could have seen this coming. I really, really do."
Pinkie Pie: "Hey guys! Turns out I can totally play the organ! I knew using SAN as a dump stat would pay off!"
Applejack: "...Weren't ya gonna ring tha school bell all day or somethin'?"
Pinkie Pie: "Yeah, but then Cheerilee said five minutes were enough, and that if I didn't stop she was going to have her class exercise by using me as pinata. So I followed you guys here, and saw everypony was preparing a Haunted Castle Party, so I decided to help the atmosphere by playing fun, scary music!"
Twilight: "Ow, my brain."
Organ: *launches Spike across the room*
Spike: "Ow, my everything."


Rarity: "All right. As soon as I finish this restoration work, I'll gladly follow you all back to Ponyville."
Fluttershy: "I can't believe… well, OK, I can believe I was so frightened."
Twilight: "Yeah, you girls really went loco over nothing. But! Having someone else pull you back into rationality is helpful. And more likely to work if they're your friend. So, as always, everything somehow comes back to friendship."
Rainbow Dash: "OK, but how come you weren't afraid, spending a stormy night in a spooky castle ruin filled with deathtraps?!"
Twilight: "Simple: I didn't spend a stormy night in a spooky castle ruin filled with deathtraps. I spent a lively night in a lovely castle-in-progress filled with fun contraptions. That was the picture painted by the God-Queens' journal, and that's what I was living. So, as always, everything somehow comes back to books."
Twilight: "Wait. Eureka moment incoming…"
Twilight: "EUREKA! You know how, back during my thesis, I used to write lessons I learned and send them to her Momjesty? And how we started all doing that?"
Twilight: "Well, there's always stuff to learn, and lessons are meant to be shared! If reading this journal could help me… imagine what we could accomplish if we held a joint diary and recorded our experiences along with everything we learned from them! I DECLARE A NEW GROUP PROJECT!"
Applejack: "Entry one: Ah'm glad there ain't no Neverborn Pony o'Shadows."

Meanwhile, in the shadows…
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of ponies?"
 

Edvarius

Registered User
Validated User
Fluttershy: "Hey, was that shadow over there Angel lying right next to that pillar?"
Applejack: "MAH LEG-WETTIN' TERROR GIVES MA SUPAH-STRENGTH!" *kocks pillar down on "Angel'*
Fluttershy: *atom-breaking sound coming from chest area*
Fluttershy: "ANGEEEEEEEEEEL!"
That part of the episode really was the cruelest. Sure, the belief didn't last that long, but that few seconds that Fluttershy thought Angel had just died must have been pure torture. Also, the whole "LEG-WETTIN' TERROR" thing is one reason why one should always make sure to wear proper protection before heading into creepy, abandoned castles situated in hellmouths.
Over a millennium ago:
God-Queen Celestia: "...and in this hallway, we shall put many a pony's disembodied leg, to remind everypony that there's always someone reaching out to hug them!"
It's not a bad idea, but as seen it could still lead to some unfortunate misunderstanding. She probably should have commissioned some carvings of smily faces as well to show the legs were the friendly, hugging kind.
 

Glazius

Sincere Gatherer
RPGnet Member
Validated User
God help me, I can't not complete the thread title "with hooves of solid iron".
 

Sereg

Registered User
Validated User
Yay! Another great recap!

I know that you haven't been as thrilled with this season, which is a pity, because in every revious season, we'd had episodes that I didn't like as much by now and that hasn't happened to me yet.

--- Post Updated ---

Yay! Another great recap!

I know that you haven't been as thrilled with this season, which is a pity, because in every revious season, we'd had episodes that I didn't like as much by now and that hasn't happened to me yet.
 

Ithaeur

Relic Unicorn
RPGnet Member
Validated User
Really, the castle being the way it is makes perfect sense once you remember that Celestia's got an impish sense of humor and appreciation for pranks, and Luna's fond of all things dark & gothy. Of course it will be a gloomy funhouse of horror full of tricks, traps, secret doors and so forth. :D
 

Arizona

Registered User
Validated User
Really, the castle being the way it is makes perfect sense once you remember that Celestia's got an impish sense of humor and appreciation for pranks, and Luna's fond of all things dark & gothy. Of course it will be a gloomy funhouse of horror full of tricks, traps, secret doors and so forth. :D
Getting to see this stuff in the castle kind of rounded out Celestia and Luna for me. This is what the Princesses thought was cool when they were younger.
 
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Shimauma

Awaits the Ponylarity
Validated User
Good review, Sun Tzu. I particularly enjoyed the implication of just how horrible whatever Angel's [censored]s were, given what was left uncensored.

God-Queen Celestia: "...and in this hallway, we shall put many a pony's disembodied leg, to remind everypony that there's always someone reaching out to hug them!"
Oh Celestia... it's such a nice idea in theory....
 
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RK_Striker_JK_5

Registered User
Validated User
Dammit, Sun_Tzu! That was too good a review! :D :D

Anyway... my own fanon is the old castle used to be Dream Castle, home of Queen Majesty the maniacal from the old UK comics. The two sisters probably spent a decade or so turning a lot of the traps either non-lethal or so they simply kill the victims instead of sending them into agony.
 

sun_tzu

Registered User
Validated User
Yay! Another great recap!

I know that you haven't been as thrilled with this season, which is a pity, because in every revious season, we'd had episodes that I didn't like as much by now and that hasn't happened to me yet.
Thanks!
And this season does have several episodes I liked just fine. I've got no complaints about this one, for example.

Really, the castle being the way it is makes perfect sense once you remember that Celestia's got an impish sense of humor and appreciation for pranks, and Luna's fond of all things dark & gothy. Of course it will be a gloomy funhouse of horror full of tricks, traps, secret doors and so forth. :D
Pretty much.

Good review, Sun Tzu. I particularly enjoyed the implication of just how horrible whatever Angel's [censored]s were, given what was left uncensored.
Heh, yes. Been doing that since "Putting your Hoof Down". ;)

Oh Celestia... it's such a nice idea in theory....
Well, she was a lot younger. ;)




Dammit, Sun_Tzu! That was too good a review! :D :D
Thanks. :)

Anyway... my own fanon is the old castle used to be Dream Castle, home of Queen Majesty the maniacal from the old UK comics. The two sisters probably spent a decade or so turning a lot of the traps either non-lethal or so they simply kill the victims instead of sending them into agony.
Heh.
Note that in the cartoon, Dream Castle was given to the grundles at the end of the movie...
 
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